Anecdotes about drug addicts

Read funny Anecdotes about drug addicts

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Judge the 2nd narkov.
"that from you who will disaccustom more than all people to drug addiction - we will release"
vstrechayutsya through the неделю.
1st-y nark: "I disaccustomed 10 people!! "
sudya: "how? "The
1st-y nark: "I used a method krugov.risovat one small circle and one big and explained that the big circle is your brain before the use of drugs, and small - after"
sudya: "it is laudable, and you?" (addressing to the 2nd nark) the
2nd-y nark: "and I disaccustomed 1000 chelovek.ya too used a method krugov.tolko I said that the small circle is your hole in a bum to prison, and big - after".

*****

- The son, tell me honestly, you shmal blow?
-of Fathers, I am a daughter!

*****

Stamps across the field in a smoke the extinguished addict, suddenly stumbles and falls. Rises, feels the earth, finds a horseshoe and speaks:
-WOW!! abruptly, now I will turn, and there a horse...

*****

Three grandmas - girlfriends meet, and conversation came about the внуках.
1st-aya: It seems to me, my grandson when will grow up, will become the gardener, it on a window sill raises already whole year a grass. .
2-aya: And mine, probably, will become a doctor, he everything potters with syringes. .
3-aya: And mine it will become exact the driver: he will wet a rag gasoline, will put it on the person and speaks: "All the grandma, I drive off".

*****

Three narco catch a wheelbarrow. speaks:
-we Will get one into the car - we are silent, and drove that will redeem, what we obkurilis.
poymali, mudflows, molchat.
vodila:
-you chyo, boys, were smoked?
NARKI:
-??????
VODILA:
-Sat down three together on a forward seat and are silent.

*****

By car stole wheels from the man, he approaches the seller and speaks:
-you have wheels?
-Is, - speaks prodavets.
-Sell four shtuki.
prodavets starts counting tabletki:
-Time, two, three, four...
muzhik utochnyaet:
-Yes to me to leave!!
-Five, six, seven....

*****

At men in the yard the huge tree grew, in any way to cut down it ne
mogut. Well, they called the drunk, gave a vodka bottle. Wake up in the morning,
alkash sleeps, vodka is not present, and a tree stoit.
pozvali the glue sniffer, given it glue, acetone, still any muck. Utrom
prosypayutsya, the glue sniffer the killed lies, glue and acetone came to an end, derevo
stoit.
pozvali the addict, "Belomora", shmal gave it. Wake up in the morning - the addict's
NI, shmat, a tree, the half of wood it is cut down, and somewhere vdaleke
slyshen knock of an axe. Run up, and the addict there with might and main brings down trees, tolko
shchepki letyat.
-Hey! You that! You one tree were asked to cut down, and you spoiled the half of woods!
-Yes, children, understand, at first on a trick, and then punched...

*****

Ask the addict: "How people die? "
-Probably, their stork carries away.

*****

The boa, Monkey and Elephant calf decided to shoot up. Well, the Monkey in a hand,
slonenok in a foot. And on the Boa smotryat:
-So you have neither hands, nor feet...
-(it is nasal and with feeling) What hands! What feet!! I weigh one bolshaya
vena!!!

*****

Ukurenny narka gathered home. One, the closest to a consciousness surface, rukovodit:
-I now will catch a wheelbarrow, I will agree, and you sit down and are silent. That nobody guessed that we already got high! Caught a wheelbarrow, agreed. Mudflows, go. Driver:
-you that, smoked a grass?
-A as guessed?
-As guessed... Sit five together on a forward seat, are silent all the time...

*****

The addict Vasya died. Well, all as is necessary, a funeral. Meters in five ot
tolpy relatives there is a crowd of addicts with the poster "VASYa!!! TY NE
UMER!!! YOU DRIVE!!!".

*****

The addict died, got, it is natural in a hell. Sees a huge field of hemp, on the edge of a field the devil sits. The devil offers:
-Let's have a smoke...
-Of course, give! The devil stretches a jamb narkomanu.
-A matches?!
-Eh, would be matches - there would be paradise.

