Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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- Whether the chief of engineering service what transheya
obvalilas knows?
-You see the sir, we just dig out it, what to report emu
ob it.

*****

- You know than in free time the military dog differs from the civil?
-Civil lies on the sun and licks to itself eggs while voyennyy
-paints to himself the box!

*****

- Yes, I know that eighteen... In twenty I will be! Who called
-?
-Yes mother. Asked when I from army return.

*****

- And last certification question, inspector. The violator of the movement offers you 200 dollars. Your actions? I Take
-, mister colonel, and 100 dollars I bring to you! Police you are accepted by
-B! But it is necessary to fix thoroughly the theor

*****

- Ivanov, you are a fool!
-But captain...
-Is the order!

*****

- Ivanov!
-Ya!
-Is necessary, what surname, rare at you!
-Is so exact, the sir!

*****

- Ivanov...
-Ya!
-Petrov...
-Ya!
-Sidorov...
-Ya!
-throughyaabornoguzaderishchensky...
-Ya!
-x. to itself surname!
-Ya!
-You went nuts...
-Ya!

*****

- Ivanov!
-Ya!
-Petrov!
-Ya!
-Three thousand thirtieth!
obizhenno: "my surname of Zozo, companion ensign."

*****

There is a Great Patriotic War. Summer 1943. One eskadrilya
istrebiteley began to sustain big losses. Komesk and the party organizer in horror,
letat nobody. Went to the next zone, took strong children,
obuchili. Now convicts fly, losses are not present, one pobedy.
nachalstvu it became interesting, in what a secret. Caught the hit Fritz,
priveli on interrogation. Komesk also speaks, explain a pier why takaya
situation, I will present life. The German and speaks:
-Yes we sat down on your radio wave. Earlier everything was clear. The third,
trety, cover me, I attack. We at first forced down the third, and potom
vedushchego. And I was brought down today, so in general devilry on air byla.
slyshu in naushnikakh:
-"A jack, a jack, cover us with the Ace, we this goat pid*rasit
budem."

*****

There is a war of Russians with fritsami.
znachit, there is a red commander, shouts "Forward, for the Homeland", well everything means break in attack, understand. Fritsa from that party fronta:
-Well all a pancake an ass, it is necessary to tick...
A old highly experienced Fritz and speaks:
-Yes are waited a moment by you to tick! - gets a machine gun - tra - that is that is ta.
russkiye laid down. Passes minutes five, our commander again vstayet:
-For Stalin! Uraaaaaa!
NU everything means again in ataku.
nemtsy:
-Well now precisely an ass, to tick nado.
stary Fritz again for the. Takes the machine gun and again tra - that is that is ta.
nu ours again legli.
prokhodit still time. Rises komandir:
-For Lenin, forward!
NASHI again in attack. Well the youth German again means in a panic. Old Fritz again for the. It was necessary to ours again lech.
through 5 minutes there is our red commander. A muzzle in shit, all in shit, and speaks:
-B%ya and you cho, o%uyet?!
FRITS staryy:
-In is time to tick now.

*****

There is a general, sees a big a lot of garbage, calls up the soldier and speaks:
g: - "Why the garbage is not cleaned? Dig out a hole and dig it! "
C: - "And where to put the earth? "
G: - "You that, moron!? It is necessary to dig out such hole, what both garbage and the earth got!"

*****

There is a general and sees how the soldier red cream polishes boots.
-Why red cream you clean boots?
-you it not e %% t, companion general!
-as you talk!?, answer as it is necessary!
-companion general, black cream ended, not anywhere, found only the red...
- And me it not e %% t! I and told at once
-to you!

*****

There is a general. Towards three soldata.
general:
-Stop!
soldaty is amicable ostanavlivayutsya.
general:
-Good fellows! How surnames?
-Ivanov, Petrov, Sidorov!
-That, brothers?
-is not present In any way, companion general, namesakes.

