Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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Two generals Razgovarivt, ours (R) and the American (A).
(P) - the Russian soldier has three meals a day, and as a result receives 2.000 Kcal in den.
(And) - And our soldier receives 4.000 Kcal a day! - You Lie
(P), the NATO muzzle, cannot eat the soldier two bags of a swede!!!!!!!!!

*****

Conversation two German razvedchits:
-Predstavlyaesh, M?ller demanded that I overslept with Stierlitz and found out at it the plan of approach of the Soviet army to Berlin! If he will tell nothing
-A?
Well then though I will oversleep.

*****

Conversation of two soldat:
-Wan, and Wan, let's lodge a goat in barracks - for luck,
vrode talismana.
-So after all stinks!
-of Anything, will get used. We after all got used!

*****

Conversation in children's sadu:
- And my father such the little coward, such the little coward! It you took
-C of that?
-As soon as mother goes to business trip, it is afraid to sleep one and leaves to the neigbour.

*****

Regional military registration and enlistment office. On the way crowds of men of military age, arrive new groups all the time, all doors and windows are surrounded prizyvnikami.
vnutri the military commissar and the doctor of a selection committee tighten a table to barricade a door. The doctor, with otdyshkoy:
-Petrovich, here on a fig was to write in the agenda, what new tanks fill with pure alcohol?!

*****

- Earlier I had everything, work, the apartment, friends, the girlfriend, but then doctors made me the scary diagnosis... it is suitable.

*****

Earlier I slept well because knew that protect me. Then went to army. Began to sleep worse because protected. Now came from army I do not sleep I know at all as protect

*****

Earlier my son did not love porridge with lumps and boiled onions in supe.
no then the old friend advised me Armiyu.
i, about a miracle - after the first application of Army izmenilos.
spasibo to mine drugu.
armiya - ask all in all military registration and enlistment offices of the country!!!

*****

Tells praporshchik:
"... I creep and sharply I rush into a kapterka if in it FOUR boytsa
i shuddered - means gamblers if THREE and shuddered - means drunks,
If TWO and shuddered - means gay persons if ONE and shuddered - znachit
onanist and if ONE and DID NOT SHUDDER - it means the demobilization kimarit."

*****

Results strelb:
ivanov - 9 from 10...
petrov-10 from 10...
sidorov - Petrov...

*****

Advertizing: Now we very need new faces and types. Imenno
poetomu the additional limited set of young men from 18 let.
speshi is carried out, become a star. Signature: Military registration and enlistment office.

*****

Commercial of the Moscow militia: "Bring together 10 prostitutes and on one of them find the recruit".

*****

Restaurant. The major, drunk in a board, sits, having buried an ugly face in a plate with a jelly, and starts up bubbles. Companion major, schet.
-I-i-raz approaches ofitsiant:
-!

*****

The guy from army decided to otkosit. Pretended to be blind, and for plausibility asked the bride it in a military registration and enlistment office by a hand privesti.
prizyvnaya the commission looked at the bride... also agreed that the guy blind.

*****

The guy from army decided to dodge. Well he made tests, and result -
goden. It was necessary to hand over urine. He wrote, so added dog baddies,
dobavil liquid of the brother and sister. Handed over. The gonorrhea, the sister on the 3rd month of pregnancy, at sobaki
podagra, and you, the citizen,
godny to service with troops comes to it otvet:
- At the brother.

*****

Two soldiers decided to play a trick on the ensign. Approach and sprashivayut:
-Tovarish the ensign and what is heavier - kilogram of iron or kilogram of cotton wool?
-Silly question! Of course, iron kilogram!!!
-is wrong! Equally... Here I now will give
-A to you on the head at first in cotton wool kilogram, and then kilogramommy gland, and we will look...!!!

*****

The relatives see off the son in armiyu.
-Write the truth, - Tam speaks mat.
-check, - objects dyadya.
- Then write with blue ink when it is good, and red when it is bad. And I then to you priyedu.
syn left. Through some time the letter comes: "Everything is good. And only one is bad: there is no red ink."

*****

Pink dream of any militiaman-serzhanta:
"to See the widow of the chief on a funeral of higher chief".

*****

- Why the Russian army builds dachas much better, than are expensive? Because on roads the potential opponent can pass
-, and at dachas there live real generals.

*****

The Russian military seamen, released Somali PIRATOV.
ODNAKO that those resembled pirates more, pricked out to all of them on an eye, and chopped off on a foot...

*****

The Russian scientists created essentially new type of weapon - a chuguniyevy bomb. Radius of defeat is equal to bomb radius.

