Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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The Ukrainian veteran shares vospominaniyami:
-Somehow time during war I 10 kilometers dragged the wounded commissioner...
-I awarded you?
-A as! Distances warm food and 150 deutschmarks!

*****

Imperial army, two gray-haired bearded men sit, smoke... The third approaches, such zhe:
-Hear, men, let's a tabachka smoke... You serve which year
-A?
-Thirtieth went...
-Pshel of wons, greenhorn!!!

*****

The quote from the complaint. "... we demand in plural us nazyvat
omonbyki or at least Omonkozla, but not shameful OMON fighters...."

*****

CIA announced competition which winner will become their agent. As a result there were 3 applicants and which to choose is not known. Invited them together with wives to the last round. Parted husbands with wives to different rooms. Also tell the first pretendentu:
-Here, to you Mr. Smith the gun, go and kill your wife. "
TOT otvechayet:
-Well as I will kill it, we in general even Wifety.
emu and govoryat:
-Means three months you to us not podkhodite.
sleduyushchemu too suggest to kill zhenu.
a that otvechayet:
-As I will kill it, she is mother of three of ours children.
ego too not vzyali.
podkhodyat to the last, suggest to kill the wife. That takes the gun, goes to the neighboring room. Shots, then a roar are distributed. When everything abates, that (the last applicant) enters and speaks:
-Well, and orders at you in CIA made 6 shots, and all single, it was necessary to smother!

*****

The sentry on a check point stopped ofitsera.
-I is a major Petrenko, - the officer declared, - You znayete.
-Forgive me, companion major, but without admission I cannot vas
propustit.
-I simply left it at home, leave formalnosti.
chasovoy, working under the charter, does not give in on arrangements. So oni
sporili long enough, so far from the room on duty not razdalsya
golos:
-You, what Serega, are going to argue with it all night long? Shoot v
nego as the charter demands, and went to play cards.

*****

The sentry - on a post. The Surname approaches mayor:
-?
-Private Petrov!
-How many people in a company?
-Seventy!
-A in a battalion?
-Two hundred fifty, companion major!
-A you that reveal a military secret?! Suddenly I am a spy?! Shot. Soldat:
-You look, what swine! Pretended to be the major!

*****

The sentry on a post. In kustakh.
-Cost rustle, who all right!
-Stoyu.
cherez half an hour. Chasovoy:
-Hey, hear, a billeting so far, and I behind cigarettes run.

*****

- The person can be mistaken, - from far away there began the commander conversation with the sapper's wife.

*****

– Than the officer Of imperial army differs from the officer Of the Russian army?
- The officer Of imperial army always to blue was shaved And slightly drunk. at the officer Of the Russian army all on the contrary.

*****

Than the officer of imperial army differs from the officer of the Soviet army?
ofitser imperial army:
-to blue vybrit;
-slightly PYAN;
-knows everything from Bach to Feyerbakha.
ofitser Soviet army:
-slightly pobrit;
-to blue PYAN;
-knows everything from Edyta Piekha to go you on figs.

*****

- Than the brave soldier differs from the careful? - sprosil
novobranets Brown of the old-timer voina.
- The Brave soldier will approach the sergeant Dzhilbert and loudly pri
vsekh will tell everything, what it about it dumayet.
- And how the carefu

*****

In 30 years after war, pioneers digging the earth on a place of difficult fights,
nashli the diary of the guerrilla in which it conducted zapisi:
-on July 27, 1942. Despite our fierce resistance, nemtsy
vybili us from lesa.
-on August 20, 1942. The reinforcement from next dereven
i approached us we beat out Germans from lesa.
-on September 15, 1942. After difficult fights, with assistance of aircraft, Germans beat out Us from lesa.
-on September 20, 1942. The forester and vygnyl all na@uy came!

*****

Chechnya...
khattab are caused by Basayeva and speaks:
-Listen, Shamil, I gave you our best sniper Said! From five hundred steps it gets to a five-kopeck coin! What did you order it?
-As usual: you will see at kaffirs (incorrect) a spark on positions - shoot at a spark!
-Aga. Read the report of kaffirs: "For today's night federal forces lost: six cigarettes "Belomor", three small lamps and lighter of "Zippo"...

*****

Chechnya. Winter. Cold. Night. A post on the remote suburb of Grozny... Around sound... Automatic turns are suddenly distributed, firing and the commotion begins... Also suddenly everything abates. To the sentry who opened fire the komvzvoda rushes. Sees dumbfounded and excited boytsa.
-What is the matter? Why opened fire??? I stand
BOYETS, zapykhavshis:
-Companion captain, suddenly I see from darkness appears such HUGE, TERRIBLE, BEARDED vakhabit! Such terrible and terrible! With a huge beard! And something drags still the huge! Also goes straight on me! Well I only was also in time from the machine gun turns!!! Hardly filled up!
-* la, private! Because of such mudak as you, we of Father Frost cannot already meet the third year...

*****

Chechnya. Winter. On a post the young soldier. From a post the turn reaches. All karaulka is undermined and flies on a post. The young soldier rushes navstrechu:
-Companion sergeant, here by there was an angry Wahhabite, with a bag, bearded, well I it...
serzhant approaches a body, thoughtfully at it looks and speaks:
-Well... Here because of such mudak as you, we the third year without Father Frost

*****

Chechnya. The plate at edge of a minefield: "It is checked. Min is few".

*****

Reading the translations: "Appearance of the officer did not force it to jump and salute it at all".