*****

There is a general on a parade-ground, towards to it three soldiers. It them ostanavlivayet:
-Hello, soldaty.
-Health is desirable, companion general! - answer oni.
-your surnames?
-Ivanov, Petrov, Sidorov.
-Brothers?
-is not present In any way, namesakes!

*****

There is zanyatiye.
-a Cadet Sidorov of what the lock is made?
-From blued steel, companion ensign!
-is correct. And of what it is made baizes?
-From blued steel, companion ensign!
-is wrong. Badly study the textbook. There it is clearly written: "From the same matheral".

*****

There is a class in the public and state preparation. The officer - soldatam:
- At direct contact with the opponent you have to look bravely in the face to the enemy. Ivanov - that you stared at me?

*****

There is a command and staff doctrine. Two generals were inclined over kartoy.
-Estimated number of tanks of the opponent we will take for "h".
-Is not present, for "x" it is not enough. Better for "at".

*****

There is number in circus. Clowns act. The first asks:
-Where at women hair grow?
-On the head.
-Well, EVERYTHING know it! And where still?
-Armpits grow.
-E! And all know it! So where?
vtoroy reflects. There is a militiaman from zriteley:
-Companions, do not worry! If he tells that hair grow in pi ** e, I will arrest him!

*****

There is a fall draft to Army. The Wolf received the agenda. Goes to a military registration and enlistment office, gloomy such. And the Hare meets requirements of him, happy, cheerful. His wolf and asks:
- The Hare, you from where go?
-From a military registration and enlistment office!
-A where direct you?
-B stroybat.
-Wow! And how it you managed?
-Yes here so. I come into the room, there the commission sits. Show me on the car and ask: know, what is it? And I speak:" I do not know!". On the machine gun show and again ask: what is it? And I again speak:" I do not know!". On the tank show and again ask: how it is called? And I again speak:" I do not know!". On a case show: what is it? And I for the:" I do not know!". Open, and there the brick lies. That it - is asked. - I tell "brick". Well, all! In a construction battalion poydete.
volk was delighted that it is possible to get so easily to a construction battalion and ran in a military registration and enlistment office. Resorts, parted forcibly all, broke on the commission. Showed it on the car and sprosili:
-Know, what is it?
-Is not present, I do not know!
pokazali on the machine gun and sprosili:
- And it that such? I do not know
-! On tank:
-What is it?
-I do not know
pokazali!
pokazali on shkaf:
-What is it?
-Is a case, and there the brick lies!
otkryli a case - precisely lies kirpich.
-Well! The good fellow, time guessed! In its counterintelligence!...

*****

There is a selection to group of astronauts. Among applicants people of the most different nationality. After check of health there were a Russian, the Ukrainian and azerbaydzhanets.
komandir group before the last check made objyavleniye:
-to us are necessary not only healthy, but also highly intellectual people. Check on intellekt.
pervym will be the last check for you there is a Russian. To it set question :
-How many will be 2х3?
-6!
-Is congratulated, you are admitted to group of astronauts!
sleduyushchy ukrainets:
-How many will be 7х5?
-35!
-Is congratulated, you are admitted to group of astronauts!
nastal a turn azebaydzhantsa:
-How many will be 27х97?
azerbaydzhanets blinked eyes and speaks:
-If places are not present then speak, e!

*****

There is an officer by soldier's barracks. Mood excellent, joyful such... Suddenly someone from a window of the 3rd floor of barracks pours out a bucket of slops... Well, the officer - the person reserved but as it vyswearing! He tries to shake off, then raises the head and looks out of that window, from where it so "greeted", and there, naturally, already anybody is not present...
-Well, even is not enough courage to seem?. - speaks ofitser.
-Well is not present, why... - someone answers... Someone's head in a gas mask leans out of a window...

*****

There is a guerrilla on the wood. The Cuckoo cuckoo hears kukushku.
-, how many I needed to live?
sverkhu falls the grenade. A voice with dereva:
- The Ainu... Tsvay... Scrub...

