Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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Two pretty girls decided to bathe in the small river. Having made sure that round anybody is not present, they took off from themselves all clothes, laid it in osier-bed bushes that grew along the coast, and ran in water. Having much had a good swim, they left water, gamboled and, having found the secluded town, began to sunbathe. Suddenly almost absolutely loud kom@nda:
- The First office, masking Concha - and - ah nearby was distributed! And small bushes of an osier-bed walked in a foot from the coast...

*****

Two old women got lost in the wood, gathering mushrooms. Strayed - strayed, became exhausted. Suddenly on a clearing - the ensign. They to nemu:
- The Soldier, we correctly go on station?
-Well where is correct where it is correct - knees are loose, the foot is put indistinctly...

*****

The army column of trucks moves on the city... From the first car with the megaphone it is audible golos:
- The Tram number 331! To accept to the right - to pass a column!

*****

Motto of fighters of air defense: "We do not fly and we do not give another".

*****

Motto air defense: "We do not fly and we will not give another!"

*****

Motto of tankmen: "The armor is strong and our tanks are fast! "
deviz of pilots: "Everything is higher, both above, and above... "
deviz of soldiers of air defense: "We do not fly and we do not give another!"

*****

The girl goes by a shooting range... The pistol shot is suddenly distributed. From surprise the girl starts back back and gets to embraces of the soldier from otsepleniya.
-Sorry, please, I was so frightened, - confusedly justifies devushka.
-Anything, anything, - calms her soldat.
-I think here, maybe, to us on artillery firing practice to descend.

*****

The girl received the letter from the friend who served where-to
vozle the Falkland Islands. In an envelope instead of the letter ona
obnaruzhila short zapisku:
"your friend still loves you, but it too much boltayet.
tsenzor".

*****

The girl asks moryaka:
-Tell, and the sea beautiful?
-Sorry, never saw. I am a submariner.

*****

The girl costs at military registration and enlistment office gate with tears on glazakh.
-That, the groom in army took away? - asks chasovoy.
-Yes. All five at once.

*****

- The grandfather, and tell how you during war shot down two planes!
-Nu-u-u... Not absolutely brought down. So to say: did not refuel!

*****

- The grandfather, and tell as you in the war in one day sbil.
-Well not that brought down four planes. So to say: "Nedozapravil"

*****

- The grandfather, tell how you in war partizanil.
-Well, here I remember: I sit somehow in bushes near the railroad... You wait for
-of the Enemy train?!
-Well... Does not disturb one another...

*****

The person on duty on park - dnevalnomu:
-what car left? To
-Green, - answers dnevalnyy.
-I know, what green what number, I ask?
-A number white...

*****

The person on duty on a regiment reports komandiru:
-Companion colonel, in my opinion, it you to telefonu.
-In your opinion or precisely? I Find it difficult to answer
-, but in a tube asked: "It you, old horse-radish?"

*****

The person on duty on a company to the man on duty churke:
- The General did not come?
-NET.
-If will come urgently report me .
i so several times. The general comes into a company. Dnevalnyy:
-You that - the general?
-Well ya.
-You where the schnook go? The sergeant looks for you two hours!

*****

Cops on the site are on duty and suddenly see - on a tree of people was hung up. Think, nafig to us these problems, and moved it on a tree in other area. There are two cops, too are on duty. drugomu:
-Watch one, again it hangs here!

*****

- How are you doing?
-Yes here, was yesterday in voyenkomate
-Well and …? Everything is normal
-. Told that remember, love and wait.

*****

- What do you do here, Michel? I Observe
-, from where Russians to come budut.
- And why to you it is the nobility?
-to warn the, in what party to run.

*****

– What to do if the parachute is not developed? very quickly wave
-hands.
through some time knock in illyuminator:(
)- And What farther to do?

*****

The action takes place in a military camp. To the general the captain's wife comes. "Companion general, I found in a pocket at the husband a brassiere. How to be?" General: "Give me, I will understand" .
vecherom the general comes back home, the brassiere forgotten in a pocket is found by the wife: "Darling, you are such joker, and I all think where I left it?."

*****

The demobilization in army is considered the most authoritative soldier - a lot of things are able, but does nothing.

*****

Rural log hut on the edge of the village. At night knock at a door. The grandma approaches to the door, opens. There is soldatik.
-a Grandma, let to spend the night the soldier?
-I Know you. At first let to spend the night, then let's eat, then give trakhatsya.
-Yes that you, the grandma. Persuaded the old. Laid down in a corner on a bench and let's creak yes to turn. The grandma asks:
-That to you is itching to? Yes I want to eat
-. The grandma got up, feels that will not allow to sleep all the same. Gave on a table. The soldier ate, sits, picks in zubakh:
-So you there, old, about to fuck spoke?

*****

The paratrooper komandiru:
-That will be if I do not develop a parachute?
-You will land the first.

*****

The paratrooper can gather speed to 280 kmchas if he does not develop a parachute. Only the sapper can gather a high speed.

*****

The professional paratrooper is capable to stop the tank by means of a small engineer shovel. And in the presence of the big - and to dig it.

