Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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- You are right, the sergeant, - the commander of a company told. - This lean private does not suit for a hard work. Use it for cleaning oruzhiya.
-Well, - the sergeant answers. - And whom to appoint for
protaskivaniya it through a trunk?

*****

- What will you tell about the forthcoming campaign, the general?
-are Seen by god, it proigrana.
-Why it will begin?
-to find out, whom exactly.

*****

You serve in Israel Defense Forces, If:
1. You call the commander on imeni.
2. You know that three most powerful persons in army are a doctor,
psikhiatr and ravvin.
3. You forgot that journey in public transport costs deneg.
4. You are sure that if you would return back to time of the appeal, b
otkosili from army.
5. Though before a demobilization you have thoughts like "and not so here i
plokho" and desire to sign the contract on some mesyatsev.
6. But you consider all officers p by % @ arasam, and having torn - otbrosami
obshchestva.
7. P @ you also consider % as arasa and a scum of society military politsiyu.
8. To order pizza on base - quite normal praktika.
9. And in neighboring pizzerias there are special prices for soldat.
10. You serve far from the house, if to your base more than hundred kilometrov.
11. White Renaults Meagen or Kanga cause in you associations with armiyey.
12. On lifts it is possible to reach in any end strany.
13. Though if white Daihatsu Applause stops, it is better ne
saditsya.
14. You made the plan of revenge to the commander per day dembelya.
15. But this day at you the joyful and pacified mood, and ne
khochetsya to do to anybody anything bad.

*****

- You already the third time this month ask discharge-za
neozhidannoy of an illness dedushki.
-So precisely, I already and itself thought, whether the grandfather feigns.

*****

Excerpts from the new charter front sluzhby:
"When following in a system to maintain a distance with ahead
81 of cm going exactly 80 cm should consider as dezertirstvo.
79 cm - as tendency to homosexuality."

*****

Having summoned two soldiers noticed in fight, the officer asks ikh:
-you know who is called "uniovular twins"? Now I will explain
-NET.
-. Concept about twins you, two brothers acrobats, probably, imeete.
a "uniovular" you will become after conversation with the commander of part!

*****

The commander of a regiment of the commander roty.
-causes such business Here. At the private Ivanov the father died. You somehow would tell him about etom.
prikhodit company in kazarmu.
-Roth more delicately, to be under construction! Everything who has fathers - two steps forward forward march! Ivanov, and you where pryosh!!!

*****

The commander of part of the lieutenant causes and speaks:
-Want to receive the senior lieutenant?
-Is so exact, companion colonel!
-Here to you its documents. Go to the city and take away it from a sobering-up station!

*****

The ensign summons the soldier and asks:
-That it, Konoplev, you have so narcotic surname? Yes I and itself do not know
-, Hashish Marikhuanovich.

*****

All were exhausted, shipped firewood, go home, reached to the bridge through peky.
C: Introduction No. 4 - the Bridge is blown up!
O: Here bridge-TO.
S: The bridge is blown up! We will look for the ford.

*****

The statement of the old sergeant for young boytsa:
"Purity is not lack of dirt. Purity is a uniform distribution of dirt on a surface"

*****

Exhibition of military equipment in ….
K suit the American stand the interested - there is a miracle a suit, all with frills, in pockets, and - their guide explains with three buttons on a breast supposedly here a suit for the fighter of the American army, marching option, here such pockets, here syaky, besides three buttons - the 1st on a case if to the soldier will become hot, he will press it and at once the cooling system will turn on, will become cold to the soldier, he will press the second button - the heating system and if wound the soldier will join, then he will press the third button, and the whole two weeks the life support system will support him until it will find and give help.
podkhodyat to the Russian stand - also you see such suit with pockets in frills too, behind on a back the door is attached, and ahead three buttons. Our guide explains - here a suit for the Russian soldier marching option, here such pockets, here syaky, besides three buttons - the 1st on a case if to the soldier will become hot, he will press the first button, the door on a back will open, his draft and will blow, to the soldier will become cold, he will press the second button, the door on a back will slam and if kill the soldier so a door even the whole month will shoot back.

