Jokes about men

Read funny Jokes about men

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The woman to be simpler - pokapriznichat a little and everything that is necessary at you already est.
muzhchinoy to be more difficult - pokapriznichat a little and you even do not have anything to eat.

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Women do not want to hear that men think. They want to hear that they think but that it was told by a man's voice.

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For the woman there is the last word in any dispute. Any word told by the man after that is the beginning of new dispute.

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The man to the neighbor on dache.
vidit comes, his mother-in-law, having bent in half, the neighbor kopayet.
-conjures with a bed with a helmet on the head (and a heat outside to 30 degrees Celsius), and That it is your mother-in-law in a helmet? - he asks soseda.
a that otvechayet:
-Well that I every time to a fence will run that to beat off a shovel from dirt!

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The man comes into jewelry store. Devushchka-prodavshchitsa:
-Oh, the man as it is good that you to us came, by St. Valentine's Day at us two weeks of 20% of a discount, buy something as a gift to your girl. Here a kulonchik gold in the form of a heart, your girl very much ponravitsya.
muzhik grustno:
-I have no girl …
prodavshchitsa koketlivo:
-cannot be, such prominent, handsome, tall man and is not present the girl? Why?! grustno:
- The Wife does not resolve
muzhik …

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There is a drunk man, comes into an entrance, rises by a floor, rings a door. He is opened by the man. The man (the braided language, the hissing voice):
-of Zdraassiya, an aaa is possible for Kohl?
-you were mistaken, Kolya not zhivet.
-Izinite here, - the man leaves, takes a detour pocheta.
through 5 minutes rings the same dver.
-to Zdraasssiya, and it is possible for Kohl? The Man you got
-, night outside, no Kolya lives here!
-Izvinii.
ukhodit, in 15 minutes a situation povtoryaetsya.
-Zdrassiya, and Kolya call a pzhalust …
-Well, got! Yes there does not live Kolya here!
muzhik obizhenno:
-Aa well koneshshno, one you live everywhere!

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From memoirs: "I never fooled around, neither to the mistress, nor other women".

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The engineer Sidorov of 50 years paid for a mortgage that in the following life to be born already with the apartment. But was born a hamster. It was not lucky the man...

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Each man secretly from the wife has the right to vacuum a cat.

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Each man has to remember that moment when he excellent guessed the answer in "That? Where? When?", and these fucking experts - no!

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Each man has the right if shampoo ended, to wash the head shower gel.

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Each man has the right to leave the closed pistachios for later.

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Each man is obliged to be able to straighten pants through a trouser pocket.

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As the honest person it was obliged to marry it. And as the dishonest person - is not obliged at all. He consulted to himself and solved: it is better to be the dishonest bachelor, than the honest husband.

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- What pose gives the maximum pleasure to the girl?
-It, standing, chooses a ringlet from Tiffany&Co. Man behind: prepares a wallet.

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The candidate for grooms asks at svata:
- And the girl beautiful?
-Beautiful and bogataya.
-it suits Me. And how many at it thousands of a dowry?
-is So much, how old is she. Dvadtsat.
-It is a pity. It would be necessary to me is more senior...

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When the man says that he has nothing to put on, it means that all pure ended. when the woman says that she has nothing to put on, it means that all new ended.

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When the man bears to beat out a carpet, he wants to shoot from it on garages as from a bazooka.

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When men communicate, will never tell that they are bosom friends and when women communicate - that they are sworn enemies.

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- Who is more satisfied: the man, at which six children or that at whom six million dollars?
- At what six children!
-Why? Which
-U six million - wants still!

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Any woman who had to help the man to look for forgotten couple for a sock, already knows that men distinguish a huge number of shades of black color: the first "black", goes then "I speak, black", further "another black" (and my favourite one more its shade "YES OTHER CHERNYY, EPTA"), and the last color "Yes All the Same Already, Give This".

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- Lyusya, why you iron my jeans? I never ironed them!
-That's it. You, men, never iron them. Therefore we and mark you: other female sees you in the ironed jeans and at once understands - this male is already occupied, designate boobs from him!

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- Lyusya, we would be ideally suited each other! I even am afraid of the same, that and you!
-of Syom, you too are afraid of pregnancy?.

