Jokes about peoples

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New Russian comes to tourist bureau. As it is necessary,
raskatal fingers, made a boring ugly face, everything put...
NU, right there runs up to it menedzher:
-That will desire?
-I was going to Have a rest. There is a wish for something krutogo.
-Perhaps, wish to the Bahamas?
-It. It already was. I want something special. Itself you understand,
bratishka, it is necessary to distract from problems, from raboty.
-Yes, I understand. Well... want to the Alps?
-Yes it. Too was! I know
-Ya, what it is necessary for you - SAFA I.
-A it as?
-On the jeep will drive, goats and bulls will do some shooting...
-It as at work, perhaps?!

*****

New Russian to itself comes to firm somehow and addresses to svoyemu
kommercheskomu direktoru:
-You know, Fedya, and I after all the genius!!! It you took
-C of that? Yes here the designer bought
-. On it it is written "from 3rd to 7 years", and ya
vsego in a month collected!

*****

New Russian in Swiss bank:
-comes I want to put money on schet.
-How many you want to put? New Russian shepotom:
-Three million dollars. Klerk:
-you can loudly speak, poverty at us is not considered defect.

*****

The son of new Russian home from shkoly:
- The Father comes, and you know the multiplication table?
-Well it seems yes.
-A how many will be twice two?
novy Russian starts digging convulsively in a man purse, considers na
kalkulyatore, delayet
zapisi and suddenly lifts golovu:
-Generally four but if wholesale - give on three.

*****

New Russian somehow came to church. Well, prikid as obychno:
malinovy spindzhak, the okhrenezneyshy gold cross on a paunch, paltsy
sootvetstvuyushchey sweeps, etc. Goes it to an altar and vidit
- The father costs. Too to itself in a fancy cope, the cross ne
menshikh also costs the sizes, a censer waves. Looked at it novyy
russky, approached and speaks:
-Hear, the brother, at you, in my opinion, a man purse burns!!!

*****

New Russian came to pet-shop. I want, speaks, to buy a parrot and to teach him to speak. Sold to it
dorogogo of a cockatoo. Next day he prikhodit:
-Not - and, does not speak! You buy
-A to it kolokolchikov.
kupil and in two days again prishel:
-All the same does not bazarit, in nature!
-A you buy it a short flight of stairs and zerkaltse.
kupil. In three days came snova:
-Is silent, son of a bitch! You buy
-A to it kachelku.
kupil and a swing. Zagovoril.
-comes in a week dovolnyy.
-Hurrah! And that he told!
- And told: "WHEN YOU to me, the GOAT, WILL ALLOW to DEVOUR?!"

*****

The new Russian came to restaurant to have dinner. Covered "glade", drank, has a snack - the mood was lightened. Inspects
zal - looks semya
"botanists" sits - dietary soup from cabbage is eaten. He calls up the sonny - "botany" and speaks:
-Hear, the boy! Sit down be treated - here an ikorochka, cutlets, salatik, sok
sebe pour...
TUT mummy turns to "new Russian" and speaks:
- The Young man, our son is full!
"New Russian": And I tell
-let is not full, sits down, eats!

*****

New Russian came to theater to a premiere. Stupidly looks at a scene. Then something in a head at it clicks, on the person
poyavlyaetsya intelligent expression and he sharply vykhvatyvt a mobile phone, dials number of the buddy and speaks: "Hear, the brother,
tut in nature, the cherry orchard sell. It is possible to take almost for nothing!"

*****

Make scientific experiment. The German, the Japanese and the Russian was given on three glass spheres and locked in separate
komnatakh. In an hour come to the German, and he polished spheres to gloss, spread out accurately, sits, admires. Come to
yapontsu, and it at each other put three spheres and sits, meditates. Come to Russian - two spheres are broken, and
tretyego is not present. It sprashivayut:
- And third sphere where?
-A it knows a horse-radish, lost somewhere.

