Jokes about Chapaev

Read funny Jokes about Chapaev

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Anka from Paris returned. Vasily Ivanovich (V. I) and asks:
-Well how went approaches it, what brought?
- Yes here, a belt bought …
-A well there, show!
ANKA lifts a skirt, V. I. looks and faints. Anka is surprised and goes to Furmanovu.
-Hear, Furmanov, I here V. I. a belt which in Paris bought, showed, and he fainted …
- Well, give me show, I am a guy strong. -
ANKA lifts a skirt - Furmanov in a faint!
ANKA upset approaches Petke:
-to Sing, I am V. I. and Furmanova a belt Parisian showed, and they in a faint!!!
- Well pokazh!
ANKA lifts a skirt, Petka swayed, but ustoyal:
-An, a belt, of course, cool … here only these features … they to stockings are fastened!!!
vasily Ivanovich asks Petku:
-As it is Ukrainians pyatimetrovuyu a pig grow up?
-A they, Vasily Ivanovich, concrete hind legs, and the trough is put aside by all further and further …

*****

Chapayevets stantsiyu.
-On access roads took, - reported on Vasily Ivanovich, - the tank with alcohol!
- Immediately, - are ordered by Chapayev, - that fighters did not guess, paint over an inscription "Alcohol", write a formula CH3CH2OH.
K to evening Vasily Ivanovich, fighters cheerful hodyat.
-Petka looks, - he asks the orderly, - where it you were taken?
-I go on station, - Petka reports, - I see - the tank. It is written - On.
poproboval, precisely, it.

*****

The grandson asks dedushku:
- And the truth you saw Chapayev? otvechayet:
-Yes as you now I see
DED. It floats, and I tra - that am that is that-that …

*****

The granddaughter comes from kindergarten. - Grannies, and we in "Dom-2" played today. You represent, to Ksyukh for fun on "fast" took away. It has this … extra abusive pregnancy. Petk with Mishka Natashku was beaten - she to two promised them, but gave nobody. - And you? - the become stupid grandmother asks. - And I was not accepted. Told that I … the frigid. But all dolls were mine, and anybody did not prevent to play house. Anton Klubnitsky

*****

- Vova, tell, under what tension you will get if you undertake these two phases? - Let Petka will undertake, he is an excellent student.

*****

Vasily Ivanovich from otpuska:
-Well as comes back, Petka, everything is normal?
- is normal, Vasily Ivanovich, only a shovel slomalas.
-As you so?
- Da here, a grave dug - and slomalas.
-What grave?!
- Da your horse died!
- As it died?!
- the Stable burned down - here and sdokhla.
-With what was burned? Da Furmanov passed
-, the stub threw, it and sgorela.
-What stub? He does not smoke??! Here you will light
- when the banner of a regiment was filched!

*****

Petka comes back to a division after unsuccessful receipt in Genshtaba:
-Academy Was cut off, - speaks to Vasily Ivanovich, - on Cicero. - Asked, you understand who is he such. I also say that it is a horse from the third squadron … It I am guilty
-, Petka, - Vasily Ivanovich admitted, - I transferred Cicero to the second squadron.

*****

- The age, Petka, happens pre-retirement, pension and poslepensionnym.
-Yes? Vasily Ivanovich, and what this such - post-retirement age?
- when tell It about you or it is good, or anything.

*****

Question to Armenian radio:
-Who from great philosophers told, what it is impossible to enter one river twice?
-Chapayev!

*****

Question: What disease was it is possible to catch from V. I. Chapayev?
otvet: SPID-om
question : Why?
otvet: HIV infection

*****

Question - zagadka.
ranshe everything there were jokes about Vasily Ivanovich, and then sharply jokes about chukchey.
pochemu so went happened?
otvet is very simple: those who composed jokes about Chapayev, returned s
chukotki …

*****

- Here, - Petka speaks, - Chapay ordered, - and puts Anke … well - in a hand puts … a lipstick tube. That nedoumevayet:
-Yes on what to me such?
- of Nekhay will be. Think of the future: here war will be finished, will pass decades … People learn tha

*****

- Here that, Petka! I with you will trade places! Take my papakha,
konya, a felt cloak take!
- So, Vasily Ivanych! I will not be able to order a division!
- You will be able, Petka, you will be able … It for a while, temporarily … And we so far h

*****

You lie! You will not take! - Vasily Ivanovich desperately beat off from Anka, still hoping to avoid oral sex.

