Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about fishing

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

354  355  356  357  358  359  360  361  362  363  364  365

Comes home, around smells as ashes, and the small fish up a belly swims in the pool. Vovan a hand on lbu:
-Eh, the Small fish slapped himself! Again the friends showered the house with grenades, and I forgot to buy a bullet-proof vest to you!

*****

The visitor, examining the fishing settlement, asks the fisherman, which hour of
-Exactly 12, - answers rybak.
-Really? I thought - much more bolshe.
-In these parts never happened any more. After 12 all begins snachala:
chas, two, three.

*****

There arrived a refugee on a new place, somewhere beyond the Urals. The winter came, it went for subglacial fishing. Comes to the river, sees one sits at a hole - catches. Glanced in a hole - and there thermo plavayet.
-What is it? - asks the fisherman. And that speaks:
-Is long history, began at the beginning of last century. You see the half-ruined lock on break, and so in it there lived the richest prince and there was at it a beauty the daughter. Came it is time to marry the daughter, the father long looked for, many reconsidered. And she took and fell in love with the shepherd. Became angry then, very much, the prince and locked it on the chedak, and the shepherd expelled. But the love was stronger. The shepherd waited for it on the frozen river and she on wings of love rushed to him, ice failed under them and they drowned. Well here and vse.
-did not understand, - the refugee, - And and here thermo speaks?
-Yes it knows a horse-radish, someone spoiled...

*****

There arrived the cop on fishing, threw a rod - sits zhdet.
tut on the river the piece of shit floats and speaks: "Hi, the colleague" .
ment took offense and speaks: "What I to you colleague" .
dermo in reply: "We with you from one bodies - internal"

*****

There arrived two on the river bank. Began to decide that to do at first - to put a network or to drink vodka. Decided to drink for a start. Next morning wake up and see that the network is put in a clean floor. One drugomu:
-You, the simpleton where put a network?!
-Where, where. Where you rowed, there I also put.

*****

To arrive from fishing without the hooked fish it is not considered a bad form. And here with the drunk not enough vodka is already a shame of all honest company.

*****

The chervyachonok stuck to a chervyachikha supposedly tell and tell, where the father. Chervyachikh could not get out and speaks: "It is occupied strongly, the sonny. It since the morning with men ON FISHING...".

*****

Vasily Ivanovich to Petka comes and speaks:
-Went fishing!
-So what fishing, is not present vodka!
-A that is?
-Hemp, - are answered by Petka
vasily Ivanovich conveniently settles down in kresle.
-So let's fish here!

*****

The man on rybalku.
zakidyvayet a rod comes - hrena.
ryadom the grandfather sits and drags one for odnoy.
muzhik to it, disappeared a pier, sekretom.
-You on what catch?
-On hleb.
-Neeey, on a worm nado.
-What here worms, the HEAT SUCH!
-of Wons, you see a tree, under it and kopay.
nu, the man of times dug and at once here a worm taaaaky here gets. Got it and there is to the grandfather such business to note. Sit, drink, and here the grandfather remembers: "You fished around? "
muzhik runs proverit.
dostayet a rod - the worm hangs there, the Man holds by eyes of two sazanov:
-!!! Where devils carry you?!

*****

The man comes to fishing, sits down near the grandfather. At the grandfather pecks, at him net.
vidit - the grandfather on a worm catches. Next day comes with worms. At the grandfather pecks,
U is not present him. Looks - the grandfather on bread catches, it and asks:
- The Father how you define, on what to catch?
-C will be wiped I will enter the Po River a belt, I will become suprotiv currents. If h@y nalevo
povernet - it is necessary to catch on bread, if to the right - on chervya.
- And if directly is?
-Oh, the sonny, would be directly, I would not spend the day here.

*****

The man comes to fishing with the son and speaks:
-Well, the sonny, get porridge, we will be fish lovit.
-Fathers, and I it sjel.
-Well anything. There we had a bread. Get, myakishev nakatayem.
-Fathers, and I too sjel.
-Well eat up it worms, and went home.

