Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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The lieutenant home all such tousled comes in the morning. Only undressed to sleep to lay down how the wife wakes up, attentively watches at it and asks:
- And why it at you lipstick on pants?
-was In the guardhouse! Sleep!.

*****

The woman comes to militia and speaks: - Me iznasilovali.
serzhant: - And how old are you?
zhenshchina: - Forty dva.
serzhant (itself under a nose): - For a long time most it is time to give...

*****

The man in security agentstvo.
- And what, - ask comes to get a job, - You have an education? Courses of cutting and shitya.
- And what you such can do by
-to us useful?
-Well as... I can sew, I can cut out...

*****

The guy comes to a military registration and enlistment office and speaks:
-I want to serve in flote.
- And you though are able to swim? That, you the ships have no
-A?

*****

The guy comes to a military registration and enlistment office and declares voyenkomu:
-I cannot do military service. I - gomoseksualist.
- And you prove!
-Here my passport. I am 28 years old - and еб#л I all of you in an ass!

*****

The letter comes to a military registration and enlistment office on October 1. "to 28 me already, kiss me in..."

*****

The notice comes to a regiment that at the soldier Ivanov the father died. The colonel causes kapitana:
-In Ivanov the father died. Report to him about it more delicately that what troubles not nadelal.
postroil the company and skomandoval:
-who has a captain the father - a step forward! Ivanov, and you where prt?

*****

The ensign home comes in the evening and tells zhene:
-
-let's Guzzle! Wait, darling, I was so tired, in a day never prisela.
praporshchik regretted the wife, and forced it to sit down three hundred times.

*****

The ensign home comes and speaks zhene:
-starts guzzling davay.
Wife zhalovatsya:
-oh I was so tired, all day I work, never sat down.
praporshchik regretted the wife and forced it to sit down 200 times.

*****

The ensign home comes, starts undressing - and suddenly the wife speaks emu:
- At you on pants lipstick...
Ha that a prapor with a sour mine otvechayet:
-Yes, was in the guardhouse.

*****

The recruit from army comes to otkashivat. The doctor how it is necessary, asks:
-Well - with, what is the matter? Know
-, the doctor, I see only moving predmety.
- And how you reached here? I the head wound
-A...

*****

Physics and Technology faculty to the chief of a medical unit comes. That asks it, in chem
delo.
-Here, a stomach bolit.
-You that, the doctor? From where you know where you have a stomach! From here!
Ha other day, the same and there zhe.
-Well, what?
-Here (points a finger himself at a stomach) bolit.
-Hm. Was unwell, perhaps?
-Yes vrode.
-Well, go. It is released from front for three days.

*****

The dude comes to a military registration and enlistment office, says, what he would like to serve in flote.
- And you are able to swim?
-to Float? You that, have no ships?

*****

The dude with dollars comes to a military registration and enlistment office. Passed the commission - it recognized suitable. Enters an office of the military commissar and plaintively umolyaet:
-I Bought dollars, so they fell off. Worked as the insurance agent, so in all campaign became twice a blsha of insured events and campaign was ruined, the higher education institution where arrived was closed, as well as the hospital where I obsledovalsya.
mozhet will be better if I do not go to army?
-Well for excuses? You will go to army, the scout. Now only I will call the general, he will tell me in whose.

*****

I came to receive the military ID last spring. After military chair of our valorous. I come into a military registration and enlistment office. In total as it is necessary, will clasp on everything pugovichki.
podtyanut all affairs. I am knocked on an office to a rear rat and we begin obshchatsya:
-Companion major, allow to address?
-Prokhodi.
-Sergeant Igor. for obtaining the military ID pribyl.
- And that you "companion" that called me? You know that "companions" of all in 1991 cancelled?! Forgive to
-? And how it is necessary?
-Mister!
-A you know, what "misters" of all in 1917 shot?
pokrasnel major, eyes vypuchil.
-Get out! I Obey
-.

*****

The husband the military home came, undresses. Wife:
- At you on pants - lipstick!?
-Yes... was in the guardhouse.

*****

The guy came to a military registration and enlistment office in army prizyvatsya.
ego sprashivayut:
-Whom in army want to be?
ON otvechayet:
-Letchikom.
v a military registration and enlistment office decided to meet requirements of the fellow. Sent it to learn to fly,
NO at it turned out nothing. And here again cause it in a military registration and enlistment office and govoryat:
-Sorry, but the pilot to you not to be. Choose others voyska.
paren thought and speaks:
- Then I want to serve in PVO.
- Why to air defense?
-If I will not fly, nobody will fly!

*****

The dude came to a military registration and enlistment office, comes in the doctor. The doctor speaks:
-Sit down!
chuvak sat down on a chair and sees how the doctor writes it "is suitable".
-As is suitable, you did not even examine me!
-Team "Sit down" heard? The chair saw? To execute command of mind was enough? Means - it is suitable!

*****

Check to a regiment. (D) enerat resembled everywhere. There it is good, there too it is good. Nu
poshli to the dining room. Looks soldiers edyat.
- There As feed, soldiers?
molchaniye.:-|
-Well as you feed?
:-|
-Leaves horosho.
soldat rises and speaks:
- There is that well and here enters badly.

