Jokes about men

Read funny Jokes about men

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The guy got acquainted with the girl in a disco. After brought it to himself home, suddenly the girl became sad. Her guy asks:
-That it with you?
-You, likely, badly think of me. But you know, I at all such... Yes I you trust
-. The word of honor, veryu.
tut in general sobbings nachalis:
-You at me pervyy.
-That, the first with whom you sleep?
-Is not present, the first who trusts me.

*****

The guy got acquainted with the girl and here at last she invited him to herself late at night home. Come into the room, begin laski.
devushka:
- The Hardware, I have parents of the house, sleep now. The father - serves in OMON, mother - the lieutenant MVD.
PAREN about himself: blya where I got?! Continue, were forgotten uzhe.
devushka:
-More silently, I have a brother in the neighboring room, only from airborne forces vernulsya.
paren about myself: blya where I got?! Devushka:
-you Want unforgettable night? Da's
-!
-FORCE!!!

*****

The guy suggests the girl to play in karty:
-Let's play on sex!
-It as? If I will win
-, I with you will oversleep!
-A if I?
-Well... then you will oversleep with me!

*****

The guy, seeing the girl to the apartment, understood, than appointment on inscriptions at an entrance will end.

*****

The guy finishes the girlfriend on anal sex...
ONA:
-Is not present, know, at you it is impossible to excite me so strongly that I wanted THERE. There was at me a lover who could excite so strongly me, what I otdalas.
paren:
-That he made?!!! He SUCH brasletik bought
ONA:
-to me....

*****

Guy: Hurrah! At last! I could not wait any more!
devushka: Can leave to me?
paren: No, do not even think of it!
devushka: You love me?
paren: Of course!
devushka: You sometime changed me?
paren: No, how such came to your mind?
devushka: You will kiss me?
paren: I will be!
devushka: You will beat me?
paren: No way!
devushka: I can trust you?

*****

My boyfriend - the humorist, a pancake...
UTRO. I wake up from that he very gently kisses me on the lips, on cheeks, on a forehead. I luxuriate....
I suddenly, its disappointed voice:" And why you do not turn into the great princess?."

*****

To guys on a note: never interfere with babsky dismantlings and/or fights - stand apart to yourself very quietly and shoot with the mobile phone.

*****

Overslept the guy with the girl...
ONA:DO of it I was a virgin, and mother to the gynecologist was going to conduct, check me tomorrow and what to do?
on:erunda! Takes a cover from a bottle of beer pulls out a polietilenka, vstavyat... "there", here, everything is all right will be. Next day the gynecologist watches also eyes at a forehead.
mat:chto not whole???
doktor:da whole, simply the first time I see that "there" the expiration date stood.

*****

- Why did you stop dating that girl?
- She bad vkus.
- In what way?
- She said that she does not like me.

*****

Got acquainted the guy with devushkoy.
devushka:
-Tell, you anybody do not meet?
paren (sighing):
-I Meet!
devushka (sadly):
-C whom?
paren (sighing):
-Yes is one married there!
devushka (having become cheerful):
-I who is she?
paren (angry):
-Who, who! The wife washing, mlya!!!

*****

Got acquainted the guy with the girl, well we will dance tea coffee etc. After love lie in a bed dovolnye.
devushka (with gusto): Mm
-... At last I have a young man! Da's
PAREN:
-? And what is his name?

*****

The guy got acquainted with the girl. Took a walk. The guy speaks:
-Well that, can we will go to me? otvechayet:
-You know
ONA, I will directly tell you, I, likely, unmodern, but such principles, generally, I decided to remain with me a girl, I will not be sure yet that I really love that man, which near mnoy.
-Well... But is rather heavy to live, likely, so...
-Yes, in general, no. Here the husband, that becomes hysterical...

*****

The police officer passes by the parking on which it is parked avtomobil.
podjekhav closer, sees, what in the car sit the guy and devushka.
paren reads the magazine, the girl knits socks.
politseysky approaches a driver's window and asks parnya:
-Than you it are engaged here?
PAREN:
-That, you do not see? Magazine chitayu.
- And it?
-Socks vyazhet.
- And how old are you?
-Devyatnadtsat.
politseyskiy:
-A to the girl?
paren (looks at the watch):
-In ten minutes will be eighteen.

*****

- A sexual hormone - the strongest hallucinogen!
-Obosnuy.
-Before you the ordinary stinker, and it shows you a lovely and gentle being …

*****

The semiconductor is a guy who from appointment sees off the girl tolko
do doors her podjezda.

*****

I remember how in the 5th class we argued with little girls whom better to be: guy or girl. As in own favor they adduced argument that we to guys should have a shave, and to them is not present! Naive …

*****

The girl to the parnyu.
ona comes: - I have for you two news: good and plokhaya.
on: - Begin with horoshey.
ona: - I will have no nine months monthly …

*****

Talk the guy with devushkoy:
-you Want, I will show focus? You will Bring up
-!

*****

Two talk parnya:
-I here the other day met the girl, with which whole mesyats
perepisyvalsya on internetu.
- And how?
-Ya underestimated its ability of work in a photoshop.

