Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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Good night!
praporshchik passed by a bunk room in barracks and uslykhat voices and smekh.
on put the head in a door and zaoral:
-I, apparently, told you "good night", and it means "STOP UP ЕБ%#@*&КИ And of HE ПИ&$@ТЕ!!!", clearly?!
golos from kubrika:
-is clear, companion ensign, good night...

*****

The general () asks the recruit (N):
(G) - And explain to me why you decided to enter army?
(H) - Well, first it is necessary to protect the Homeland from vragov.
() - Ta-ak, well!
(H) - Secondly, the service in army will make of me real muzhchinu.
() - Correctly, and what thirdly?
(H) - And thirdly, a pancake, nobody asked my consent!

*****

Two submarines - the Russian and amerikanskaya.
vsplyli face in Atlantic, captains got out on bridges. The American shouts v
megafon:
-Who are you?!
russkiy:
-Who h@y?! I?! The central post - torpedo attack!!!

*****

Trying not to rustle, the company of Estonian scouts was stolen to the opponent's staff. Residents of all neighboring villages came to look at it!

*****

The old pilot sprashivayut:
-Petrovich, you 65, blind, deaf how you fly?
-Yes that there, the wife for work brings me, and there the navigator meets, took by an arm and medical control led to pass, well and departed.
-As it? And take-off? Same it is difficult! After all SILT-62.
-Yes that there, gave it gas he vzletayet.
- And MOSCOW-KHABAROVSK same knows a horse-radish where.
-A the navigator for what? He tells me "Petrovi?-to the right", "Petrovi?-to the left", we reach, koroche.
-Well, and landing??? Honor with
-everything automatic equipment, of course at a final stage I take a steering wheel in hand and I wait when the second pilot tells: "Now this blind PI * DA will kill us! "Here I smoothly gather additionally
VOT a steering wheel on myself....

*****

The foreman enters barracks after a release and sees that nobody spit.
-On my team: to close eyes! To set aside! I do not hear click.

*****

The foreman built young popolneniye:
-you at me will work, work at a parade-ground and once again to work!
-A as about "To study, learn and to study once again"? - someone from stroya.
-cried out It who told?
-It told Lenin.
-Well, and you, the private Lenin, I will send to a dress, to a dress and once again to a dress!

*****

The foreman built soldiers on a parade-ground and skomandoval:
-If there are in a system artists - two steps forward!
vyshli two. Starshina:
-Take couple of axes and that by a dinner drew a woodpile of firewood in a kapterka!

*****

The foreman speaks soldatam:
-Yesterday I found on a bedside table door naked zhenshchinu.
silami a dress we tore off it and put on a table in kantselyarii.
vecherom I come into office - the naked woman on a table net.
tak here if in 20 minutes on a table in office the naked woman does not lie, the 1st, 2nd and 3rd bedside tables will not go to dismissal tomorrow!

*****

The foreman instructs uvolnyaemykh:
-Socks at the military personnel have to be blue or black. I
pokazyvayet: one foot in a blue sock, another - in black.

*****

The foreman, the fan of "cheerful cigarettes", constructed a company, gave out to everyone on a cigarette, after a horst of hemp and speaks:
-I Count up to five. Who during this time will hammer a jamb, to that 10 days otpuska.
1,2,3,4,5 are QUIET!
prokhodit along a system, everything on an outstretched arm hold ideally hammered jambs, and only one soldier costs - hands on seams and so thoughtfully somewhere in a distance smotrit.
-A you that?
-A I already at home …

*****

The foreman bypasses a platoon novobrantsev:
- At you what education?
-7 klassov
-About! Remarkably! And at you?
-MSU...
-Well you that low! You though are able to read?

*****

The foreman bypasses a system of beginners and preduprezhdayet:
-it is necessary to you hardly, children. The surname at me Volkov, but I is at heart even more evil. So I advise not to exasperate me. And now let's get acquainted. What is your surname, ordinary? Little, korotkostrizheny soldier confusedly molchit.
-Well, more safely! I am Volkov, and you? Do not force me to repeat question .
- The Private Volkogonov, companion foreman, - having taken courage, the soldier reports.

