Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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- Stewardess! Yes, I you listen to
-!
-Ya would like to state my claims to this airline. Every time when I fly, comes across to me always the same place. I cannot watch the movie, at a window there are never no blinds that I could have a sleep quiet

*****

The USA - brain NATO.
ANGLIYA - muscles Nato.
germaniya - HATO
heart....
A Georgia will be the member of NATO!

*****

The son comes back home from army. Mother asks it with sochuvstviyem:
-You tormented there, the sonny?
-Is not present... Fed with
-?
-Yes. Abused
-?
-is not present Me, and here you constantly remembered...

*****

The son of the general plays in soldatiki:
-Fathers, look, I built the right flank here, and here the left...
-is correct, the good fellow the sonny! And this probably the reserve hid?
-Is not present, to me tell-tales giving build it...

*****

The son arrived on a visit to mother from an artillery regiment. Ate, took a cat on hands, sat down at an oven, it is heated. It exhausted and he dozed off. Here from an oven jumps out a piece of coal and falls on a carpet. Mother zakrichala:
-Fire!
SYN swells up, throws a cat in the furnace, pushes zaslonku:
- The Tool action!

*****

- The son sticks to praporshchiku:
-Fathers and how brains are arranged?
-Leave alone!
-of Fathers, well as are arranged brains?
-Leave alone, at me another in the head!

*****

Sons of military commissars are born at once the 27-year-old.

*****

The sonny writes the letter from army:
-Dear father, tonight the remarkable dream - our lodge, a court yard and an apple-tree garden dreamed me. Our wonderful, beautiful silent, cozy apple-tree garden, in the fall when on all trees large red fragrant apples already ripened. I remembered as us it was good in ours sadu.
dushevno, comfortably... .
kakiye at us zamechtelny apples. Big, juicy, sweet... .
prosnulsya, and in a mouth there is a taste of apples. I so on them soskuchilsya.
papa, send me, please, our apples. More than nothing nado.
vozmi a box also fill it completely with apples and came me .
nu, you can put from above a piece sala.
a if fat does not get, throw out apples a nakher!

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- So, the young man where want to serve?
- In - So, the young man where want to serve?
-B air defense! Take in air defense! I want to serve in air defense!
-A from what it at you a nervishka are so strongly loosened, do not get enough sleep,

*****

- So a company, be under construction, equal, quietly! Before you the fighting T-80.
petrov tank, it is live under the tank! Lift! Lift, I speak! More strongly, silney
tolkay! What, it is impossible? You and whose army? Kashi ate a little? All right,

*****

The taxi driver who found the documents forgotten in salon with a signature stamp top secret is offered to be shot most

*****

The customs officer, looking in a suitcase to the passenger with arrived reysa:
-So, dear, let's be defined, where here your things, and where - mine.

*****

The customs officer asks at turista:
-That you in this bag?
-of Sterns for sobaki.
-Otkroyte.
turist opens a bag and the customs officer sees, what it is filled by sweaters, cognac and sigaretami.
-you consider, what your dog will eat all this? - ironically asks tamozhennik.
-will not want, let does not guzzle, this its business.

*****

The tank can pass through the wood if diameter of trees in centimeters does not exceed tank weight in tons.

*****

Tariff "Military"! The first two years - it is free!

*****

- Why you were transfered to the reserve?
-Bolezn.
-What? I do not know
-, but all company from I felt sick.

*****

Telephone zvonok.
-Hallo, it is base?
-Is not present, you got not there. It is rocket baza.
-Is not present, it you got not there. You got to my shed.

*****

Type three disabled persons sit in the bar: blind American, deaf- And-dumb Frenchman and lame Russian. Suddenly around began to shine and was it Iisus.
i he amerikantsu:
-told that you were a righteous person, I will relieve you of torments!
I concerned it the American, both that began to see clearly and began to eulogize force of Gospodnyu.
a Jesus speaks frantsuzu:
-You too were approximate my son! Here to you award!
I concerned it the Frenchman, both found that speech power and began to hear, both he rejoiced and the Lord to Russian began to eulogize force of Gospodnyu.
povorachivayetsya, and that as zaoret:
-do not touch me! Zagre %% t in army!...

