Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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The disabled grandfather without hand on a zavalinka sits, a papiroska smokes. Approaches it vnuchok:
v: The grandfather, it to you during war tore off a hand?
D: Yes, vnuchek.
v: Tell as?
D: Yes when in a military registration and enlistment office dragged...

*****

The marine in a hairdressing salon sits, strizhyotsya.
-Where you serve? asks parikmakher.
-In marines!
parikmakher diligent works with scissors. After a while again asks:
-So, I'm sorry, where you sluzhite
-In marines!! - the Marine answers. The hairdresser again works. In a minute asks:
-Well - with, sorry, where you after all serve?
-B pestilence-r-rskoy to infantry!!! - accurately Morpekh.
- No-no, well you answers, calm down for God's sake, - continuing to work with scissors, exclaims parikmakher.
-Simply when you speak "in marines",
volosy at you bristle and much more convenient to cut them.

*****

The recruit on a porch of barracks sits and a screw-driver perforates a bucket bottom. Passes by praporshchik:
-That you do? Bulbulyator I make
-!
-??? You Pour
-in a water bucket, and it follows - Boole, Boole, bul.
prapor became angry, banished the soldier, kicked with a foot a bucket and left. There passes by general:
-Weather disgusting, a medal did not give and here still a new bulbulyator threw out!

*****

The soldier in an entrenchment sits, misses. And round any enemy it is not visible. Whether the soldier got up and looked there comes an enemy, and saw in the distance the enemy tank. Well the soldier thought: "the tank still far, I will hammer a cigarette with a grass." Well also killed soldiers a rate. Finished smoking half of cigarettes, rose looked at the tank still far. Well thinks I will finish smoking up to the end. Finished smoking, rose, looked and the tank already before it. The soldier takes a shovel, aims in the tank, and shouts: Bach Bach Bach. From the tank the figure is shown and so parting hands too shouts: bums bums bums.

*****

The soldier on a parade-ground sits and something draws. By there are praporshchik:
-You that here do?
-Yes here, the battalion commander ordered a picture for club narisovat.
praporshchik looked, having inclined golovu:
-Well-well! Draw!. Mozart.

*****

- Sidorov! Again rose in a system the last! Two extra duties!
-Companion foreman, and where logic? After all someone has to get up in a system the last?
-A of the logician, Sidorov, that someone has to peel potatoes in kitchen!

*****

Sit 3 VDV-shnika at kostra:polyak, the German and the Russian, and begin hvastatsya
polyak:-I here I can put, jump off a company of soldiers from 1000 meters with a parachute, float 200km!!!
nemets:-I two companies of soldiers can put, jump off from 2000 meters and float 300km!!!
... and the Russian answered nothing....
tolko hu@m coals prevented.

*****

Three sit at a fire: English seal, American zelenyy
beret and our paratrooper. Drink, have a snack. Having fairly gathered, the seal gets up and zayavlyaet:
-I can float 100 meters under water, battle to a platoon of the enemy,
otstrelyat 50 on 50 in Macedonian and in the same way, safe, vernutsya
domoy.
-Zeleny the beret shouts supposedly a hogwash it. I can float polkilometra
pod water, lay a company of the enemy, shoot 100 on 100 in Macedonian and in the same way, safe, to return domoy.
-Nichego the Russian paratrooper did not answer. Only rose and moved h*em
ugli...

*****

Soldiers in a dugout sit here the foreman runs in and shouts: THERE IN the ENTRENCHMENT the NURSE GIVES ALL!!!!
ODIN from soldiers: and in a mouth?
starshina: is not present the head a shell tore off.

*****

The lieutenant, the major sit at a table and general.
leytenant:
-I got acquainted with such beautiful girl yesterday, drove it in theater, took home, looked at stars. Today again I will be with it gulyat.
mayor:
- And I in a tavern got acquainted yesterday with such telka, came to it home, all made. Today I will not go to a tavern, I will take a bubble and at once to ney.
general listened, slushal:
- And I so well pokakat yesterday...