*****

There is the officer room a captain and Companion Suvorov Military School student calls the first comer on eyes suvorovtsa.
-, put out the tongue yours! Perfectly, hold, here brands, here envelopes. You have half an hour.

*****

There is an ensign on plats:
-Roth, become! Build
osmotrel, ukhmylnulsya:
-Zaye@s!
... To
Set aside "Za@s"!

*****

Left on kryltso.
s: Introduction No. 2 - the Cart is broken!
O: Sonny, well here cart, you che!
C: The cart is broken, we will go on sledge.

*****

The group of recruits arrived to a shooting range. The commander ppikazal
ustanovit targets at distance of one kilometer. Anybody iz
novobpantsev, carrying out exercise, not a reserve even edges misheni.
komandip disposed to reduce distance to vosmisot
metpov. Again all amicably missed the mark. The commander continued sokpashchat
passtoyaniye till that time until it became no more than 30 meters. Soldaty
ppodolzhali to smear. The commander lost teppeniye.
-to Adjoin bayonets! - it gave team - Forward on a target! It vash
posledny chance!!!

*****

The fortuneteller - kliyentu.
-I see at you bright future... High position... You quickly clamber on a ladder... I see you in a brilliant form... It I everything know
KLIYENT:
-. I firefighter

*****

The Guards shooting division for doctrines urgently needs the skilled machine gunner. It is desirable with the machine gun.

*****

- Where your rifle, Sidorov?
-Ya did not take ee.
-did not take a rifle? Anything to itself vykidon! How is called soldat
bez rifles?
-Officer.

*****

- Where our third company? According to the plan they should already return from investigation!
- They reported that are already tightened, companion general! This
-is good! Eagles! Report to them that did not hurry and when are tightened, can pootzh

*****

–Where You lost a hand? at the front?
-Well. when in a military registration And enlistment office dragged.

*****

Somewhere near Afghanistan. Vpredi goes the woman, she at decent distance is followed by the man and drags on himself an enormous bag with house utvaryyu.
dogonyaet their group of the armed people and having seen this picture, obaledvayut.
- The Woman, that that absolutely ох#$ла? In the Koran it is told that the woman has to go to a trace for the husband and bear all burdens of family life. And you? Having wiped
muzhik pot:
-Eeeeee when Allah wrote the Koran of minefields was not. Idi Zulfia.

*****

The general in razvalochku goes on the bridge, looks a lazy look around and it was necessary, the soldier caught sight to it. The soldier as usual in absence without leave also wants to slip by, pretending, what does not notice genepala.
genepal:
-Soldiers, your mother, it that such?! Why did not salute?!
SOLDAT:
-According to the 147th point of the Charter on the bridge is not saluted!
genepal became puzzled, flaunted and at once home, came, looked through the charter, found the necessary point, reads and goes nuts: "Item 147. The soldier has to be resourceful and dared."

*****

The general from army inspection arrived for check to part. He passes by a system, stops before one very young soldier, friendly taps of him on the shoulder and speaks:
-Well, how are you, as is served, the sonny? The soldier the shining eyes looks at the general and vosklitsayet:
-is excellent, the father, you at last appeared! Mother looks for you so many years!

*****

The general sees the sentry on a post with opened over the head zontom.
-For all the long service never saw the soldier who would be afraid dozhdya.
- And I and I am not afraid, I have an umbrella.

*****

General:
- The Rifle for the soldier the best friend, isn't it? Ryadovoy:
-I do not know, my general! Last Friday when I cleaned it, it shot to me at a foot!

*****

The general called the chief of a staff and ordered it podyskat
umnogo and executive ofitsera.
-it is good, the sir. I have a suitable candidacy on primete.
chto still? Then find
- The reason for release you from zanimayemoy
dolzhnosti.

