Jokes about Chapaev

Read funny Jokes about Chapaev

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Girls happen raznye:
chernye, white, krasnye
no all is identical hochetsya
na something to bother

*****

Father Frost with the Snow Maiden wish a Happy New Year two bratyev.
-Father Frost, and you are afraid of global warming?
- Of course! We after all can thaw … Petk's
-! Cut a heater! Will know how to give to children of the book …

*****

V. I. Chapayev's dialogue with the rocker on Harley Davidsson:
v.I.Ch:ty for protoss, or for zerg?
roker:ya for terran, they have baizes (motik) abrupt!!

*****

The division from laughter writhes -
vasil of Ivanych splokhoval:
s Anka-pulemetchitsu
puleminetchitsey called a hangover.

*****

I bring a result of the laborious historical and literary research able to the general attention to form the basis …
samy the first joke about V. I. Chapayev appeared in coded form in I. Ilf and E. Petrov's work "A gold calf" and sounds TAK:
VASISUALY - the SUCKER ANKIN.

*****

Petka and Vasily Ivanovich go on camels on the desert. Petka:
-Vasyl Ivanych, watch - saksaul.
-It not a saxaul, and aksakal.
-Yes one devil - a tree.

*****

Petka and Vasily Ivanovich on a canyon go, carry a large bottle samogona.
vdrug fly indeytsy.
chapayev from Petkaya fast into a cave get and that moonshine to the enemy ne
dostalsya, vyzhirat all butyl.
chapayevu zakhoroshet, tells Petke;idi tell these locks of hair that I v
rot ebat all of them!
petka gets out, speaks;-Moy the chief told that it in a mouth ebat all of you!
vpered leaves the Indian leader and having terribly frowned asks;-I menya
tozhe!?
PETKA;-A you who such?
INDEETS;-Ya Fast Deer!
petka гордо; - No, my chief does not ebt cattle!

*****

Chapayev and Petka drive the car. See - the girl golosuyet.
ostanovilis.
-Will bring? My money net.
- And how you will pay?
- Well as, I will take off pants and I will give … Petk's
-, you need pants, me - no. Went further.

*****

For Petk's alcoholism on gubu
posazhen Furmanov on noch.
-Now Anka Po%bu! -
zloradstvuyet Vasyl Ivanych.

*****

For progress in fight against White Guards Petka and Chapayev were awarded by command of a tour to Australia. Local natives lie on a beach, into water do not come, of sharks are afraid. And Russians swim - though that. Sharks, having scented them, at once scatter in all directions. At last, time uyezzhat.
glavny came the Native approaches Chapayev and asks:
-you do not share a secret? Why for all holiday you were never attacked by a shark, and they guzzle ours sotnyami.
-What a secret here. It everything Furmanov. He at us competent, read in some book, what at sharks very sharp nyukh.
-Well, and what?
- Well, we also bathed, without taking off footcloths.

*****

Petk's time to Vasily Ivanovich runs as that. And speaks:
-Tam Anka on a mine podorvalas.
-Yes I know!
- From where?
- the TAMPAX in a window leaf flew.

*****

Petka in shtab:
-Vasily Ivanovich runs somehow, I killed KOLOBOK!
NU Chapayev asks it supposedly what Kolobok???
petka to it and speaks:
-I Go on a horse, I see - Kolobok slides. Well, I it shashkoy
popolam and razrubil.
vasily Ivanovich thought and the Fool you speaks emu:
-, Petka, is Kotovsk a trench of snouts.

*****

Petka and Chapayev got lost in the wood. Long wandered, looked for dorogu.
pervym did not stand Petk - fell to the ground umirat.
vdrug hears champing, raises the head and sees that Chapay of berry zhret.
-Vasily Ivanovich, you that, okhuyet, same wolf berries!
- Yes went it nakh@y, this wolf, it to himself will find others!!! …

*****

Vasily Ivanovich, Petka and Furmanov came into the wood, and got lost. Go on the wood week, the second, hungry, angry. Will see a bird, only to shoot, and Furmanov:
-is not necessary are our younger brothers!
vasily Ivanovich and speaks:
-we Should be divided, and to look for food separately, and that we will die soon!
razoshlis. Petka went, went, and came across Vasily Ivanovich. And that sits meat fries and bursts. Petka, speaks:
-Vasily Ivanovich was delighted, will treat?
- Sit down, for the fighters of nothing zhalko.
sel Petka, uplet meat half a kilo, and speaks:
- And vooshche, the lousy person is Furmanov.
-not to be pleasant, do not eat …

*****

Petka and Vasily Ivanych sunbathe on the coast of the river. Look - on other buregu two women sunbathe. Vasily Ivanych tells Petke:
-Swim on that coast, learn how there and that, can you will prevail upon, and report me .
ppiplyl Petka, Vasily Ivanych looks: Petka wrote on big liste:
"Have dinner" Vasily Ivanych broke off and left home. Through nekotroye time enters Petka and opet:
-You that did not come?
- So you wrote that they obedayut.
-Yes have not dinner, and both give!

