Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about his wife

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The wife with the husband sit in the bar. Here the wife notices some man at a bar counter and shows Watch
MUZHU:
- At him, here I left this guy seven years ago, and since then it all pyyot.
-All right, anybody does not celebrate so much.

*****

The wife argue with the husband in magazine.
zh: - Why you have such huge foot?!? Any boots do not nalazit!
M: - Because in the childhood I went barefoot much. Village, fresh air, here and vyrosli.
zh: - Better you without pants would go

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-you See this person in the photo?
-Yes.
-B six of evening you will take away it from kindergarten

*****

The wife - to the husband: - Fry vodka, juice, meat in a frying pan!
husband : - And vodka what for?!
Wife: - You already absolutely were stunned with the booze! I speak: Here a piece of meat, fry in a frying pan

*****

The wife muzhu:
-you do not know Darling, where our book, "How to live 100 years"? Its
-Ya szheg.
-Why? Yes the mother-in-law wanted to take to read
-.

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-Ty where was?
-C another in chess igral.
-A why from you smells as vodka?
-A that, has to smell as chess?

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-You know, you will be a father soon!
husband , hard falling on stul:
-Means, it after all told you...

*****

Wife-muzhu:
-I know that you change me! I know where, and even with whom! But I cannot understand, than you do it?!!

*****

Wife-muzhu:
-If I - a cow, you are a zoophile

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-Once again chicken you will call - I to you will demolish eggs

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-bothered Me such life. The day before yesterday you came home yesterday, yesterday you came today. If today you are
pridesh tomorrow, the day after tomorrow I file
Ya for divorce! Clearly explained?

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-our all these scandals So bothered! You Want
husband :
-, simply silently I will fill a muzzle?

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-Why you ceased to play chess with the neighbor? You would begin to play
-A with the person which all the time sets on the partner, and having lost, arranges
formennuyu to the hysteric?
-Is not present, konechno.
-Here and it did not become.

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-You why did not spend the night today houses?
-My God, five years every morning same...

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-we go on a visit Today. Try not to strike in Russian salad with the person

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-I left, I was not at home 6 weeks! And now I come - and to a chtovizh? To you on everything to spit, you gathered
vody in a mouth, you have not nakhoditsyan of one word to tell! One tender word
poslemoyego of six-week absence!
-Why? There is a word - What? Thanks
-.

*****

The wife to the husband with utra:
-Darling, you talked in sne.
-Well happens yesterday...
-But you talked on icq!!

*****

The wife started suspecting the husband of change, well and respectively nanyala
detektiva that he found out everything once and for all. Well and through nedelyu
prikhodit that detective also gives out it listings it telefonnykh
razgovorov, and there SUCH is WRITTEN:? *))!! In the evening the wife, angry esno
sidit, comes the husband she to him from a threshold throws a piece of paper. He reads,
grustneet, turns pale, then fatefully speaks:
-Well and what we will do now??
ONA, in rage of a tych in bumazhku:
-This, this, and all fifth paragraph!

*****

The wife addresses to yawning muzhu:
-Listen, time at you all the same a mouth is open, shout to our kid that went home...

*****

The wife lectures the drunk husband. And that, hardly uttering slova:
-Valechk, you write all this, and I will get up in the morning and I will read everything-everything

*****

The wife "saws" muzha:
-I was deaf and blind when married you! Here you see
-, of what diseases I cured you, - the husband answered

*****

The wife saws the husband: - Again the drunk! I do not understand how it is possible to drink every day?
husband answers: - How many time asked you - do not argue on what you do not understand.

*****

The wife saws muzha:
-Again the drunk! I do not understand how it is possible to drink every day?
husband is angry otvechayet:
-How many times you, the silly woman, asked: do not argue on what you do not understand

*****

The wife writes the husband of CMC:
- I am not in time from work in shop. Buy chicken to uzhinu.
spustya some time to her SMS from muzha:
-Tseluyu
ona shocked - in marriage comes 8 years to phone, the passion already passed, and here such slova.
pishet to it otvet:
-Darling, very much I love you, I kiss also other
ON:
- The Silly woman, a pancake gently, I ask chicken whole to take or ham?

*****

The wife files for divorce. Advokat:
-That you show as the divorce reason?
Wife:
-In 5 years of our marriage, it executed the matrimonial duties only three times!
advokat:
-Is very good, with such charge we will win in court! How many at you children?
Wife:
-5.

