Jokes about men

Read funny Jokes about men

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Why one men carry an ear ring in the left ear, and others in the right? I Explain
-. In the left ear carry blue, and in right pederasty.
podozhdi! And than differ blue from gays? I Explain
-. Blue carry an ear ring in the left ear, and gays in the right.

*****

- Hi, long ago did not see:) Listen, you have such boobs of мммммм steel! They increased, abruptly, it is pleasant to me!
-is offensive. Though time you would tell, we will allow: "Ania, you have beautiful eyes"
-Yes at you such boobs that at me eye

*****

- Hi, Syoma, how are you?
-Yes the wife with the child the second week in hospital, holostyaky potikhonku.
-Well and how it?
-Yes here, new everyday cunning izobryol.
-What?
-If a sink is full of dirty ware, and it is necessary to gather wate

*****

There comes a man to other city, he needs to spend the night, and in hotel places are not present. It umolyaet:
-Well give though any place, I did not sleep all night long, it is necessary to spend the night!
-Is only one place, in a double room with the man, but he so snores that you will not fall asleep - so places net.
-Give with the man!
-Yes you will not fall asleep, I garantiruyu.
muzhik continue to insist. To it eventually govoryat:
-Well as want, only that then without skandala.
administrator gave it this number, and itself worries, thinks that there will be a scandal as that man so snores at night that the wall sodrogayutsya.
odnako, any scandal was not. Next morning the visitor leaves ruddy, slept, generally, everything is normal. It sprashivayut:
-As to you it worked well? He that - did not snore?
-Snored, of course. I came, on a forehead him kissed, he woke up, and I speak: "Good night, opposite". He not that did not snore - all night long an eye did not close!

*****

The husband drunk comes home. The wife in kitchen washes the dishes. The husband a fist on a table: - Who in the house the owner? The wife a frying pan on a head. It was cut down. Lies on a floor. The neigbour comes: - And what at you the man in the middle of kitchen lies? - Owner! Where wants there and lies.

*****

The man comes to a zoo, looks - the monkey sits in a cage. It gives it candy, and it... pushes it in back pass, and then eats. The man is dumbfounded, goes to the director and tells that uvidel.
direktor to it and speaks:
-Once one tourist gave to this monkey a coco, and she took a sip of it, and then three weeks she had a lock. Now tries on...

*****

The man comes to work and zhaluyetsya:
-Erotic dreams, a pancake, zamuchali.
u it sprashivayut:
- And that so - tortured?
MUZHIK:
-So all in German after all …

*****

The man in strakhagenstvo.
-to Zastrakherta mine mashinu.
-comes you why so roughly are expressed?
-In your opinion, 'zastrakh@yta' sounds more decently?

*****

The man with the boy comes to a hairdressing salon. Has hair cut itself, then speaks:
-you will cut my boy so far, I in shop zaskochu.
. The boy was cut, and the man is not here. Ask malchika:
- When your father comes? It do not wash
-A papa.
-As so?
-A simply this uncle on the street approached me and asked: the boy, you want to have hair cut free of charge?

*****

- Forgive the man, this path conducts to the sea? - Yes. - And this? - Yes. - Forgive, and this? - Yes! Here all roads conduct to the sea! Devil's island!

*****

The drunk man comes to 3 o'clock in the morning home. The wife starts beating him on the head a frying pan, prigovarivaya:
-Here to you hour, here to you two, here to you three...
husband with oblegcheniyem:
-is good that I still in 12 did not come!

*****

Two talk priyatelya:
-to me acquaintances enclosed svinyyu.
- And I married the!

*****

Two talk priyatelya:
-Listen why you have one ear more than another?
-So in maternity hospital a steelyard weighed me...

*****

priyateley:
-you Know conversation, what can make your girl happy?
-Is not present...
-Other guy!

*****

The most talkative woman - the drunk man.

*****

- Syoma, we will go bukhnyom! You have generally what plans for evening?
-to Work, eat and pospat.
- The Animal!.

*****

- Seryoga - really brave boy. Acquainted with the girl in the STI clinic - You need to have the courage ...

*****

The man in library sits and reads the newspaper. Overturns sheets and bormochet:
-huya..., huya... Next a table the woman speaks:
- The Man, you could not read
ZA silently!
TOT, turning the new page, otvechayet:
-Here I also speak, about me huya..., huya...