*****

War ended, fighters decided to be engaged in business. Vasyl Ivanych bought the automatic machine for sale of aerated water and went to Sahara. And Petka bought the refrigerator and went to the Arctic. In a year meet: V. I. was ruined - and Petka grew rich! You Understand
-, Petka, they as will see in the desert the machine gun with aerated water - at once shout: mirage, mirage! And here you as managed?
- Yes to me local to be heated went …

*****

Summer vacation ended. At Russian lesson the teacher speaks - write the composition as you carried out leto.
petka wrote: "All summer vodka of saws and with women slept." The teacher causes it and speaks write on more decently, for example - books read vodka of saws, it tr@khatsya - went fishing. After the teacher reads: "We wake up with V. I. in the morning the head boliiit horror. Well I under a mattress thrust a hand, and there the book floor since evening remained well we and read. Then with V. I. gathered covers two more books went bought. Read it seems released. Furmanov still a string-bag of books comes brings well we esteemed three together in general well, still a wish arose. And here V. I. remembered that on other end of the village the grandma sells the manuscript went took, read and here on fishing pulled. And here that at me at once pecked, and V. I. till the evening waited, and then as pecked, so it still cleans a hook.

*****

Occupied Petk with Vasily Ivanovich the next village and arranged the Soviet power, communism there. That is peasants come to them and prosyat:
-Give an axe, give a hammer, give nails and t. of
NU, and those free of charge give everything to them. Here one muzhichishche comes and prosit:
-Give me rotation (the drill such is) .
vasily Ivanovich calls up Petku:
-Petya, descend, give it kolovorot.
petka leaves, in an hour vozvrashchayetsya:
-Vasily Ivanych, Coca of gate of people was much, so I behind a shed gave it.

*****

Diary entry of Chapayev: "There was a fight, we beat out white of the wood. Na
sleduyushchy day was very strong fight, white beat out us from the wood. Na
trety day came the forester and expelled all of us from the wood."

*****

Vasily Ivanovich comes into a log hut, looks - Petka sits, nails krasit.
rasserdilsya - You that, Petka, contacted pederasts?
-Foo, Vasily Ivanovich as went, they are not pederasts, and seksualnye
menshinstva.
-Yes, Petka, you are better with pederasts … And for communication with menshevikami
poydesh under tribunal …

*****

Vasily Ivanovich to Petka comes, and that sits, and something pishet.
-Petka, you that write there?
- Yes here, Vasily Ivanovich, the opera pishu.
- And about me you will write?
-I about you, and about Anka … Operas told about all to write!

*****

VI to P comes and sees that it has all apartment in cockroaches: (
-Slysh P and che all apartment in cockroaches? It I disertatsiyu write
-A to VI, about COCKROACHES! Well raskazhi …
- we Take
- a cockroach, we put it on a table and we shout "RUN!!!", and he runs! We take one more, we tear off to it feet and we shout "RUN!!!", but he DOES NOT RUN!!!
delayem conclusion: "The COCKROACH WITHOUT FEET of HE HEARS"!!!

*****

Vasily Ivanovich comes into a tavern. Ofitsiant:
-to you that?
- a vodka Bottle, a glass and blyudtse.
ofitsiant was surprised, but the order executed. Departed away and observes. Vasily Ivanovich poured vodka in a glass and in a saucer, got a turtle from a pocket, put a muzzle in a saucer and clinking glasses said:
-Well, and now, Petka, tell how you Hottabycha on x … sent …

*****

Petka to Vasily of Ivanovichu.
-Vasily Ivanovich comes, explain you to me please. Here I here in the book read: "Patricians suited orgies with heteras".
-A that here unclear, Petka? Orgies is a booze, and heteras are prostitutes such …
- Well, and patricians?
-A it, Petka, typographical error. It is necessary to read: "Party members".

*****

Chapayev to Anka comes, and she naked sits. Chapayev ey:
-Anka, you why the naked? Yes I dresses net.
-As have no
-?! - goes, opens a case - Time a dress, two dress, privet
petka, three dress, four dress.