*****

The new Russian with the little daughter po
beregu the picturesque lake walks. Sees - the artist draws peyzazh.
novy Russian with the daughter rise at it behind a back and observe za
rabotoy the artist. After a while new russkiy
nazidatelno speaks dochke:
-Here look, the daughter as the uncle without polaroid suffers!

*****

- Forgive, you Russian?
-Judging by a salary - yes.

*****

Wakes up, New Russian in smart number smart otelya.
vstal from a bed, scratched eggs and went to a toilet. Goes, and hears some unclear sound when walking. Looked at
nogi - and there nails - pskruchivatsya already already. Well it bustro to phone. The problem with nails with nails standing calls administratoru:
- At me Here....
-Is not present problems. Now in your number will approach spetsialist.
through some minutes - knock at a door. NR opens - on the threshold is muzhik.
nr: - You who?
muzhik: - I am a master pedikyura.
nr: - Listen, Yura, me pokh@y - the pederast you or not! Here with nails something should be solved....

*****

Psikhbolnitsa.
sestra brings to the patient obed.
bolnoy watches porridge at an eta and begins krichat:
sestra, the sister! Porridge that - for two? The fly
NET-speaks sestra.
a that guzzles?????????

*****

The hard worker gets to paradise. watches - on an arch an inscription "Fulfillment of desires of a half of hard workers of Russia". It comes, its
odevayut into a red jacket, gold, give a roll of money and let out in a paradise garden. only he manages to play cards,
kazino, to drink, popristavat to little girls as the heap same, as well as it unexpectedly flies, hard workers and brutally
izbivayut. it hardly crawls to an exit and what it was? for what?
-A it we grant desires of the second half of hard workers of Russia.

*****

The hard worker is going to do a canopy over a house entrance on Tverskoy.
podkhodit to it the mobster and asks:
-Hear, the man, you that beg here?
-Yes here, I think a roof from icicles organizovat.
-Umatyvayka you here, the clever man, from here pobystry and remember: krysha
u otsosulek here for a long time is available.

*****

Two new pusskikh.
-Wan talk, hear, yesterday Serega in St. Petersburg on the 600th Mercedes in the man on loshadi
vpezalsya!
-I as consequences?
-Well, Serega in hospital, a soft-boiled Mercedes...
-A as that man on a horse?
-A to it that? It bronze!.

*****

Two talk barmena:
odin.
-To me yesterday the famous singer came, took a coffee cup, threw on stol
100 dollars, sat a little and svalil.
drugoy.
- And to me new Russian came yesterday, took a coffee cup, threw on stol
100 dollars and left, and then returned with friends and took from me $
за 500 that I stole its money from a table.

*****

Two new russkikh.
-talk You heard, Seregu in St. Petersburg largely shtrafanut!
vrezalsya on drunk business in a horse with the man!
-Well and how it, poor creature?
-All as is necessary - soft-boiled "Mercedes", and itself in hospital valyaetsya.
- And that man with a horse?
-A that with it will become, with the bronze?

*****

Conversation of children of "new Russians":
-Ya got on papashin a komputer, such mad game there yesterday...
"1C Accounts department", I to the third level doshel.
- And further?
-Further me taxes crushed.

*****

Conversation in a bed between new Russian and it podrugoy:
-Darling. I want from you the boy...
-Is not present problems. Tomorrow come to Beijing restaurant, to you podoydet
malchik there, will tell - from me...

*****

Tells new Russian to the son evening skazku:
-Well, so the son, nastuchat the old man on a turnip for the grandma....

*****

Restaurant. New Russian - small, with a short neck, well,
ushi near shoulders enters. Behind it the bodyguard - okhrenitelny zdorovyak.
sadyatsya they for a little table comes and do the order: turtle soup. Wait. Passes 20
minut, and the order is not here. The bodyguard goes for dismantlings with the chief-povarom.
kartina: on a table the huge turtle lies, above her there is a cook,
zamakhnuvshiysya a knife, and waits when the turtle puts out the head. Cherepakha
golovu puts out and fast hides back. The cook strikes with a hatchet po
stolu. Telokhranitel:
-You che?! Give, pokazhu.
podkhodit to a table, thrusts to a turtle a finger into the back, she vysovyvayet
golovu, which to her right there otrubayut.
-About! Where you learned?!
-A you think how I to the boss tie 7 years in a row a tie...

