Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about his wife

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On the street approaches the young man pretty zhenshchina.
-Sorry, - she speaks, - and you is casual not the father of one of my children?...
muzhchina in uzhase:
-I?!!
-Calm down, - she answers. - I am a teacher.

*****

The gravestone inscription on the husband's grave turned to zhene:
"the Darling, do not go so often! Give though here to have a rest!!"

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- You did not see my wife? Over there not it unless costs
-A?
-Is not present, that costs silently...

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- Why you do not talk to the wife?
-Possorilis.
-It plokho.
-On the contrary, well! The whole week we live peacefully.

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- Why you did not clean the apartment? - strictly the wife asks, - After all you stayed at home all day!
-could not In any way, expensive: since the morning waited for you with open arms

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The bride sees off guests after wedding zastolya:
-People kind! Perhaps as not so was, so you forgive. I marry for the first time. Next time
budet is better.

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The German married couple celebrates 65 years of joint life. It - the stout blossoming woman, it -
vysokhshy the wrinkled old man. Among guests the vigorous young man - the representative of the press turns.
ON asks at yubilyarshi:
-Tell how you lived together so many years? Oh, it was very simple
-! I defined that my husband had to do, and he did it... If is not present,
togda it got it strong in the neck!
zhurnalist addresses to yubilyaru:
- And now you tell, what years in your life were the lightest and fine?
-is Ten years old of captivity in Russia...

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- No, all! The end to my patience came. I get divorced from Alberto! What is the matter? you such good para.
-Understand
-, it always the first reads all detective stories. And every time on the first page writes
ubiytsy surname. On the evil to me

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never objected and it was always ready to do a favor me, - the hostess explained to the young man, which

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- But, darling, same not so our child!
-of Tsss... Not so loudly. But the carriage is better.

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Night... In a bed a married couple... Call to a door...
ONA: The husband from business trip arrived. Jump rather in a window!
ON jumps... flies... thinks: So, and who then I?

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Night. The husband and the wife sleep. Suddenly the wife begins like mad budit
muzha. That wakes up, half asleep shouts: "That such that happened". Wife
otvechayet: "Yes it happened nothing, simply I do not understand how you mozhesh
spokoyno to sleep, receiving such small salary!".

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- Well, how are you doing?
-Yes everything is excellent, there are no problems!
-Yes... is time to Marry to you

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- Well do not shout, - the drunk husband calms the wife, - I am not such fool: I spent on drink not the money...
-A whose?!
-Kuma. That he on firewood borrowed to us

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- Well, how your husband? As solntse.
-About as it is good
-! I envy tebe.
-Of course!. As will come in the evening, just comes back in the morning.

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One man having returned from a bath with admiration speaks zhene:
-I in a bath such saw today! Such!!!
Wife:
-Well, and what such you could see in a bath? You Present to
-! At one man on the member it is tattooed "VLADIVOSTOK"! It so was pleasant to me! I to myself the same headdress will make
for sure, here will see!
-You, what peredyshat the ferry in a bath?! Vladivostok! Yes, at you there even "UFA" will not be located!!

*****

One man complains drugomu:
- The Wife absolutely exhausted me: as I go home, so she costs at a door and speaks: "Breathe!" As will guess alcohol,
tak and leaves at a door nochevat.
- And you drink "Solntsedar" - it for anything not uchuyet.
through some time they again meet. The friend interesuyetsya:
-Well as, helped?
-Is not present, I come home, it as usual: "Breathe".
Ya breathed. After some thought the wife also speaks to me: "Breathe through the mouth, I told, a mouth"

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One man on a booze got serious burns. Doctors speak to the wife postradavshego:
-your spouse in a serious condition. Skin transplantation is necessary for it. If you give the skin for operation,
TO will rescue it. The wife answers with negodovaniyem:
-This drunkard from me tore off seven skins! Let now acquires the

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One drunk man complains drugomu:
-You know, me left Wife.
tot Sovetuyet:
-in that case take a bottle of vodka and drown in it the gore.
-Nothing poluchitsya.
-That, there is no money?
-Money is. The grief is not present.

*****

One philosopher decided to order a pie on birthday of the zheny.
i thought up such inscription: "you do not grow old at all, you become simply better". It came to confectionery
I speaks:
-Make to me a pie with an inscription!
-How to write? - sprashivayut.
-Write it "you do not grow old" from above at all, and "you it is simple stanovishsya
luchshe" - from below!
I here gathered guests. There is a husband. Puts on a table a pie, otkryvayet
korobku and... all see nadpis:
"you do not grow old from above at all, you become simply better from below!"