*****

Petka rushes, having been out of breath, in izbu:
-Vasyl Ivanych! There! Kolo of gate! White! Anka! - That!. Ivanych's
vasily for a vinovka and skok on a threshold. Sees: and really, "white Anka - that"!
-Anka! - Vasyl Ivanych shouts, - sign to a shibcha - I it in lyot to a sym!

*****

- I give all these stars to you, - Petka told and knocked Anka an iron basin on the head.

*****

All - Bolshevist greetings! -
vasil of Ivanych writes in shtab.
"Send fresh newspapers …
A is not present newspapers, so fresh women!"

*****

Furmanov meets somehow Vasily Ivanycha, and, as usual, starts exasperating - say, dark you, the divisional commander, and neobrazovannyy.
-Here guess, for example, Vasily ivanych, a riddle. Without windows without doors - the room of people is full. Vasily ivanych thought for about a minute and speaks:
- The Ass!
- Is not present, Vasily Ivanych, is a cucumber! Or here one more: two ends, two rings, in the middle - gvozdik.
vasily Ivanych reflected on minutku:
- The Ass!
- Eh, Vasily Ivanych, dark you! Scissors it! - also went dalshe.
vskore Vasily Ivanych meets Petku:
-Hear, Petka, me recently Furmanov asked a riddle, try to guess: without windows, without doors - the ass ogurtsov.
-Vasily Ivanych is full, the hogwash is some!
- Here and I think - a hogwash. And Furmanov speaks - scissors!

*****

Meets somehow Petk Anka and speaks:
-Hear, Anka, I have an idea! You Vasyl Ivanycha love?
- Very much! So give to
-by anniversary of revolution your machine gun of "Maxims" we will rename into "Vasily Ivanovich"?
- You that, Petk! Then after the second shot will get jammed it!

*****

Petka Vasyl meets Ivanycha:
-You from where?
-B to library was, the book here vzyal.
- And what for the book?
-"EXPERT Pushkin". About pilots, navernoye.
- And who wrote?
- some Jew - Uchpedgiz.

*****

Vasily Ivanovich and Petka, and Petka at it asks:
-Vasily Ivanovich you to me who meet?
- Well … in fight I to you the commander, in army the commander-in-chief …, and houses we with you are equal: see I sit I smoke, approach, sit down light, you see, I drink tea, approach, pour too drink, and see I pelmeni eat, approach, sit down light.

*****

Meet dvoye:
-Well how has a rest?
- Yes is boring. In total decently, full service, the sea, a beach, the museums, ekskursii.
- And we have beer, a fight, fights, Petka on a belt in plaster, Vanka in militia zabrali.
-Happy …

*****

Meet Kotovsk and Petka. Petka tells Kotovsk about flights on samolete.
-we Fly with Vasyl Ivanychem by plane …
- It horosho.
-… as the motor …
- It plokho.
-suddenly decayed … we found one parachute …
- It horosho.
-… and the second did not find …
- It plokho.
-… we jumped out together on one parachute …
- It horosho.
-… and the parachute burst …
- It plokho.
-… we fly and we see: directly at the rate - a haystack …
- It horosho.
-… and in hay stick out a pitchfork …
- It plokho.
-… but on a pitchfork we did not get …
- It horosho.
-… And HA HAY TOO.

*****

Meet Petka Vasily Ivanovich … Meet, meet, but cannot get married …

*****

Ivanychem.
-Vasyl Ivanych meet Petka Vasily, and you can bang the woman?
- I Can, and that!
-A of two?
-I of two!
-A of three?
- to Pull the socks up - and three I will be able!
-A of the man?
- … this - I cannot … konservatoriyev did not finish …

*****

Petka and Vasily Ivanovich meet … But cannot get married …

*****

Petka enters the room and sees: Chapayev on the head stoit.
-Well, Vasily Ivanovich, you just like Dzhavkharlal of NERU
-Well, first, not to Nehru, but Nyur, and secondly, what difference,
kogo I am Jawaharlal …

*****

Chose in 2012 Chapayev as the president, and made Petka the prime minister.

*****

Married Anka. The husband happened somehow upon Furmanov. Got to talking. It appeared, at Anka the child was already born. husband :
-you Represent, what guy grows! Brave how your Vasily Ivanovich, clever as your Petka, well, and strong - as zherebets.
furmanov:
-Well, about Petka with Vasily Ivanovich I heard earlier, and about a stallion you from where found out?

*****

Petka of the sinking Chapayev from the Urals takes out. Started an artificial respiration doing. Swings, swings, and water all goes and goes. Pass white and tell Petke:
-You to it a zh*pa from the river pull out, and all Urals you will pump over that.