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The car, with the become puzzled woman at a wheel, rushes in stenu.
ostaetsya couple of meters, the man suddenly sitting near it pulls a bench hammer and the car fades in centimeters with a barrier. Sitting in salon begin it blagodarit.
muzhik:
-Yes all right, I am pilot Istra %% a tel, simply I in a cabin in this place have an ejection lever...

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Boys are measured by willies, and girls - husbands. That is everything finally is reduced to the first. It is also patriarchy.

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- Mikola, you killed the boar?
-Well, I talked to it, he understood everything.

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Mischa and Volodya quietly make sour a konyachok, a limonchik have a snack...
M (sad): You know, Volod... Business, business... I spin as protein v
kolese... There is a wish not to hurry anywhere... to sit... to read the book... o
vazhnom, about eternal to think...
B: Mish, My God... Yes I will suit everything!

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The young Englishwoman, trying to make impression on the American gentleman, it is proud zayavlyaet:
-my family tree goes from one of ancestors which shoulder the queen touched with a sword, and it became rytsarem.
-It that, here my family tree goes from one ancestor which head the Indian leader touched with a tomahawk, and he became an angel!

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The man comes back home from hunting and declares zhene:
-Well everything! You can not buy the whole month of meat!
-That, shot very much?
-Is not present, the pancake, spent on drink all salary!

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The man comes into the bar, orders viski
-Skolko from me?
-3 of $
Мужик takes out $3 from a pocket. One puts before himself, then goes to the left end of a rack, there puts the second, then goes to the right end of a rack, there puts the third. The bartender goes to the right-on the left and takes away money. Next day again the same man comes, again orders whisky, and displays money in the different ends of a rack. The bartender to be angry, but behind money goes. Such picture repeats day after day. Once the man orders whisky, rummages in a pocket and pulls out a piece of paper in $5. The bartender quickly takes this piece of paper, vindictively smiles, gets $2 delivery, and displays money on the different ends of a rack. Then comes back and mischievously looks at the man. The man drinks whisky, pulls out from a pocket dollar, and speaks
-Pozhaluy, I will take still a glass!

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The man hurries somewhere, is late. It is stopped gaishnik.
muzhik:
-by the Commander, I too quickly went?
gaishnik:
-Well, too low flied.

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The man called the dog "To whom Angelina Jolie will come to have sex" that on a platform for walking of dogs krichat:
-"To whom Angelina Jolie will come to have sex", to me!

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The man soaps jeans and prigovarivayet:
-Nikomu it is impossible to trust! To anybody...
prodolzhayet намыливать:
- Even to itself. And after all only wanted to break wind...

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The man regained consciousness after a lethargical sleep. Speak to it, and so. Overslept more than 10 years. Guess, what approximately at us now year. ON:
A who now at us the president Putin or Medvedev?

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The man with bad diction caused in a sauna shlyup.

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The man buys the ticket on railway train station:
-you to Uryupinsk have a ticket? The lateral, top shelf the toilet has
-Est.
-A? - Is!?
-A before me Gipsy tickets bought a camp, with them in the car it is possible? It
is possible, only there also demobilization edut.
-Davayte, that!
kupil, home comes, the wife from kitchen runs out and asks:
-darling, you bought the ticket to mother? You will not believe
-, the last snatched.

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The man attached to a tree shouts on a clearing in lesu:
-Help! Rescue!
IZ of bushes leaves lesnik:
-You that shout at all wood here?
-Yes here, tied to a tree, three hours already shout also any h@y not podkhodit.
lesnik undoing shtany
-Daaa!? Maybe mine will approach?

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The man on reception at the doctor complains on bad slukh.
-Smoke? Yes.
-Drink
-?
-Yes. Woman's
-?
-Well...
-Is necessary zavyazyvat.
-better to hear? Never!

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The man came home, changed clothes, beer on a stool, feet - in slippers, cuts a TV set.
Ha screen prompt: "Soccer. Champions League". Was going to look, so...
zvonok at a door. It opens. To it on a neck the cool girlfriend with krikom:
-Darling is dumped! I was solved! I will be your wife!
-Blya-ya-ya-ya-ya!!! Well why right now?