Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about his wife

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Late at night the militia patrol stops become slightly tight muzhchinu.
-Where it you so hurry?
-On lektsiyu.
-Who such late hour gives lectures?
-my wife.

*****

- I congratulate, buddy! After all you reconciled with the wife! Yesterday I saw how you together sawed drova.
-Well, it was not firewood, but furniture.

*****

Got acquainted and as it quite often happens, got married. After a while the wife asks at muzha:
-Darling why you have such big eyes?
Ya cried in the childhood much, - would laugh the matter off husband .
-Better you wrote more...
the Drunk husband comes back home, calls. The wife opens a door. The husband long and stupidly looks at it, and then,
co zloboy:
-Here where walked, there and go, - and slams a door.

*****

The old man caught the Goldfish. That says to it human golosom:
-Release me, a starcha! I will grant all your desires! Yes one grief me kruchinit
-! Absolutely life from the quarrelsome old woman did not become!
otvechayet Gold rybka:
-Ded you or not the grandfather?
-Ded! Well so you will have
-a hazing!
otpustil grandfather small fish. Approaches the izba, and there the grandma at a trough is already wrung out.

*****

The police officer comes to one woman and soobshchayet:
-Madam, your husband lies in garbage konteynere.
-Yes, my housemaid obviously overdid: when I left to the dressmaker, told her to throw out all unnecessary from
kvartiry.

*****

After the next quarrel the afflicted husband speaks zhene:
-I am sure that if I will die, you will not utter teardrops!
-But you said that I pay on any trifle...

*****

After a wedding the groom admits neveste:
-Forgive, but I pay the alimony to two detyam.
-Anything terrible, it will not undermine our budget: I just for two children receive.

*****

After the fortieth anniversary of joint life the husband speaks zhene:
-As everything is interesting in life is arranged! Forty years ago we removed a poor little room … Slept on a floor, and
nas had a black- And-white TV. And now we have everything! Mansion, smart furniture, car, plasma … But
copok of years back I fell down with the eighteen-year-old girl, and now with fifty vosmiletny grandmother …
Wife otvechayet:
-I do not see a problem! Find to yourself the eighteen-year-old girl, and again there will be at you a poor little room,
NA dream to a floor and the black- And-white TV. I promise it to you

*****

After a nourishing breakfast the husband took seat in a chair and You plunged into reading fresh gazet.
-that?! - the wife was surprised. - You do not go to work today?
-Oh, My God! And I decided that for a long time there...

*****

- Listen! - the wife is indignant. - Again you do not like my lunch. And to a wedding said that
umeret for the sake of menya.
-Well is ready, - the husband sighs, - give your cutlets here.

*****

The holiday table, the owner bypasses guests with a bottle, about one guest and asks:
-stops That your wife drinks?
-my blood

*****

The husband home resorts and I shout zhene:
-one million dollars in a lottery won! Collect things!
Wife approaches a case and asks:
- And what things to take - summer or winter? By
-I summer, and winter, be also cleaned from here

*****

Having come home after night of gambling game, the husband joyfully reports zhene:
-Know how I was lucky in cards today? My blue suit that you to me sewed for hundred rubles, I lost
kak for shestsot.
the Wife utters muzhu:
-You married me because of money!
-I do not argue. But I already worked them.

*****

Having come home, the drunk husband punched a table and kriknul:
-Who the owner here?
Wife in reply started in it the iron. Having scratched strongly hurt place, the husband said:
-Even it is impossible to ask...

*****

There comes the wife from holiday, comes into the house - the furniture is not present. On all rooms it was run - it is empty, in kitchen on
polu the husband lies and sleeps. It parted forcibly it and asks:
-Where furniture?
-Prodal.
-Where money?
-B meshkakh.
- And where bags?
husband , showing on bags under glazami:
-In...

*****

There comes the husband home from the South, and the wife suddenly notices that at it small horns on the head look through. To it speaks:
-As so, darling, I you swear to
ONA with surprise that so far you had a rest, never to you changed! From where horns?!
A the husband to it otvechayet:
-Da- And, do not worry, I know, it not you.

