Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about fishing

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On the river the fisherman sits in the winter, the cap lies on ice, ears white from a frost nearby. By there passes other fisherman and speaks:
-You chyo were stunned, put on a cap, the head prostudish.
a that otvechayet:
-Aha, now, yesterday vodka was offered, and I did not hear.

*****

On rybalke.
ni at whom does not peck, except one little man. All approached to nemu:
-Why, on what? On chervya.
poprobovali - at anybody not klyuet.
-Be pricked by
- The man, in what a counter? All the same will not believe Da Va's
-, caught a goldfish and thought of three desires, here the first - that pecked, when a rod zabrasyvayu.
- And the second? When a hand I thrust
-into Korman, there always sotka.
proverili, emptied pockets, everything is exact, rabotayet.
- And the third? I will not tell
-Third, it intimnoye.
-All right to break, all men - poymyom.
- The Third to finish always along with zhenoy.
-Well and how, it turns out?
-Turns out while with you stirred, already two times.

*****

On fishing the man - and all not klyuet.
-About my God sits two and a half hours, - the man begged, - send you to me at least one big small fish!
vsplyvayet blue kit:
-Well?

*****

On rybalke.
-That you potter with this worm there? He at you died!
- At all also did not die, and fainted. Now I will make to it an artificial respiration,
privedu in feeling and let again catches fish. There is nothing to feign ignorance!

*****

It is necessary to gather for fishing very carefully. But, as usual, all the same it is obligatory to take something you will forget. Therefore the main thing is to remember priorities. Forgot worms? It does not matter! On the bank of somebody you will dig out. Forgot a rod? Not fatally, cut down a small tree and catch on it in the pleasure. And here you will forget a bottle - fishing kayuk. To make the moonshine still there are nothing.

*****

On fishing went in vain: high pressure, fish not klyuyot. Probably, too the head hurts it...

*****

On rynke:
- At you fish fresh?
-Of course. You see, the fisherman did not sober up yet...

*****

At meeting of shop decide to take how many alcohol on the general departure on the nature, porybachit:
-Proshly took time after liter on a snout, so all tackles lost...
Before it took two liters on a snout, lost the bus...
Well, we take on three: with itself not to take tackle, from the bus not to leave!!!

*****

Nark flocked on fishing. Went, went and remembered that did not dig out hearts. Got into a hempy field, dug a worm further shuruyet. Ha to the coast got a worm on a hook and in water... In 5 sec. the worm gets out on a scaffold: - The brother, in nature, you cho do? They will bite me!!!

*****

Bothered, well, to mobsters to have a rest on any there Maldives-Canary Islands, and they decided to wave in the old manner - on fishing. Bought any tackles, rods, tents, kerosene stoves, sleeping bags. Took harchy for a week, jumped in the Teal, and arrived on the nature. Krrasota. Began to catch fish. Caught, caught, did not catch a horse-radish. And only in the end caught some ruff-zamukhryshku. Go back angry, as devils. One mobster and grit:
-Estimate, Vovan! This, бл$, only "sterlet" cost to us piece of dollars! Do not tell
-I. It is good that we only caught one!...

*****

The addict came from fishing. Wife asks:
-Well, how fishing? Again in your net it was caught nothing?
-Generally got which - that, answers tot.
-But we will not eat the diver?

*****

The fisherman of a worm fastened on a hook, threw a rod and here the biting began at it. Only as the fisherman will not extend a rod - there except a worm there is nobody. It bothered it and he decided to look that there becomes. Thrust a rod, undressed. Dived and sees, a worm prikalyvayetsya:
-Fishes here, here, - free havchik.
ryby naturally gather on a hook, but at this time a worm with shout: "And here figs to you, pull, the owner" starts pulling a scaffold.

*****

Beginning usual: Ukrainian, fishing, goldfish, three desires... Ukrainian: - Mmmmm...
KHOCHU that mongolo-Tatar took Sweden! Small fish:-? Please... Ukrainian: - Teper
khochu that Swedes drove away basurman! Small fish: - All right... The last tvoye
zhelaniye. Ukrainian: - I want that infidels again took Sweden! Small fish:-? You that,
starche?! Same last desire! Ukrainian: - Well so sho... But on Russians tri
raza such will sweep!

*****

- I do not know, as to do, - the fisherman tovarishchu.
- The Third time complains, coming back from fishing, I find under the lover's bed zheny.
-will not go to fishing Any more?
-Well here still! I will simply saw off legs at a bed.

*****

- I will not understand why men so love rybalku.
-Here will bring a gonorrhea, your from fishing, you will understand.

*****

- I do not understand, Vasyl Petrovich as you always manage to catch so much fish. Probably, good know a place?
- The Place wonderful, it is only necessary to order beforehand that did not sell before your return from fishing!

*****

- Why you do not shoot at this hare? You unless do not see
-how it runs?! Perhaps still mad, well it to hell!

