Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about his wife

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- Darling, looked at your mistress and solved is not change! It is a feat!!

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- You present to darling, the neigbour bought the same suit, as I!
-I what now to do: to buy a new suit or to move to other house?.

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- Darling, descend in shop!
-But, the darling, now such rain that you will not expel a dog on ulitsu.
-My God, well go without dog

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- Darling, why you have boots in lipstick?
-On women went...

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- Your daughter is willing to be my zhenoy.
- themselves to blame. Nothing was coming to see us every night

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- The uncle, you are married long ago?
- The wife says Yes that fifteen years, and seem to me that all fifty

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The driver from business trip goes, sees - the Gipsy votes. Thinks, to put or not. You will put - will tell
chego-nibud, you will not put - will conjure. Well, thinks, let me put, let boltayet.
tsyganka to it and speaks:
-Darling, gold, diamond, give I to you pogadayu.
- There is nothing to guess to me. That was - I know. That will be - uznayu.
-Well, then I to you three truths skazhu.
-Well, govori.
- The First truth - the moon shines, but does not heat. Truth?
-Pravda.
-of the Trestle a beard does not shave. Truth?
-Pravda.
-A the third truth - Your wife Manka goes to sosedu.
-cannot be, a lie, not veryu.
-Want - trust, you want - do not trust!
priyekhal the driver home, the wife meets him, collects on a table, butylochku
stavit. Drank, ate, and he began to tell that the Gipsy saida.
pervuyu he told the truth to him, Manka speaks:
-Oh, the truth told!
vtoruyu told the truth, Manka again soglashayetsya.
- And the third truth I to you, Manka, not skazhu.
ona stuck to it: say yes tell. It and speaks:
- And the third truth - at the neighbor Vanka in - about-from such malyusenkiy.
-Well is a lie

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- If not you, - sighed the wife, - we would be ideal couple.

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If your wife speaks more usual, something means she from you hides.

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If the woman tries to keep virginity to a wedding - that it has many chances to keep it to
pensii.

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The railway cashier complains to the chief vokzala:
-Here some type is teased, makes to me faces, making a wry mouth to an ear and holding upright a finger at a forehead!
- The Silly woman is a deaf-mute asks the ticket to Krivoy Rog

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Wife:
-My God! As I was bothered by these infinite scandals! - Well you want
husband :
, I to you silently will fill a muzzle?

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The wife awakes muzha:
-with Darling get up!
-That? Again?!!!
-Is not present, darling, for work pora.
-Ur-ra!!

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The wife returned from business trip and shouts with poroga:
-That, the parasite, again drove women?
-Well, not women, and only one. You after all itself told before departure: "-Only try!"

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The wife sees how the husband standing on bathroom scales involves the zhivot.
polagaya that he so shifts to weigh less, ona
speaks emu:
-I do not think that it to you pomozhet.
-Of course, will help, - the husband answers. - And differently as I will be able uvidet
tsifry?

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The wife comes back home in bad mood. The husband asks:
-That with you, than you are upset?
-Is not present, it is simply awful! - she exclaims. - When I go shopping to buy a gift on your
den of the birth, the things suitable only for me catch sight to me

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The wife meets the drunk husband. That enters a hall, accurately closes a door, looks at the wife and,
podumav, speaks:
-to me at the fifth.

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The wife meets the drunk husband with a frying pan at night. husband :
-Something to me is there is no wish.

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The wife, meeting the husband who came back with raboty:
- At last!
-A unless I late came?
-Ya not about it. At last from you smells as a decent perfume for women.

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The wife utters muzhu:
-I do not understand at all why pulls 40-50-year-old men on foolish very young girls of years of
18-20. Of course, beautiful young body, equal skin, elastic bum. But how at you on stupid in general
vstayet?!!
husband :
-We, unlike you, love not brains

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The wife tells muzhu:
-Vodka, juice, meat will roast on skovorodke.
husband , having been stunned, asks:
-why to fry Vodka with juice?!
-You with the vodka already pickled all brain in alcohol! I speak: here a piece of meat, you will roast on a frying pan!

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The wife speaks to the husband:-As me everything bothered darling, drudgery, nothing to carry,
vsyo is monotonous, I was tired, mood bad, a depression - Darling ya
dumayu you should go somewhere! - OOOO!! The road and how you think,
kuda??? - I think, V EBALNI*EK!

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The wife speaks muzhu:
-It seems, we will have small rebenok.
-You soon that, mother, on an old age of years went crazy?
-Ya - no! You look at our 13-tiletny daughter.

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The wife speaks muzhu:
-What fine couple - our new neighbors: he its all the time embraces,
tseluyet, tells it tender words. Why you do not do it?
-A I here at what? I do not even know it.

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The wife speaks muzhu:
-Darling, our new servants burned bacon and eggs. Whether you will be satisfied with a couple of kisses?
- There's nothing to be done, call it here.

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The wife very long speaks by phone. When she puts down a reciever, the husband without coming off the newspaper asks:
- The Darling and to whom it you talked three hours?
-Yes, with the mother. And, by the way, your beloved mother-in-law. And, you know, what? In my opinion, it half
svikhnulas!
husband coming off from gazety:
-Well, you look! In any way, the mother-in-law started recovering...

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The wife complains to the girlfriend: Kutuzov burned Moscow - and he is a hero! And I only burned cutlets - so I am
dura kosoruky

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The wife calls the husband on mobilnik:
-Vanya, where are you?
-On okhote.
- And who it so breathes loudly?
-Medved.
-A groans why?
-I Wounded ego.
- And why a voice female?
-Well, you know! I am a hunter, but not the veterinarian!

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The wife calls muzhu:
-Hi, darling! I in a sauna... Here as you always also tell all - any women, one men

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Wife:
-you Know, darling, to us it is necessary to be more careful when we speak in the presence of Alenka. She already
nachinayet to understand something and sets ticklish questions.
-For example?
-For example why I married you.

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The wife shouts on muzha:
-Give up smoking! You know, what we could buy on that money what leave on cigarettes? otvechayet:
-I Know
husband . To you - a fur coat, me - anything.

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The wife shouts on drunk muzha:
-You why the drunk again came? The husband udivlyaetsya:
-Well you give! "Came drunk". You that, did not see, what me brought? "Came"

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The wife turns at a mirror and speaks muzhu:
-Yesterday I was at the cosmetologist, and he told, what I have a breast how at 20-year-old devushki.
- And he did not speak to you about your 50-year bum?
-Is not present, about you it told nothing to me.

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The wife lays down on a bed, moves apart feet and asks muzha:
-Know that I want?
-Of course, I know! You want to occupy one all bed.

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The wife with the lover lie in a bed, suddenly comes husband :
-Everything clearly! I here the superfluous!
-Why, road! Just in time. This finishes already soon.

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The wife with the lover in a bed. It is suddenly ringing. Wife:
- The Husband came!
lyubovnik:
- At last

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- Your wife stirs much?
- When we were on holiday, at it even language sunbathed

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The wife with the husband at restaurant. Ordered a borsch and 100 grams. The wife drank, eyes water and krichit:
-Oh, the breast burns!
- The Silly woman, take out boobs from a borsch

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The wife swear at the husband. It speaks:
-you to me broke All life! Look at
- At yourself! You as on kitchen come, at cockroaches birth rate falls