*****

There comes the husband from foreign business trip. The wife meets him, the lunch svarila.
husband ate and speaks:
-Here when I there at restaurant ate, on each plate a gold border byla.
meloch, and it is pleasant! Then there are hands myt:
- And here at them on each towel the naked woman is embroidered. A trifle, and it is pleasant! Wife:
- And here at the neighbor the member is 1 cm longer. A trifle, and it is pleasant

*****

There comes a man with the wife to holiday to Spain. In one of evenings the husband goes to the bar, and, having returned through
chas, does not find the wife in nomere.
on leaves in a corridor and the maid asks: "Where my wife?" That answers it that your wife went to
donu Pedro.
muzhik starts being indignant, shout: "Who such Don Pedro where it lives?" The maid calls to it number,
ON tuda
tikhonechko enters and is stolen to a door to the room. Looks - igrayet
tikhaya music, a magnificent bed, on it suntanned, harmonous, beautiful, courageous Don Pedro.
otkryvayetsya a shower door also leaves his wife - pale, uncombed, a stomach, the breast which drooped...
muzhik looks and dumayet:
"My God! As in front of Don Pedro it is inconvenient!".

*****

The wife with the lover home comes, and they start making love. At this time because of a screen
monotonnoye "ku-ku-ku" is distributed. The lover asks the woman: - What is it? you have a cuckoo there?
-Well, I have a husband paralyzed there. He will not utter "bitch" in any way.

*****

Comes, well, the wife home, tells muzhu:
-Me just raped...
-(With a dead-pan) Go and eat limon.
-Me raped!!!
-of Idi also eat limon.
-Me raped. And here lemon?
-A at you the person strongly happy...

*****

The husband home comes and speaks zhene:
-Tell, you 500 rubles crumpled videla.
-Well, videla.
- And crumpled saw 1000 rubles?
-Videla.
-A of 300 thousand crumpled saw?
-Not videla.
-Go to garage, look

*****

The husband home comes, the wife throws the arms round a neck and zhalobno:
-to Vas, and Vas, give in restaurant we descend? You che sduret
-? You, so we have
-anniversary, 10 years as pozhenilis.
-today And... So at us money net.
-Vas, I here a little in 10 years of a podsobral, on restaurant hvatit.
-So nothing me nadet.
- And I at Vanka, the neighbor, borrowed to you smoking.
-So you there is nothing nadet.
- And to me Lyubka for the sake of such case the dress evening sshila.
-is fine, poydem.
podkhodyat to restaurant, at an entrance shveytsar:
-Hello, Vasya! Hardware
-... I today with zhenoy.
metrdotel:
-Vas, a little table as usual? Hardware
-... I today with zhenoy.
ofitsiant:
-Vas, all as before, this minute... Hardware
-... I with zhenoy.
striptizersha:
-Well who the most courageous to pull the last shnurochek on bikini?
... All hall horom:
-Vasya, Vasya, Vasya!!!
Wife rises, gives to Vasya a slap in the face, runs out, sits down in a taxi. Vasya behind it under way zaskakivat, and the wife of his
nachinayet pilit:
-You... I so trusted you, and you are a goat and t. of
taksist turns and speaks:
-Well and you removed the stinker today, Vasya!.

*****

The husband home from hunting tired and zloy.
- The Wife comes! You know, what artful animal a fox?
-Is not present. And why you so think? I on the wood go
-Yes here, suddenly I see - the fox runs. I charge the gun, I aim, I shoot - the fox falls.
DAY, I think, I will go I will take away lisu:
podkhozhu to it, lo and behold - and it is a dog!!

*****

The husband home the drunk comes. The Wife strikes with a fist on stolu:
-! Cook potatoes!
Wife is shy otvechayet:
-Yes potato at us all... Here all also weld
-

*****

The husband after work comes, and the wife it is lovely to him ulybayetsya:
-I prepared a surprise for you - an exotic dinner, only the trifle is not enough until I cope, descend for
ulitkami.
husband on the way from shop meets the friend, and everything is farther as it is necessary: stir, comes to it into
gosti, bit... Wakes up at himself in smart with a paper bag of snails in the morning. Well, thinks, everything, was gone, now
Wife as will go! It is necessary to do something. Approaches to the door, pours out snails on a floor and rings a door. The wife of
otkryvayet a door with a rolling pin in a hand. husband :
-Still short step, girls, and we houses

*****

The husband from work comes and speaks:
-Tomorrow we celebrate birthday of Vasya, and I will come pyanyy.
-Not drunk, and having drunk!
-Well, everything, all … Vypivshi.
-without having drunk, and having simply drunk.

