Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about husband

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Two talk priyatelya:
-I do not know, as to do: where I will hide money, the wife nepremenno
naydet!
-A at me never found. It there from a wedding ne
zaglyadyvala.
-Where?
-B box with my fragmentary socks.

*****

Two talk priyatelya:
-Listen why you never give to the wife flowers? I am afraid of
-, it uses them not for designated purpose and as venik.
-Well and that, let in the house will be venik.
-Well, it will sit down on a broom and will whirl away in a pipe.

*****

Conversation of two dam:
-My dear, - is told by one, - You have an amazing necklace, i
takoye the long. I bet that your husband gives you on zhemchuzhine
kazhdy year in day of your birth.

*****

Conversation of two muzhchin.
- At it a foot as at gazeli.
-That such harmonous and thin?
-Is not present, the same hairy.

*****

Conversation of two podrug:
-I now will tell such joke that at you boobs will fall off ot
smekha.
-A-a-a!!! So you already heard it?

*****

Conversation of two frantsuzov:
- The good wife - that at which the husband and lyubovnik.
- And I thought, it plokhaya.
-Is not present, bad that at which only lyubovnik.
- And I thought, it padshaya.
-Is not present, fallen that at which nikogo.
- And I thought, it odinokaya.
-Is not present, lonely that, at which one husband.

*****

Conversation podrug:
-You know, what women less accidents, than men make?
-is interesting? And why?
-Because women care of the car, as of the husband, and muzhchiny
otnosyatsya to it, as to own wife.

*****

Conversation of neigbours on skameyke:
-I do not know anybody who would love animals more strongly as Klava
-it heats the kittens only in warm water.

*****

Conversation in chate:
marishka:
-all of you are guys identical, all want seksa.
iwannasex:
-I not such!

*****

Two swear stervy:
-You is a silly woman!
-Yes you are the silly woman!
-You is an ugly creature!
-Yes you are cattle!
-Yes you... yes you... yes you are not able to suck away at the man!!!
-Who? I? Well it you from the evil!!!

*****

- To whom you half an hour talked?
-Yes so, with bratom.
- And what is his name?
-Told that Kolya.

*****

- Are you crazy? Why do you get the black dress on the sea?!
- should always take into account all. My husband can not swim ...

*****

- What you today such elegant, Charlie? I Celebrate
-gold svadbu.
-you Joke, you only five years as Wifet.
-But they cost me all fifty.

*****

Family idyll: the husband reads the newspaper, the wife knits, at her feet a dog, v
kamine fire flares. The wife speaks muzhu:
-I Beg you, do not tell "yes, expensive" every time, as pes
zarychit half awake.

*****

The married couple on reception at seksologa:
- The Doctor, my wife does not want to be engaged seksom.
-It is a lie at all! - the wife protests. - I want! But not every month!

*****

C?cil shares with Bridzhit:
-last year I was in love with Norber. And now smotret
na it I cannot. Well to what these men are changeable!

*****

The man and two damy.
-Girls sits, to you is cold? Pridvintes.
zatem.
-Girls, to you hot? Undress!

*****

Three sit in a pivnukha muzhika.
-Kohl, and you that such sad?
-Yes here, yesterday with the wife the whole evening because of a junk was barked...
-However... Well and for whom there was the last word?
-Ha! For me, naturally! You told
-I of that? The hell with you - buy
-.

*****

The nice young girl comes into the full bus, vidit
molodogo the person sitting in place for disabled people and speaks:
-Give way, please, to me, I - invalid.
tot conceded, but pointeresovalsya:
- And in what your disability consists? Understand
-, I have a husband in business trip, and I without member - as without hands.

*****

- Tell, darling, - asks Sabine the husband, - what raznitsa
mezhdu direct and indirect tax?
-A here what: the direct tax is when you climb to me v
karman while I sleep. And indirect - when ty
ekonomish on our food

*****

- Tell, please, Valya, whether it is possible to trust Zina secrets?
-Is possible, quite. She came into a fortune three years ago, and muzh
do this time does not know about it...