*****

What the most important in the tank? Down
-, companion ensign!
-Freak. To rise in stroy.
-Est.
- The Corporal Zigmatulin!
-News agency!
-That the most important in the tank?
-of Gusenyts y motor, tovarich of a praporchik!
-Chock. To rise in stroy.
-EST.
- The Sergeant Pilipenko!
-of Sho?
-That the most important in the tank?
-of Boekomlekt, companion ensign!
-Cudgel. To rise in stroy.
-Well, do not find fault tak.
-Remember, fighters. The most important in the tank - not to be trashed.

*****

What is: green, bald also jumps? - The soldier in a disco...

*****

What the military on the citizen can do?
ochen is a lot of, especially when it is pleasant to the citizen.

*****

To enter hand-to-hand fight the fighter of special troops dolzhen:
1) Proye ** t in the battlefield the machine gun, the gun, a knife, a zone belt, a shovel, a bullet-proof vest, kacky.
2) to Find an equal platform on which does not roll any stone or palki.
3) to Find on it same rasp *** YAYA.
I only after that, to enter with it hand-to-hand fight.

*****

- How you felt during the first parachute jump?
-As bird. Flied and spoiled, flied and spoiled.

*****

Sheremetyevo. Huge waiting list for take-off. Purity of an air is strictly observed. Suddenly from one of the expecting boards yarostno:
-E... your mother! How many it is possible! I already about... ate to wait!!!
dispetcher:
-which Just told the phrase immediately call yourself! I repeat, extreme who aired, immediately be called!
-Ya told that I about... ate, but not e... it nulsyanutsya!"

*****

The sixth-grader Sidorov expressed to the father the unwillingness to go to school in the morning, reasoning it is chronic fatigue, inadequate weather conditions, unhealthy group of teachers and low education level. The father managed to convince Sidorov to go to school, reasoning it is a soldier's belt.

*****

The staff on the card is designated by a tag of triangular color.

*****

The civilian speaks voyennomu:
-you, military, generally quite good children, only stupid some...
-A if you, civilian, such clever why do not go to work as a system?

*****

The civilian Jones was appointed in army training center where he had to educate recruits concerning various government obligations to them, especially about the Life Insurance of the Military Personnel (LIMP). Soon after that the lieutenant of the center noticed that Jones has almost 100% sale of a SZhV insurance that earlier never happened. The lieutenant sat down at the end of the room filled with recruits and began to listen to trade giving of Dzhonsa.
dzhons explained to new recruits of a basis of SZhV, and then said:
"If you have SZhV and you went to fight and were lost, - the government is obliged to pay to your successors $200 000. If you have no SZhV and you went to fight and were lost, - the government is obliged to pay to your successors a maximum only of $6000". "And now", he told in summary, "as you think whom they will send to fight the first?"

*****

- E, you that go here?
-Yes so, anything, the person I look for... Not - You did not understand
-, you know Vovan?
-Well...
-Can Red or Tolyana from a workshop? Not - I do not know
-...
-A that you go Tod - in a snout you want?!
-Yes

*****

Ek carried you - reproached Sidor Marfa into whom the artillery shell got.

*****

Examination at medical institute. Before the student three banks with the alcoholized brains. It otvechayet:
-In the first can, with a huge number of crinkles is a brain of professor. In the second can usual is a brain of the student, and in the third can, with one crinkle is a brain praporshchika.
professor:
-Everything correctly, only in the latter case a small mistake. It not the crinkle, is a trace from a peak-cap.

*****

Examination at school of ensigns. Ekzamenatop:
-Here look. It is a thumb, it is index, it is average, it is
bezymyanny, - mizinets.
dvigayet paltsami:
-we Stir it, we disturb, we disturb... Where what?

*****

- To crew to prepare for landing! The flight mechanic, report a situation!
- Is not present the left chassis!
- the Crash landing! Stewardess! Onboard still there is an alcohol stock?
- Yes! - Give out
to passengers that did not worry!

*****

Experts came to a conclusion that the shuttle "Columbia" was wrecked as a result of collision with spherical molniyey.
ekipazhu "Columbia" the rank of national heroes of Ameriki.
ekipazhu of "Fireball" - a rank of heroes of the Russian Federation will be given.

*****

The Eskimo got lost on hunting, freezes in ices, sits at deaths door, raves against fate. Dogs half-dead shrank from cold and hunger, the blizzard does not stop. With the last bit of strength gropes in the bosom hardly working mobile phone, thinks, before death I will come off: gathers to the wife and says that went to Moscow, for carrying out act of terrorism in the subway. In two minutes in the sky there is a helicopter, people in masks go down, approach a snow-covered body, raise a hood: "The taxi to Dubrovka was called?"

*****

The Estonian approaches Russian and asks:
-How much time you need to you to collect the things and to leave? I do not know
russkiy:
-About things, and the Kalashnikov - in 45 seconds.

*****

- When I did, of course, military service hardly it was necessary. Happened, absolutely unbearable became. In a gas mask almost you choke, on a back the machine gun beats, though squeeze out a soldier's blouse, boots full of sweat, and the colonel's wife

*****

- I cannot give you holiday five days, then I will be compelled to give such holiday to everyone at which the hand was born!

*****

- I will have a look, the private Petrenko, of you at institute absolutely the idiot made! It it is necessary to guess - to wash a toilet bowl in gloves!

*****

- I was born under three lucky stars!
-Under three at once?
-Yes, at me the father - the colonel!