Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about husband

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Once, after three years of joint life the wife suddenly began to stick to the husband with a question of that, how many at it was zhenshchin.
-Well give, darling, tell me with how many women you slept?
-Lovely, it can do you rasstroit.
-Is not present, I promise I will behave and I will not become angry!
-Well. (thoughtfully) One, two, three, four, five, six, you - the seventh, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve...

*****

- Oh, who you are? - Robbers! - And what it is necessary to you? - Gold! - And there is a lot of? - 100 kilograms! - And 105 do not want? - Well give 105 … - Marinka, zolotets, for you came!

*****

The father arrived from the village to the city to visit the son. Naydya
nuzhnuyu Street and house, he entered an entrance and called. The door otkryla
zhenshchina.
-lives Bohumil Gvizdal Here? - asked starik.
-Here, here, - the woman answered. - Put it in a hall na
kovrik.

*****

The father with three sons arrived for a mowing. The old man, zaranee
blagodarny him, poured all on a glass of vodka. Through nekotoroye
time he addresses to synovyam.
-Well, my children, it is time and to work now!
A the eldest son with usmeshkoy.
-You, the father as you will drink, start grinding such nonsense!

*****

- Excellent mushrooms! - the husband praises the wife. - Where took the recipe?
-From the criminal novel.

*****

- Why you, expensive, cry? After all I leave not for 10 years, a
vsego on mesyats.
-I Know you, speak for a month, and will return in 3 days.

*****

The guy hangs up a shelf: It: - I will fasten it to corners only 2 screws - will be enough! It: - If two holes are made - it is necessary to use both! It: - All right, I before going to bed will remind today you of it!

*****

The guy approaches the girl and speaks:
-You would not oversleep with me for 100 dollars? Well understand
-NET.
-, I very need this money...

*****

- Stop to ache that I spend money for any useless things!
Ha the business I is extraordinary berezhliv.
-Here is how! And fire extinguisher? You bought it six years ago, and we do
sikh a time never used it!

*****

Pyotr promptly rushes home, its
tseluyet throws the arms round to the wife a neck, receives a reciprocal kiss and speaks:
-Well, and now tell how you find me without moustaches?
-Ah, it you? - the wife disappointedly answers...

*****

In the evenings the husband and the wife with boredom catch husband .
-How many caught? - asks Wife.
-Five. Three males and two samki.
-That you speak? And how you distinguish a male from a female?
-Is very simple. Males sit on a table, and females turn pered
zerkalom.

*****

On the station the man and krichit:
- The Infection goes! Infection!
K suits it militsioner:
-In what business, the citizen?
-Yes I the wife ishchu.
-Why spread panic?
-A that, I the wife has to how houses, an infection to call?

*****

- As, your way, who is wittier: men or women?
-Of course, men! That they offer women, wives-
shchiny laugh all life.

*****

The girlfriend complains podruge:
-Me pursue failure: once I get acquainted s
khoroshim the person, it appears that he is married or I uzhe
zamuzhem.

*****

The old man caught the Goldfish. That says to it human golosom:
-Release me, a starcha! I will grant all your desires! Yes one grief me kruchinit
-! Absolutely life from the quarrelsome old woman did not become!
otvechayet Gold rybka:
-Ded you or not the grandfather?
-Ded! Well so you will have
-a hazing!
otpustil grandfather small fish. Approaches the izba, and there the grandma at a trough is already wrung out.

*****

The man dies and asks to bring the doctor and the lawyer i
postavit at a headboard from the different parties. Brought, put. Stand,
molchat. At last, one asks:
-Well and why you called us?
-A I want to die as Jesus Christ, between two robbers.

*****

- You remember, Bill, our messmate Ned Barker? He,
okazyvayetsya, married also both times neudachno.
-As so, Hugh twice?
- The First wife ran away from it with other man, and the second - no.

*****

- How it was pleasant to you in Rest house?
-Ya very much, is very happy! There so disgustingly prepared, chto
ya at last grew thin for the whole seven kilograms!

*****

Got to accident, in some days recovers consciousness i
asks at the wife sitting at its headboard krovati:
-That, I already in paradise?
-Is not present, darling, I here.

*****

- You followed my advice? - the skilled young man u
svoyego asked the inexperienced friend. - Also kissed her, when she nem
ozhidala?
-I thought, you told "where", - the friend answered, showing na
svoy bruise under glazom.

*****

- Listen! - the bartender speaks to the visitor. - To you that, badly?
-Yes, - answers the man sadly. - To me it is bad therefore chto
moya the wife sleeps with me all time in nedelyu.
-was lucky you, - the bartender notices. - With others posetite

*****

- Look, what curve feet at it parnya.
-Yes after all it wash zhenikh.
-Ah, as to it it all right!

