Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about his wife

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The wife in tears speaks muzhu:
-I repeated two weeks to you that I should give nothing on the date of the birth, and you everything is equal about it to
zabyl

*****

The wife reports muzhu:
- At me there was Today no money therefore I came into your management and as you there not
okazalos, took from a jacket hundred pocket rubley.
-Anything, expensive, after all I work month in other office.

*****

The wife asks:
-where got to with Darling our book "How to Live till Hundred Years"?
-Ya burned it. The mother-in-law wanted to take to esteem.

*****

The wife asks muzha:
- The Road and how many people work in your ministry?
-Well, somewhere percent 40.

*****

The wife asks muzha:
-That you will present to me on birthday?
-Ya I will rape you! If I will not be given to
-A?
-Well then go as the silly woman, without gift

*****

The wife left the husband. She speaks mather:
- At home As soon as I left the house, the shot was distributed. How you think, the gun?
-Ya I think, champagne.

*****

The married couple goes on the country highway. Do not hurry anywhere, speed - kilometers 60. The husband at a wheel.
Wife, sitting on the right, turns to it and speaks:
-Darling, we are married here 15 years, but today I decided to tell you that I want razvoda.
husband answers nothing, only gradually increases speed to 70 kilometrov.
- And I do not want that you dissuaded me, it is already solved. I sleep with your best friend, and he much
bolee the good lover, than ty.
opyat the husband answers nothing, but increases speed to 80 kilometers in hour of
-Ya I take away from you ours dom.
husband goes with a speed of 90.
- And children.
teper on a speedometer already 100 kilometrov.
- And also all your money and mashinu.
husband is silent, only gradually starts directing the car to a support of the next bridge on doroge.
- And something is necessary for you? - asks Wife.
-Is not present, I have everything, what is necessary, - at last answers husband .
- And what?
I in a second before the car hit a concrete wall, it otvechayet:
- The Safety cushion.

*****

Jeunet dreams all the time that she plays poker. Also shouts kak
nenormalnaya - "I have a caret", "I have a flash", to sleep sovershenno
ne dayet.
vtoroy:
-You all right, you though do not get enough sleep. Everything dreams mine that ona
v a roulette plays and that it throws counters on a table. So me rukoy
pikhayet, I weigh in sinyakakh.
trety speaks:
- And you still complain? Mine in Las Vegas from playing avtomatov
ne departed, all the time the handle pulled. And now that? Everyone utrom
prosypayus and a solid hour from an ass of a coin I pick out. Well about the handle,
ZA which it pulls, I also do not speak...

*****

The man on young and beautiful married. Comes back from work with thought to have supper, a rest, but a dinner of the house of
net. Instead of food the wife suggests to feed him with love. Business young. Agreed and ate time three-four.
Ha history repeated the next day. And so week, the second... It comes home after a pay,
estestvenno
vypivshy, in the house a disorder, also the wife, sad such on the battery sidit.
-That nothing to guzzle, a bough, a dinner heat?

*****

Female grezy:
- And present me on birthday something such that I slightly so a leg pressed also r-r-time, the arrow
OT 0 to 100 in three seconds...
-Scales will approach?.

*****

The woman prayed every day that her husband became the honest person. After a while, her husband died.
ONA prays: "Saint Maria, you made even more, than I asked..."

*****

The woman complains to the doctor of absolutely brutal behavior muzha
v sexual zhizni:
-Recently we made love to it, and at this moment razdalsya
zvonok at a door!
-I that, it threw you into such moment and went to open?!
-is worse, the doctor... It dragged me with itself(himself)

*****

The woman - as the inspector of traffic police: will tell hern, will select money, the mood will spoil, and you also
vinovat.

*****

The woman - as a mortgage, for 30 years and on 10 thousand a month.

*****

The woman - as Pyotr the First, wants to live in the capital, forces to shave a beard and dreams to go to Europe.

*****

The woman - as embassy, can not resolve with friends to Thailand to go.

*****

The woman came to a police station to zayakvit about loss of the husband. It was accompanied by the neighbor, which his last
videl. The police officer asked the woman to describe supruga.
-to Him 35 years, height of 185 cm, dark eyes, wavy hair, is difficult athletically, the weight of 95 kg,
otnosilsya to detyam.
sosed zaprotestoval:
-is good Is not present, growth of your husband of 152 cm, a stomach flabby, bald and children treated badly...
Wife (through clenched teeth):
-Yes but who wants that it was found?

*****

The woman tells podruge:
- At me the other day the husband from a zone returned - such silent, quiet, tender, but on a zone, speak, well
pryamo a rooster went

*****

The woman - as the child, slightly that - at once in tears and to mother.