*****

Speak by phone the guy and devushka.
on: You, probably, very much krasivaya
ona: (coquettishly) Why you so think?
ON: Only this way the nature could compensate such dullness

*****

From that day as it left him, he did not eat and did not sleep. He guzzled and slept sluggishly and immoderately.

*****

Incidentally saw such situatsiyu:
sidit the guy such offended, and the girl asks from him proshcheniya:
" - well forgive Darlings, forgive me the idiot... "
Ya I think, a pancake well it did... It to it speaks:
" - Here try once again a cap not to dress
A!

*****

Council to girls. Guys do not understand hints. If someone is pleasant to you, approach and tell: "Hi, you are pleasant to me, let's be on friendly terms and strike".

*****

Argue the guy with devushkoy.
ona: - I will not give you, so far you on me not zhenishsya.
on: - I do not marry you, so far you from me not zaberemeneesh.

*****

There is a girl, waits for the bus. The pleasant young man and sprashivaet:
- The Girl approaches it, you oversleep with me for $1,000,000?
devushka: - Yes, of course!
-A for 5 kopeks? Yes for whom you me take
-!? For whom I take
-clearly, it was necessary to agree about the price!

*****

The strict father releases the daughter at cinema with parnem:
-That through an hour and a half were at home!
PAREN:
-Through an hour and a half? Yes I will be to try to persuade her only hour!

*****

That girls at a meeting with parnem:
1 want to hear % - You are my personal grade of heroin! %
10 - You are so beautiful, I cannot live without you, I you lyublyu.
89% - Hi, my name is Asheton Kutcher, And am my friends: Johnny Depp, Tom Felton, Yens Somerkhalder and Jared Leto. We are so lonely.

*****

Jeweler magazin.
-This here a ringlet with bryuliky, I take it. Put in a box. And now here in this korobochku.
-you are sure? In the second box? Da's
-! And now still here in this. And in this too! And in that... And in that, in the sinenky...
spustya hour...
-A now in this box. You have an adhesive tape? Roll up all this horoshenko.
-It is a gift to the girlfriend? And she will not take offense?
-of Anything, anything! It did not give three years me.

*****

I found to myself the guy. Clever, kind, true and beautiful... and byla
schastliva!. So far the clever did not learn about kind, and true about the beautiful.

*****

Narkash with the eyes which are widely opened from surprise, turning to babke:
- The Grandma! Be kidding - we in the submarine!

*****

Narik flocked on fishing. Went, went and remembered that did not dig out hearts. Got into a hempy field, dug a worm and further shurut. Ha to the coast got a worm on a hook and in water... In 5 seconds the worm gets out on leske:
- The Brother, in nature, you cho do? They will bite me!!!
harkoman wakes up, looks out of the window, endeavors to remember as the tree under oknom:
-"Hochu-li-ya is called?"... no, not that... "Mogu-li-ya?"... not, again it is not similar! "Gamno-li-ya?"... br-r-r! And! In - "magnolia"!

*****

The addict Vasya died. Horonyat.
srazu the coffin is followed by close relatives - plachut.
hesut the poster: "Why you left so early, Vasily?" .
dalshe there are distant relatives - plachut.
hesut the poster: "You forever remained in our hearts, Vasily! "
poslednimi go friends: Radiate, move, hokhochut.
hesut the poster:" VASYa! TY HE DIED! TY GOOONISh..."

*****

The addict in "Toy Store" addresses to prodavshchitse:
- The Girl, and you do not have anything to be kidding? M-m-m
-. We have inflatable crocodiles, hippopotamuses.
-Well, to me something to be kidding!
-Well. At us is clockwork myshka.
-It as? Well you it get
-, throw on a floor, she runs - other mice run out and start running behind it, clockwork runs up to the river and jumps in water, other mice jump behind it and all tonut.
-Oh, a trick! Tell, and you have no clockwork militiaman?

*****

The addict Sergeyev slightly upykhany comes into the dining room. Stretched the shivering palm to razdache
-Put to me a cutlet here...
perevorachivayet a hand a palm down and again in razdachu
- And here makoronchik...
-Yes at you cutlet fell!
vnimatelno and long takes an all around view of a hand... and so uncertainly...
-... a chuvikha, you drive...

*****

The addict - the teacher zoologii:
-Children, write heading - "Cow" (fills a jamb). The cow treats cattle... (it is tightened, starting up a smoke in a window leaf - pykhkhkhkhkh...) Means, the cow has horns... (pykhkhkhkhkh...) The cow has an udder... (pykhkhkhkhkh...) The cow has wings...
UCHENIK:
-Ho the cow has no wings!
uchitel:
-Is not present - will grow... (pykhkhkh...) Also weed - e - fir-trees!

*****

Accident on Tera Square. The car is smashed, from it hardly izvlekayut
troikh the young people drunk in dosku.
-Who drove the car? - Anybody asks politseyskiy.
-, - one of victims answers, - all of us sat on a back seat.

*****

Afghanistan became the first country which recognized independence of Kosovo. So the producer ­ of heroin recognized independence of the distributor.

*****

The grandmother, old-prestarenkaya, approaches the pricked addict, and asks:
-to Vnuchok and how to pass on Arbat?
narkoman long looks at it unseeing eyes and otvechayet:
- And as to you, the granny, in a high, and go.