*****

There is World War I. On the hill with the suite there is a tsar Nicholas II and watches maneuvers of the troops. Suddenly near the tsar the shell and shipit.
vse opeshili.
podbegayet the soldier falls, the shell is enough, throws aside - there is an explosion!
Bce got. After a while rise, all zhivy.
tsar shook off the earth, looked at the soldier and speaks:
- At Idi here. How call?
-Private Ivanov!
-Here that the private, you to me saved life. I will thank you. Tell the desire!
TSAR I or not the tsar?
soldat thought, thought and speaks:
-I Want to marry the daughter Sherementyev's column! About kak.
-Hm. All right. The column to me!
podkhodit of columns, and the tsar to it speaks:
-Graf, here the colonel Ivanov wishes to marry your daughter? You will tell
ChTO?
-Pardon, your Majesty, some colonel? They at me under the house stacks lezhat.
ne it is serious!
-is fine, the colonel general Ivanov, offers your daughter a hand and serdtse.
chto you on it will tell?
-is not serious! Some general-...
-is good, the field marshal Ivanov wishes to take in wives Vashu doch.
chto you on it will tell, Graf?
soldat approached the tsar, Kolya put to it a hand on a shoulder and speaks:
- And send you it on figs, what we to ourselves with such ranks of women will not find?

*****

There is by a beer stall a major and suddenly sees in turn of the soldata.
ostanavlivayetsya before it and the Private speaks grozno:
-! Two steps forward from line for beer! It is not a shame to you? You are the soldier of regular army! You that - have no machine gun, that in a queue not to stand?

*****

There is a frontier guard with a dog along border. Suddenly rustle from the next bushes....
- The Ball well run look!!!
-of Idi you!! I and from here can pogavkat...

*****

There is a colonel across the territory of military unit, sees - the private's ensign vospityvayet:
lech!!! to rise!!! to lay down!!! to rise!!! The colonel to the ensign also tells
podkhodit: well it for approach to military service the brutal. It is possible more softly. Order, for example, to the private to bring to you from the dining room to tea. And when will bring ask why cold and send back. Will bring hot, ask why not sweet, then why in a glass, but not in a circle, etc. Here look - and stops running by voina.
- The Private! To bring to me from the dining room to tea!
-A to you cold or hot?
-Goryachiy.
-A to you sweet or not?
-Well, sladkiy.
- And to you in a circle, or in a glass?
-A well to lay down!!! to rise!!! to lay down!!! to rise!!!

*****

There is a prapor on the spring city, looks at maids and shepchet:
"to Set aside, the companion h*y!"

*****

There is an ensign through a check point. It is lucky a wheelbarrow with garbage. The person on duty asks:
-That stole it? Yes anything I did not steal
-, there is a garbage vybrasyvat.
-cannot such be! Admit, what stole? Yes garbage I take out
-! Give
-, show musor
prapor throws out before it a lot of garbage. The person on duty looked, looked - and the truth musor.
prapor pushed everything back, carried a wheelbarrow dalshe:
"That stole that stole... Stole a wheelbarrow!"

*****

There is an ensign on the desert. To it goes on a meeting osyol.
vstretilis. The donkey asks at prapora:
-You who?
praporshchik looking back, silent golosom:
-I am an officer, and you who?
OSYOL looking back, silent golosom:
- Then I am a horse!

*****

There is an ensign by tank part - sees that the fighter with a hammer on a finger costs duyet.
-What is the matter?
-Yes here the nail hammered, on a finger popal.
-Who - so beats?! Look as it is necessary!
beret a nail and his forehead on the hat in a wall vgonyaet.
boyets goes nuts from such and asks:
-T. the ensign, and in a concrete wall can?
-Yes without questions!
beret a nail and again on a hat in a wall a forehead zagonyaet.
boyets goes nuts even more, but not otstayet:
-T. the ensign, and in armor can?
-Yes without problems!
beret a nail and in the tank a forehead on gvozdyu thrashes. The nail bends but does not climb. Here already the prapor goes nuts, takes the second nail, again beats, and again the nail bends. Here the prapor does not maintain, climbs in the tank, and there - other prapor sleeps and the head against armor leaned.