*****

The foreman bypasses a system novobrantsev:
-So, you have what education?
-Seven classes!
-is good!
-A at you?
-MSU!
-of That you low, to read though you are able?

*****

The foreman of one of military units made discovery on which scientists work some years, having combined space over time: having ordered to soldiers to dig a trench from a fence till a lunch!

*****

The foreman constructed a company of recruits and asks, there are li
sredi them artists. Left dvoye.
-Take in a kapterka a saw, two axes and by a dinner narisuyte
polennitsu firewood! - the foreman instructed them.

*****

The foreman constructed the soldier, that monetary dovolstviye
razdat.
-Ivanov!
-Ya!
-of 1200 rubles, receive, raspishis.
-Petrov!
-Ya!
-of 1250 rubles, receive, raspishis.
-Total! Where it failed, the fool? It is given most, and it kak
skvoz the earth...

*****

The foreman gives classes on front podgotovke:
-Equal! Quietly! To set aside! Equal! Quietly! To set aside! Companions soldiers! Let's train until I hear click at turn of the head to the right, Clearly? Equal! Quietly! More vigorously! I do not hear click!

*****

- The foreman, allow to address!
-Address! That will we have
-for breakfast?
-Perlovka.
-A for lunch?
-Tozhe.
-A for dinner?
-of the Dinner will not be!
-A that will be?
-Lecture "About Tasty and Healthy Food".

*****

The foreman of a company gives out an allowance to soldiers, calling them po
spisku in the sheet. In the end it krichit:
-Private Total!
stroy molchit.
-Private Total!
soldaty are silent. The foreman spitted out and speaks:
-Here the fool. It is necessary most, but does not respond.

*****

The foreman growls before stroyem:
-Married on the left, bachelors napravo.
iz a system question :
- And blue where will order?
-Directly for me staaanovis!

*****

The foreman collects a company and Khabibulin sets questions:
-! What color my uniform?
-of Colour of a grass, companion foreman. Green!
-is correct. Nalivayko! What color barracks?
-of Colour of a stone, companion foreman. Gray!
-is correct, Pigeons! And what color my teeth?
-of Colour of a parade-ground, companion foreman!
-is correct, Pigeons therefore I take a toothbrush and I go to brush teeth, and you take a toothbrush and go to clean a parade-ground!

*****

The foreman costs at a mirror and raschesyvayetsya.
-Something hair at me to drop out stali.
-Anything surprising. On spring all creature fades, - speaks
emu the soldier.

*****

Starshina.
strelyat it is necessary diligently natselyas. Incidentally in the purpose popadayut
tolko spermatozoa.

*****

Starshina:
"it is necessary to Shoot diligently natselyas. Incidentally in the purpose popadayut
tolko spermatozoa".

*****

Starshina:
-Companion soldier, you are able to swim?
SOLDAT:
-Is so exact!
starshina:
-Where you learned it?
SOLDAT:
-In water, companion ensign!

*****

The foreman teaches the soldier to throw manual granatu.
-a ring Here. As will pull, the grenade will hiss. Then brosayte.
nu, pull for a ring!
-Hisses! Throw
-! Catch
-, companion foreman!

*****

- Stand who goes? The
-, with a bottle! The
-, pass! Bottle, stop!

*****

The cost of the latest American to Istra %% the tel larded by electronics already almost reached the cost of laying of kilometer of asphalt in Moscow!

*****

There is a man on duty in barracks. Around purity, and on a floor lies a stub. The colonel comes, shows on a stub and is terrible asks:
-Whose? Not znayu.
-to Learn
-! The man on duty runs away to barracks, after a while resorts and dokladyvayet:
-Companion colonel, "old men" told that a stub nobody's. Can smoke.