*****

Check of an order in barracks. The commander, opening next tumbochku:
-Why dumbbells in a bedside table! Want to breed mice?

*****

Checking from a staff of the district represent three soldiers: two huge beefy big fellows and one shchuplenky and small. The ensign speaks:
- And is our elite office. So to speak, slightly that, at once - on the first boundary!
proveryayushchy asks the first soldata:
-Who such?
-Private Ivanchuk, Master of Sports in free-style wrestling and in boxing!
-Well done! Handsome! And you who will be? - the Private Sidorchuk addresses to vtoromu.
-, a black belt on karate, also I own many oriental martial arts!
-Well done! And you who? - indulgently the Private Nesterchuk, the Master of Sports in chess addresses to the third, most dokhlenkomu.
-. I order these two oaks!

*****

The Cook checking in army stolovoy:
-why do not put bay leaf in soup?!
-is not guzzled, companion colonel!

*****

The checking does the remark to the person on duty on chasti:
-Here you sit here, and at you there the foreman on the Honour roll tore off.

*****

I will sell a collection of the agenda in army, not extinguished, there are different years...

*****

There was a robbery of jewelry store. There arrived cops, and already anybody is not present. Only some agkagolik near an entrance lies. Well they also took away it. Brought it to a site, gathered in a basin of water and started it dipping the head, thus all the time sprashivaya:
-Where pearls there! Where pearls?
Tak it dived and speaks:
-for about one hour If you wish to find pearls, find other diver, I in this water of a nikhren do not see.

*****

Proisshestviya.
v Saturday in Madrid there was an incident. When on city streets vypustili
bykov, unknown guys in stripped vests with shout "for airborne forces!" tired out ikh
obratno!

*****

The commander of crew wakes up (pilots), looks in a ceiling. And it all peeled, beds around state, blankets full of holes, some men of SHTURMAN;
-I, the companion MAYOR;
- The Navigator where we?
-In my opinion in vytrezvitele;
-Well on h%ya to me such accuracy, you the city tell!!!

*****

The GENERAL wakes up as that in the morning and remembers that yesterday got drunk, obrygatsya etc. And nearby the tell-tale cleans his uniform, it became a shame to the general and it as if accidentally speaks:
-Represent soldiers, I go by part yesterday, but not on a meeting the drunk sergeant. I to it as you dare the rascal, the villain so it took and obrygat me, I for it gave three extra duties to it. The soldier continues to clean a uniform and quietly speaks:
-Not enough distance, he to you also in trousers shitted!

*****

Professor tells about Alexander's soldiers of Makedonskogo.
nu and concerns that for years stayed a pier of army in campaigns and it rallied soldiers so that they as a rule fell in love each other. And it was encouraged because the legionary who lost the friend and the lover in one person was ruthless to the enemy and revenged for the killed. And here one ochkastenky puny student hikhikayet:
-Means legionaries were pederasts?
professor heaved a deep sigh, removed points, looked at the upstart and speaks:
-Pederasts speak? Yes do not give you god the lovely young man, to meet though one such pederast face to face. No, my young friend, it were not as you desired to be expressed, pederasts! Pederasts are Moiseyev and the trumpeter!
A Greeks were the real BOEV PIDARASAMI!!

*****

Passed doctrines. On the ground the captain on the UAZ goes and suddenly sees the car which got stuck in dirt. The driver strenuously increases speed, and the colonel, red from strain, tolkayet.
kapitan:
-That, got stuck, companion colonel?!
polkovnik approaches, takes away keys from an UAZ of the captain and speaks:
-Is not present, the captain, you got stuck it!

*****

Paratroopers jump. All jumped out. Vypuskayushchiy:
-Ivanov, you the first jumped out?
-Yes, companion captain, a parachute was not developed - it was necessary to return!

*****

Bullet silly woman, and grenade in general idiot.

*****

Bullet - the silly woman, and from silly women in army always one troubles.

*****

- The way to heart of the man lies through a stomach, - the bullet with the displaced center of gravity told.

*****

The drunk fireman fell from a 40-meter fire-escape, but remained safe and sound! It was rescued with that it managed to rise only by the second step.

*****

The parting bypasses posts and sees: the sentry tears off prickles s
kolyuchey a wire. Approaches closer, slyshit:
-Loves, does not love, loves, does not love...

*****

The angered sergeant runs in barracks and oret:
-What swine told my girl on a checkpoint 5 minutes ago, what each stripe designates the child???

*****

Two agents of tax police talk. One, absolutely still young, it is heavy vzdykhayet.
-Well and work, difficult at us. Everyone can offend, humiliate, and you even to answer them not mozhesh.
vtoroy, pozhiloy:
-Well, you exaggerate it. I 25 years at this work. Everyone was - and beat me, and for a door threw out, slops poured, were spat but to offend - such never was!

*****

The recruit and the officer draft komisii.
-talk Why you do not want to do military service? gomoseksualist.
-Than will prove
-Ya?
-Take off trousers!