Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about husband

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The husband looks televizor.
-Take a grid, - the wife speaks, - descend in shop for produktami.
-Not man's this business - to go shopping, - answers husband .
-Ah, not man's? Then undress and go to a bedroom, I seychas
pridu.
-That, it is impossible to joke? Where grid?

*****

The husband, gathering in the morning for work, asks the wife?
-Wife, where my hours? Where you them put
-, there and lezhat.
-Well is not present, you at us everything put it somewhere...

*****

The husband asks a flat key the spouse. It otvechayet:
-Yes it to you all the same to anything. If you come in the morning, the door uzhe
budet is open and if in the evening, all the same you do not get v
zamochnuyu a well.

*****

husband :
-It is necessary to get rid of my driver urgently. It already slightly ne
ubil me seven raz.
Wife:
-You is cruel, the road. Give it one more chance.

*****

- The husband too helps me sometimes, for example, today he sorval
listok a calendar.

*****

The husband speaks to the wife in the morning - Darling potryasyayushchy romantic sex with toboy.
Wife dreamed me is intrigued asks today - Yes? And how it was?
husband - Means, you were in stockings, on a high heel, very beautiful. At first took from me in a mouth, then I tumbled down you on a back and properly finished. And at the end you stood a cancer and I fried you in ochko.
Wife in horror - And what romantic here?!
husband - And, forgot. It everything was by candlelight.

*****

The husband woke up in the morning and on tiptoe went in prikhozhuyu.
-Where?! - strictly asked Wife.
-So, on fishing...
-So, goat... Fish on a balcony, vodka in the refrigerator, a hole between feet!

*****

The husband comes back to four mornings from love appointment. At dverey
ostanovilsya, rubbed a hand a white wall, spread a forehead, a jacket, bryuki.
Wife otkryvayet.
-Sorry, expensive, met the first love and here ne
uderzhalsya yesterday...
-is fine, stop lying. Again all night long played billiards?

*****

The husband reads the book, the wife - gazetu.
-Is tremendous! - suddenly she exclaims. - One man dnem
poznakomilsya with the woman, married her in the evening, and na
sleduyushchee morning killed her!
-of Anything special, - phlegmatically are noticed by the husband. - Morning vechera
mudrenee.

*****

The man speaks:
- At me very beautiful wife - pure Venera.
-you Bend. Venus - the goddess krasoty.
-Well, Venus, not Venus, but after all in it is the that-to
nevrichesky.

*****

The man complains drugu:
-Every time as I come home drunk, the wife breaks a rolling pin on golove.
- And you a pan on the head nadevay.
vstrechayutsya through couple dney.
-Well as?
-is excellent, the wife in a pan, sees nothing.

*****

The man comes home. Looks on his wife lies healthy muzhik.
khvatayet a stool and beats him very much on zhope.
Wife, without noticing the husband, lyubovniku:
- And you were afraid that will not get...

*****

The man is never so weak as at that moment, kogda
khoroshenkaya the girl starts speaking, what it courageous!

*****

The man arrived from Africa. The friend asks ego:
-You that such sad? You Understand
-, I lived in Africa with obezyanoy.
-do not worry, I will tell nobody. And it not rasskazhet.
-That's just the point: will not tell, will not call, will not write, -
grustno sighs the man.

*****

The man walks near school. The teacher it asks:
-you expect a baby here?
-Is not present, I simply such well-fad.

*****

- Mary, where tea? I cannot find in any way....
-Ah, what you helpless! Tea in the first-aid kit, in bank from-pod
kakao, on which sticker "SALT".

*****

At a meeting of school friends the messmate says priyatelyu:
- The Only thing that I am able to afford, it is music, women i
vino, as gas, food and a rent to me ne
po to a pocket.

*****

On reception at psikhiatra:
- The Doctor, at my place furniture razgovarivayet.
-it is interesting. And how it occurs?
-I Sleep, so with the wife, and the case speaks: "In my opinion, yours fell asleep" .
Wife to it: "Yes, fell asleep" .
shkaf: "Well, then I went!"
A I to it: "Where it you went? I still did not pay the credit for you!"

