Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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- The private Krivoruchko why did not put on a gas mask?
-Yes cold at me, all the same I will feel nothing.

*****

The private Momens was called to komandiru:
-by Momens, why yesterday in dismissal, walking in a zoo, vy
brosili the grenade with tear gas intended for
razgona demonstrations in a reservoir with crocodiles?
-Ya wanted to see at last crocodile tears, the sir, - otvetil
lyubitel biology.

*****

- The private Nichiporov, answer, what communication the best?
-Emmm.... Mobile?!
-Dal-Ba-Yob!!!
-Why?
-Because Dolboyeb!!! I remember Svetka, the radio operator, used to say: "the best communication is sexual! And the bottom %% can etyet, and

*****

The private appealed to the sergeant to grant it leave,
tak as his wife in the letter very much asks to arrive it domoy.
-you that, put the wife above the service to the country? - with sarkazmom
zametil serzhant.
-Listen, the sergeant, - the soldier answered, - tens millionov
lyudey care of my country, but I am the only person,
kotoromu my wife is rather dear.

*****

The private Heimerdinger wrote the letter of mother. "Food here - nastoyashchaya
otrava, - he complained and then added: - Also give it ochen
malenkimi in the portions".

*****

- The private, you well wiped dust on a window sill?
-So for sure.
- And if I now a finger write on it the word?
-to me your literacy, mister lieutenant

*****

- The private Petrov to fail! You again got drunk yesterday. If do not saw, long ago would be serzhantom.
-Yes to spit to me on the sergeant! I when will drink, the general I feel.

*****

The private Petrov to fail!
-Is!
-Take off trousers... Take off pants... And so, companions soldiers, Maupassant was yobary, peretrakhat all women, and what short stories wrote! Tchaikovsky, was a gay person, and what operas wrote! And the private Petrov grew h@y to a knee, and the letter of mother cannot write.

*****

- The private Petrov why it is necessary to close one eye when you aim from a rifle?
-Because if to close both eyes, the purpose will not be visible.

*****

–Private Petrov!You stand on a post And notice that to You the person creeps up. your actions? I will allocate for
-Our battalion commander home.

*****

- Private Polovoy!
-Ya!
-to Wash up floors!
-Is! And than? What
-Tryapkoy.
-?
-Polovoy.
-Ya!.

*****

The private Rabinovich as always shot back on the line best of all, then overcame the first an obstacle course, then cut down three hand-to-hand fight instructors. The sergeant on postroyenii:
-Here, soldiers! Follow an example of Rabinovich - the bad soldier, and tries!

*****

- The private Rabinovich what you undertake steps if appear odin
na one with the opponent?
-Big!

*****

- The private Rabinovich, you will begin cleaning of the machine gun with him?
-In the beginning I will carefully check its number incidentally not to clean someone else's machine gun.

*****

Private Semenov! You why are not shaven?
-U us in a wash basin is not enough place, we jammed there in the morning seven people. And I, whether not there shaved, whether not that person shaved... Itself I will not understand!

*****

- The private Sidorov, you why stick out in barracks? I told you - to water beds! So after all a rain, a thunder-storm … I for what you a raincoat cape gave out
-to
-A?!

*****

- The private, be enough scrap and sweep a parade-ground!
-Companion ensign, so after all is pure not budet.
-So to me pokh that will not be pure, the main thing - that you z@eb@lsya.

*****

The private Shaw was hauled up on the carpet to nachalniku.
-to you is what to tell before I expel you from army? - finished a rating ofitser.
-As about my promotion, the sir?

*****

To the private Smith ordered to clean a bucket kartoshki.
-In our space age in army already there has to be a car for
chistki potatoes, - muttered Smit.
-Of course, and you represent its latest model, - otvetil
serzhant.

*****

- With you all in an order, - soothingly was told by the military doctor called k
soldatu, ached in holiday time. - Health at you excellent, and puls
byetsya as chasy.
-Ho, the sir, you hold a hand as time on my hours.