*****

The general acts before zhurnalistami:
- And yesterday we carried out test of the nuclear device with power from 20 to 150 kilotonn.
zhurnalisty:
-Something unclear. What after all was power?
general:
-Yes we and plainly not ponyali.
zaryadili, it seems, on 20, and it as shibanut - on everything 150!

*****

The general with the striker on a beach - sits, has a rest. Suddenly zamechayet
vdali the figure with long hair - is sent denshchika:
-by Ivan, descend, ask them, whether they are free in the evening, kakoye
vino love, well and about everything prochego.
ivan goes, talks to a figure, vozvrashchayetsya:
-your nobleness, so in the evening they are free, wine lupyat
vsyakoye, and here about all other - cannot - with, they are a pop - with...

*****

The general comes into barracks and speaks:
-Can congratulate me: my wife gave rise troynyu.
ryadovye horom:
-Rada yesterday to try companion general!

*****

The general inspector arrived to military unit. Decided to spend the night in barracks. Wanted in a toilet at night. Sits on a toilet bowl, and here "grandfather" opens a window and You climb in samovolku.
general asks:
-where it?
"Grandfather" groped in the dark bald golovu:
-Be silent, the greenhorn, and a toothbrush you will scrub a point, that to my demobilization!

*****

- The general, fell on my head a box!
-A that in it?
-of Anything!
-A in a box?

*****

The general found out that one of soldiers behaves extremely strange: randomly goes across all territory and, having found any slice of a piece of paper, lifts it, grustnet, speaks: "It not that..." also puts a piece of paper back. There passed some time and the general decided to take away it to the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist examined the soldier and came to a conclusion that that is mentally unhealthy and wrote the conclusion that it was exempted from service in army. The soldier took the conclusion, looked, smiled and said:
"This - THAT!"

*****

The general Ozhero somehow entered to the general who is again appointed komanduyushchemu
yuzhnoy by army Bonaparte and saw how that jumps to get
pytayas with highly hammered nailing the shlyapu.
-Allow to help, the sir, - said Ozhero.
-I nevertheless above you on golovu.
-you not higher, - right there responded Bonaparte, - You are longer! But ya
mogu to deprive of you and this advantage.

*****

The general after check in one of military units wakes up in gostinitse.
golova breaks up! Already 12. 30. He calls the porter and shouts in trubku:
-Vydolzhna were me precisely at six o'clock in the morning to wake! Now I was late for the plane!
-is a pity to me! politely the porter answers, - we wanted to wake you precisely at six o'clock as you also asked, but you only in 8 returned to hotel!

*****

The general after ucheniy:
zh Well that it for army! Planes do not fly, tanks do not go... And who will protect the Homeland? I perhaps? Yes on a her it is necessary to me!.

*****

The general comes with check to part. All military constructed. The general zdorovayetsya:
-it is healthy, sonnies!
-of Gav, gav, gav, gav!
-How are you doing?
-of Gav, gav, gav, gav!
-A if is honest?
-U-u-u-u-u...

*****

The general came to the doctor on medosmotr.
doktor at first asked usual questions of age, growth, weight, and then asks:
- And when you the last time had sex?
-B 1954.
-does not seem to you, what it too long ago? So I do not consider
-Ya. According to your hours now 21:15...

*****

The general goes to a razvalochka on the bridge, looks a lazy look around and it was necessary, the soldier caught sight to it. The soldier as usual in absence without leave also wants to slip by, pretending, what does not notice generala.
general:
-Soldiers, your mother, it that such?! Why did not salute?!
SOLDAT:
-According to the 147th point of the charter on the bridge is not saluted!
general became puzzled, flaunted and at once home, came, looked through the charter, found the necessary point, reads and ofigivayet:
"Item 147. The soldier has to be resourceful and dared."