*****

A certain businessman opened a stuff little shop. Affairs as do not go. Well pochesal
muzhik also employed turnip the old man Abram's seller. And here the profit drove! Udivilsya
muzhik also thinks: it is advisable to look as Abram it works well? No sooner said than done in the little shop, and there Abram the little man ulamyvayet
-To your rod are surely necessary also a scaffold/hooks/floats...
-Zavorachivay.
-A here is still such cool piece - a spinning. As you will throw meters on 100,
raz pulled - a pike, two pulled - leshch.
- And zavorachivay.
- And most abruptly to catch fish from the boat. Here man, boat rubber hosh?
-Zavorachivay.
-Well bought... To the house as you will take? Here take also a motorcycle with sidecar. Do
khaty you will reach, and there a telka in a cradle and on rybalku.
-Well on hands. The little man paid off and left. The owner approaches Abram,
pozdravlyaet.
-Yes at you talent. It is necessary, the man behind a rod came and went by the motorcycle!
-Well, it behind cotton wool came - at the wife monthly. And I also speak to it "On hrena
tebe then the wife - go one fishing better!"

*****

The few girls draw the same attention, as a small float on fishing.

*****

- No, I very much ask you, give me the simple and clear answer to the following philosophical question: "Fishing does of the person of the liar or only one brekhuna fish?"

*****

- Something was caught? - the passerby at rybaka.
-Yes, is interested - gloomy answers rybak.
-Caught one and threw in reku.
-Probably, small was?
-Yes, growth approximately from you and the same importunate!

*****

The beginner who for the first time went to fishing sees, what his skilled friend throws into water kashu.
-Zachem you it do? - was surprised On.
-you see at me very lazy wife, and I so love the pike stuffed with porridge.

*****

Novosti.
uchastiye in annual round- The-world fishing the ice floe with the Russian fishermen starting from the Gulf of Finland will accept.

*****

New Russian on fishing. Weigh in gold chains, on each finger on a bolt with diamonds, a raincoat gold, a laying - platinum. A rod gold, all in diamonds. Catches. Pecks, pulls out, well of course a goldfish. It, certainly, to it and speaks:
-Listen, the brother, release you menya.
novy the Russian looked at it, thought, threw in water, and further rybachit.
rybka a tail wagged, turns around and speaks:
-Hey, and how three desires?
novy the Russian looked on nee:
-Not well you in general grew insolent... All right, think.

*****

- Well as, men, klyuyot?
-Pecks! We do not manage to get from a bottle backpack!!

*****

Well, men arrived on fishing. Well as usual, started thinking what at first to do: to drink for arrival or networks to put. Decided to drink at first. Well, wake up in the morning, see, round the car it is direct in the field, on bushes of a network hang. asks:
-You where networks set one another?!
-Where-where where you rowed I there and put!...

*****

- Well also bothered me to live in this dirty pond! - the crucian karasyu.
-complains And you grab a hook, - that advised, - and at once will get to sour cream.

*****

- Well as, caught that?
Da here, one поймал.
- Well and how, large?
Da of a kilogram 70 budet.
-Pokazhi!
Da I to the river Vykinul.
-what for?! He too everything asked
Da: caught that? caught that?

*****

- Well, how today water?
-Amazing! Fish does not want to get out of her at all.

*****

- Oh, merciful My God! Help me to hook such big fish that I could tell all life about it, without having told lies words.

*****

Obyavleniye:
"I Will sell the cheapest way fishing tackles i
rybatskuyu clothes. Telefon:54-55-78.
If the phone will be picked up by the man, to tell that were mistaken"

*****

One citizen arrived to the village on rest and went on fish lovlyu.
podoshel to the small lake in the morning and asks vstrechnogo:
-Tell please, in this lake it is possible to catch fish?
-Konechno.
-Means if I catch something, it will not be wrecking?
-Well, it will be miracle...

*****

One very inveterate fisherman, having appeared on a crime scene, seized the criminal, but that escaped and escaped. Giving militias the description of the broken bandit, the fisherman claimed that that was in growth three and a half meters and weighing three hundred kilograms.

*****

One man at the fisherman (i.e. other man) asks:
-Well as? Pecks?
-Yes caught one, in water vybrosil.
-That, small was?
-Well. Same, as you. Too stuck with questions... Pecks, does not peck.

*****

One man asks drugogo:
-You go fishing?
-NET.
-A why? Because I read
-in a horoscope that segodnya
blagopriyatny day for fishes.

*****

One friend invites another on rybalku.
-Yes you that, - that waves away, - I am not able fish lovit.
-Yes at all what here to be able, spill and drink.

*****

One fisherman speaks drugomu:
-I caught a salmon on 72 kilogramma.
-It that! And I caught a bronze candelabrum on 4 candles, a
svechi goreli.
-Listen and if I dump 40 kilograms, you potushish
svechi?

*****

One fisherman imparts experience with another how to get rid of mosquitoes in time rybalki:
-Properly be rubbed with kind wine and then strew yourself with small sand. Mosquitoes will sit down, wines will get drunk and will start throwing stones into each other.

*****

One fisherman drugomu:
- At me such huge broke. I such also did not see!
-Well, perhaps, I will believe the last!