Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about husband

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- My son about everyone becomes more and more similar to me in the afternoon...
-I that, already anything it is impossible to do with it?

*****

The young wife complains mather:
- The Husband to me became worse to belong. What to do?
-Care of it. Give it that to it is more nravitsya.
-than the Blonde.

*****

The young woman drives on the highway the car with huge skorostyyu.
sidyashchaya near it the girlfriend speaks,
-You can go not so quickly? At me everything flashes pered
glazami! You do
-A the same as ya.
-As?
-Close eyes.

*****

The young woman knits small chulochki.
-Darling, - she speaks to the husband, - You would like, to hear how po
nashey to the apartment small legs run?
-Is not present, I do not love mice!

*****

The young woman sleeps and sees son:
ona goes at night on the dark lane and suddenly hears for herself shagi.
oborachivayetsya and finds that she is followed by the man. Ona
uskoryaet step. It too. It even quicker. And it does not lag behind. Ona
bezhit! And behind steps ran... It runs to the deadlock. It ee
khvatayet, develops... krichit:
-That you will do
zhenshchina? I do not know
-, madam, after all is your dream...

*****

The young man (it is interested, making advances):
- The Girl, and you is married?
ONA, slightly smutivshis:
-Is not present, I simply am not made up...

*****

- The young man, what you afford?! - the owner na
svoyego kvartiranta.
-shouts Rush into a bathroom, even without having knocked! Forgive to
-, please. Semyon Semenych, - justifies smushchennyy
kvartirant. - I thought that here not you, and hozya

*****

muzhikov:
-I like to Smoke a monologue, oh I love! And would smoke one behind one! Odnu
sigaretu smoked, following lit, smoked it, from nee
sleduyushchuyu lit... And still пи@#у I love! Oh I love! So i
zalez would weigh there, only ostavil.
- And lips that what for?
-I like to Smoke lips!

*****

- My wife - an ardent supporter syroyedeniya.
-mine too does not know how to cook!

*****

The gloomy husband and the talkative wife talk on walk. ONA:
-Ah that for the woman there was Anna Karenina! What love, what passion, what novel! Well you are silent? You that, "Anna Karenina" did not read?!
ON:
-Is not present... That you then read
-A?!
-"Mumu"...

*****

The husband who came back after walk to hotel asks drugogo
otdykhayushchego:
-you again played Ping-Pong with my wife? Yes.
-I who won
-?
-It, as usual. Every time as soon as she sees, chto
nachala to lose, does same therefore ya
sovershenno I am lost: it sharply bends forward, and it kupalnik
rasstegivayetsya.

*****

The husband returned from fishing without catch. Wife asks:
- And where fish?
-B to the small river where to it byt.
na other day the husband comes back from work, sat down at a table and - to zhene:
- And where a dinner? Dining room
-B where to it to be.

*****

The husband comes back home. The wife to it speaks:
- At last I threw out your old kostyum.
-You that, went crazy? And to what I will go v
nalogovuyu inspection now?!

*****

The husband comes back home late at night. In kitchen zapiska:
-your dinner is in a stomach at a dog!

*****

The husband comes back from work, the concierge submits him the letter. Podnimayas
v the elevator, it reads it and turns pale: it though anonymous, no
dovolno the clear. In it it is said that the wife to it izmenyaet.
husband comes into the apartment, with a force slams a door, napravlyaetsya
tyazhelymi steps to the wife and, having reddened for anger, izrekayet:
-I know everything! Hardware
-!... - she answers. - Here and perfectly, then tell, kogda
byla fight on Martna, the kid cannot finish domashnee
zadaniye in any way!!

*****

Husband (indignantly): Who you ordered to deliver to
- These flowers on a table?
SLUGA:
-your wife, sir!
husband :
-What they wonderful, isn't that so?

*****

The husband speaks zhene:
-Darling you now will fall for pleasure - such I to you prigotovil
syurpriz.
-What, tell skoree.
-I opened a new virus and called it by your name.

*****

The husband speaks zhene:
-Here, read article about fishes. You quite could you will learn at nikh
molchaniyu.
- At first learn to drink at them only water!