*****

- Somehow children parachutists told me that becomes rather terrible not during the first, and during the second pryzhka.
-It is rather terrible during the last jump!

*****

- Companion military, we correctly go on station?
-Yes what is correct there? The ankle reels, blow of foot not accurate and in general without cadence...

*****

- Companion General! I report! From the city did not remain ANYTHING! I repeat on letters: Nina, Ivan, Khariton, Ulyana, Yana. I repeat: ANYTHING!

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- Companion captain, the fire on the destroyer "Fireproof" is extinguished by flooding of the ship!

*****

- Companion captain! We have in a company non-statutory relations. Yesterday saw your soldier - all muzzle of the person blue!

*****

- Companion captain, the private Novak jumped out of the plane bez
parashyuta!
-As? Again?!

*****

- Companion commander! Allow to ask a question!
Set! Whether
-A the truth, what the shell shot from a gun flies on a parabola?
Truth!
That is, if to put a gun sideways, it will be possible to shoot from round the corner? It
is possible,

*****

- Companion cadet that you use foul language, well as the child small, chestnoye
slovo!
-Ya I do not use foul language: it at me a voice such!

*****

- Companion lieutenant, from the tank a caterpillar flied!
-Well and greedy you, Rabinovich! Let sparrows will peck.

*****

- Companion major, you have different boots - one black, another brown, you would descend home changed the shoes!
-Yes I already went - there the same!

*****

- Companion major and what to do if I suddenly step on a mine?
-Standard procedure, lieutenant. It is necessary to jump up on 30 meters up and to extend across the wide territory.

*****

- Companion major, and what such illusion?
-Well, Ivanov, here you for example, bang the maid and in the seventh heaven …
-Is so exact, companion major!
- And so is an illusion. Actually you on two fingers from an ass!

*****

- Companion major, it is possible to ask you a question, under what corner it is necessary to shoot that flying range was maximum? Ask
-!

*****

Companion major, here from above spustili.
chto we will do the order on catching of skinheads to us?
-That-that... To detain and cut...

*****

Companion Minister of Defence of the Russian Federation! me is 22 years old, I am married to the widow of 44 years who has the 25-year-old daughter. My father married this girl and thus became my son-in-law as he is the husband of my daughter. Thus, my stepdaughter became my stepmother, time it is the wife of my father. At us with the wife was born syn.
on became the brother of the wife of my father and the cousin of my father. And, respectively, my uncle as he is the brother of my stepmother. Thus, my son now. my uncle. The wife of my father too gave birth to the child who became at the same time my brother, time he is the son of my father, and my grandson as he is the son of the daughter of my wife. As the husband of mother someone is his father, it turns out that I am the father of the wife, time I am the brother of the son. Thus, I became the own grandfather. Considering the above, companion minister, I ask you to take necessary measures for release me from an appeal as under the law it is impossible to call on service at the same time the son, the father and the grandfather. With hope for your understanding, companion minister, the student of legal college -
vasily Izrailevich Bergman!

*****

- Companion colonel, meat in soup is not necessary!
-is not necessary - means on an apportion it is not necessary! It is necessary to
-On an apportion …
-A of times is necessary, so guzzle!

*****

- Companion colonel!!! To me data arrive that you often use foul language before stroyem.
-Pizdyat, companion general!!!

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Companion colonel! To me data arrive that you often use foul language before stroyem.
-Pizdyat, companion general!

*****

Companion colonel, allow to enter?
VKHODITE.
YA on personal voprosu.
slushayu vas.
razreshite not on-ustavnomu.
valyay.
kak you got me, the old moron! Allow to go?

*****

- Companion ensign and if the army was not, you whom would be?
-Pozharnym.
- And if also firefighters were not?
- Then militsionerom.
- And if also the militia was not?
-of That stuck? I all the same would not work!

*****

- Companion ensign, and there are clever dogs?
-Happen, the private. Sometimes even it is cleverer than owners. At me was such...