*****

It decided new Russian to povypendrivatsya before the friends and went in zoomagazin.
asks at the seller: "I need a parrot more abruptly and quickly learned to speak",
prodavets shows him an old cockatoo and speaks, in three days there will be boltat
chto a TV host. The new Russian paid and ushel.
na the next day comes and says that the parrot molchit.
prodavets - And you to it a cage on is more spacious kupite.
novy the Russian bought big abrupt kletku.
through day again came and complains that again not zagovoril.
prodavets - You to it a pocket mirror and hand bells kupite.
rusky kupil.
na the third day joyful such resorts also delighted - Started talking, Zagovoril.
prodavets asks - Well and that said.
novy Russian - the Parrot told: "Listen to the SCHNOOK when you tykormit me".

*****

Decided new Russian to get acquainted with the girl who passed every day by its office. Consulted to
svoim the psychologist, and that speaks:
- The best - to draw her attention with any natural question. A
samoye the main thing - that all was as it is possible naturalnee.
na other day the new Russian looks from a window - it goes. He runs out on the street, stands in way, removes at
sebya a gold Swiss watch - and crack about asphalt!
- The Girl, you will not tell, what time is it now? And see that - mine broke...

*****

Maternity hospital. Bentley approaches. The run-out security guard, opens a door. The fancy man with a huge bouquet,
podnimayet the head gets out, looks for someone in windows, and without having found starts shouting - ZAEBALA! Around dead silence. Then
-FOR E OH of LA is louder! The security guard silently, touching for a sleeve - did not zayebat, Dmity Ivanovich. ISABELLA!!!

*****

Russia. 90-e.
-Well, the daughter, what to present to you to majority? - asks novyy
russkiy.
-Present me, the father, gift sertifikat.
- And what it for a hogwash?
-Is such piece with which you go to shop and take everything that hochesh.
-Well, then hold, - the daughter's father twenty-charging pistolet
stechkina stretches.

*****

The Russian, the American and the German got to cannibals. To them saidi:
-we have in the gorge an echo. You will shout in turn. Chyi
slova the echo will long repeat, we will leave that, the others sjedim.
amerikanets cried: "Reagan!". The echo repeated and zamolklo.
nemets cried: "Hitler!". The echo repeated and zamolklo.
russky as zakrichit:
-Men, in shop vodka delivered!
EKHO:
-Where, where, where... where, where, where?
I could not so whole hour will calm down.

*****

The Russian and the American got to talking about mashinakh.
- When I have a good mood, - the American speaks, - ya
predpochitayu to go by the car of light coloring! If ya
chrezmerno it is loaded or there are many problems, I sazhus
za a wheel of the dark car! And if I have a rest abroad, to
vybirayu cars of bright festive flowers!
-Well, at us all is simpler, - tells Russian, - if nastroyeniye
ochen good, can sweep by yellow car s
siney a strip. If you feel not very well, mashina
budet white, and a strip red. And abroad I once tozhe
ezdil. But only on the tank!

*****

The Russian and the American argue at whom in the country of the road luchshe.
amerikanets:
-you Get into "Ford", put a glass of whisky on a roof - katayeshsya
ves day - at all will not spread!
russkiy:
-you Get into "Zaporozhets", you disperse, you lay a brick on pedal
gaza and all road you sleep on a back seat!
-A as you do not break?! It from a track will curtail kuda
-A?

*****

The Russian and the American stand in a toilet at urinals. The Russian, made the business and went to an exit. To it
vsled:
-A we in America after a hand toilet moyut.
- And at us have an American in Russia on hands not of days.