*****

There is a militiaman on a post, the boy and asks:
- The Uncle the militiaman approaches it, tell, and why at you on a peak-cap hlyastik?
MENT accepts at once a proud pose and otvechayet:
-Understand the boy, here if there is a pursuit, and the uncle the militiaman will be to be driven for the criminal by the car, and it will be necessary to get out in a window leaf to shoot from the gun at the criminal, and here that the peak-cap did not fall down - I will dress hlyastik on a chin. Clearly to you boy?
-of Aaa is clear, and the father speaks that an e%alnik did not break off when in a whistle blows.

*****

There is a militiaman, uses foul language, a row small malchik.
podkhodyat lyudi:
-it is bad to use foul language at children - govoryat.
-Yes me this boy already за#$%л! He already the third time approaches me and offers wiped %% to at it to a knot. It, you see needs a militia dog...

*****

Costs on a post of soldiers.... (I do not speak in guard :-))
prokhodit by the major and speaks:
-Well, the soldier, you cost? I Cost
-!
-A you had breakfast today?
-NET.
-Will go the lieutenant colonel will tell that zavtrakal.
-Is so exact, I will tell! podpolkovnik:
-you Cost
prokhodit, soldiers?
-Stoyu.
-A you had breakfast today?
-Zavtrakal.
-A had dinner?
-Is not present, not obedal.
- There Will be a colonel - will tell that obedal.
-Is so exact, I will tell! polkovnik:
-you Cost to
prokhodit soldiers?
-Stoyu.
-A you had breakfast today?
-Zavtrakal.
-A had dinner?
-Obedal.
-A had supper?
-Is not present, not uzhinal.
- There Will be a general - will tell that uzhinal.
-Is so exact, I will tell!
NU and at last goes general:
-Well, the soldier, stand!? That me to do
-A to comrade the general, GOT DRUNK AND I COST to MYSELF...

*****

Costs soldiers on a post! Conducts service! The ensign also asks
podkhodit: "What you cost soldiers?" - "So precisely I stand! "
" You had breakfast today?" - "Is not present in any way! "
" Shchas the major will go, will tell that had breakfast!" - "I will so precisely tell! "
IDET major: "Tell the soldier, you had breakfast today?" - "So precisely! "
" A had dinner?" - "Is not present in any way! "
" Shchas the colonel will go, will tell that had dinner!" - "So precisely, I will tell! "
IDET colonel: "Fine the soldier, you had breakfast today?" - "So precisely! "
" A had dinner?" - "Nuuuu... so precisely, had dinner! "
" A had supper?" - "Is not present in any way! "
" And so, now will go the general with check, God grant you will blurt out something!" - "So precisely I will tell everything as it is necessary! "
IDET the general, gets from teeth of a grist of meat: "Well che the soldier, you stand? "
soldat looked at it and speaks: "Yes here NAZhRALSYa and STOYU!!!:-)"

*****

There is a senior warrant officer in shape at a mirror having covered shoulder straps hands
-So it seems full debil.
opuskayet ruki
- And so - the senior warrant officer.

*****

There are on the hill three athletes and before them a horde, hundred thousand... Alyosha popvich:
-Yes here I as from onions will fire, so the horde floor at once and will lie down... Afterwards molvit:
- And I as a mace will wave
dobrynya, so the second half will lie down...
ILYA Muromets:
-Well, popizdet and jumped from here...

*****

There are soldiers on a parade-ground. Serzhant:
-Artists are? Two steps forward to fail!
PYAT of people vyshli.
-Around! March for gate - to dig a hole the letter "gy"!
chetvero turned and went, and one ostalsya.
-You why remained?
-A I - not hudozhnik.
- And who you are?
-A I - fotograf.
-A- And, you are a photographer? Then go and increase this hole twice! The others will remain and will continue doctrines.

*****

Front review in the Scottish army...
KAPRAL:
-Soldat! Why the skirt is ten centimeters longer, than it is necessary under the charter?!
SOLDAT:
-A as think?

*****

The student periodically is late for lectures. Professor irritably asks:
-you did military service?
student:
-Yes.
professor:
-Well and what were told you by the foreman when you were late for construction? "Health I wish
student:
-, mister lieutenant!"