Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about his wife

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Programmers (he or she) lie in a bed and have a rest after classes lyubovyyu.
ona:
-do not want to repeat procedure? Function did not return to
-value yet

*****

The wife woke up in the morning - and the husband is not present. Came to a balcony and Sosedke:
-Masha shouts! My syphilitic incidentally not at you?
MASHA faints, and on Cars the balcony leaves муж:
- Well how many to you to repeat, Zina - not the syphilitic I, and the PHILATELIST

*****

- Last week the grain of sand got an eye to my wife and it has to byla
idti to the doctor. It cost to me 20 dollars! Trifle
-! Last week caught sight to my wife mekhovoye
palto, and it to me cost 3000 dollars

*****

The drunk husband comes home, comes into an entrance, is knocked in some dver.
ottuda slyshitsya:
-Who there?
-Masha, it I!
-Ya not Masha...
-Well, Klava!
-Ya not Klava... Listen to
-, the wife how there, maybe, the cities we will play you?

*****

The drunk husband came home and was at once filled up to sleep. Snore is distributed. The wife pristayet:
- The Husband, and the husband, you want something?
TOT, without opening glaz:
-In the refrigerator a bubble, pour a half-glass and bring...
Wife executes everything. Having drunk, the man again falls asleep and even more strongly snores. The situation repeats still
neskolko of times and after the last question "take-I do not want" the husband bormochet:
-Well, become on four tochki.
the Wife, happy submits to will of the husband, and that climbs on it as the rider, and speaks:
- And now went to the refrigerator behind a bubble.

*****

The drunk husband calms zhenu:
-Yes old, do not shout. I am not such fool, I not the money propil.
- And whose?!
-Kuma. That he on the TV borrowed to us

*****

The drunk man rolls on a garbage can. Morning. The crowd of women goes on pabotu.
-Oh, babonk! Look what man threw out! Yes with it still quite it is possible to live!

*****

The drunk man comes back home and before the porch - bang! a forehead in derevo.
"I will cut to hell now!" - solved on.
- The Wife, where a saw?
-Ya did not drink! I ask
-Ya, where a saw?
-U Borki-i-i!
-Why gave?
-of Wan - and- And … Why gave
-?
-Ya did not know that Borka such talker

*****

The drunk man comes back home at night and stamps on kitchen. The wife follows it to look that
tam is necessary for it. The husband opens holodilnik:
shef! To Medvedkovo we will go? Hundred!
NU, chief! Well hundred fifty!
"Fie, fool drunk!" - the wife thinks and goes further to sleep. Wakes up in the morning, and in kitchen - neither the husband, nor
kholodilnika.
-Well it is necessary! Persuaded after all, stervets!

*****

The drunk man after a party comes back home. Goes carefully not to wake the wife. In the dark
nechayanno stepped on a cat. The cat terribly shouted. The man at first became puzzled, but then angrily and joyfully
zakrichal:
-Here harmful a tomcat! You where gadded? I you since the morning look for
-

*****

Two talk damy:
-All men drink! My
-A, cattle also eats

*****

Friends talk. One asks:
-your husband still makes of life light?
-Yes, for it exist only two troubles. The first - where to find money for binge. The second - where
vzyat of money for an opokhmelka.

*****

Two drunk men talk. One complains drugomu:
-Costs to me for a week to go to a hellbender how under a bed I find the wife's lovers - and all mine druzhki.
- And what will do? Probably, you will throw friends?
-Aha, as! Whether it is simpler than a leg to saw off at a bed?

*****

Drinking companions talk. One asks:
-That to you was told yesterday by the wife when saw that battery of bottles, what we left after binge?
-Yes anything of that kind. And I and so was going to pull out a foretooth the other day.

*****

Conversation in sele:
-Vasya, you heard, what scientific wife was taken to himself by our teacher - speaks on seven yazykakh.
-My God! As he can live with it? Washing speaks only on one, and that for days on end to me is not present a place in
dome.

*****

Early in the morning on Saturday the alarm clock calls. The husband reluctantly gets up and gathers for hunting - children promised
zayekhat. His wife otgovarivayet:
-Well where you will go, on the street is dark, cold, a wind, purga.
no the husband nevertheless leaves. Stood on the street half an hour. really, wind, snowstorm, children not of
priyekhali... Comes back home, undresses and dives under odeyalo:
-Brr-r-r, well and a holodina! Do not tell
-I, - the wife agrees. - And my fool on hunting left.

*****

The child does not want to fall asleep in any way. The wife speaks muzhu:
-Perhaps to me to sing to it something?
-Well why then! Try with it at first in an amicable way.

*****

The hostess decided to shift an oven. Employed the man. The stove-setter came, brought bricks, clay, puts an oven.
zhenshchina to it poplakalas:
- The C husband I get divorced, snores, the swine so glasses jingle. To Moscow carried, showed to academicians,
deneg a heap exhausted - all one hrapit.
- And sleeps as? - asks pechnik.
-Ha to a back how all - answers zhenshchina.
-As zakhrapit, move apart to it feet - advises muzhik.
ha the next day the stove-setter comes to complete work, and meets his laid table,
naryadnaya hozyayka.
-For what, the hostess? Your council
Helped, my man as cut off ceased to snore. Only tell how you, the simple stove-setter managed
soobrazit to what academicians not dodumalis.
-So that academicians - answers the stove-setter - and we easily argue, in an oven way: You will move apart feet -
upadut eggs and a bum will be closed. DRAFTS are NOT PRESENT, And SNORE is NOT PRESENT