*****

Three ensigns sit, thump. One solved pokhvastatsya.
- At my wife an ass, in! Sits on a chair, from all directions hangs down!
VTOROY:
-Well and that, at mine on a half of measure hangs down...
trety in zadumchivosti.
- And at yours that? There is nothing to brag?
TOT otorvashis from mysley:
- And at mine... that is and - kiye eyes... Blue-blue!
Te udivlenno:
-So we about asses?
-Here and I about that! The rest at it an ass!

*****

- Tell, since what moment you began to be fond of parachuting?
-Frankly speaking as soon as saw that burns also the second engine...

*****

- How many? - cheerfully the young soldier at simpatichnoy
devitsy, standing in the doorway of a small otdelchik on Colleen Street,
vblizi Square Pigal.
-asks Fifty francs...
-C pleasure!
-Ah, with pleasure? Then hundred francs!

*****

- How many it will be required to you to learn to fly? Definitely I do not know
-, approximately sem-vosem.
-Months?
-of Planes.

*****

- Listen and how you managed to otkosit from army?
-Was lucky. Sent me to the psychiatrist. That long inquired me, and then in the column "Mental Deviations" wrote: "Likes to watch "Notice" and Petrosyan".

*****

Heard in army.
vo Peter I's times on military production catastrophically there was no metal. Therefore Petr removed a huge bell from some cathedral and sent it for melting. War terminated, and priests came to ask to Petr a bell back, on what the written answer was received: "And hu * not to give mine to you?". Priests took offense and left. However at the time of Catherine II's board they again came to the palace, showed Petr's answer and asked to resolve this situation. Ekaterina took Petr's answer and added below: "And I as the woman, and I cannot offer it to you".

*****

- You heard, the president will raise since new year wages voyennym
v 2 times?
-Of course heard, and even saw a leaf with surnames of these military...

*****

- Look, what terrible ugly face is painted on a nose etogo
bombardirovshchika.
-Silently! This is the commander of a regiment leaned out of a cabin!

*****

The ensign of soldiers and speaks:
tovarishchi soldiers collected, on the tank the handheld transceiver broke. Who can repair?
ODIN from soldiers asks: and a handheld transceiver on what - on bulbs or on semiconductors? Especially tupogolovy I repeat
praporshchik:
for: a handheld transceiver on the tank!

*****

The company of pilots with wives gathered. Men all about motors yes o
motorakh. Wives at last not vyderzhivayut:
-About what you then in airfield fray?
-Yes all about women, about women...

*****

Gathered primitive for hunting. Came. Saw tolpu
mamontov and became puzzled. Then one speaks:
-Well che swelled up a little? Shcha we jump out with cries, otbivayem
odnogo and we wet a mammoth from herd. Forward!
Tak appeared komandiry.
vyskochili, beat off a mammoth, and he was washed away in the wood. Stoyat
vse, do not know: what to do? Then one speaks:
-Let's surround the wood and we will meet to seredine:
tut and a mammoth naydem.
tak there were chiefs shtabov.
okruzhili, met, found a mammoth, and are afraid to approach -
sovsem flew into a rage, rushes about extensively. Then odin
vyskakivayet also throws a spear directly to a mammoth in glaz.
tak appeared snaypery.
pritashchili to the flourish in a cave and got to sleep. Utrom
prosypayutsya - a mammoth net.
tak there were ensigns.

*****

Meeting on monthly results. Dokladchik:
"the lieutenant Sidorov had family problems, but to them skhodili
mayor Ivanov and the ensign Petrov and now at Sidorov problem
net, they gave birth to the child..."

*****

The Soviet industry still when mastered release of cubes of Rubik for the Soviet Army: for younger officers - monochrome, and for the senior - monolithic.

*****

The countries of the Warsaw contract confer. Livii
gumanitapnuyu decided to give help the food. There is a prime minister of Bolgapii.
-We will send 10 000 boxes pomidop.
- And what for?
-Yes packing special there: from lead. Here also there will be to you from chego
puli lit.
vstayet a prime minister of Rumynii.
-We will send 10 000 boxes oguptsov.
- And what for?
-Yes an upavkovka special there: from good steel. Will be from nee
avtomaty delat.
vstayet predsovmina CCCP.
- And we will send 20 000 yaits.
-That, too packing special?
-Packing fine: blue berets and boots.