*****

Since 2008 our army will finally pass on contract sistemu.
zaklyuchit the contract a debt of each citizen who reached a 18-letnego
vozrast....

*****

With the Defender of the Fatherland Day you, Vova!
DA is fine, fathers, maybe, I still will arrive...

*****

With inspection check there arrived the general to army. Bypassed vse
roda the troops built on a parade-ground and in summary approaches k
intendantam:
- And it that for a type of military forces with red necks and white shoulder straps?
-Quartermasters, - the companion general.
-Steal, brothers, ponemnozhku.
-Ur. and. and. and.!

*****

- With what cleaning of the machine gun begins?
-C of its check nomera.
- And what for?
-incidentally not to clean someone else's machine gun...

*****

The most usual medical board in a military registration and enlistment office. Conducts reception dermatolog.
-Come, young chelovek.
-Turn spinoy.
-Move apart Nagnites.
-yagoditsy.
-you that, smoke?
-A that, a smoke goes?

*****

Samovolshchik tells the priyatelyu:
-Suddenly I see - at the corner there is a military police officer and looks na
menya so as if at me is not present uvolnitelnoy.
- And what you made? Looked at
-Ya at it so as if I have it.

*****

Plane, height 10km. Suddenly from loudspeakers razdayetsya:
-Misters, and are pilots here?
Bce slowly turn pale...
-Not to the stsyta of the Lord, of course is! You are welcomed by the commander of the aircraft colonel Prokopenko!

*****

The plane comes in the land. The stewardess asks all passengers to fasten belts. One sits, shivers, all in sweat. The stewardess approached to nemu:
-it is not necessary to be afraid, everything will be excellent. You simply, probably, never flew in the plane!
-Flew! Here only I land thus for the first time. I am a paratrooper...

*****

The plane decreases and comes in the land. One of passengers, the young man, sitting in a chair, tightens a belt with such fear on a face that the stewardess considers necessary it uspokoit:
-you be not nervous, the landing goes normally. You, probably, the first time fly?
-O is not present! - the frightened passenger answers. But I for the first time land thus. I am a parachutist.

*****

The most confidential decree of the President is called "About providing though any defense capability of the country at 5 o'clock in the morning on January 1 every year".

*****

Sanitary inspection in army:
-What measures you take for water disinfection?
-Kipyatim.
-A still?
-After that filtruyem.
- And further?
-A is farther not to risk, we drink beer.

*****

- San, chyo hmurny such? Da Marinc's
-, the bride, from army did not wait for me... B@ya, two weeks do
dembelya remained!
-Here su-u-u-uka... Well nichyo, you will arrive - You will insert on very best! Da's
-chyo to go? It already here. At day

*****

Sardinka saw the submarine and in fear swam up to mame.
-be not afraid, the daughter, it only bank with people.

*****

Sasha never washes the things even usual powder, potomu
chto Sashina things are washed now by Pasha! Fall draft: v
lyubom a place is more cheerful together!

*****

The report proishestviy:
lopata without shank, the small group of ashes and two rubber soles tried to snatch a high-voltage cable.

*****

The operator-ensign rings a door, it is opened by the commander's wife okrugom.
- The Commander ordered to install in your apartment one more telephone set. Where we will put? - asks praporshchik.
-Yes where want - though in a bathroom. All the same will order to rearrange.

*****

Today on demonstrations, group of OMON dispersed crowd of communists to the speed of 70 km/h!

*****

- Today the Russian Space Agency flooded Mir station. Bolshiye
oskolki were reduced from an orbit and are flooded in the Pacific Ocean. Small oskolki
sgoreli at an entrance to dense beds of the atmosphere. And now our astronauts...
B%Ya, ASTRONAUTS

*****

Today on a central square the crowd of masochists and group of OMON faced. Still never those, not others did not take such great pleasure!