*****

The hostess decided to shift an oven. Employed the man. The stove-setter came, brought bricks, clay, puts an oven.
zhenshchina to it poplakalas:
- The C husband I get divorced, snores, the swine so glasses jingle. To Moscow carried, showed to academicians,
deneg a heap exhausted - all one hrapit.
- And sleeps as? - asks pechnik.
-Ha to a back how all - answers zhenshchina.
-As zakhrapit, move apart to it feet - advises muzhik.
ha the next day the stove-setter comes to complete work, and meets his laid table,
naryadnaya hozyayka.
-For what, the hostess? Your council
Helped, my man as cut off ceased to snore. Only tell how you, the simple stove-setter managed
soobrazit to what academicians not dodumalis.
-So that academicians - answers the stove-setter - and we easily argue, in an oven way: You will move apart feet -
upadut eggs and a bum will be closed. DRAFTS are NOT PRESENT, And SNORE is NOT PRESENT

*****

The Russian man has to be able to do two things: to set fire to log huts and to shugat horses that to his woman was than
zanyatsya, but not to take out an eia a brain

*****

The biggest bouquet of roses was received from the husband by Nadezhda K. 8 marta
vecherom. This day in the morning on the market there arrived Armenians with cheap carnations and spoiled to the husband all
torgovlyu.

*****

- How you feel as the newlywed?
-Badly! It is impossible to smoke, it is impossible to drink, to swear too!
-Yes, toska.
- And forbade to grieve it to me

*****

- Today at you mushrooms amazingly turned out, - the husband told the wife, happy with a nourishing lunch. - Where you are
nashla the recipe of their preparation?
-B one detective novel.

*****

The married couple waits for guests. Time before arrival still had no more than 10 minutes. The wife in full rigging, the husband of
khodit who is completely dressed but... without trousers!
Zh: - You would put on trousers, and that that guests will think...
M: - Let will admire as you feed me!!!
Zh: - You then take off pants. Let will admire for WHAT to feed you

*****

The married couple on reception at seksologa:
- The Doctor, my wife does not want to be engaged seksom.
-It is a lie at all! - the wife protests. - I want! But not every month!

*****

The man sits at night and quietly the pornosites 1jj.ru watches, thinks that the wife sleeps. Well sits and skrolit pictures. And
Wife on need woke up, and slowly rose behind the back - smotrit.
vdrug the man slyshit:
- And well... thumb through on the picture up... On one... still... Here! I want curtain
takiye on kitchen!

*****

Pugacheva in a hairdressing salon sits, Alk's Kirkorov.
-resorts, I get divorced from you!
-Well and to whom you will be necessary? To all I will be necessary to
-Ya, I - a megastar!
-You schnook. Without me you tomorrow zabudut.
- And who then will be a megastar?
-Yes any schnook which I will untwist. I can this parikmakhera
raskrutit in a month. Sergey Zverev's life started being adjusted.

*****

Sit the grandma with the grandfather, have dinner. Suddenly the grandfather as will give to the grandma podzatylnik.
-do not champ!
babka ceases to champ, have dinner silently. In five minutes the grandfather again as will give to the grandma podzatylnik.
-You that, old?!
-Yes remembered how you champed

*****

Strongly drunk husband comes back home late at night and speaks:
-Darling I left the car on ulitse.
-But why you did not put it in garage? It is impossible for
-, the darling. On the street it is dark and difficult to collect details.

*****

- Tell, senhora Alonsio, your husband always lies to you?
-Is not present, sometimes I so am tired in a day that I do not ask it about anything.

*****

- Again our wonderful sonny pulled out money from my wallet, - angrily noticed otets.
-Why you think, what it it? - the wife stood up, - Perhaps I took it? It is excluded by
-: there still something remained.

*****

The husband's wife for work collects in the morning: the ironed-out trousers, a shirt, socks, shnurochka, a breakfast on a table.
husband , leaving for work, speaks to the wife:-Give me a little money - Why you money? - Well, I will go with
raboty, I will meet whom - a thread, the third I will be … - You better from work go straight home, anywhere be not late -
pervym you will be

*****

Sociologists established that having lifted from a carpet a thread which the vacuum cleaner, two of three men of its
brosayut back could not soak up to give to the vacuum cleaner one more chance.

*****

Quarrel of the husband and zheny:
-spoiled All life! Look at
- At yourself better! You as on kitchen come, so at cockroaches birth rate falls

*****

Quarrel the husband with the wife. And as extreme argument of dispute privodit:
- And I, and at me - the lover have a wife! I Will kill with
husband :
-3,14dorasa! You Know
Wife:
-, and it absolutely even not blue! To Otymey also I will kill with
husband :
-

*****

Quarrel the husband with zhenoy:
Wife: - And I, and at me - have a lover!
husband : - I will kill a pidaras!
Wife: - You know, and it absolutely even not blue!
husband : - To Otymey also I will kill

*****

Quarrel the husband with zhenoy.
-Tell, why you married me? Every day to make scandals?
-Ya did not know that you are such fool! You Lie
-! You perfectly knew about it

*****

There is a man on a window sill 9 etazha:
-I now will jump out!
Wife:
- The Moron, I cuckolded to you, but not wings

*****

There is a man in a toilet at the urinal, holds with a shoulder the cell phone and Masha, well talks to the wife blondinkoy:
-, I cannot talk now...
-...
-Masha, hands are occupied from me!
-...
-Masha, I cannot, a sou I...
-...
-Masha, the member at me in hands!!!
-...
-THAT MEANS WHOSE???