*****

The Russian and the Englishman were invited to a wedding. Their places za
svadebnym a table appeared nearby, and they got to talking about podarkakh
molodoWifem.
-I brought tea service on twelve persons, - is modest said
anglichanin.
- And I, - is proud proclaimed Russian, - a strainer for tea on 88
chelovek.

*****

Russian, the Frenchman and the Jew was put in prison for ten years. Allowed to take with themselves in a chamber, anything, but
tolko in one copy. The Frenchman of course, took the woman, the Jew - phone, and Russian scratched turnip and took a pack of
"Belomora" .
proshlo ten years. Them vypuskayut.
frantsuz leaves with a great number of children. The Jew gets out, calling by telephone - while sat on phone, earned the whole
sostoyaniye. Russian gets out, all grown and scratches repu:
-It, and the spark at you will not be?

*****

The racketeer calls new russkomu:
-Give, tomorrow to the 8th mornings bring dengi.
-Well if I do not oversleep... Be not afraid of
-, you will not oversleep - my children in the 7th mornings will blow up your Mercedes -
razbudyat!

*****

With what go in gosti:
-A. The Englishman - with feeling own Dostoinstva.
-B. The Frenchman - since Zhenoy.
-century. Russian - since Butylkoy.
-@. The Jew - with tortikom.
s than vozvrashchayutsya:
-A. The Englishman - with feeling own Dostoinstva.
-B. The Frenchman - with the wife of Hozyaina.
-century. Russian - with filled Mordoy.
-@. The Jew - with tortikom.
chto thus dumayut:
-A. The Englishman - whether lost he feeling own Dostoinstva.
-B. The Frenchman - it was necessary to take the daughter of Hozyaina.
-century. Russian - I with them still vstrechus.
g. The Jew - to whom still to go with this cake.

*****

The plane with the foreigner flies by over the North Irkutsk oblasti.
inostranets asks:
- And what it to the country?
EMU poyasnyayut:
-Is the experimental city of Ust-Ilimsk. Cleaned meat and oil - a
lyudi live, cleaned milk, egg and fish - live. Cleaned sugar and a flour - zhivut.
inostranets:
- And if to strew with dust?

*****

Newly-baked new Russian after the first holiday abroad on reception at doktora:
- The Doctor, me it was constantly awfully bad after the use of oysters...
-A as they looked when you opened them?
-Otkryvalll?!

*****

The secretary new russkomu:
mikhail Sanych, to you killer.
stranno, I it seems did not cause today.

*****

Sits ashore the man fishes. Approach it abrupt and sprashivayut:
-Hear the man and where here you have a ford?
man otvechayet:
-Yes tamo von.
krutye get into the car, disperse and go there where by it the man specified. Here the car suddenly sinks and from it vylesta
uspevayut abrupt. And at once run to the man, are enough him by the scruff and shout emu:
-You the freak, you told us that tamo the ford? We now Uraj you tut.
-Well blya I will be men, just geese passed.

*****

The new Russian at good restaurant sits, drinks shampanskoye.
za the next little table sits down an intelligent type of people and speaks ofitsiantu:
-me, please, the glass of a Bordeaux of a crop of the 1956th and the Spanish chicken with crackling korochkoy.
prinosit the waiter a bottle, uncorks, that probuyet:
-Horosho!
prinosit chicken. The intellectual thrusts a forefinger into a bum to chicken, sniffs at it, облизывает:
- No, it not the Spanish chicken, this grew up to the west of Lyon, and kormleny perfect wheat,
A I asked ispanskuyu.
ofitsiant, apologizing, the unosit.
shef-cook shocked. Bring from a market new, according to all available information ispanskuyu.
gotovyat, bring intelligentu.
tot again not the Spanish chicken makes the same operation with kuritsey:
-Eto, this chicken is grown up to the south of Naples and a kormlen by perfect millet,
A I ordered the Spanish chicken!
ofitsiant shocked carries away kuritsu.
novy Russian, having seen all this, approaches the intellectual, I throw to it on a table a pack green and with a tear in
speaks:
-Bratan voice, children's home! Punch on a family tree!