Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about husband

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- Why your husband often leaves from the house in the evenings? - asks
podruga.
- The Poor thing, he does not like to stay at home one.

*****

Three girlfriends meet the fourth which left zahusband .
-Well how it is married - better recently?
-is not better, and is more often.

*****

Three prostitutes sit in the bar, and one complains ostalnym:
-unsuccessful day Today... I earned only $100 - took v
rot 4 times for $50, and a half was taken away by the souteneur...
other answers ey:
-It still anything - I earned $50 today - only 2 cocksucking of »«
$50, and too a half to the souteneur...
sidyashchaya nearby the old prostitute zayavlyaet:
-you do not know that such bad life... In times of Velikoy
depressii sometimes it was necessary to me on 10 times a day delat
minet free of charge, only to have in pishchu
chto-nibud more hotly...

*****

You know, Mischa, I concluded with the wife very favorable pari:
If I do not come home to the promised time - znachit
proigral in the evening and I give her hundred rubley.
- And if you very late come if, for example, in general in the morning?
togda scandal?
-B volume and benefit of my bet. It right there jumps from a bed i
radostno krichit:
-Lost, lost!

*****

- I have with the husband fantastic relations, - Nikolaevna brags before podruzhkoy
nina. - I will not manage to ask it about something as on
tut disappears!

*****

At the man the wife is pregnant for the first time. She all the time eats chalk. Somehow the man comes home with a chalk bag, and the wife to it speaks:
-Know, today I do not want chalk, and there is a wish me g%vna.
-for That?
-G%vna.
nu that you will not make for the beloved wife. Takes a plate and goes to a toilet. Comes back with a plateful and, screwing up the face, stretches zhene.
-Salted? - asks ona.
molcha solit.
-Peppered?
molcha strews with pepper and again you stretch a plate zhene.
- At first try, - speaks Wife.
smorshchas, scoops a full spoon and pushes to itself in rot.
proglotil.
-Well as? - asks Wife.
-Disgustingly, - the man speaks. - ved.
- Then give to G%vno chalk.

*****

One woman had 10 children, and all of them were boys. I
zvali Tell all to Volodyami.
-, - asked it, - and how you distinguish them? To
-On a middle name, - answered it is proud the woman.

*****

The convinced bachelor speaks drugu:
-Women - worse than gangsters!
-It why?
-Because gangsters demand: "Purse or life?" And zhenshchiny
trebuyut both that, and another!

*****

- How you manage to make ends meet, Marta?
-Is very simple. Hard only the last twenty seven dney
mesyatsa.

*****

- It is awful! - the wife swears. - You began to come often za
polnoch, awake me, and I cannot long fall asleep!
-Give me more money, - the husband agrees, - and I will be prikhodit
utrom!

*****

- You reproach me that I am a bad wife. But after all is even worse!
-Of course, is worse. But those though throw the husbands.

*****

The tired and gloomy husband comes from work, has supper, goes to a bed to have traditional sex with the wife. The wife, seeing such mood of the spouse and wishing to make it pleasant, Darling as it is good says in protsesse:
-...
-A-a-a! The speaking log!

*****

The wallet with a large sum of money is lost. The owner rummages on vsem
karmanam. The wife quietly asks:
-In trousers looked?
-Yes.
-A in a jacket?
-Tozhe.
-A in inside pockets?
-NET.
-Why?
-If is not present there, I will have a heart attack.

*****

- As soon as in the morning on television aerobics begins, mine muzh
tut jumps with krovati.
-It is so keen on aerobics in its years?
-Is not present, it is not engaged in it, and observes in a window as vypolnyaet
eti exercises the seminude it i

*****

Phlegmatic Svensson tells priyatelyu:
-Imagine, I go, I hear, behind someone beat. I turn around - in
menya.

*****

The hostess complains to the veterinarian of the psa:
- The Doctor, it solicits me for days on end!
-Well, nonsense, we will perform on it one operation, and it not budet
vas bespokoit.
-any more My God as it is awful! And whether it is impossible to cut simply claws i
ubrat a fetid odor from a mouth?

*****

Bury the man. The passerby asks:
-Of what he died? Read
-A on wreaths, - advise emu.
tot reads: "From the loving wife of" ; "From the Mother-in-law" ; "From children" ; "From Trade-union Committee".

