Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about fishing

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One fisherman tells drugomu:
-to me yesterday such dream dreamed! As if I sit in the boat, and nearby beautiful, absolutely naked devushka.
-Well, and further that that?
-A further I threw a rod and caught in - about-from such big fish!

*****

One fisherman tells colleagues how to reach to new mesta:
idete through the wood on the East, cross the road further, pass kanaplyanoye
pole, and here it... the speaking river!!!

*****

One fisherman asks drugogo:
-Speak, you married?
-Yes, zhenilsya.
- And what for?
-You chyo and who will clean fish?

*****

One fisherman asks drugogo:
-How many you caught pikes yesterday?
-Three. And you?
-Menshe.
-Two?
-Menshe.
-One?
-is Even less.

*****

One pike asks at drugoy:
- And you what bull-calves love - in oil or in a tomato?
-B masle.
- Then we float to a motor depot!!!

*****

Once at the Chukchi sprosili:
- The Chukchi, you want to become the Honorary academician of Academy of Sciences of the USSR?" The Chukchi thought and said:
-However, well! On the even - the academician, on odd - to catch fish.

*****

Whether one fisherman sprosili:
- There is at you a dream? To
-Of course, - answered ON.
YA I want to catch such big fish about whom I could tell the grandsons and... thus not vrat.
vypyem, men, for dream of the fisherman!

*****

She woke up in the 5th mornings, passed to the storeroom, broke a rod through a knee, tore all scaffold, cut the boat and boots, having returned to a bed, she gently nestled on the husband's shoulder, it was necessary to live it exactly the 20th mine?!!!

*****

- Why you were late for a lesson?
-Ya gathered for fishing, but the father me not otpustil.
-it is correct, the father, of course, explained to you why it is impossible to pass school?
-Is not present, it told that worms for two will not be enough

*****

- Fall. Early morning. Coast of the river. Having thrown udochk? Something slowly chewing
I, there is a fisherman. Casual ppokhozhiy:
-Well, we stand long ago?
-of Ugu, - lows pybak.
-A that pecks something, how a catch?
- The M-th ….
-He u

*****

Fall, early morning, river bank. Having put out a feeler also something slowly chewing, there is a fisherman. Casual prokhozhiy:
-Well, we stand long ago?
-of Ugu, - lows rybak.
- And what pecks something, how a catch?
- The M-th...
-did not understand... What, cannot distinctly tell? And - and! Have a snack after the first?
splyunuv something in a hand, the fisherman otmakhivayetsya:
-Leave! You do not see - I heat worms!

*****

Went (P) ravoslavny, (E) vry and (M) usulmanin on fishing by the boat. Zateyali
spor-chya the religion is more correct. Here hearts ended. (O) prayed, through bort
pereshagnul and on water to the coast went. Dug out worms, returned. Through what-to
time hearts again ended. (E) too prayed, through a board stepped also over t. of
TUT again should follow worms. (L) prayed, through a board stepped also a stone na
dno. (E) also speaks (P): "Maybe it should have shown those stones, on which on bere
gkhodyat?"

*****

- Waiter! That you brought to me, is not similar to fish soup!
-Yes you do not doubt! I saw how the cook poured water from an aquarium.

*****

It is obvious that the word "vobla" came from the surprised fisherman's the exclamation.

*****

Very rich Armenian came to fishing. Put out a feeler - caught zolotuyu
rybku. That asks it: "Release me, I will execute any desire! "
armyanin thought that it is necessary nothing to it that it has everything, and otpustil
zolotuyu a small fish. Came home - told about it to the wife. The wife saida:
" Why you released her? It was necessary to think that we became Russians!" .
armyanin again went fishing, caught a goldfish, thought that on
i his family became Russians. At the Armenian skin, umenshilsya
nos brightened at once, hair became white. It went home. Looks - instead of armyanskogo
doma - the Russian house costs, kids near the house run. It them and asks:
" Children, where mother?". And children in reply: "Mother with ARMENIANS left!!!"