*****

The hubby home drunk "to firewood" comes. Calls, the wife opens for him a door, and he it: - KABUChA! - and
padayet "dead". The wife grumbled a little, undressed blessed, to sleep it put. And itself according to dictionaries -
iskat the translation of the enty word. Found in one of dictionaries - "KABUChA - the PRINCESS". Having been stunned by pleasure,
prigotovila to the husband ofigitelnyy
stol with utra.
husband - in shoke:
-Che for a hogwash? Not skazhu.
-Say
-that happened, and that in an eye will be hit!
-Well, all right. You the princess called me yesterday!
-As-as?
-KABUCHEY!
-Silly woman! I did not utter - KABYLA you ebuchy

*****

The man home comes and speaks zhene:
-I go to business trip. I will spend the night with it.

*****

The man domoy:
- The Wife comes, gather, I won $
-100000 Where, at the sea? Of Valya where you want
-

*****

The man home comes. And his girlfriend and speaks:
-Everything, I leave you...
-Why?
-Ya learned, what you pedofil.
-Hey, whether not too the clever word for the ten-year-old girl?

*****

The man home comes late at night. Drunk and rumpled. The wife meets him, my Supermen.
-smiles vsya:
-Hi, Where you were, my Supermen?
-we Will go, I will feed you with a dinner, my Supermen...
-Went to sleep, my Supermen.
husband does not maintain and asks:
- And from what you Supermen began to call me? But only supermen pants over trousers carry
-.

*****

The man comes to work, and under an eye fingalishche. Friends ask where it so managed him? The Wife cut
-...
-A for what? I it on first-name terms called
-A...
-Yes you that, for it a muzzle do not beat. And how business was?
-we Lie with the wife in a bed. She speaks: "Something long ago we had no sex".
A I otvechayu:
-Not we, but YOU.

*****

The man comes to work with a black eye. Friends ask, from where sinyak.
-Yes here, understand, the wife on first-name terms nazval.
- And how it left?
-we Lie with the wife in a bed. She speaks: "Something long ago we had no sex". I answer
A: "Not we, but YOU".

*****

The drunk husband home comes. The wife abuses ego:
-I begged you yesterday: do not drink more! And you...
husband opravdyvayetsya:
-Well I swear to you, Zinochka! I did not drink any more: drank exactly so much, how many yesterday.

*****

- Your hairdress, - the husband, - as if tells a wonderful dream! Your
-A, - the wife, - as if naked reality answers.

*****

The man home the drunk came in the evening. Snack was a little, wants to eat. Looks, in kitchen on a table chicken in
tarelke lies. Began to eat it and waters with mayonnaise from a glass jar. The mother-in-law came, looked, hemmed,
pozhelala bon appetit and left further to sleep. Woke up in the morning, the wife asks:
-Well, how chicken?
-Normal, only sweet some. And what?
-Yes all of anything, only I for the morning put it to be defrozen, and condensed milk in a glass jar poured.

*****

The man drunk home came, and in kitchen at him a cuckoo clock hangs. The cuckoo prokukovat three o'clock in the morning.
A that the wife strongly did not run into it in the morning, the man dokukovat to twelve and went to bed. Next morning
prosnulsya, and the wife to it and speaks:
-Listen, it is necessary to change hours!
-A that such?
-Not only that instead of three cuckoo prokukovat twelve, so it also poured over all kitchen.

*****

Friends ask liking to drink muzhika:
-Who at your place the owner, you or the wife?
ON otvechayet:
-Of course, I!
-A of that you when you drink, sleep under a door?
-Ya the owner where I want, there and I sleep

*****

The wife brings to the programmer coffee. It. without tearing off points from the monitor, a beret a cup, takes a sip, with
iskoryozhennym the person speaks:
-I hate without sugar! I Know
-, darling, - the wife answers. - Simply there was a wish to hear your voice...