*****

At a silver wedding the husband asks priyatelya:
-How many give for murder?
-25 let.
-Is necessary! After all I would be already free!

*****

In court the matrimonial cause is heard. The judge asks the wife, pochemu
ona married this person?
-Why I married it? Thought if the man everyone den
pyet, means he decently earns.

*****

- Why you call Rustem not by name, but only "my darling"?
-incidentally not to name him Zakir.

*****

- Natasha, at me today parents go to theater...
-C spending the night?!
-Not, on all days off, a pancake!!!

*****

- Natasha, eat a slice torta.
-Thanks, Yura, I not hochu.
-Well, eat. Tasty!
-Is not present, thanks. I after six not em.
-Natasha, You're welcome.
-Yura, I sweet at all not lyublyu.
-you eat a pie, the silly woman!!! There the ring, I marries y

*****

- Do not detain me, I hurry - I run to the doctor. My wife something absolutely is not pleasant to me. - Wait, and I with you - and I too hate the.

*****

- Why you did not clean the apartment? - strictly the wife asks. - Ved
segodnya you absolutely svoboden.
-could not In any way, expensive: the whole day waited for you with rasprostertymi
objyatiyami!

*****

- I do not know, whether it will manage to me to achieve your love?
-It depends on you! Meanwhile everyone managed it.

*****

- Well, as your wife: still mourns the first husband?
-Is not present. Now it is mourned by me...

*****

- Well that you, men, did without us women! - shouts in ssore
Wife muzhu.
-Would go bananas and only!

*****

- Well you, at last, are ready? - the husband asks, - we will not be late v
gosti? What
-you are a bore! - the wife shouts. - I am already solid hour tverzhu
tebe that I will be ready in two minutes!

*****

- Well and bruise! You that, were knocked at night about a door? - asks
priyatel.
-Is not present, this is my house fairy put a magic wand k
moyemu to an eye!

*****

- About! I see that you do not love me any more! Now, when I pay,
TY do not even ask - pochemu.
-Because this question to me cost much once.

*****

One gentleman asks drugogo:
-you where sausage took?
-Yes here in that magazine.
- And to the people of anybody?
-Well anybody. Even seller.

*****

One man to another zhaluyetsya:
-I here ten years as impotent.
- And I (fie-fie-fie!) only five!

*****

Whether one man asks drugogo:
-you Talk to the wife during sexual intercourse?
-Yes, I talk, - sometimes at this time it calls me
po to phone.

*****

One friend tells drugomu:
-Represent, yesterday I kissed the girl, and she stala
zvat politseyskogo.
- At me situation is worse at once! I did not manage to kiss her as ona
srazu called the priest...

*****

One builder stayed three years in Africa. Worked on kontraktu.
nakonets comes back home, at the airport he is met tovarishchi.
on leaves grown thin, suntanned, in a pith helmet, on chemodane
pestrye stickers, but not a shoulder the little monkey sits. Ego
okruzhayut druzya.
-Well, how in Africa?
-Was tired, children, strashno.
-Vas, and how there in Africa with women?
-C products, children, badly, everything bought on rynke.
-Vas, you tell, how there with women? Heat
-in the afternoon terrible, and at night prokhlada.
-Well, what you to us about a heat, how with women there?
obezyanka pulls Vasya for ukho:
-Fathers, and fathers, well tell you to them about women.

*****

One wife advises drugoy:
-do not worry that your husband is dragged behind everyone yubkoy.
moy the dog chases each car but if he ee
dogonyaet, all the same does not know that with it to do!

*****

One girlfriend tells drugoy:
-Represent, the waiter brought to me a breakfast in bed, and tak
v her and remained!

*****

One girlfriend asks druguyu:
-Tell please, at you was sometime that yours muzh
vecherom did not come home?
-Only once. It happened in a month after a wedding, but ya
nadeyus that it still will return.