*****

- Hurrah! - Matrosskin.
-cried my beloved Uncle Fedor arrived! Now my
v more grass we will prepare two times!
"the Speaking cat... - the Uncle Fedor thought. - In my opinion, I have already enough grass..."

*****

The addict to watchmen in a zoo settled. Well, sat down to work the first night. For the morning the chief comes and sees such picture: "open-air cage" with turtles is opened, turtles are not present, and the addict polumyortvyy.
nachalnik asks:
-Yes you chyo, absolutely nearby rolls.......?! What did you do?! It is an endangered species of turtles! Such is only at us!
narkoman, hardly turning yazyk:
-Well... this... understand..., I wanted... well... to feed them... Opened a cage... And they as flocked!!!

*****

The teacher addict conducts a lesson in vovochkiny klasse:
-Tell, Lenochka how birds fly?
-Kosyakami.
-Jambs! These are FIVE! Tell
-, Petenka how fishes float?
-Kosyakami.
-Jambs! These are FIVE! Tell
-, Vovochka how bears go?
-Stayami.
-Packs... these are TWO! What is your surname?
-Kosyakov.
-of Jambs! These are FIVE!

*****

The teacher addict at a lesson botaniki:
-Children what grows on a kitchen garden? Masha?
-MAK.
-Mack? Poppy is five! Petya?
-Konoplya.
-Hemp? Hemp is five! Sasha?
-Kapusta.
-Cabbage? The cabbage is two. Surname?
-Kosyakov.
-of Jambs? Five, Jambs. Five jambs?

*****

The teacher addict at a lesson geografii:
-Petrov how ducks fly?
-Kosyachkom.
-Is five, five... Ivanov how geese fly?
-Kosyachkom.
-Is five, five... You how horses run?
-Tabunom.
-Is two... How surname?
-Kosyachkov.
-O! These are five, five.

*****

The teacher addict sits at a lesson, smokes...
uchitelnitsa (being tightened, slowly):
-of fish... float... jambs...
(was tightened) by
-of a bird... fly... jambs...
(was tightened) by
-people... go... jambs...
vstayet small malchik:
-Marya Ivanna, and the father said to me that people go crowds...
uchitelnitsa (being tightened):
-street mugger your father...

*****

Bury the addict. Ahead the procession, goes the woman and prichitayet:
-Yes where you incurred and there darkly and there damp and there is there is nothing...
A behind two addict, the friend, to one another speaks:
-Slysh, it that, to me perhaps bears?

*****

Bury the addict. Behind a procession there are friends with transporantom:
-Vasya you did not die, you drive.

*****

Rush hour. Two addicts sit in the trolleybus. The Sonny and as it is not a shame to you approaches starushka.
-! Would concede mesto.
odin starts rising. Another emu:
-Sidi, Serega! I know this headdress: you will get up - she will sit down!

*****

The person (H) sinks in the sea, shouts, round anybody, the addict (N) who is put out in dupel and ulybayetsya.
ch sits only ashore. Help, rescue, I sink!
H. Everything normally the man, everything is normal!
chelovek to leave under water, hardly comes up and oret:
pomogite!
H. Everything well the man, spokoyno.
chelovek leaves for good under water and here the saving boat approaches, see one addict sits swim up to it and ask: Who shouted who sinks?
H. Yes there is nobody everything normalno.
spasateli uplyvayut.
iz under waters with the last bit of strength the person comes up and shouts Help!
H. Be not afraid the man, bathe I otmazat you!!!!!

*****

There was a hare on the wood and saw a hemp field. Approached, the jamb hammered, was tightened - in prt, a buzzing a grass. Thinks, it is necessary for the winter zapas
sdelat. Ran behind a braid, and started mowing. Here the bear by goes and sees - a braid already a half of his field mowed. Approached and gave to a hare a zatreshchita. The hare the head shook - in prt, the cool grass mows further. Well the bear gave more strongly - the hare again the head shook - In a pancake abruptly, never so the grass of a pearl, and mows even more hazardously. Here Mischa in general okhr@net, took dryn and on a hare. The hare fell, fainted. There passed minute. Rises slanting,-headed winds: "Not to sleep, not to sleep. to mow. to mow".