*****

The father with the little little son went fishing somehow. Sit in the boat. The boy was interested suddenly by everything vokrug.
asks:
- The Father, the father and how this boat swims?
PAPA (having stared at a float):
-Not now, sonny, not now.
CHUT pozzhe:
- The Father, the father and how fish breathes under water?
-Not now sonny, not now...
through a little minut:
-Father, father, and why sky blue?
-Not now sonny, not now...
I nakonets:
- The Father, the father, you do not take offense, what I ask you all these questions?
-Certainly is not present, the son, - the father answers, - will not ask, and will know nothing...

*****

The father with the son sit on fishing. Pecks nothing. The father speaks synu:
- The Sonny, mother to us put tasty cheese sandwiches, give them here. We them sjedim.
-Father, and I them already sjel.
sidyat further. Does not peck. Passes hour two. The father synu:
- The Sonny, mother to us put tasty pies, give them here. We them sjedim.
-Father, and I them too already sjel.
sidyat further. Grows dark. Not klyuet.
papa synu:
- The Sonny, give eat up also worms and we will go home.

*****

Paradox: the small river - knee-deep, and fishes - to x **!

*****

The guy with the girl arrived on fishing. Put out a feeler. In five minutes: - Darling, how much is this red feature?
-A, float, perhaps? 2 rubles. And what? Yes you I will have to
-, it just drowned.

*****

The guy with the girl arrived on rybalku.
zakinuli udochki.
through five minut:
-Darling, how much is this red feature?
-A, float, perhaps? 2 rubles. And what? Yes you I will have to
-, it just drowned.

*****

To take a steam bath the grandfather in a sweating room. Young children approach it. GOVORYAT;
- The Old man, you want to have a smoke, the plan very much horoshiy.
a the grandfather to them: - No, children. I now will take a steam bath well. Beer cold I will drink. Home poydu.
khorosho I will have supper - a borsch with cutlets. Vodka I will drink a sotochka. With the wife I will lie down. And in the morning on a rybalochka. Very much I a rybalochka lyublyu.
-Well, dedul, smoke grasses! Good. And we beer holodnenky ugostim.
-Yes are not present you, children, thanks. I forty will take a steam bath even minutes. I will drink beer cold if treat. And home. At home I will have supper well, a borsch with cutlets. Vodka I will drink. With the wife I will lie down. And in the morning on fishing. I love it delo.
-Well, dedul, do not offend. The boy has a birthday. Smoke with us. Gandzhibas good...
kurnul old man. Took a steam bath. Beer cold drank. At home has supper a borsch with cutlets. Vodka drank. With the wife polezhal.
sidit in the morning, catches fish. Suddenly on big need wanted. Put a rod in a rogatina. Departed to bushes. Took off trousers. Sits, celebrates need. Suddenly behind a hand on a shoulder, oborachivayetsya:
-Dedul, well has a smoke, but why in a sweating room to spoil?

*****

Patsanenok comes back after morning fishing by about ten big fishes on the kukena. Suddenly looks - there is on a berezhka a general in full rigging: a single-breasted coat, trousers with stripes, a peak-cap. With a rod costs, rybachit
vrode kak.
stalo it is interesting to the boy here. It quietly so creeps up meters on six, so that it did not notice. And time - from the general drips midday sweat, he gets each five minutes a scarf, wipes them a face and waves away from flies. Sadly looking at a motionless float the general mutters to himself under nos:
- And after all will not order...

*****

- Pasch, and my father tomorrow for 2 days leaves for fishing, come to mne
s spending the night!
-Wow! Abruptly, and ask the father that he with himself took us.

*****

The first marriage noch.
molodoy: "Well, give? "
molodaya: "No, you - drunk. Give - tomorrow" .
molodoy: "Well as you wish - tomorrow I go to fishing!"