*****

- Pretty businessman! You borrowed to Robert three thousand dollars,
A he escaped with your wife!
-Ya is not so silly to borrow money just like that.

*****

- It would be desirable to know who this man who with samogo
nachala, without coming off, looks at me?
-Is the antiquary, - the girlfriend kindly answers.

*****

Ekhkh … We grow old … Bought somehow with the husband a disk with a porno … saw … appreciated … Abrupt design of a bedroom, the Italian tile in a bathroom and a carved table in kitchen.

*****

- Yulya where you bought such beautiful shoes? Imagine
-, in a small little shop on the suburb. Zaveduyushchey
oni were small, and to the shop assistant - are great.

*****

- I very much worry about the husband, - the woman speaks to the neigbour. - On
poshel on the river to heat a cat. Was going to get on samoye
glubokoye a place and there to throw it in vodu.
-About what you worry?
- The Cat came back home already

*****

- I was indignant having heard that Pierre ran away with your wife. Ya
dumal that it your the best drug.
-It is also my best friend, but he for the present does not know it.

*****

- When I married, my husband had some nedostatki.
- And since then?
- Them became Since then much more.

*****

- I do not know that to do to me! The husband went to America 2 years ago and now writes that I came to him with 2 children. - Well and what? - So now that them at me four!

*****

- I cannot understand why the man is allowed to have only odnu
zhenu.
- When marry, will understand that the law protects people, kotorye
ne is able to protect itself.

*****

- When I declared to the wife, what this summer we will not go to Nice, ona
upala to a faint, - tells Zherard.
-Well and how you brought her round? - Gaston.
-Very simply is interested, I sat down on her new hat!

*****

- I presented to the wife the book "How to Save Money", - said
bil to the priyatelyu.
- And what result?
-Ya gave up smoking and grew thin for 10 kg.

*****

- I do not understand you, - the wife speaks to the husband, - You razduvayesh
skandal only because soiled my bra svoimi
paltsami the seller of fuel oil. Be it the oil tycoon, you by
nashel are remarkable.

*****

- I simply do not understand you, - the doctor speaks to the regular customer. -
Kakoe is necessary for you sleeping pill, if you till two nights ezhednevno
torchite in a pivbara?
-It not to me. It is to my wife.

*****

- I heard you got a second time zahusband .
- It is. But I am worried that he is much younger menya.
- Do not worry. Under the influence of your character he bystro
postareet.

*****

- I ask last time why you want to terminate vash
brak? - asks sudya.
- The Wife was eager to have the boy, and I was protiv.
-Why? After all children - ornament semyi.
-But she wanted to have the twenty-year-old boy!

*****

99% of answers of men for phone call look so late at night - "Silently men, washing calls, pour so far" - "Yes expensive, I will be soon, was late at work".

*****

Ladies' choice dance - ladies invite passive heteros.

*****

Roughly spent night - a good occasion to remind about new shubke.
ona, it is gentle pritragivayas:
-Darling so you solved about...?
ON, sprosonya:
-About whom, you? So far you remain!

*****

There were at me two acquaintances - the twin. They solved once prikolotsya.
odelis equally, further one goes to the subway with a big bag, suddenly at station before the closing of doors with shouts that was not in time vybegayet.
narod begins already to its bag primerivatsya.
tut at the following station the man runs entot (IMHO his brother): - 'Ooh, was hardly in time'.

*****

In the bus quite well-fad man addresses to malchiku:
-Give way to the uncle with akvariumom.
malchik ustupayet:
- And where an aquarium?
muzhchina, clapping itself on zhivotu:
-Five liters of beer and two voblas.

*****

In the bar two men sit, the bar is already closed, and one man speaks drugomu:
-Listen, and went to me home, there we will continue!
-Not, went better to me, my house is closer otsyuda.
-Is not present, you are mistaken, wash closer!
-Well went, we will look whose blizhe.
v the general, there are they bar, turn for a corner, and one of them speaks:
-my house there, see?
-Yes a horse-radish similar, is my house!
-Is not present mine! Well let's knock with
- At a door and we learn whose is the house, and? Give
-!
podkhodyat they to a door, knock, they are opened by the hostess and says:
-About! Well you only look at this handsome - papanya with the sonny on horns!

*****

In life of each man there are moments when the size does not matter.