*****

The husband and the wife have dinner. The wife spills on herself borshch:
-Faugh! I look as a pig!
-Aga. Moreover and a borsch has a shower bath!

*****

The husband and the wife arrived to the station with huge bagazhom.
-It is a pity that we did not take a piano, - told husband .
-Uningeniously! - told Wife.
-Really, uningeniously, - the husband, - Matter in that sighed, I left to
chto tickets for a piano.

*****

The husband - zhene:
-I Hope that you will have a gift which I will give you prekrasno
smotretsya on paltse.
-Thanks, darling. Only do not buy too dorogoy.
-Yes you that! Where you saw expensive thimble?!

*****

The husband to the wife after ssory:
-If you really loved me as you lyubish
utverzhdat, you would marry somebody another, and ne
za me!

*****

The husband - zhene:
-Sweet washing, I want you poprosit.
-About what, darling?
-Swear to me if I die, you after my death will be nobody lyubit.
- And if you do not die?.

*****

The husband with the wife arrived to Moscow behind purchases. In a crowd magazinov
husband lost the wife. Long looked for it, but it is ineffectual. Obratilsya
v militia. The person on duty asked to call it primety.
-What else signs? Well here my wife - the high, slender blonde with a slender waist,
-explains
- The duty militiaman. - And your what?
-Is not present, mine - small and round-shouldered... You know that? Let's luchshe
tvoyu look for!

*****

The husband and the wife sit in kafe.
-Darling why you so eat a little?
-You said that I as Dyuymovochka.
-of Da- And. But you are emptied as a horse.

*****

The husband finds the wife in a bed with lyubovnikom:
-That he does in our bed?!
Wife (blissfully):
-Miracles...

*****

The husband calls zhene:
-Where are you?
Wife:
-B NORE.
husband :
-Where, Where???
Wife:
-Well, in the car, which you to me podaril.
husband :
-It not Nora, and Renault!! It is good that I did not present Peugeot to you...

*****

The husband again asks zhenu:
-How old are you? Do not ask
- When I am occupied by another, differently I can skazat
pravdu.

*****

The husband bathes the child, shouts from a bathroom: - To Kat, he eats foam! Through couple minut:. - To Kat, it really tasty!

*****

The husband of one woman works at building. Suddenly in the afternoon she hears how the entrance door opens. The husband with two buckets of solution in dirty working special clothes, in a mouth a bull-calf comes. Wife: - And why to us it? The husband shudders and, having left catalepsy: - The pancake, I che, home came? Here a nikher to myself I reflected!

*****

The husband (answering by phone): I do not know
-Ya, call in bureau of weather!
khoroshenkaya young Wife:
-Who is it?
-Some seaman, probably. He asks, as there on the horizon.

*****

The husband writes the wife from long business trip: "Darling luchshe
tebya is not present any woman! Yesterday I again was convinced of it!"

*****

The husband in the presence of the wife potters with the motor of "Zhiguli". Listen to
-, you can though minute to sit silently?
-Ya that, I disturb you?
-Is not present, but I cannot hear, I started the motor or not.

*****

The husband comes home. He is met by the wife with plakatom:
" I do not talk to you!"
husband shrugs shoulders and sits down to watch televizor.
through five minutes in front of the TV there is a wife with plakatom:
" And know, why?"...

*****

The husband comes home and you speak zhene:
-Ah, my sweet tooth! Go, I bought you two kilograms of a sprat.

*****

The husband recovers after an anesthesia and becomes ochen
sentimentalnym. His wife turns around to the nurse and speaks:
-I did not hear that he so tenderly talked to me with dnya
nashey weddings. Where you get such medicine?

*****

The husband comes from work tired and golodnyy.
- The Wife, let's devour something!
-A where magic word?
-Run, your mother! Fairy, pancake!

*****

The husband - to the friend, vzdykhaya:
-Generally my blessed - the woman laconic. All trouble v
tom that it uses her few words almost continuously!

*****

husband :
-Look, I erase already the third rubakhu.
Wife:
-You washed two?
-Is not present, I began directly with the third.