Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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The deputy minister of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of Ukraine at a meeting with journalists told, what its staff is completely ready to carrying out EURO 2012 and all militiamen on point duty know in perfection English yazyk.
udivlennye journalists set question :
- And how to you it worked well?
ZAM. Interior Ministers: - When training we used a method of the 25th shot!
-It as?
-After 24 repetitions of the phrase follows blow a bludgeon!

*****

Zampolit on occupations asks the soldier why that went in armiyu.
novobranets decided to answer chestno:
-First, I want to protect the Homeland...
-is correct...
-Secondly, the service does me stronger...
-is right!
- And thirdly - me, %%%, anybody also did not ask!!!

*****

Zampolit lectured the radio operator that that went to the dining room, ne
ubrav a workplace. That opravdyvayetsya:
-to you, companion major, it is good: the mouth was closed - the workplace is cleaned.

*****

The division which occupied defense expected attack prevoskhodyashchikh
sil the opponent. The commander tried to lift fighting spirit svoikh
soldat:
-Children, it is necessary to keep cool. Composure - glavnaya
veshch for the soldier in fight!
- The Sir, - responded one soldier, - I have such cold blood,
chto even tooth on tooth does not get.

*****

Occupation on military kafedre:
-Is the Kalashnikov. It has in length from a front sight to a butt 56 centimeters, and from a butt to a front sight 73 santimetra.
-It cannot be! I Explain
-on an example from life: From Wednesday to Friday how many days? And from Friday to Wednesday?!

*****

Class in assembly and dismantling of the weapon. Starshina:
-Questions are? - Is, companion foreman. Why the rifle can be collected, sorted, and the person it is impossible?
-understood the Question, I answer. Here imagine, Pilipenko. You unscrewed yourself, went to bed, and here fighting alarm. You hurriedly screwed together everything, and to the place of the head put a bum. And that turns out: the garrison cap does not nalazit, the soldier's blouse is not clasped, all shout "hurrah", and you?

*****

Occupations on military chair. The major explains studentam:
-a machine gun Angle of lead on the armored personnel carrier Companion major, and what degrees - Fahrenheit or Celsius makes no more than 30 gradusov.
question from auditorii:
-?
mayor, after some razdumiy:
-On Farengeytu.
druzhny hokhot.
-Well, and it is impossible to joke. Celsius, of course!

*****

Classes in assembly and dismantling of the weapon. Starshina:
-Questions are?
-Is, companion foreman! Why the rifle can be collected i
razobrat, and the person it is impossible?
-understood the Question, I answer. Here imagine, Pilipenko that ty
sebya unscrewed, went to bed, and here fighting alarm. You hurriedly vse
svintil, and to the place of the head put a bum. And that poluchayetsya:
pilotka does not nalazit, the soldier's blouse is not clasped: in total krichat
"hurrah", and you?

*****

Entry in the logbook: "Exchanged identification znakami
s the unknown vessel".

*****

The out of breath American soldier flies up to monashke:
-Please, please - it is possible I will hide under your skirt?!. I will explain later!.
monakhinya soglasilas.
nemnogo pogodya resort two soldiers politseyskikh:
- The Sister, I'm sorry, you did not see here incidentally... soldier?...
monakhinya answered that it left in other direction...
posle of that as military police officers left, the soldier creeps out from under yubki:
- And I do not know how to thank you... Understand... I do not want to go to Iraq...
monakhinya answered that it it completely ponimayet.
soldat:
-do not think that I am rough..., but you have pair of delightful legs.! If you looked at
monakhinya:
-a little more above, you would see couple of delightful... eggs. I too do not want to go to Iraq.

*****

The loading appealed to the commander of the battery about perevode
ego in another fire vzvod.
-Why you ask about it? - asked komandir.
-Because of noise, - the gunner explained. - I am ready to shoot hot
tsely day, but our lieutenant incessantly sings something.

*****

The OMON fighter with kalashy comes into the bus, to sit down on a seat, the machine gun puts on knees a barrel on soseda.
sosed:
-E-e, easier, suddenly will shoot...!
OMONOVETS:
-Well and a horse-radish with it, I will recharge!

*****

An-2 comes in the land, reports as it is necessary on the fourth turn, but in the report one phrase is absent, about landing gear extension. Right there in efir:
-Report on RP on release shassi
otvet pilota:
- The Chassis is released and zakontreno by a bolt on 48 in 1956!...

*****

Comes vtoroy:
... Give to
- The rationalization proposal...
-is easy! At you under a window of soldiers mows a grass. Che it to and fro waves a braid? Give it to a braid we will tie a pitchfork, let at once in small groups puts!
-Well done! In holiday!

*****

The officer in bordel:
-to me please this, this and still this on noch.
-3 comes at once. Girls that elite were chosen, think will consult?
-U me under your windows a battalion elite. Can also Everest to make even to sea level,
prosto a little bit got knock of eggs in campaigns.

*****

The prapor comes into a toilet and loudly komanduyet:
-in the order of booths pay off!
IZ of booths razdayetsya:
- The First! The second! The third! The fourth!
PRAPOR:
-Means, so. The first three to gloss wash the booths, and the fourth does so that the others shone dvadtsat.
golos from the fourth kabinki:
-So precisely, companion ensign! The task is clear. Carry out, times did not recognize the commander of part.

