Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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- What it at you for a look, companion cadet? Trousers not glaWife, boots not of a chishchena, muzzle not shaven, as five-year-old!

*****

At the general the grandson was born. He disposed to send one of privates to maternity hospital to recognize all podrobnosti.
kogda the private returned, the general vyzvat it to himself and asks:
-Well as my grandson there? To whom it is similar?
-Is healthy. To you it is very similar, companion general! You are more detailed than
-, popopodrobny rasskazhi.
-Yes, same bald, big-bellied, a horse-radish does not think and all the time shouts.

*****

At the general the grandson was born. To learn to whom it is similar, general
posylayet in maternity hospital adjyutanta.
-To you! - joyfully reports come back adjyutant.
-Now that's something like it! Report on a detail!
-of Granddaughters your bald, big-bellied, thinks nothing also all time
oret.

*****

At the general sprashivayut:
-What your favourite sport?
-Futbol
-A what kom@nda most of all is pleasant to you?
-Company rise!!!

*****

Each man surely will have a thought: "And on a horse-radish I married!", - also there is it for the first time, usually, for the second day of a vadba.

*****

At the cop sprashivayut:
-Here all crime will be exhausted where will work?
-B ensigns I will go...
-A general disarmament will come, military will not be necessary where will go?
-B fire...
-A nonflammable will invent new composite polymers, the fires will not become where will go? All the same I will do nothing
-A...

*****

The young paratrooper has the first jump. Did not consider a wind, carried it from airfield on a meadow. The old man grazing korov:
-Well, the sonny how the first jump approaches it?
-A you from where know, what the first? Yes look at
-, what at you on a bum a boot print!

*****

Young soldiers ask about the one who than was engaged to service. One speaks: "I am able to do a burbulyator". - Also asked a nail, a hammer and a new zinc bucket. Then punched many holes so the water poured in it it is very specific a zabulkala in a bucket. Having cursed the young soldier and having sent him on kitchen, the foreman threw out a bucket on a garbage can. In the same day to part there arrived the general. It was known of its arrival therefore everywhere the ideal order reigned. The general bypassed the territory and speaks:
-Everything at you is good, only I will not understand why threw out a new burbulyator on a garbage can?

*****

At one person the water supply system deteriorated. The plumber - the young boy, only after technical training college came to it... And the owner had a daughter - krasavitsa.
ona to the plumber and shepnula:
- The father of wine overseas Will pour - do not drink. Will promise money - do not take. And ask from it a tack rusty... With yourself carry and the happiness to you will be!...
prifigel the guy, but and made: repaired a water supply system, and from money refused a bottle, the tack took and left. And the owner embraced the daughter and speaks:
- The Good fellow, Anechka! Fine we its naye*al!
... And the call-up paper came in a week to the guy. But on medical board he told this story, showed a tack, doctors very quietly exchanged glances...
I was to IT HAPPINESS!

*****

At the private Ivanov the father died. The telegram came to part. The colonel calls the foreman and speaks:
-Listen, such business, you tell somehow Ivanov podelikatney.
starshina builds a company and grit:
- At whom fathers the STEP FORWARD are living. Ivanov! And TY KUDA PRESh!

*****

- You have normal temperature today, - told serzhant
ryadovogo, having touched it lob.
- And you will not tell what is exact? - asked sachok.
-Somewhere between a dress on kitchen and guard.

*****

At soldiers on the tank the caterpillar tore.... well they kolupatsya with it, and here the fairy... Asks them: And what you do it? Those to it in reply: Yes with a caterpillar еб#мся.... She speaks, and want on the present ебст#сь? Those: of course we want... It waved the magic stick and...... at them on the tank the tower fell off.....

*****

– The soldier has one thought!
-As one? And to have a snack?

*****

– We have a son - the child prodigy. in eleven years already graduated from school!
-I Of that?!
-a Of anything. in twelve in army took away...

*****

At the tank the caterpillar and crew flied try to put on it. Suddenly there is a fairy, sees this business and asks:
-Boys, and what you do?
soldaty with zlostyyu:
-Ebemsya!
-Boys, and want on the present?
soldaty: - Gy-gy-gy. We want!
vzmakhnula the fairy a magic wand and at the tank fell off a tower.