*****

The wife approaches to the door of an entrance and sees the announcement written pocherkomy blessed: "The wife of
B / at in a good shape, the price of-340 rubles is on sale". It flies to the apartment, the husband grabs breasts and
trebuyetobjyasneny, concerning so low price of a lot. On what the husband to it reasonable
otvechayet:
-A is arithmetically reasonable that you want? 70 kilogrammmyas on two rubles - 140 rubles and a wedding ring - 200 rubles. Total
340. Next day the husband, having approached to the entrance door, viditobjyavleny the following contents: "
husband , second-hand, without in / p in a good shape is on sale. The price is 23 kopeks". The man about... evat, rushes into a hut begins
orat:
-You che, lost a scent, I you for rubles, and you me for kopeks!!! On what receives quite reasonable
otvet:
-A I counted everything. What here to sell? Two eggs on 10 kopeks and a pipette for 3 kopeks, in the sum - 23
kop".

*****

The wife approaches the husband and speaks:
-Darling, at us the bulb fused, repair!
husband ey:
-I to you, electrician perhaps?
Wife again podkhodit:
- At us a door is badly closed by Darling, look!
husband ey:
-I to you, carpenter perhaps?
Wife muzhu:
-Darling, the crane flows, repair!
ON ey:
-I to you, what plumber, perhaps?
NU, ladno.
na the husband comes the next day from work, looks, the bulb burns, the crane does not leak, a door normally, zhenu:
-Who it everything repaired
asks?
Wife otvechayet:
-Yes, asked the neighbor, he and pochinil.
husband :
- And how you with it paid off? He told
Wife:
-A: "Either "give", or sing" .
husband :
-Well, and what you to it sang?
Wife:
-A I to you, singer perhaps?

*****

The wife after a meeting with the husband approaches the chief of prison and prosit:
-you could not find easier to it work?
-Where! It and so at us envelopes kleit.
-it is strange, and to me complained that the underpass digs...

*****

The wife sends the husband to take out garbage. It in what was - in house trousers, slippers, - in that and went. On
doroge met friends, well and went with them. Comes back home in the morning and speaks to the wife: - You to yourself
predstavit cannot where they transferred garbage containers!.

*****

The wife sends to the husband telegrammu:
dengi left, there was money.

*****

Wife: - And truth, what all rodents silly and gluttonous?
husband : - The truth - the truth, my mouse.

*****

Wife: - You represent, our neigbour is again pregnant!
husband : - It not yours delo.
Wife: - And whose? Perhaps yours?

*****

The wife brought a bottle of vodka and put it in servant:
-Let will stand - can, we where will go, maybe, to us who pridet.
nochyyu it clings to the husband, and tot:
-Let will stand - can, I where will go, or perhaps to me who will come.

*****

The wife comes home and speaks muzhu:
-Know, Vas, was so lucky me today! I approach a refuse chute, there pair of shoes costs
A. Such beautiful! I measured - mine razmer.
husband :
-Yes - and - and, and the truth povezlo.
through the wife again rasskazyvayet:
-Listen to couple of days, I come into an entrance, and there the mink coat hangs. Measured -
moy razmer.
husband with vzdokhom:
-Yes, is lucky you. And me here for some reason is not present. You represent, dostayu
yesterday pants from under a pillow - not my size

*****

The wife came to the husband to prison to appointment. In five minutes speaks:
-it is time for me, darling. I keep thinking as it is heavy to be locked up to our doggie the whole day one.

*****

The wife of the programmer speaks muzhu:
-to Darling I want the child!
-Lay down, now the proinstalliruy

*****

- The wife, we lived with you 50 years. Now you can tell me everything. You sometime changed me?
govori, I proshchu.
-Changed everything. It was only 3 times. You remember, you had a heart attack and in hospital for your operation
nikto not of jot

*****

The wife decided to commit suicide. Rose on a window sill before an open window and tells muzhu:
-to You me not to dissuade! I all the same will jump out of a window! I do not want to live with such ladies' man and the villain! And
perestan to push me

*****

The wife in the market goes, meat vybirayet.
vdrug, the dealer fish to it krichit:
- The Darling, take fish better, in it there is a lot of phosphorus!
A the wife otvechayet:
-So me is necessary to it that at mine STOOD, but DID NOT SHINE!!!