*****

The new supervisor comes to women's prison and in the first evening does obkhod.
-In the first single, for what sit?
rasprostraneniye trippera.
-Faugh, rubbish!
-In the second single, for what you sit?
rasprostraneniye trippera.
-Faugh, rubbish!
-B of the third single, for what you sit?
ZA brakonyerstvo.
-You is also necessary to me!
...
vykhodya from a chamber hour spustya:
- And how you brakonyernichat?
-Yes came into the river to be washed, so from syphilis all fish podokhla.
-Shoooo????

*****

Primakov to Yeltsin comes and speaks:
-Boris Nikolaevich is two news good and bad with what to begin?
-Well, Maksimych, give from the good....
-was on fishing Yesterday and caught a magic Goldfish who grants any desires, want the credit from the IMF, want to Zyuganov impeachment vpendyurit...
-Well, really good news, and bad?
- The Small fish is silent, a bough...

*****

The fisherman home comes and quickly starts something preparing. Then puts a dish to the wife. It speaks:
-seems to me that it not fish, and kuritsa.
-You are right. It also is kuritsa.
-You that, instead of fishing went to shop and bought chicken?
-Is not present, I it poymal.
-As?
-Ordinary, threw a rod and poymal.
-But where threw?
-Through a fence.

*****

The parish priest I Present to the little boy catching rybu:
-that your father if saw you fishing in voskresenye.
malchugan:
a would tell you ask him better. It here nearby, is lower on a current.

*****

Come to fishing the father with the son, start catching, pecks badly and the father speaks synu.
synok, I will lay down I will have a sleep, and you so far lovi.
through half an hour the father wake up and speaks:
- The Sonny, let's drink chayu.
syn molchit.
-Why you are silent?
-is already not present Tea, - the son - I speaks, it vypil.
otets again goes to bed. In 10 minutes it prosypayetsya:
- The Son, give on sandwich sjedim.
-I them already sjel.
-Well, give at least bait from a semolina and dough we will eat, I got hungry!!! I it too sjel.
-Well eat up
-A worms and went home

*****

The man (M) to the river came, to catch a small fish. Unwound a rod, only threw, and here loud such shout - went Nakh@y!!!
(M) fast pulled out a rod from water, perepuganno looked round, again throws... And again, is even louder - went Nakh@y!!!!!
(M) already perepuganno pulled out everything, on the coast ran about - there is nobody. Again, only threw - even more loudly..........?!!!!!!!!! Puzzled, abandoned rods on the coast, suddenly, looks - the boat, and in it the man forks grebet.
(M) krichit:
-HEY floats!!! YOU THOUGH TOOK SPOONS)))?!!!!!
IZ lodki:
-went ON h@y!!!!!!!!!

*****

Making the way through thickets to a favourite place on the river, friends filosofstvuyut:
-That such happiness of the real fisherman?
-It when you will fall down incidentally without rod to the river, and you will come up with fish in rukakh.
- And misfortune?
-It when are come up by one fish.

*****

Walking near the lake, one friend met drugogo:
-You never caught fish... And now nothing poymal.
- And why then you catch
-Ya?
- The Mother-in-law potato called to dig, so I decided to catch better fish, than to kowtow on a mother-in-law's kitchen garden... We will drink
Tak, friends, for fishing! Thanks to it we escape from stresses.

*****

I will sell the cheapest way fishing tackles and fishing clothes. Phone: 545-31.
B a case if the call is taken by the man, it is necessary to tell: Were mistaken number".

*****

- Simply I do not know, as to do, - the fisher tovarishchu.
- The Third time complains I come back from fishing and I find every time under the lover's bed zheny.
-will not go to fishing Any more?
-Well here still! I think simply to saw off legs at

*****

The man on Sunday from an easy bodun wakes up. For a background turns on the TV and wanders about the room, gathering behind beer. Overhears that on the TV there is a speech about some lake where the nemeryanny quantity of fishes is found and recommendations are in all seriousness made, on as in what quantity of these fishes it is possible nalovit.
dalee the phrase follows: "In the presence of vodka results can be much higher..." .
stanovitsya it is more interesting. Listens...
-Aha, is clear - the leader does not utter a letter L...

*****

- Professional fishermen caught a 4-meter shark in Primorye!!!
-Well, if professional fishermen, then length of the caught shark nado
podelit, at least, on four...