*****

At televizora:
- The Father and that military when go by a tribune, everything look to the right, and extreme among look forward?
-U them cervical osteochondrosis.

*****

Dear broadcast "Army Shop", writes you the private Petrov from rocket part of strategic forces. I very much want your leader Dana Borisova, and she does not want me! And after all depends on me, there will be a nuclear war or not! What to do to me? Tomorrow on watch …

*****

There left Vasily Ivanych Chapayev on increase courses for red commissioners for a month. To order a regiment in the absence left Petka. In a month is, causes Petku:
-Well dokladuy, che in my absence occurred?
-(having scratched a nape) yes che? NIChE!
-as, absolutely to a nicha?
-well..... about! The shovel was broken!
-Here, and che broke a shovel?
-well, dug a hole, broke lopatu.
- And a hole why dug?
-buried horses, dug a hole, broke lopatu.
-??? buried horses?
-well a stable burned down, horses died, buried horses, broke lopatu.
-What. uya the stable burned down? So the political leader the bull-calf threw
-, hay lit up, the stable burned down, horses died, buried horses, dug a hole, broke lopatu.
-Not pizdi, the political leader does not smoke!
-you will not light here, when a regiment banner spizdeli!!!

*****

Ukraine. 1942. The house on the region of the village. Knock at a door. Grandma sppashivayet.
-Hto there? Open
-, et mi paptisany.
- And skilk you boys?
-of Tsvantsikh...

*****

The corporal stays at resignation at nebolshoy
provintsialnoy hotel. And only began to be put to bed, kak
vdrug hears in the room to the left of himself hysterical female golos:
-Wait... wait... not so quickly! The same moment in the room to the right of it is distributed to
B a cry drugoy
zhenshchiny:
-Quicker... quicker... I beg you!
krov at the corporal begins to boil, it jumps from a bed and, udaryaya
po to a wall that of one, other room, krichit:
-Listen to my team, oh, damn! Time-two! Time-two! Time-two!.

*****

The lesson in military akademii:
prapor a speaks:
-corner of a raising of a tower of the Tank is equal 30 gradusov.
question from Auditorii:
-Sorry, and 30 degrees it CELSIUS or PO
FARENGEYTU?
prapor having scratched a forehead отвечает:
-pointed CELSIUS... Audience
V an amicable laughter, a prapor, pokrasnev
speaks:
-Well, and it is impossible to joke, of course PO
FARENGEYTU...

*****

Arranged armies of the different countries competition: whose soldier will gobble up more bread for raz.
vyshel the healthy American, devoured two loaves, and more - cannot. The Frenchman ate two loaves, a half of the third - any more cannot. The German ate already four bukhanki.
vyshel Russian, ate a quarter of a loaf - any more not mozhet.
vyzyvayet the Minister of Defence of the officer who chose this soldier, and shouts on nego:
-Whom you chose? Even I if I put pressure, can eat a loaf for time! opravdyvayetsya:
-Itself I do not know
ofitser that happened to the private Ivanov. In 10 minutes prior to competition we arranged it training, so it gobbled up 12 loaves!

*****

Morning construction. The frown company captiously examines a system of young replenishment. And here his look stops on the recruit without remnya.
-Companion soldier. Where your belt?
Ha that the soldier, is obvious from an intelligent family, but already slowly started mastering subtleties of an army lexicon, the voice seeking to cause understanding, raportuyet:
-Companion major. Spizdili.
-In army there is no such word of "spizdila", - company, and our soldier answers begins gradually from freckles to ears to blush, understanding that with so free formulation touched thin soul komandira.
no the following phrase company placed everything on mestam.
-In army there is a word "proye%at".

*****

Morning. Hotel. The captain approaches a window, opens... eb...!!!...
A there the Savanna, giraffes go, antelopes, rhinoceroses, zebras, lions...
-Navigator, where we?!
-B to Africa, kapitan.
- And how we came here?
-We did not come, and prileteli.
-Oh, a blyaaaaa... I also pilot!!!???