*****

Vasily Ivanovich issued the order if from whom guesses an alcohol smell - on a horse-radish to a wall. The next morning all are under construction, all sober, one Petka in a boob the drunk. Vasily Ivanovich to him with a revolver, and from it does not smell. Vasily of Petk's Ivanovich:
-, share a secret, and to drink that hunting, and before children neudobno.
-Vasily Ivanovich, everything is simple - the method klizmy.
vasily Ivanovich went to a toilet, hour is not present, two, three. Leaves. Petka:
-You that so long, Vasily Ivanovich?
vasily Ivanovich:
-So long pottered with a cucumber.

*****

The participant of civil war acts, the last seeing Chapayeva:
-Floats across the Urals Chapayev - the wounded who weakened … And here its excellency was also ordered me: "pl!." More I did not see Chapaya …

*****

Gerasim do not take Mu-Mu's Chapayevu:
-on that coast?

*****

The guide conducts an eskursiya in places of fighting glory of Chapayev of V.I.
-Here he from white hares was through with Petka, here potato on a fire baked, and here it crossed the Urals Small River and drowned …
Ha to the coast lies a sarcophagus, in it two skeletons - one big, another malenkiy.
gid on big pokazyvayet:
-This Vasily Ivanovich …
IZ tolpy:
- And little who?
-A is Vasily Ivanovich in the childhood.

*****

Vasily Ivanovich on next postpoyenii
-From whom speaks I will feel a smell - poimeyu.
ha the next day creeps Petka.
- And well breathe …
hikakogo zapakha.
-All right, to you will be nothing, but tell - as?
- is elementary - klizma.
ha the next day hardly creeps Vasily Ivanovich, passtaviv.
-feet??????
- Vodka went well, and here with a cucumber pomayalsya …

*****

- They say that Petka became blue …
- That, on Theatrical, at a monument with blue meets?
- Is not present, on a monument with pigeons!

*****

Civil war. White seize the village. V. I. Chapayev not uspevayet
smytsya also hides in a deep well. Through some time over kolodtsem
sklonyaetsya belogvardeets.
- There is somebody?
EHO-Chapayev.
-Is somebody … somebody … somebody … another b-gvardeets.
-Likely is not present
podkhodit nikogo.
ekho-Chapayev.
- There is nobody … there is nobody … there is no никого.
1st-y b-gvardeets.
- And can throw the grenade?
EHO-Chapayev.
-So after all is not present anybody … there is nobody … there is nobody.
uyekhal Vasily Ivanovich to pass examinations in Military Academy. Missed … Petke rings a division: - What the new? Everything is normal
-. Only staff doggy okolel.
-From what it?
Da of fried meat obozhralsya.
-From where is a lot of meat?
- Da a stable burned down with loshadmi.
-As burned down? Da Furmanov lit
- and the stub gave up in seno.
-So he does not smoking! Here you will light
- when a regimental banner "whistled".
vozvrashchayetsya Vasily Ivanovich in a division after failure at receipt in Military Academy. Petka asks:- Well хоть
спрашивали?
- Da here, who such Newton? And I also blurt out that a stallion at us in the first squadron. And not ugadal.
-Vasily Ivanovich! We without you transferred it to the second squadron!
B bane:
-Vasyl Ivanych, and your feet is dirtier than at menya.
-Da I to Sing you and is more senior …

*****

Civil war. V. I. and Petka were one in the village busy white. And that it is necessary to reach the through an open country to pass. Just like that you will go - white will catch. And here, means they sit in a shed and think as if to the to reach. Suddenly Petka finds in a shed two zdorovennye
shkury dogs. Well, they pull, means these skins, and on all fours, a potikhonka through a field … And here at white just a lunch. Well, and, what-to
kazak calls these our dogs, and tries to feed them with the fried meat. And Vasily Ivanych with Petka 3 days were not eaten. And of course these kuski
myasa devour in a flash. And the Cossack with laughter falls, other Cossacks calls, at them throws to dogs meat - those eat and now all belye
smeyutsya. Generally V. I. from Petkaya of meat gorged on, resort in the camp. And there too all neigh, on the ground with laughter katayustsya. V. I. with Petkoy
sprashivayut, a pier che such? To them otvechayut:
-you … the back on before put on skins ….

*****

Yes … All ran up, crowded. Winnie gave a piece of paper to Holmes (was not able to read that). Holmes in ominous silence developed a piece of paper and …. as began to laugh, just like Watson (John) in the story "Yellow Face" when they unmask, and there the little black girl … .
NU, generally on a piece of paper was written "I" .
VOT so!