*****

Vasily Ivanovich to Petka of beer came somehow to drink, and at that beer and is not present. Petka speaks:
-I now run, and you here podozhdi.
i ran. In a few minutes call to a door. Vasily Ivanovich opens - on the threshold krasivaya
baryshnya is. All from itself distinguished, a dress white with laces and thingies, on the head a hat with a feather, in hands a sunshade …
-Ya Charlotte. St. Petersburg houses?
U Vasily of Ivanovich a jaw drooped, only the head negatively motayet.
-Tell it, what I have a debut tomorrow, let come with Idealom.
vskore of Petk pribegayet.
-Nobody came?
- Came some shalava, you 3,14dorom called, told, what it tomorrow e? ;T, ordered to come with the blanket …

*****

Call from shtaba:
-Vasily Ivanovich, new computers loaded?
- Full tachanka, companion Furmanov!

*****

In shtabe.
- The Commander of the tank case Petka listens to a call!
golos Chapayeva:
-You that, Petka? I after all to you only one tank prislal.
-Well, Vasyl Ivanych, the motor was stolen, and the case remained.

*****

- You know, Petka how in the desert of lions catch without cages and ruzhey
-I do not know, tell, Vasily of Ivanovich.
-Means so, dig out a deep hole and how you will see a lion so at once shout and attract it, and then jump in a hole when he jumps to

*****

- Petka means so! From a zavtrev you will be the commander of a division zamesto me!
- Yes you cho, Vasily Ivanych!? And how are you?
-A I will be prime minister at you. Democracy, Petka - slozhnaya
shtuka … More than two terms in a row are impossi

*****

Played chess in shtabu.
chapay bravely combated -
cek a saber white ofitserov
s victorious shout "Ea%bu!."

*****

Playing cards, peep chervu
pobila Anka nevznachay.
-That, red to beat?? I will finish off the stinker! -
skhvativ the revolver, shouts Chapay.

*****

There is Vasily Ivanych on a zhezezka, Petka looks sits on rails. Approaches closer, Petka looks the member on a rail laid out also a hammer on it - hryas, but by. Vasily Ivanych shouts emu:
-You that Petk do, the disabled person want to become?!
- Yes not Vasyl Ivanych, I go bananas …
- As - so?
-A here if on #%^ I will not get, and I go bananas …

*****

There is Vasily Ivanych down the street and sings: "Others lips you are caressed …" on a meeting to it by Petka:
-Well Vasily Ivanych, again Anka threw?
- Is not present, Chupa Chups lost …

*****

There is a meeting of pioneers with participants of Civil war. The old man who the last saw Chapayev acts. The leader prosit:
- The Grandfather, tell our pioneers about your last meeting with Chapayevym.
starik rasskazyvayet:
-I Lay down somehow on a hillock with a machine gun. I see - through the Urals Small River Chapay floats. Well I on it - turn from a machine gun, it dived. I look - again seemed. I again - turn. Well there are, more kids, I also did not see Chapaya!.

*****

There is a competition prostituk. Vasily Ivanovich from Petkaya decided to send Anka but on condition that that will return with the first place. Anka without hesitation agreed. And here it comes back …
- Well what place?
-Second … to
-As so, give tell!
- Well here … It a crustacean - I a crustacean, it sidewise - I sidewise, it х#й in a mouth - and I not mogu.
-Yes as so, now we will teach … to
otpravlyayut the second time ….
-A now what place?
-First!
- Well here! Give tell!
- It sidewise - I sidewise, it a crustacean - I a crustacean, it х#й in a mouth - and I TWO, and in what a way will whistle!.

*****

There is Petka on the coast the Urals river, i
ne recognizes her: water muddy, dirty, fishes dokhlye
puzom up float, a smell such that already glaza
slezyatsya. Petka ahead of Vasiliya
ivanovicha, podkhodit:
-Hi notices suddenly! And what you do it here?
- Yes I think here, to wash to me the second papakha, or not to erase …

*****

There is Petka and suddenly Vasily Ivanovich sees a hole kopayet.
zachem - asks it - dig?
- So on part.bilt ordered to bring the photo on a belt - he answers Petke.
- And that a deep hole such?
- Here you are Petka the simpleton. So I on a horse will be photographed.

*****

There is Petka, Vasily Ivanych sees a hole digs. Well business, Petka asks:
-That you it is clear, Vasyl Ivanych, do?
-Ya, Petka, on the party membership card has to be removed, and so told, what the photo - on a belt has to byt.
-On a belt? A of that dug out such deep?
- So, this, I on a horse wish to act!!!