*****

- Look on this type: he whips whisky, smokes cigars i
volochitsya for provodnitsey.
-Anything terrible, let your grandson be a little pobaluyetsya.
-It, probably? Choose
-expressions, the madam, this is my husband!

*****

- However, that you get divorced from husband?
-Pravda.
-In that case I can recommend to you good advokata.
-Thanks, I already found to myself the good engineer.

*****

The teacher aged "a demon in an edge" speaks studentke:
-I loved only three women For all life: mother, wife and,
prostite, what is your name?

*****

There comes the husband from foreign business trip. The wife meets him,
obed welded. The husband ate and speaks:
-Here when I there at restaurant ate, on each plate zolotaya
kayemka was. A trifle, and it is pleasant!
potom goes hands myt:
- And here at them on each towel the naked woman is embroidered. A trifle,
A it is pleasant!
Wife:
-A here at the neighbor х$# on 1sm is longer. A trifle, and it is pleasant!

*****

The husband home comes, the wife throws the arms round a neck and zhalobno:
-to Vas, and Vas, give in restaurant we descend?
-You che, the silly woman, sduret? You, so we have
-anniversary, 10 years as pozhenilis.
-today And..., so at us money net.
-Vas, I here a little in 10 years of a podsobiral, on restaurant hvatit.
-So nothing me nadet.
- And I at Vanka, the neighbor, borrowed to you smoking.
-So you there is nothing nadet.
- And to me Lyubka for the sake of such case the dress evening sshila.
-is fine, poydem.
podkhodyat to restaurant, at an entrance shveytsar:
-Hello, Vasya! Hardware
-... I today with zhenoy.
metrdotel:
-Vas, a little table as usual? Hardware
-... I today with zhenoy.
ofitsiant:
-Vas, all as before, this minute... Hardware
-... I with zhenoy.
striptizersha:
-Well who the most courageous to pull the last shnurochek on bikini?
... All hall horom:
-VASYa, VASYa, VASYa!!!!!!
Wife rises, gives to Vasya a slap in the face, runs out, sits down in a taxi,
VASYA behind it, under way zaskakivat, and the wife begins it pilit:
-You..., I so trusted you, and you are a goat, and etc.
taksist turns and speaks:
-... Well and the stinker you removed today, VASYa!!!

*****

The husband home drunk to diminished responsibility comes. The wife, naturally, starts "running":
-Yes you are a loser! Not to steal, not to keep watch! Only you guzzle vodka with buddies for days on end! Swear, a reptile that you will not drink any more!
husband looks at it a muddy and blank look and silently gives a hand forward. The wife yaritsya:
-That you still forward extend hands?!
-Twist a fig itself, I cannot...

*****

The man on a visit to the drugu:
-Hi comes!
-Hi, fie, found the boy!
-You that?
-Yes I here come into your entrance, and there - there are teenagers, fie,
patsana found, surrounded me and speak: "Give money!". I speak,
mol, is not present money, and they: "Well then at us at all on ocheredi
sosi...", fie, the boy was found!

*****

I came somehow time home at daybreak, and the husband here as here, for hours before my person waves and I shout in all throat, and to it quietly so, with skill, otvechayu:
-Clean hours, my father before mother a calendar waved!

*****

I will sell the cheapest way fishing tackles and fishing clothes. Telefon:
545-31. In case the call is taken by the man, follows skazat:
oshibka".

*****

- The raved fate! We with the wife were happy whole dvadtsat
let!
-A then?
-A got acquainted then!

*****

Two talk podruzhki:
-Maria how your husband?
-Both drank, and drinks as beat, and byet.
-Well, thank God, if only did not hurt.

*****

Two talk sosedki:
-Heard? Petrov was left by the wife!
-you Joke? And how he endured it?
-Already calmed down. But at first thought that will go crazy ot
radosti.

*****

Two talk frantsuzhenki:
- And you saw the husband during sexual intercourse?
-Not I eyes zakryvayu.
- And I here uvidela.
-Well and what?
-Costs pale and a door holds!

*****

Two priyateley:
-talk You know how it is heavy to lose the wife?!
-is Almost impossible...

*****

Two talk znakomykh.
-Where your brother?
-B travmatologii.
- And what with it?
-We concluded a bet who will lean out of a window pyatogo
etazha further, and it won.

*****

Two talk holostyaka:
- The Washing wall-paper, certainly, excellent piece! But so trudno
otdirat from a wall and to push them in the washing machine!

*****

2 girlfriends talk: - He for the first time kissed me yesterday! - And how? - Everything is good, only I to it broke points...-!?!!!?? - Squeezed knees...