*****

The addict shot up and thinks: "It is necessary to have a telka!" Found the girl, retired with her... put it a cancer. Sticks it, sticks, but cannot get. Thinks: "I will light a kosyachina, can skontsentriruyus". Arson jamb... Here ashes fall to the girl on a back she with shouts konchayet:
-A-a-a-a.
narkoman:
-Ya such... I can...

*****

School. Enters a class new uchitelnitsa:
-Zdrastvuyte my name is Marikhuanna Gashishovna, and now answer me as birds fly?
Bce horom:
-Jambs!!! - on faces of pupils appears radost.
- And how there go cars?
Bce is simple in inexpressible delight orut:
-Ha wheels!!!
-A that are eaten by cows in the winter?
VIZG passing in voy:
- The Grass!!!!!!! Da's
-!? And so: birds - packs, cars - on the road, cows - hay, and a surname of Oblomov at me.

*****

- Edik hi, behind beer drive!
-That?! This authoritative manifestation of tyranny of society! I demand the termination of operation me as individual! Everything, this fiasco! As I collapse the personality!
-So to set aside beer!!! Edik, pour out a l

*****

I behind a candle candle in an oven,
Ya behind the book - that to run.... Such bolshe
ya I will not buy
anashu.

*****

CCCP, 50th years. The American tourist decided to drink sparkling water. Approaches the machine gun, throws three kopeks,
zhdet. The machine gun pozhuzhzhat, coughed also anything. The American still throws a coin - anything. Still a coin - the same effect. Scratched
postoyal, turnip and thinks: "And after all it is idea! "
Tak appeared playing machine guns.

*****

Two Americans and opposite sit at a little table Russian in a tavern. One American speaks dpugomu:
-Listen, you see that Russian? Well vizhu.
-Watch
-, it now will drink a glass of vodka, and to it will be nothing...
-!!! Watch
-, it now will drink the second glass of vodka and to it again will be nothing...
-!!!!! Listen to
-, it now will drink the 3rd glass, to it again will be nothing, but here it is time for us to leave...

*****

The Russian, the German, the American gathered. They were given zadaniye:
vypit a vodka box, to go to the wood to reap a paw to a bear, vy ** t the Chukchi. The American drank a bottle of vodka and died. The German of
vypil a vodka box, went to the wood and did not return. The Russian drank a vodka box, went to the wood. Comes all hackneyed, live
mesta is not present. Speaks: "Well, where that Chukchi to whom I have to reap a paw?".

*****

Two submarines - the Russian and amerikanskaya.
vsplyli face in Atlantic, teams were built aft. The American captain warns team that were silent and in any
sluchaye did not answer Russians. Floated the friend about the friend of the submarine, sailors stand still and here young American
matros so plaintively zdorovayetsya:
-Hellou Rashn!
russky kapitan:
-That??? hu@vo it is painted?! The central post - torpedo attack!!!

*****

And what will be if Bush slips on a banana skin?
-End to the banana countries!

*****

- And what they, these freaks?
-Freaks - they almost same as Americans and Canadians, it is only more nice!

*****

- And what it at you all apples of a ponadkusana?
-So is American, a grade of Apple...