*****

Sodaty:
-Tovarishch the ensign, and it is possible we will go to the room for rest and we will watch TV?
PRAPOR:
-pointed!!! Go, look, only do not include

*****

The soldier returned from army to the hometown. Early utro.
idet it on even empty main and, in principle, to the only street, the joyful inspired such... Spring, whether know!
podkhodit to flower palatke:
-Hello, the aunt Manya!
-Oh, Vanyusha, in any way from army returned! And grew up as! Give
-A to me, aunts Manya, the biggest and beautiful rose...
-of Eeee... You for Katki chtol?
-For it! Well as if to tell
-to you... she is married, generally, Wan...
-.................................... To go nuts!...... Give two!!

*****

The soldier returned from investigation and dokladyvayet:
-Found not destroyed most.
-Tanks will pass? The Cavalry will pass
-Proydut.
-?
-Perhaps proydet.
-Means, and the infantry will pass? The Infantry will not pass
-, the companion kapitan.
-As it can be?
-Tam is attached a vicious dog.

*****

The soldier comes back to barracks drunk, and towards to him general
idet.
-It is possible, I through you will pass? - asks the general soldat.
-Pass, only on one, - the general answers him.

*****

The soldier comes back from a self-feed. He is met requirements by the general. The soldier gives it chest:
-Health I wish, companion major!
general with astonishment speaks:
-What I to you the major, you see, what I have stripes, a wreath from leaves oak on a cockarde? Of
soldat oblegchenno:
-Foots, you frightened me the forester...

*****

The soldier with enthusiasm dokladyvayet:
- The Sergeant! I just noticed some soldier of the opponent of wons in that wood!
-is excellent, - the sergeant speaks. - Go there and capture all!
-Ya is ready, the sergeant. But if you see group running from the wood after a while, I beg, do not shoot at the first!

*****

The soldier - girl:
-Well, here, in a couple of minutes the train leaves. And I will go to serve...
-Ya I will wait for you, darling!
-is not necessary, go home, I long will not be.

*****

The soldier deserter, running away from military patrol, sees the conventual and asks for permission to hide at her under a skirt. After the patrol rushes by, the soldier thanks monakhinyu:
-Sorry, I simply do not want to be lost in Chechnya. By the way, could not but notice: at you very strong nogi.
-If you looked above, would see also strong eggs: I too do not want to perish in Chechnya...

*****

The soldier, having fairly touched, hardly reached barracks and fell down in a cesspool. It from there with great difficulty was pulled out and brought in chuvstvo.
-Well, you also are good! And deeply you failed?
-Knee-deep!
-A, what you could not get out from there?
-A I fell headfirst!

*****

The soldier-fireman of the first year of service, at himself in a kochegkarka, nakidat coal in a fire chamber, took a sheet of paper, put the end in an oven, pulled out, extinguished, smoothed, writes on it:
-Dear mother and father! I write you from the burning tank.

*****

The soldier dreams to be a general. The lieutenant - the colonel. The captain - the major.

*****

The soldier addressed in a medical unit. The doctor examined his hand and speaks:
-That happened?
-Yesterday, - were answered by the soldier, - I came back from dismissal, и
кто stepped to me on a hand!

*****

The soldier appealed to the commander about holiday on its etiology zheny.
-I would not begin you to refuse, the private Smith, - the colonel told, - but the matter is that I just received the letter from your wife,
V which she asks to be more indulgent to you and at the same time reports that feels prekrasno.
soldat saluted, turned and went to a door. On a threshold it stopped and, having turned to the chief, said:
-In our regiment, the sir, is two desperate brekhun. And one of them - I as I am not married.

*****

The soldier addresses to praporshchiku:
-Companion ensign, I suggest to destroy all documents more than 10-year, then at us in archive the Excellent idea will be released much mesta.
-! Carry out. But for reliability before destruction do not forget to remove a photocopy.

*****

The soldier turned a mug upside down and approaches to praporshchiku:
-Look, what glass: iron, and top zapayan.
-Wow and here also the bottom is not present!