*****

There is an ensign down the street. His passerby asks:
-Where you go? Military tayna
- And what you bear
-?
-Cartridges on a warehouse!

*****

There is a check of fighting capacity of part. Generals came in large numbers. The kitchen, a parade-ground, toilets were examined and sat down to be had a rest under a shadow of trees. Suddenly the commander of part sees how on the avenue there is a fighter who is just called under the gun. Goes, the parasite, just like that, admires weather. Matter of course that the unemployed soldier during check is a disorder. The commander of part calls up ego:
-Hey you, zamudonets, and well, approach here!
BOYETS is developed and, a ceremonial step having approached the commander, dokladyvayet:
-Companion colonel! The private Zamudonets on your order arrived!!
TUT checking became silent, and with amazement asks:
-You that, the soldier, you and the truth have a commander of part such surname?
-is not present In any way, companion colonel! But after all at Chapayev all chapayevets were!!

*****

There is a meeting in a company. Sort two cadets who were late from discharge. Zampolit:
-Well how so it turned out, what you were late on whole an hour and a half?
kursanty:
-Yes we, companion lieutenant colonel, in the opera hodili.
zampolit, negoduya:
-Well, it it is necessary to get drunk so that to get to the opera!

*****

There is a court. The judge addresses to obvinyaemomu:
- The Defendant, explain - why you, seemingly normal person, the graduate of prestigious higher education institution, cruelly beat the mail carrier, dear person?! That would you make
-A on my place? This dear person came to me and speaks: "I brought the registered mail. But you will not dance yet, I will not give it".
-I that?
-Danced … And it is the agenda in a military registration and enlistment office it appeared!

*****

There is a lesson NVP. The teacher objyasnyaet:
-Infantry comes in a pedestrian order or directly na
bronetransportere.

*****

There are occupations on the MHTI military chair. Prepodavatel:
- When opening a box with gunpowder it is necessary to pay attention to a smell azota.
student:
-Companion major, nitrogen has no smell!
Bce understood that it is not about nitrogen, and about nitrogen oxides. The major understood that all this understood, but solved not otstupat:
- The Smell is not present, but OShUShchENIE is available!

*****

There are classes in the charter guard sluzhby.
-Ryadovoy Petrov! You stand on a post and notice that to you podpolzayet
chelovek. Your actions? I Will allocate for
-our battalion commander home.

*****

There are two cops with a guard dog down the street of the city and pass by the open pub working directly at the street. In pub behind racks there is a crowd of the drunk men talking among themselves. Cops passed by, but one of them heard, what men in a pothouse spoke and suddenly asks other cop, - "Kolyan listen and at our dog two members or one? How you think? The second cop answers, - "Of course one - he is a dog". Kolyan, and let's look just in case? The second cop speaks, well give, only what for? Raises a foot at a dog and speaks, - "Look - You see, one at it the member! The second cop also answers, "In a pancake, and men in a pothouse told - look a dog from two huyama went!

*****

There are beginners on a zone. Did not pass two steps, BANG - the Bloodsucker! The first beginner with fear in bushes, and another on a tree. The bloodsucker for the second on a tree got. The first of bushes from the machine gun, the first egg of a creature otstrelit. The bloodsucker whines, but climbs further. Otstrelit the second! The bloodsucker howls, painfully, but climbs, a reptile. And here the last charge otstrelit to the bloodsucker the last advantage! Everything, shout, after the district was distributed. To death ate, but climbs, rubbish...
C of a tree shouts one drugomu:
-V the head, in the head aim the moron! He not to bang me climbs!