*****

The passerby, watching the fisherman, saw how that caught three fishes, from which two, what were more, threw out back to the river, and small put in sadok.
-Strange, - he addressed to the fisherman, - why you big fishes threw out, and small left?
-Because is not present a big frying pan at my place.

*****

The passerby stopped on the river bank and kind half an hour watched how the fellow, without moving, sat with a rod. At last, the passerby did not sustain and sprosil:
-Listen, the fisherman, caught much?
-Here is how I will catch this and one more, there will be two.

*****

Passed fishing competitions. The correspondent asks winners, in what their секрет.
3rd-e place: - I work as the surgeon. Once I tried to catch on a human appendix. Very much it was pleasant to fish. Especially well on an appendix there is a pike, a sazan and a chub...
2nd-e place: - I too work in hospital. I delete tonsils. And I too tried to catch once on tonsils. The result surpassed all expectations. The perch, a crucian, a ruff adore tonsils...
question to the winner: - Well, and you, likely, too work as the doctor?
pobeditel: - Oh, do not make laugh my slippers! I am the rabbi of a local synagogue...

*****

- What, directly any three? - asked starushka.
-Yes, - Dzhin.
starushka answered thought and speaks:
-Well a little, first, I want that instead of this log hut there was the best palace, secondly, I want that I became the young beauty, thirdly, I w

*****

Drunk Chelyabinsk fishermen caught the mermaid at night. Next morning it appeared that it is som, and it became a shame to all...

*****

I work in shop for fishermen. Yesterday the grandmother, cheerful, ulybayetsya:
-Hello, children came. To me it is necessary ground set.
-Sorry, we networks not torguyem.
-Well then prompt as it correctly is called. "The network of a ground catch" is necessary.
-Address to shop where trade in networks - there to you podskazhut.
-Well, rebyatushka, you did not understand... I solve a crossword puzzle!
nemaya scene...
-How many letters?
-4!
-Trawl!

*****

The husband with reki.
-Probably came back home the joyful, at last, the strong was cool? - guessed Wife.
-Simply excellent! Both a pike, and a perch, both the bream, and ruffs simply of rest not davali.
-So show! Whether you See
- The spouse was confused a little - the pike bit off a lead, the perch spat out a worm, the bream broke before the boat, and a ruff here - in a matchbox.

*****

Two talk rybaka:
-I a pike caught yesterday, is direct as my hand! You Lie
-, such hairy pikes do not happen!

*****

Two fishermen talk. To one another zhaluyetsya.
- The Pancake, the wife on fishing does not release. Says that only I get drunk tam.
- And you here that make: in the morning, when on fishing you will want, cast away a blanket and tell the wife "well and ж$ %a at you!". It vygonit.
nu the first and made you. Woke up, cast away a blanket and loudly speaks: "Well and. And!!!. Not, I will not go fishing" better.

*****

Two talk rybaka:
-Know, Petrov bought such small apartment that it is impossible to talk about fishing!

*****

Four talk rybaka:
-I here the other day caught in - about-from such som, - tells the first and shows hands approximately metr.
-It that, - the second answers, - I here last month caught a trout - in (places outstretched arms in the parties). All this
-h@ynya, men, - is told by the third, last year the crucian got to me (outlines in air hands a big circle).
-of Che, - are asked by the fourth, - such round?
-Well, blya, it only an eye at it such!

*****

Conversation of two podrug.
-Never I will go with the husband any more to catch fish! At first I, appear, loudly spoke, then fastened the wrong bait, then too early cut. And everything came to an end absolutely nasty: I caught fish more, than it...

*****

Conversation of two priyateley:
-I with the girl poznakomilsya.
-Where?
-B seti.
-Chatelis?
-Well in seti.
-In sense?
-Yes, on fishing in a network got confused!

*****

Phone conversation:
-Ya to you now I will arrive. Fry rybu.
-But I have no fishes?! You fry
-, I will bring fish.

*****

Early in the morning on the river bank the man catches fish. Passerby interesuyetsya:
-As today water?
-Amazing! Fish does not want to get out of her at all.

*****

Early in the morning on the bank of the small river the man catches fish. Here another approaches muzhik
i starts staring at what catches. Hour stares, the second, third...
blizhe by the evening which caught asks at drugogo:
- And you that all sit, and fish do not catch?
-A at me is not enough patience.