*****

The woman - as Fyodor Konyukhov, knows a horse-radish where she is carried also by whom sponsors it.

*****

The woman - as chess, nearly in that party a step, at once a mat.

*****

Women are ready to love at first sight, and men - as soon as possible.

*****

The journalist interviews the retired captain,
-So, the captain, remember what to you was necessary to endure samuyu
strashnuyu a storm in the life?
stary the old salt, after some razdumya:
-I think that it happened when I spat in kitchen, kotoruyu
tolko that my wife washed up

*****

At breakfast the husband tells the wife a dream which saw last nochyyu.
-Understand, to me dreamed that I died and moved on the way to paradise. At the beginning of a ladder Jacob handed me a piece of
mela and told that I on each step noted on a sin which made in life. And here when I am
otmetil already some steps, suddenly I see - You go down...
-That, did not let me there?
-Is not present, expensive, you went down to take still a piece of chalk.

*****

At dinner the wife with big hobby beats out brains from a bone in a spoon. Wishing to treat the husband, speaks:
-you Want, I and you will knock out brains?

*****

Having glanced after it, men saw a deaf room without windows. Doors were closed, and the shining
nomerki counted to ten. Then the countdown followed, and on figure of "1" door opened again.
DVE of a jaw were synchronously knocked about a floor... Having taken a view of the amazed couple, from a room
ocharovatelnaya the girl fluttered out, and, knocking very tall heels, went to an exit. The father groped for a shoulder of the son,
razvernul of that towards a trading floor and croaked: "Mother here... Vividly!!!".

*****

The husband who was late at work comes home. The wife in the doorway сурово:
- Well, milk bought?
husband (with a brainwork in eyes):
-to Molokak? Did not drink

*****

Birthday of the wife ended. Remained a lot of binge and snack. The wife left for work in the morning.
vecherom comes. Anything is not present. Only drunk husband .
-Where vodka? Where salads and all other?...
-A you that thought, you - left, and life after that stopped?.

*****

The man comes into jewelry store. Devushka-prodavshchitsa:
-Oh, the man as it is good that you to us came, by St. Valentine's Day at us two weeks of 20% of a discount,
kupite something as a gift to your girl. Here a kulonchik gold in the form of a heart, your girl very much
ponravitsya. The man grustno:
-I have no girl...
prodavshchitsa koketlivo:
-cannot be, such prominent, handsome, tall man and is not present the girl? Why?! grustno:
- The Wife does not resolve
muzhik...

*****

The husband of the house came into a toilet with mobile in a pocket, gets phone, calls home - the wife takes trubku.
Wife:
-Hallo!
husband :
- The Kid, I love you...
DAYET a release, quickly leaves a toilet and asks:
-Darling who called?
-Yes so... girlfriend...

*****

- To be declared home at four o'clock in the morning, - the wife speaks with asperity, - u
menya is not present slov.
-Thank God, - the husband answers.

*****

Calls telefon:
-Please, take the call, - the spouse speaks. - And if ask me, tell: "It is a pity, but my husband of
net of the house" .
Wife took the call and, having listened, saida:
-It is a pity, but my husband of the house...
-Oh, damn, I warned you!
-But, darling, - the wife calmed him, - after all asked not you.

*****

Call to a door. The wife opens. The husband in an insole the drunk is on the threshold. The wife asks:
-brought the Salary?
husband falls, and on a back by chalk is written: "No".

*****

- Means, we will divide furniture and all household things equally without vsyakikh
skandalov. You agree?
-Konechno.
-I let's agree that we will keep normal chelovecheskiye
otnosheniya. If we meet, we will quietly greet...
-to Obyazatya

*****

There is a court session. The judge asks:
- The Citizen Ivanova as you could hit the husband with a teapot. Really you did not feel sorry for him?
-Was a pity, of course, it such good, brand new, brilliant, with a whistle.

*****

There is a man, in both hands will carry bottles. His friend asks:
-You that, container go to hand over?
-Well, with the wife swore, so she told: "Take away the things and leave".

*****

There is a premiere of the Italian movie. On the screen the nude woman. Nearby, red and confused,
likhoradochno Kastrato trying to get a foot to a trouser-leg muzhchina.
-! Impotento! - shouts angered italyanka.
golos the translator for kadrom:
-Leave! I do not love you any more

*****

- Idiot! I just asked you two nails in the wall to drive!
- And I did not hammered?
- But not in the same outlet

*****

Go the husband with the wife through the jungle. Suddenly from a thicket the huge orangutan jumps out and having seized the wife of
zataskivayet it on a tree with obviously expressed intention. The husband costs below and mischievously you shout zhene:
-Here to him tell that you have no mood the head hurts there is a wish to sleep strongly today...