Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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- Now a lafa, and here in my youth, sneezed, and you for it right there pristrelili.
-Yes when this such was?
-B the 43rd, at night, in investigation, near the German sentry.

*****

The family is an army under leadership of the cook.

*****

The sergeant Abatsky asks young artillerista:
-That you will make if you have a flight, that is you vystrelili
slishkom is far?
-I Will delay a gun back.

*****

The sergeant handed to the private Brims his weapon, automatic vintovku.
-Why on a butt the horseshoe is attached? - asked ryadovoy.
-to Sil returns when firing from this rifle it is possible to compare s
udarom hoofs. So be attentive, the sonny.

*****

The sergeant built the office, and speaks:
- At me two news - we run a battle march, ahead - ryadovoy
ivanov.
vse were delighted - more slowly Ivanova runs only cherepakha.
- The Second news, - the sergeant continues, - Ivanov will go NA
GAZ-66.

*****

The sergeant speaks soldatu:
-Companion soldier, I look you very clever!
-Who, I?
-Well not I!

*****

The sergeant Gopkins got to hospital. The soldier iz
ego vzvoda.
- The Sergeant came to visit him, - he addressed to it, - all in our platoon ochen
bespokoyatsya about yours health and raised money, on which I kupil
for you this apple.

*****

The sergeant did suggestion to the private for carelessness, and that time ot
vremeni glanced on chasy.
-That all of you time look at the watch, the private Malts? - ryavknul
serzhant.
-I Want to know, whether you keep within with the abuse to a release?

*****

The sergeant reports on the commander of division reyndzherov:
- The Sir, I think, the private Dawson is not suitable for our division,
V which, by your words, have to serve only firm as spirit parni.
- And what he made?
-U me is data that it quarreled with the zhenoy.
i imagine, this spineless crank hit it only with soft part of a sexual brush.

*****

The sergeant, double-check a personal record of the recruit Petrov. Every time after educational firing it erases fingerprints on the weapon.

*****

- The sergeant, I stopped cleaning a rifle. Please,
posmotrite, whether I left that in stvole.
-Yes, you left something there, ordinary Smit.
-That this such?
-Extra duty.

*****

The sergeant noticed, what the recruit zagrustil:
-How do you feel, the private?
-U me melancholy, the companion serzhant.
-you now in army, and here melancholy has to be cheerful!

*****

The sergeant who is exhausted from thirst addresses to ryadovomu:
- The Private Ivanov, you have in a flask water?
-Of course, the brother, about what the speech! Take, drink!
-Private Ivanov! As you address to the senior on a rank! It is necessary to answer as! So you have in a flask water?
-is not present In any way, companion sergeant!

*****

- The sergeant, to what time usually soldiers go on hozyaystvennye
raboty in this part? Listen to
-, the recruit, in our part goes nobody on rabotu.
lichny structure wakes up already surrounded with it.

*****

The sergeant edifies the private female batalyona:
- And remember, Ivanov's private, the sentry has to shout: "Stop! Who goes?", but not "Do not approach, and that I will cry!"

*****

- The sergeant, it is really obligatory that during meal of soldiers in your dining room between their feet this black cat climbed?
-Still as is obligatory when for lunch we give a stewed rabbit. Seeing a live cat, none of funnymen do not dare to relea

*****

The sergeant addressed to walking in a system soldatam:
-Who well a post?
-of Caruso, - one of soldat.
-Caruso joked, begin to sing, - the sergeant ordered.

*****

The sergeant declared the soldatam:
- And so, I have children for you two surprises: one unpleasant, but other pleasant. The first - You have to fill these bags to the very top peskom.
- And the second, pleasant, is that here how many you want sand!

*****

The sergeant went on fishing. Having settled down on the river bank,
ON got a can with worms, opened it and garknul:
-one volunteer Is necessary. Two steps forward!

*****

The sergeant gave komandu:
-On the left - equal!
vzvod accurately executed command, except for the private Brown,
povernuvshego the head napravo.
-Why you do not execute command? - addressed to it serzhant.
-I am afraid, as if the opponent suddenly did not attack us on the right.

*****

The sergeant prepared the division for visit inspecting pokovnika.
- The Colonel usually asks three questions: "How old are you? How long you do military service? What life is pleasant to you - military or civil more?" Your answers have to be such ":" Twenty years ", " six months" and "Both". Remember these answers. In the appointed day the colonel arrived and, bypassing a system of soldiers, addressed to one of nikh:
-As long you serve?
-is Twenty years old, ser.
-How old are you? To
- There are Six months. The colonel bent to the soldier and is silent, friendly asked ego:
-As you think, whose head not as it should be, your or my?
-Both, sir.