*****

In the morning the sergeant with a hangover builds vzvod.
- The Platoon, on the first or second, on h@y, rasschitays.
-Pervyy.
-Vtoroy.
-On h@y.
-?! To set aside.

*****

In the morning the sergeant reported on the company commander that the private Foster umer
v gospitale.
-It was the real net! - the commander told - After all emu
udalos to get out of a course of initial preparation.

*****

The officer on service leaves, and the head hurts him. He asks a tablet from the wife. The wife gives it a tablet, he drinks it and leaves. Here the wife notices with horror that by mistake gave it a contraceptive tablet. In the evening the husband comes, and she admits to him the mistake. The husband and speaks:
-I watch That, me all day have, and me all on a fig!

*****

The district police officer talks to the grandfather, malicious samogonshchikom.
-Nikitich, stop driving!
-Drove, I drive and to drive budu.
-we Will put to hell! The Son to drive
-budet.
- And we will put him!
-Grandson budet.
- And grandson!
- And then I will already leave!

*****

Doctrines. The plane with paratroopers flies. landing time approaches. On vypuske:
-Sidorov went!
-Ya three times jumped and never the parachute opened!
NU is shorter vytolknuli.
a at this moment passes meeting in collective farm of...
predsedatel:
-Yes how many, companions it will proceed? Cows not of a doyena, the milkmaid all in the decree, tractor operators eternally drunk...
strashny blow on kryshe.
predsedatel (the fallen voice)... and this paratrooper for @. l already

*****

The teacher - Vovochk's Vovochke:
-why you have in a dictation same mistakes how at your neigbour in a school desk Sidorova?
-So at us after all one teacher, Mar Ivanna!

*****

February 23. Two podrostka:
-Presented that?
-Yes. And I will not go in armiyu.
-Because of a gift? stepeni.
-Give some
-B konkretney.
-I Wake up. The mother on watch, sends SMS: "I congratulate. A gift in a case on the top shelf in a yellow box". I open a case, I look at the top shelf of boxes fully, and yellow is not present. VOT.
-I do not drive! Why will not take in army?
-Colour-blind person I.

*****

On February 23, after a grandiose wine party the general wakes up. Otkryvayet
glaza also sees that the aide-de-camp cleans his oblevanny single-breasted coat, what as-to
skryt confusion the general speaks:
-Here youth went, absolutely are not able to drink! Yesterday some leytenantik
mne all single-breasted coat poured!
adyyutant:
-is exact, companion general!!! Absolutely grew insolent!!! It to you also in shtany
nasral!!!

*****

Physics and Technology faculty. Military chair. Mayor:
-Companion student, why with a beard?
-E... Yes here, companion major, is pleasant to the girl, speaks, tickles priyatno.
-Well, well, if there is nothing to tickle more - carry!

*****

Financiers, firefighters and cops arranged competition who will drive in the earth more cable columns in a day. At the end of day it became clear,
chto financiers drove 75 columns, firefighters - 91,
A cops - only 3. When asked them as so, cops chorus otvetili:
-So after all not completely them drove others!

*****

Naval axiom: if the subject moves - salute it if does not move - paint it!

*****

Phobos soil laid down on a bottom of the Pacific Ocean!
ranshe were guilty of everything Jews, now, a bough, the American radar is guilty of everything. Though... if to remember, how many Jews went from us to America, in this version something is...

*****

- Fritz, what such for the Aryan party of the Fuhrer?
-Mother, mister ober-leytenant.
- And Fuhrer? The Father, the mister ober-leytenant.
- And what you would wish to make
-for them?
-to Remain the orphan!

*****

Charts of phrases after which you will be taken away at once in armiyu:
- The Goat, you, the dean and your wife - the silly woman!
-I have no 3000 dollars, companion military commissar!
-Companion colonel, I did not know that it is your daughter!
-I will not cry, I am a boy!

*****

Cold autumn night. Ice heavy rain wall. Dirt champs. Five martinets conduct on execution of the little man. One soldier taps of him on the shoulder, and speaks:
-to You it is good, and to us still to come back...