*****

Paratroopers recruits rise by plane in the sky, that in the first raz
prygnut with a parachute. Starley-instruktor addresses to nim:
-So, companions soldiers, after so many days of the theory and exercises na
zemle time came to make the first jump. We are on vysote
10000 meters. To prepare for a jump!
TUT from depth of the plane reaches golos:
-But after all same is too high?
starley for a moment reflects and speaks:
-Yes, is valid, 10000 meters it are too high for pervogo
pryzhka. The pilot, reduce height to 7000 m of
pilot executes the order, and starly again addresses to soldatam:
-More safely, more safely! We at the height of 7000 m to prepare for a jump!
TOT golos:
-So after all all the same too vysoko.
eshche having a little thought, starly speaks:
-you are right, height still too big. The pilot, decrease to 5000 m of
Kak only the plane is at the height of 5000 m, starly komanduyet:
- And now any excuses! We in 5000 meters from the earth to prepare k
pryzhku!
Ho the same voice nastaivayet:
- And all the same it too vysoko.
starley already starts flying into a rage, however after an exchange of views s
serzhantom ustupayet:
-it is good, the pilot, decrease to 2500 meters, but further not to decrease!
Kak only of an arrow of the altitude indicator stop on 2500 meters, starley
snova komanduyet:
-We at the height of 2500 meters. We put on parachutes and we jump! It is the order!
TOT golos:
-Ah, so it with a parachute …

*****

Paratroopers-parachutists prepare in the plane for jumps. Suddenly one of them declares instruktoru:
-I will not jump!
-It still why? Mother the letter sent
-to me as if the dream dreamed it that at me the parachute was not developed. I will not be prygat.
-Well, let's exchange parachutes!
pomenyalis. The paratrooper jumped. The parachute was normally developed, quietly falls. Suddenly nearby rushes with svistom:
-... your mother!.

*****

Paratroopers reservists jump on perepodgotovke.
instruktor:
-Jump. Pull a ring. The dome reveals. Land. In the bottom of you waits for the bus. Sit down and go on domam.
prygnul one. Pulled a ring. The parachute was not developed. Flies and dumayet:
-So, with a parachute inflated. Now we will look, as about the bus.

*****

Landing troops. The ensign - soldatam:
-you still greenhorns, and jump true professionals! That, for example, goes the long... ooocheen the long... Almost to the earth the long... Well, the hell with him, now others will go!

*****

Jack was pilot expert. So cool that when the Japanese-American military conflict began, it at once directed to fight without preparation on base. Having arrived to an aircraft carrier, Jack right there went to fight and at once destroyed 6 Japanese planes. It rose above, on height of 7 kilometers and 10 more Japanese planes stopped the existence. And here Jack noticed that fuel remained very little. It dived down and ideally landed on the deck of an aircraft carrier. Having jumped out of the plane, it gave salute kapitanu:
-Well and how you estimate my first fighting departure?
Ha that the captain otvetil:
-Fall holoso, but you made one vasny an osibka...

*****

- John, is the truth, what you were wounded?
-Yes, a bullet got to me in grud.
-As it did not hit heart?
-It at me at that time went to heels.

*****

The man on duty on a company sits on a bedside table and reads interesting detektiv.
v an arrangement of a company the commander of a regiment comes and does not hear any komandy.
dnevalny, carried away by reading, it does not notice. The commander approaches him and asks:
-you the man on duty?
-Ya, - that speaks and continues chitat.
-Well settled!
-A you who? - asks, without coming off the book, dnevalnyy.
- The Commander of a regiment!
-Too well was arranged!

*****

Diary of the guerrilla of Vasi.
8 of March - At war not a woman's face. Death to fascist invaders!!!
16 of March - Prepared for May 9th. Rehearsed parade of the Victory. Two hours went with banners and threw them under windows of commandant's office. Banners were hired at Germans. The commander left the passport as a deposit. One banner was torn. The commander will not pay off! Death to the German invaders!

*****

To army I slept well because knew that me protect! In army I slept badly because itself protected!! After army I do not sleep at all because I know as protect!!!!

*****

To an appeal slept well - army us okhranyaet.
prizvalsya, slept a little - okhranyal.
otsluzhil - at all I do not sleep. I know who protects us...

*****

Rain. Dirt. The general goes in armiyu.
po to the road sees the got stuck truck of the chasti.
nu all right well - it is necessary to help. Got out with shoferom
stali to push. Izvozitsya in dirt, but the truck vytolknuli.
general, wiping sweat and shaking hands with the truck driver, speaks:
-Heavy odnako.
-Yes, that answers. - At me there the company of demobilizations home goes.

*****

- The doctor that to do to me: I sleep with foreign wives, and husbands to me for it beat a muzzle?
- Go to army. There you a little ostepenites.
Through 2 goda.
- Thanks the doctor. You gave remarkable advice!
-you do not sleep with foreign

*****

The doctor (examining the patient):
-is strange, strange... For the first time I see such low arrangement pupka.
-A- And, it I just came from army. The standard-bearer was there.