*****

Petka and Vasily Ivanovich study at evening school. Time of summer vacation came and past time quickly. On September 1 at a lesson of literature set the composition on a subject: "How I spent summer vacation?" Petka, Vasily Ivanovich here sit and think of what to write. Petka as more sharp-witted reshil; all summer we drank vodka - I will replace with that books read. And in the evening we went to women - I will replace with that went fishing. The composition at Petka turned out short, but quite clear. "I wake up in the morning early, the head hurts from the read books, and here smotryu; on a table there is an unfinished. I quickly read it and ran to Furmanov. Oh God! Lo and behold - and it has on a table the whole library. We quickly read all these books together with our dear Vasily Ivanovich and went fishing. Furmanov caught a small fish, I also caught a small fish, and Vasily Ivanovich caught such small fish that still the hook repairs...

*****

- Petka, went fishing, - calls Chapayev.
-Vasilivanych, what fishing? Vodka net.
- And what is?
-Anasha.
-Well, - are told by Chapayev and more conveniently settles down in a chair. - Then let's fish here.

*****

- Petya, you why was late in school?
-Ya wanted to go fishing, but the father to me not pozvolil.
-your father correctly made, he to you hope explained to you why you have to go to school, but not catch fish?
-Yes, it told that there are not enoug

*****

Petersburg snipers removed from an ice floe in Lake Ladoga 240 fishermen. Economic effect is enormous!

*****

The toad floats, sees - the crucian laps. That will be turned out by one side, another, will jump out, bubbles will start up, well, thrashes it in polnuyu.
zhaba: - A crucian, you che do here?
karas: - As that, I wait for fishermen!
-You che, ofonaret, bothered to live?
-Yes not, is simple we with a crocodile on hunting - I am a bait, and he in canes zanykatsya.

*****

The fisherman by the boat on the Loch Ness lake floats, a small fish catches. Suddenly directly before it the Enormous head of the Loch Ness monster is shown, and with a razinuty mouth floats it, the fisherman grabs oars and very much rows to the coast when understands that to it not to get away falls on a boat bottom on knees and begins molitsya:
-My God, let's this monster me eat!
NU here a thunder, lightnings, yawn heavens, and from there a voice of Boga:
-You never believed in me...
-So I and never trusted in the Loch Ness monster!

*****

By rules of the real fishing fish does not peck on 10 prichinam:
1) Today too cold,
2) Today too hot,
3) Morons on a motorka scared away all fish,
4) Morons by the next boat overfed fish with a bait,
5) Fish spawns,
6) Fish is poisoned with sewage,
7) Here pecks only on house oparyshy,
8) Yet not that season for fishing,
9) not that season for fishing Any more,
10) With our p a ravitelstvo to peck and cannot!

*****

On A.S.Pushkinu.
... Also the old man threw for the fourth time the seine in more.
i costs, as mudak, without seine.

*****

Swims up to vtoromu:
-Well che, the man, pecks???
-of Tsss... not, does not peck...
podplyvayet to tretyemu:
-Well che, the man, pecks???
-of Tsss! Silently... pecks...
(loudly) - And me ON h@y!!!!!! I SWIM HERE!!!

*****

The catfish to a gudgeon swims up and speaks zadumchivo:
-Listen, a gudgeon... It does not seem to you, what we, big fishes, have to eat the small? It agrees?
-Is over, agrees. Only where we will find them?

*****

The girlfriend tells drugoy:
-Such horror, yesterday for the first time went with the husband on fishing and we with it it is terrible possorilis.
- And what happened?
-Well at first I talked loudly and scared away all fish, then got not that bait, then incorrectly cut. And everything came to an end in general nasty: I caught fish more, than it.

*****

- The defendant, you plead guilty what caught fish without permission and caught eighteen pieces? Yes, I recognize
-. But I have a request, the citizen the judge. You could not give me some copies of the protocol that I could show it to the friends?

*****

The defendant, you plead guilty what caught fish without permission and caught eighteen pieces? Yes, I recognize
-. But I have a request, the citizen the judge. Some copies of the protocol that I could show it svoim
priyatelyam could not vy
dat to me?

*****

The fisherman approaches the lake and asks another rybaka:
-Buddy, well pecks?
-Not that word. I hide for a tree that fishes did not break off me when I get a worm on kryuchok.
vypyem, men, for always to catch with desire!

*****

- Let's go to a rybalochka? Let's buy vodka, we will take devochek.
- And rods? Rod
-? Well, too we will take rods.