*****

- Tell, you know this woman?
-is superficial. Was her husband of 15 years.

*****

The matrimonial cause is heard. Sudya:
- The Claimant, explain why you want to dissolve a marriage?
- The matter is that my husband one and a half years ago in the evening vyshel
kupit cigarettes, returned last week and arranged to me skandal
iz-for the cooled-down dinner...

*****

Listen, Pierre, some type writes me if I not perestanu
ukhazhivat for his wife, it to me otomstit.
-Yes leave you his wife alone! You know
-A, who it? He did not subscribe!

*****

- Listen, Dig how to teach the girl to float? - asked KON.
-Oh, - Roy pensively told, - it is necessary to put the right hand to it na
zhivotik, the left hand, gently, on buttocks, pushing for buttocks,
poglazhivaya a breast...
-Devil take it, R

*****

Heard news? One man was given ten years that the wife brosil.
-do not talk nonsense! For such do not give term. I here itself threw two wives - and anything! You, I'm sorry, from what floor them threw
-A?

*****

The wife in holiday gathers, and the husband does not release her - speaks:
-Will find to yourself the lover there, will change me!
-Is not present, do not worry! With
-I to you on a stomach Will draw a tractor if you arrive and it will not be - means, changed...
-Horosho.
narisoval it is a tractor, it went to holiday and in the first day finds to herself the lover. Plays tricks with it - and in the last day notices that a tractor netu.
speaks to the lover about a problem - and it ey:
- At me the artist is the acquaintance, he to you new will draw a tractor...
prikhodit she to this artist, draws it to it a tractor and asks:
- At a tractor the smoke from a pipe went?
-It seems went...
risuyet dym.
- And the man in a cabin sat?
-It seems sat...
risuyet muzhika.
priyezzhayet the wife home, is proud Nikhrena lifts mayku.
husband okhrenevshy ey:
-you banged - already a tractor got...

*****

The neighbor sosedu:
-Well, at last, you reconciled with the wife! I saw recently how you together amicably sawed firewood!
-Sawed, but it was not firewood, but furniture at all...

*****

Three men argue: whose wife has a back bolshe.
- At mine here such! My
-U has more, here such!
-A at mine such blue eyes! - tells tretiy.
- At what eyes here?
-A the rest - all the back!

*****

In the middle of the night at the surgeon calls telefon:
-Hallo! The doctor, my husband oskorbil.
-Yes, but why you me awake me?
-Well as, the doctor, after all to it it is necessary to impose some seams.

*****

Quarrel of the husband with zhenoy.
-That you lived for one salary! That you from it the alimony received
-!

*****

The old maid, and sexually anxious, every evening, otkhodya
ko to a dream, looked to herself under a bed - whether the man got tuda
kakoy-nibud... Passed... to nadtsat years... and she bought sebe
eshche one bed... that its chances increased twice.

*****

The old man father writes the letter to the overage sonny: "The sonny,
pismo in which you ask money, we did not receive..."

*****

Standing on a ladder and painting a ceiling, the wife asks the husband, smotryashchego
khokkey on televizoru:
-If I, I will fall, dolrogy, be kind, cause in pereryve
skoruyu the help.

*****

Sudya:
- And you claim, what your husband who hardly costs on crutches, of
vas beat? You see when it began
-, it did not stand on crutches yet.

*****

Spouses have breakfast. The husband eats very much. The wife smotrit
na it with udivleniyem.
-do not worry, expensive, I gorge on on all den.
- And I hoped that on all month!

*****

The married couple in Louvre stopped at a statue of Venus Milosskoy.
husband long examined a sculpture and, at last, said:
-You know, expensive, it something is similar on tebya.
-Well, apparently, now noticed that I am barefoot, and me not in chto
odetsya.

*****

- You why such sad?
-Not that word! I it is simple in uzhase.
-Why?
-Ya met the wife at the station, and she did not arrive. I am afraid,
chto it houses still since yesterday.

*****

- Your husband looks the cleverest person. I believe, it everything znayet.
-do not tell nonsense, it even nothing podozrevayet.