*****

America. Small small town. Papikmakhepskaya.
papikhmakhep cuts constant kliyenta.
-What plans for holiday, old times? - he asks y nego.
-I Want to visit Moscow, - answers tot.
-In Moscow!!! In this dirty, smelly city where the garbage is not cleaned and the street is walked by bandits and bears! Yes you that,
sep?! He take in head!!!
-I after all I will go. After all mine the grandfather and the grandmother once lived there!
-A what airlines you fly? - asks papikhmakhep.
-Aeroflot! - Mother expensive answers tot.
-, these are the nastiest airlines. There the narrowness and disgusting food stinks of kerosene,
yzhasnaya. To steam of hours of delay to you gapantipovano.
- And after all I go!
-Hy is fine, an in what hotel you stop in Moscow?
-B of "Russia"! What
-nightmare! There a lot of prostitutes, the dray prices, around cockroaches and merzopakosny pepsonal.
-I go, in any case! That will you do
-A in Moscow? - it is not appeased papikhmakhep.
-I Want to descend to Lenin's Mausoleum!
-??????. There huge turn, around militia and frisk. Disgustingly and in a disgusting way!
-will stop nothing Me! - answers kliyent.
chepez to steam of months, after a trip it comes in papikhmakhepskyyu.
-Hi, buddy, - speaks parikhmakher, - as a trip? Whether I told the truth to you about Moscow? Know
-, Moscow very much was pleasant to me. They have a new mayor Luzhkov and he guided an order there. Around purity, I did not see crime of
malo and bears!
-Hy, an Aeroflot as? Everything how I told?
-He absolutely. The plane was almost empty, so that replaced us in the 1st class. Fed greatly and the stewardess was
ochen lovely and nice devyshkoy.
-Hy, a hotel, the truth, rubbish?!
-That you! They there made recently repair and there was a week of discounts, so that I lived in number luxury! Any prostitutes and
tapakanov.
-Hy, Lenin's a were seen? - it is not appeased papikhmakhep.
-Present to yourself, saw. And you will not even believe. There are I in turn, the person in the civilian suddenly approaches, allocates for
menya in the party and says that their scientists just made a miracle and could recover Lenin, and that he wants
pogovopit with whom-nibud from crowd. And they chose me for this tseli.
-My God, I do not trust the ears! And what Lenin told you?
-Yes only couple of words: "Old man, and who it you so hgenovo podstgig...?"

*****

America. Two in beds, business approaches an outcome. ONA:
-Oh, honey, you finish?
-No, I'm Swedish...

*****

America after all very young strana.
podruga told. Brought to them to hospital of the old man on operation. Ordinary such American grandfather of years of
devyanosta of five just over by the name of John Milligan. Lysenky, all in senile buckwheat, the medical record is thicker than its
samogo, but is perfect still in the right mind. Asked the address. The city such (the small town of thousands on 15 inhabitants, the suburb of
siettla), the sister notices John Milligan Street, house 1.
registratsionnaya: - Is necessary what coincidence: you are John Milligan and the street too John of Milligan.
dedushka speaks: - Well so anything surprising, I it also based it. I when arrived to these regions at the beginning of
tridtsatykh, there still nobody lived. Open country. I chose the town more beautiful, put a hibarka. Hung up post
yashchik, I come to mail: here here to me letters and newspapers, please. They ask, what street, what house number.
DA what street to devils, I there from the road a little bit of gravel filled that "Ford" did not slip, here and all street. In total
ravno, speak, so it is impossible, call somehow. Well I also called without thinking twice. And then around the people began to lodge,
mesta beautiful. Now not all remember that I am that John Milligan.

*****

The American, the Englishman and the Russian began to argue: at whom the biggest military samolet.
- At us, - speaks amerikanets.
-We can the whole tank battalion zagruzit.
-Ha, - there began an Englishman, - and we can fly up, having onboard a squadron torpedo katerov.
russky thought and speaks:
-Here, recently, we fly. The commander speaks to the fifteenth pilotu:
-Wan, drive in the 34th compartment - something buzzes podozritelno.
nu there, Ivan on the motorcycle and drove... Hour through two comes back and dokladyvayet:
-Anything terrible the commander! Simply the Boeing in a window leaf flew, is wound round a bulb and buzzes, buzzes...

*****

The American, the Englishman and the Russian are praised that will force a cat sjest
gorchitsu. the American hva-thaws a cat and pushes mustard to her in past.
-This violence! - protests russkiy.
anglichanin puts mustard between two pieces of sausage, and koshka
sjedayet.
-It is deception! - the Russian then smears with mustard to a cat pod
khvostom, and a cat protests with we howl vylizyvayet.
-Pay attention, - tells Russian, - voluntary and from songs.