*****

The Russian military industrial complex turns the programs for creation of the weapon with elements of artificial intelligence - the prototype of a "clever" bomb did not manage to be PUSHED OUT from the plane.

*****

The Russian scout Petrov who is ideally knowing five languages in a trice failed the abroad when in the subway he was pushed it around...

*****

The company was ready to attack, and the skilled sergeant noticed that at odnogo
novobrantsa nerves obviously handed over. It was pale, teeth knocked, a
kolenki manufactured absolutely unclear figury.
-Tompkin, - the sergeant used some "inspiring"
vyrazheny, is you shiver or your mean skin?
-Is not present, the sergeant, it I shiver, but not for myself, and za
protivnika which does not know that I already here yet!

*****

The company of OMON liquidated a field of hemp, of 2 gektara.
posle that declared itself a division and went to space to be at war with Pokemons.

*****

The company passes on skis near the village. One soldier asks komandira
otpustit him though for two hours: it has a wife there, and in army ego
zabrali in two days after a wedding. It comes back,
soldaty sprashivayut:
-Well, here came you, what there was the first?
-Intim... - reddens soldat.
- And the second?
-Again intim...
-Well, and the third? Again intim?
-Well. Removed skis.

*****

The company made march in a pedestrian system when at last there was podana
kom@nda ostanovitsya.
-a Sergeant, - ordered company, - dispose that those, kto
ustal, left from stroya.
mnogiye soldiers hurried to use predostavlennoy
privilegiyey.
- And now, the sergeant, that who functioned, declare rest, a
tekh who left, construct in a marching column and prodolzhayte
dvizheniye. Nets it is necessary to bring up.

*****

The company of soldiers faces the dug hole. Lieutenant komanduyet:
-Ivanov! Move apart hands in the parties. Two steps vpered.
-Petrov! To raise hands, forward march!
-Sidorov! Companion lieutenant while you play everything a tetris here resorts praporshchik:
-, in a staff the major waits for you.

*****

Company before vzvodom:
-Who once again will call the chief of a staff a pig, that budet
prikreplen to its personal toilet - to clean after it manure!

*****

The company asks recruits in the yard near kazarmy:
-Who from you is able to cook?
-Ya, - answers odin.
-you Will be povarom.
through two dnya:
-Listen, and you in general - that had to cook in bolshikh
kotlakh? Yes.
-I that you cooked
-?
-Asphalt.

*****

The Russian nuclear submarine, somewhere in the World Ocean, the 3rd of January, reserves of alcohol ran low. On the bridge appears swelled up kapitan.
kapitan: Orderly officer, our coordinates?
dezh.Ofitser suffering morning after: I do not know...
kapitan: In what though the ocean?
dezh.Ofitser: Without concept...
kapitan: And in which hemisphere?
dezh.Ofitser: The horse-radish knows it...
kapitan: To lift a periscope

*****

The private Madison was sent with the report. Through some time
serzhant found it sitting on a roadside dorogi.
-That you do here?
-As far as I know, Earth vrashchayetsya.
-Well and what? Here I also wait for
- When the place where I was sent, itself approaches ko
mne.

*****

The private Rabinovich for violation of the oath was sent in shtrafbat. Being on a post he shouted coming nearer protivniku:
-Oh, who all right!

*****

- To ordinary Glima, what of equipment subjects heaviest na
marshe?
- The Flask for water, when it empty.

*****

The private tortured the lieutenant requests for providing three-day holiday to it. It answered a question of the holiday reason, what his wife serving in auxiliary women's crew of land forces was entitled serzhanta.
-It perfectly, but at what your holiday here?
-Ya I want to make of what everyone dreams soldat.
-What exactly?
-to Flog the sergeant to loss of consciousness.

*****

- Private Ivanov! - the ensign Shvets exclaimed, having seen the young soldier shipped in the thoughts. - Why you did not salute me?
-Is guilty, companion ensign, has to be, I usnul.
-Well, thank God, and that I thought that you do not recognize me.

*****

– The private Ivanov to leave an operation!
ivanov falls unconscious. Roar...
komandip:(
)-that With it?
-left an operation...

*****

- Private Ivanov! Why did not shave?
-Companion ensign, I beard otrashchivayu.
-Um. I cannot forbid it to you, but only these should be engaged in personal time, and in a system you have to be shaven!

*****

- Private Ivanov! I order you to polish a bucket kartoshki.
-In our space age it is time to have the car on cleaning of potato, - grumbled Ivanov.
-Of course. And you, Ivanov, represent its latest model!