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One wife advises drugoy:
-do not worry that your husband is dragged behind each skirt. My dog chases each car but if
ON catches up with it, all the same does not know that with it to do

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Once soon after a wedding the husband came from work home, and the wife speaks emu:
-, darling, Today I prepared for you syurpriz.
ona put a big pie on a table and invited to try. The husband ate a pie and zadumalsya.
-Well as? Tasty? You before tell
-to me, from what products you baked this tort.
- And what? Why you ask?
-Because in one couple of hours the doctor will surely ask me this question.

*****

Once, after three years of joint life the wife suddenly began to stick to the husband with a question of that, how many at
nego was zhenshchin.
-Well give, darling, tell me with how many women you slept?
-Lovely, it can do you rasstroit.
-Is not present, I promise I will behave and I will not become angry!
-Well. (thoughtfully) One, two, three, four, five, six, you - the seventh, eight, nine, ten,
odinadtsat, twelve...

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ON:
- There is one word which will make me the happiest person on light. You will go for me in marriage?
ONA:
-Is not present!
ON:
-Here it, this word

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It: - And where we will live after a wedding, at your parents or at mine?
ON: - We will live at your parents, and your parents will live at mine

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It was happy in marriage twenty years. On it at it five husbands left.

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It: - If I unexpectedly died, you would marry again?
ON: - Of course, no...
ONA: - Is not present? Why not? you do not like to be married?
ON: - Well and here it?
ONA: - Still as and, for what reason you do not want to marry more if appreciate marriage?
ON: - Well, would marry if from it it is easier for you...
ONA (is upset): - Ah... would marry means...
ON: - Well. We about it talk!
ONA: - And you with it would sleep in our bed?
ON: - And where to me on yours with it to sleep?
ONA: - And you instead of my photos would put it everywhere?
ON: - Well, I think yes, of course!
ONA: - And you would allow it to drive my car?
ON: - No, it has no rights...
ONA: (silence) … …
ON: - B*yayayay......

*****

- The father, mother ordered to tell that you went in noskakh.
-today Why?
-She lost four needles and wants that you found them

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The father remained with the little daughter one, and in the evening cannot put her to bed in any way. Tried everything.
dochka speaks: - Whisper to me on an ear, as to mother. The father whispers something. The daughter, filling up: - No, no! Was tired,
kak a dog

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The father with the son walk on a zoo...
- The Father, the father, watch - a melirovanny horse!!!
-Is mother your melirovanny horse, and this is the Zebra

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First marriage night. The groom conducts the bride in spalnyu.
-You know, expensive, it is good that you were not given me to a wedding. I would have to admit, otherwise, I,
pozhaluy, on you not zhenilsya.
- And I did not know that?! How many already me so kidanut men until I thought, in what business here

*****

Before svadboy.
on: Hurrah at last!!! I could not wait any more!
OHA: Can leave to me?
OH: No, do not even think of it!
OHA: You love me?
OH: Of course!
OHA: You sometime changed me?
OH: No, how such came to your mind?
OHA: You will kiss me?
OH: I will be!!
OHA: You will beat me?
OH: No way!
OHA: I can trust you? Wedding
posle - to read from below up.

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In the evenings the husband and the wife with boredom catch mukh.
-How many caught? - asks Wife.
-Five... Three males and two samki.
-That you speak? And how you distinguish a male from a female?
ochen is simple. Males sit on a table, and females turn in front of the mirror.

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On east calendar - year of the Dog. Po
resheniyu it is recognized by UNESCO Year of the Family. Therefore the formula of the shortest family dialoga.
husband :
-R-r-r-r is offered!
Wife:
-of Gav-gav-gav

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Based on telereklamy.
prikhodit the wife home also speaks muzhu:
-Darling, seems, you will be a father soon! It to it otvechayet:
-You specify
A, expensive - "it seems, you will be" or "it seems, you"?

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- What induced you to hit the wife? Judge
-, your honor, it stood to me a back, near at hand I had a frying pan, and the door behind
menya was open. Well as was not to use such favorable combination of circumstances?

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The tipsy husband comes domoy.
- At daybreak Where you were? I all night long did not close eyes! - snatches on it Wife.
- And you think, I slept?

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- The defendant, you found the wife with the lover and killed her, however the lover did not touch. Why?
-your honor, I decided that once is better to kill one woman, than every week to kill on the man...

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The elderly lady speaks muzhu:
-Now when I so shortly cut hair, however, I am not similar to the old woman any more?
-Of course! You are similar to the old man now...