*****

Sit in hotel 3-y travelers and argue, kak
kto from them defines - whether changed it the жена.
1st-vy: "I will have the to a trip, then after, then compare-
vayu. If there is a difference... Means changed. "The
2nd - oh: "And I the, between feet, tie volosinki.
If they broken off-means changed. "The
3rd-y: "Eh men!!! I come from business trip, home I do not go, and I knock to the neigbour and I would shout" hey. on open! "
NU and me in reply" And yours that, yours that both td and tp..."

*****

Told it: "Everything, enough! You got me! I leave you!". I leave. I hear a shot. It was shot?! I come back. Opened champagne, a bough.

*****

- Listen, Syoma why your engagement with Lyusy fell apart?
-Only because I told that it has stockings smorshchilis.
-But after all it is not offensive!
-Well, stockings on it were just not...

*****

Three men argue: whose wife has a back bolshe.
- At mine here such! My
-U has more, here such!
-A at mine such blue eyes! - tells tretiy.
- At what eyes here?
-A the rest - all the back!

*****

- I began to do it compliments, and it to me - poshchechinu.
-Something indecent told?
-In general molchal.
- And how you then did compliments?
-Hands.

*****

There is a man, the nice girl approaches him and and asks:
-you will not prompt how to get to maternity hospital?
-Is necessary tr %% @@@@ sya, on another it will not turn out.

*****

The son ottsy:
- The Father, I gather zhenitsya.
otets syny:
-Before, than to marry, the sonny, you has to understand that the family will become for you everything. Therefore think that it is more important for you - all or a family.

*****

TV men ask the centenary old man about a secret him dolgoletiya.
-It because I refused from seksa.
-Clearly. And when it occurred?
-of Years fifteen nazad.
- And why refused sex?
-Was necessary. I like women is more senior. But already remained nobody.

*****

Only men after gas station at gas station shake the gun in a tank.

*****

Only our men as the real gentlemen, can open a door before the woman and tell: - "Pizduy"!

*****

You feel like the real man when in a toilet well-aimed short turns you wash away tea leaves from toilet bowl walls?

*****

You feel like the real man when in a toilet well-aimed short turns you wash away tea leaves from toilet bowl walls?.

*****

Prison cell. The door opens, the huge jockstrap and a bass enters: "Blue" is?" To a chamber silence - everything pritukhli.
-I once again ask
B: "blue" is?
vykhodit such sickly convict and squeaky golosom:
-E-est.
-How to call? - asks gromila.
-Liu-yusya, - Katya answers dokhlyak.
- And I. Let's keep together.

*****

At all women only one-track mind: as if at all men only one-track mind.

*****

- Men have only two gyrus: Yum-Yum and Tyk-Tyk.
- And my more and bang-bang ...

*****

The man cannot have all rolled into one: both mind, and decency, both sexual opportunities, and physical force, both hard purse, and smart cottage, and absence of other women.

*****

At one rural man the head very strongly ached. Here on
vspomnil that the neighbor was a doctor, well earlier and Petrovich went to nemu.
-, help, the head raskalyvayetsya.
petrovich poured a glass of moonshine. The man drank, pain as a hand snyalo.
through couple of days the man again comes and speaks:
-Petrovich, help... the lock tortured!
petrovich pours a glass of moonshine. The man drank and skrivilsya.
-Petrovich, what is it? That time moonshine as moonshine was, and now дерьмо
какое?!
-So after all it as... Like cures like!

*****

Having heard in the morning the phrase: "Darling, I am pregnant", Vadim two more days pretended to be sleeping.

*****

The man got a job on plant to work. Next day it appears v
bolnitse. His friend navestit:
-comes Che happened?
-Yes I come into shop, I shout to the workmate: Vasya, throw to me a key on 27
-I che?
-Yes would be known by me that there is so much Vas....

*****

Morning. Crowded bus. On a seat the man with the wife and rebenkom.
rebenok mutters questions, the man in the autopilot answers, type: to an ug, of course...
I occurs such dialog:
-Pa-a-ap here you love mother? Da's
-! Strongly you love
-??
-Of course. Often you love
-A??
-Hmm. Get away!!!
TUT started мама:
- Yes a horse-radish there often!!
rebenok, also mogotonno:
-Pa-a-ap, and what horse-radish is frequent there?

*****

Well Russian men settled: the tree itself grows, the wife gives birth to the son, Tajiks build the house...