*****

The sergeant approaches the commander and speaks:
- The Captain, the private Johnson asks to replace to it sapogi.
- The Sergeant, you unless do not know, what before a rank it is necessary "mister" speaks?
-is good. The captain, mister private Johnson asks to replace to it boots.

*****

The sergeant carries out evening checking in podrazdelenii.
- The Private Ivanov!
-Ya!
- The Head from х#я!
- the Private Petrov!
-Is!
-On ж#пе wool!
-Private Sidorov!
-Is so exact!
-Three extra duties!
-For what, companion sergeant?
-that spoiled to me evening of poetry!

*****

The sergeant, strolling before the built recruits, tells about falsities soldier's sluzhby.
-In army the private works for 25 hours per day! - by a strict voice reports on.
-But, companion sergeant! In days only 24 hours! - one of novobrantsev.
-objects the Soldier in army gets up on an hour earlier! - the sergeant bellows in reply.

*****

The sergeant, passing by barracks doors, uslykhat voices and smekh.
on put the head in a door and zaoral:
-I, apparently, told you "good night" and when I tell it, it means "stop up the e%at, and do not pizdit boughs!!!", clearly?!
golos from temnoty:
-is clear, companion sergeant, GOOD NIGHT!!!...

*****

Serzhant:
-Private Ivanov, three steps out of operation! The Private Ivanov raise
-Est.
- The tank!
zakhodit in front, tries podnyat.
-I cannot, companion sergeant!
-Come to a szad!
zashel, again tries podnyat.
-I cannot, companion sergeant!
-Well still - 45 tons!

*****

The sergeant in the plane faces a door and lets out desantnikov.
-Is ready? Went!
-Is ready? Went!
-Is ready?
-is not ready!
-Went! Went, went, went … It is ready!

*****

The sergeant brings together soldiers and speaks:
-Who will go to potato? Two come forward. Serzhant:
-Well, the others on foot will go.

*****

The sergeant brings together soldiers and objyavlyaet:
-next Sunday there will be a military parade. If there is a rain in the morning, parade will take place in the second half of day and if the rain is after a lunch, parade will take place in the morning...

*****

The sergeant asks:
-Companion private, you had a shave today?
-Is so exact! Next time cost
-closer to the razor!

*****

- Sergeant! Urgently build a platoon!
-A on a horse-radish? Da's
-? Then to set aside...

*****

- Sergeant! - strictly the inspecting captain asked. - Pochemu
vy built the recruits so, what in the first rank at vas
nakhodyatsya only high guys, and in the second - small? Forgive to
-, the captain, - the sergeant, - but on the citizen explains

*****

The sergeant builds a company before kazarmoy.
- The Private Ivanov!
-Ya!
-Fifteen steps forward forward march!
ivanov leaves, but...
-Companion sergeant! And further in any way - stena.
- And further it is also not necessary. Company! Fire!

*****

- The sergeant who drags hens from a hozbaza?
-Probably, a raccoon dog, the companion mayor.
-Correctly it is necessary to tell (reflected) sobakovidny a raccoon!

*****

The sergeant chock calls soldata:
-Hey you, obyazyan, quickly here!
soldat obidelsya:
-I not monkeys, companion serzhant.
-As not obyazyan? Look, in the Charter it is written: the soldier obyazyan to carry out orders of the commander!
-Companion sergeant, and here is written that the commander of monkeys! Look: the commander of a company of monkeys … Give to
- The Charter here... No, it is written here: Commander. Companies obyazyan.

*****

Sergeants decided to frighten the ensign. Perevarachivat a mug upside down bear to it and speak - Companion ensign someone soldered a mug. The ensign after 5-minute inspection of a mug speaks - So they also a bottom cut off!!!

*****

The soldier stoker in the stokehole sat. Hot. Boringly. Give, thinks, the letter I will write
roditelyam, I will please old men, I will tell them pro
ratnye army everyday life. Took a sheet of paper, singed it po
uglam and began: "Hello, my dear, I write the letter iz
goryashchego the tank..."

*****

The general in a sauna at the dacha sits and relaxes in the relevant company. And here, at the most inappropriate moment, knock at a door. Companion general comes ofitser:
-, allow to address! Sapper Sidorov. Did not want you to disturb, but under a sauna not exploded unspecified explosive device is revealed. We work with it already half an hour...
-Already half an hour?! Badly work! Immediately to establish and blow up!!!

*****

The general with a rod on the river bank sits, fish catches. In full rigging: a single-breasted coat, trousers with stripes, a peak-cap. The intolerable heat, from the general drips sweat, he gets every minute a scarf, wipes a bald head and waves away from flies. Since the morning of any poklevka, and the general sadly looks at a motionless float. Suddenly from heavens it was distributed golos:
- And after all you will not order!