Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about his wife

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There are two men down the street. Towards - the beautiful woman. One speaks:
-Here mine to the wife such feet...
through five minutes - one more beauty. Muzhik:
-Here if mine had such breasts...
I so all road. Suddenly they meet the wife of the "dreaming" man. It speaks:
-Darling you will not believe it, all road of you thought

*****

From instructions for use elevator: Before coming into the elevator, pass zhenu
i be convinced that a cabin before you.

*****

From matrimonial zhizni.
pervy year of joint life: he speaks - it slushayet.
vtoroy year: she speaks - it slushayet.
trety year: both speak - neighbors listen.

*****

To the psychiatrist came matrimonial para.
-Understand, the doctor, - the husband told, - we are not able to afford luxury to be treated at you together. Tell, to cure
You're welcome that will be cheaper: sense of superiority of my wife or my
nepolnotsennosti complex?

*****

To each man who bought on March 8 a frying pan, a helmet as a gift

*****

- What wife can always precisely tell, where her husband?
-Only widow.

*****

- What tasty mushrooms! - the husband praises the wife. - Where you took the recipe?
-From some criminal novel.

*****

- What 5 qualities the perfect woman has to possess?
-Proud, Versatile, Clever, Kind, Inventive. Generally, it has to have good G. R. At.
D. And.

*****

- What elegant suit at you!
-wife's Gift. And for no reason at all. Yesterday late I come back from business trip on the date of
ranshe of the planned term at night - I see that this suit hangs directly near a bed. Represent, what
syurpriz

*****

When the husband entered the house, the wife told emu:
-In a drawing room you waits gost.
-But I invited nobody, - was surprised husband .
-But I invited him to you!
-A what for? of
-You see recently you cough and the person at you turned yellow... I thought, maybe, to you
grozit any danger?
-is Very grateful to you, expensive that you so care about we wash health! Though there was no need of
priglashat of the doctor, but time you made it, let the doctor osmotrit.
-Yes be not present me, it not the doctor. This is the insurance agent.

*****

When we quarrel with the wife, she usually throws in me tomatoes... Everything would be nichekgo if she at
etom does not forget to take out them from cans...

*****

- Of course, I agree that the FIFA World Cup is held too chasto.
- And without cosmetics and in hair curlers you look still privlekatelney.
-Represent, there are men capable because of a meeting in a pothouse s
druzyami to pass the theatrical

*****

The husband bought lottery tickets. The wife asks:
-checked Tickets?
-Proveril.
-Well and how, won something?
-Aha, Х#Й!
- Watch, money do not take

*****

The husband and the wife in a bed lie. Wife:
-take Darling me...
-Sleep, native, we do not go anywhere.

*****

The man lies has a rest, and the wife firewood rubit.
emu the neighbor speaks:
-You that is firewood itself do not cut?
A on:
- And suddenly war, and I tired

*****

- In the best days of the life I am obliged to the Carpathians... As it to understand
-? You there never byl.
-I - no, but my wife annually go there to holiday.

*****

- Madam Dupont, explain, for what you hit the husband with the iron po
golove?
-that I am time hundred went on to it what at me soft and ustupchivyy
kharakter, and he all disagreed with me

*****

- Manya, and Manya. Give I a box on the ears I will bang you …
-You that, and suddenly I will become deaf!
-Well so did not grow dumb yesterday

*****

- Why did Mary not married?
- She is waiting for your ideal muzhchiny.
- And what is this ideal?
- This is a man who wants to marry her.

*****

Marcelina married for the fifth time, now the worker. Before
promyshlennik were her husbands the lawyer, the champion-football player and the player in polo.
-You know how I am happy! - it shares with the girlfriend. - This man! From now on I will marry
tolko workers

*****

March 8. The husband reads the newspaper in front of the TV, the wife scrubs ware. Suddenly he remembers that today 8
marta, and a gift not kupil.
husband (without distracting from reading): Leave
-, expensive, ware, today The Eighth of March, you will finish washing tomorrow.