*****

The ensign to the colonel comes somehow and sees - sits polkovnik
pered an aquarium and a finger on glass the eight draws, at etom
pristalno looking in an aquarium... And in an aquarium the small fish too po
vosmerke floats...
-???
-A it I come under influence of the principal reason! You see, a small fish mne
podchinyaetsya!
-!!!
-Well I now will leave, and you too go potreniruysya.
through half an hour the colonel comes back and sees the ensign,
sidyashchego before an aquarium and silently opening / закрывающего
рот...

*****

The sergeant in kazarmu:
- The Soldier why boots are not cleaned comes?!
-A it you not kasayetsya.
-That?! (blow to a physiognomy) Why boots are not cleaned?! Shoe polish
-net.
- And it does not concern me! After all I then told
-.

*****

Comes tretiy:
... Give to
- The rationalization proposal...
-is easy! At you under a window of soldiers mows a grass. Che it to and fro waves a braid, a grass in small groups puts? Give we will tie the cart to it, let at once and brings!
-Well done! In holiday!

*****

Comes chetvertyy:
... Give to
- The rationalization proposal...
-Not znayu.
-Nu-u-u-u... So go think. You will think up come!
vykhodit the lieutenant on a porch, lights nervously, costs "turnip wrinkles".
I approaches it this soldier here. With this hrenoviny in hands with the attached cart, all sweaty, exhausted. And spitefully so, Chyo, companion lieutenant asks at leytenanta:
-, in holiday want?! Da- And
-... The Rationalization proposal cannot think up
-?! Da- And
-... The Headlight to me on a forehead stick
-!!!! That I and could mow at night!!!!!!!

*****

The colonel and the ensign come into the multi-storey building. Polkovnik:
-Call the elevator!
-of Li - and- And-ft, li-i-i-ft!?

*****

– Why at a hydrogen bomb a parachute?
-that local population managed to photograph it on phone And to lay out on YouTube.

*****

- Why to me to study the machine gun? I will serve as the cook!
-First, a bayonet it is possible to peel potatoes. And secondly, If
ty the lousy cook, the machine gun will rescue you from anger of companions po
oruzhiyu.

*****

- Why in the Russian military registration and enlistment offices oculists show pictures,
sostoyashchiye from a set of multi-colored circles if you are a color-blind person, will see on the picture one number and if is not present - another?

*****

The demand on radio:
-Please, say hello to my favourite MILITARY REGISTRATION AND ENLISTMENT OFFICE, and put the song "You Kiss Me Everywhere, 28 Me Already"...!!!

*****

The granny in service spaseniya:
-Hallo calls, my kitty got stuck on a tree. You could not remove it?
-Yes anything, will sit-will sit also itself slezet.
- And if is not present? So it there with hunger pomret.
- The Granny, and you sometime on a tree saw a skeleton of a cat?.

*****

The person on duty by part rings a company. The man on duty takes trubku.
-Call the commander! Who asks
-A?
-Call the commander, your mother!
-A are asked by whom?
-Call the commander, suchiya potrokh!
-A who it?
-Who, who - the SCHNOOK IN the LEATHER COAT!
-A, it you, companion major...

*****

The man on telefonu:
-calls Is scarlet, it is rocket station?
Ha other end provoda:
-you got not there. It is military rocket stantsiya.
-Is not present, reptiles, are you got not there! Who will pay for a shed?!

*****

Phone in an arrangement of barracks of military unit calls. By there is a soldier - thinks - that overstrains, let me take trubku:
-Alyo... trubki:
-Tell
IZ please, how many at you regarding office Volg?
-Two: one under repair, goes by another old му#ак Pilipov.
- And who is such - Pilipov?
-A, is our commander of part - the colonel of Pilipov.
- And chyo, му#ак it perhaps?
-Yes, such му#аков still should look - му#ак-му#аком!
- Yes, and you know to whom you talk?
-NET.
-you talk to the colonel Pilipov! Yes, and you know
-to whom you talk?
-NET.
-Well then good-bye - old му#ак Pilipov!

*****

Zvonok.
kto?
ETO we, from a military registration and enlistment office, the ensign Ryzhov and the major Lubegin!
idite to hell!!! I!!! Already!!! Served!!! We know
DA, we know. We it is so simple, we play about!

*****

The call in military chast:
-Is additional "hundred eleven"? The ensign Ivanov to phone!
-Is not present, it is additional "one-one-one"! I at phone.

*****

Call in dver:
-to you the agenda in a military registration and enlistment office!
-But I have a platypodia, short-sightedness, two children, at last!
-Yes to me on %... y!
-you as, in general, talk to the Woman!

*****

Call in militsiyu:
-Hallo, militia, urgently come, me try wore out... lo... la... la... All right, do not come!.

*****

Call. Takes the call rebenok.
-to you whom?
-Father of the house?
-Is not present, it uyekhal.
-On rest?
-Is not present, it with mother left.

*****

Hello, you called in a military registration and enlistment office. If you want to serve - press an asterisk if do not want - press a reshetochka.

*****

- Hello. Here medical board of a military registration and enlistment office?
- Medical board? Yes, here. Come. Give dokumenty.
- You're welcome.
- So. Now undress. Approach closer. Turn a back. Take off pants. Bend down. Move apart buttocks... Wel

*****

Green, bald also jumps? - the soldier in a disco.

*****

The winter of the 41st, near Moscow from the padded German tank jumps out the German tankman and falls in sugrob.
through minute rises and climbs back in the burning tank.

*****

Winter. Cold weather. Army chast.
- The Private Petrov, what weather on the street? I cannot know
-, the companion praporshchik.
-Well so remove the thermometer in barracks, take out on the street and you learn!
-Yes as... it only shows higher than zero...
-your mother, so turn it!!!