*****

The wife tortured me: "House knives stupid, house knives stupid", and that children of the house stupid, does not excite her.

*****

- Darling, the more I read fairy tales, the more I am convinced that a hare very silly animal. Isn't it?
-Quite right, hare you mine

*****

- Darling - can, me a hairdress to change, to comb hair back?
-You that - a sdurela? Where hair, and where back?

*****

- My husband is a terrible bummer! He even gets up every day at five in the morning to a little longer to do nothing

*****

The young wife awakes the young husband on rabotu:
-Darlings, hoots gudochek!
through is 10 years old joint zhizni:
-Mudilo, hoots awoke

*****

The young woman rolls near the house in the baby's carriage. Her girlfriend approaches it and speaks:
-Well it is necessary, is as like as two peas similar to your husband!
-Is the girlfriend about 3 floors asked me to take a walk with her child...

*****

The young woman with tears speaks to the muzhu:
-my father went bankrupt!
-O My God! I and knew that this miser will find a way to separate us...

*****

The young woman with tears came running to the mather:
-Me the husband pobil.
-As? It went to business trip yesterday!
-Ya too so thought.

*****

- How to the young wife to treat the husband?
-As with a dog: to feed, caress, more often to drive to walk.

*****

The young husband speaks zhene:
-Darling I compared the expenses on a honeymoon trip to the cost of yours pridanogo.
- And what?
-Turns out that I married you only for love.

*****

- The young man, you used already two helps. All were tired, the hall waits for your decision, tell,
nakonets: "Yes" or "No".
-A is possible still a call for the friend? Listen to
-, the young man, it not "Who wants to become a millionaire", it i

*****

- My wife made me religioznym.
- Nifiga yourself!
- Yeah. Before the wedding, I did not believe in Hell.

*****

The husband awakes the wife at night and stretches her a tablet aspirina:
-Why, the head does not hurt me?
husband right there pulls together itself family trusy:
-Ur - and- And

*****

The husband who came back after walk to hotel asks another otdykhayushchego:
-you again played Ping-Pong with my wife? Yes.
-I who won
-?
-It, as usual. Every time as soon as she sees that started losing, does same, in
rezultate of that I am absolutely lost: it sharply bends forward, and her bathing suit is undone.

*****

The husband, having returned from work, it is angered shouts on zhenu:
-Obed is again not ready! I am hungry, as a wolf... Everything, I go to restaurant! How many it is possible to suffer?! Wait for
-five minutes! - asks Wife.
-That you will manage to prepare in five minutes if for the whole day prepared nothing?
-do not worry! I fast will change clothes and I will go with you

*****

The husband puts on in the evening, to odekolonitsya, all from sebya.
Wife emu:
-Where it you were soaped? On striptiz.
- And How much is it?
-100 USD.
-Yes I to you for 20 USD itself will dance
-!!!
husband thought... agreed. The wife danced. The husband stretches the twenty and speaks:
-Yes... cheap stuff, it also is cheap stuff

*****

The husband comes back from hunting the happy. Wife:
-As hunting?
-Class! The whole mountain shot hedgehogs!
-You that, absolutely clinked glasses? Well why they are necessary to
-?
-Well as, you on a collar, mothers-in-law on insoles.

*****

The husband comes back home before the usual. The wife has a lover. The wife runs out towards to the husband with garbage
vedrom.
-of Darling did not undress yet, take out, please, musor.
poka the husband takes out garbage, the lover runs out on a ladder on the top floor, then
nezamechennym safely leaves. Goes and thinks: it is necessary, what clear head! Comes to itself home. The wife meets him with
musornym vedrom:
-Darling so far you did not undress, emission, please, musor.
vynosit the husband garbage and thinks: well that for the silly woman - the whole day of the house, and garbage there is no time to throw out