Jokes about cats

Read funny Jokes about cats

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Bought a cat cat's footwear. Did not keep, with the great pleasure nassat there directly in shop.

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The lion and bull sit in the bar. At a lion the mobile rang out. The lion talked and is going to leave. The bull asks:
-Who it was? "
LEV:
-Wife.
byk begins poteshatsya:
-to You that, the wife specifies, where and how to spend time? That a lion otvechayet:
-You do not compare
Ha, you have a wife - a cow, and I have a lioness!

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The lion collects meeting in the jungle: "Means so, a wolf, you will come to me for a breakfast tomorrow! Questions are?". A wolf by the shivering voice: "No". The lion continues: "Fox! You will come to me for a lunch tomorrow! Questions are?". The fox faints. Lion: "Hare! You will come to me for a dinner questions is tomorrow?". A hare, shivering: "A-a-a it is possible not to come?" Lev: "It is possible!"

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It is easy to explain how the wireless telegraph works. Imagine very long cat - You pull him for a tail in New York, and he mews in Los Angeles. And the wireless telegraph is the same, only without cat.

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Three cats on a roof lie and argue who is lazier...
pervy speaks "I lie on a roof here the kitty approaches me, offers sebya
za free of charge, and I to it in reply a pier laziness! "
vtoroy tells" He I lazy, I lie at home I watch the hostess me to have dinner calls, Kitiket, the Wiskas, fish, meat put!!! Poured milk, and I in reply to not me len
vstavat! "
trety speaks" Heard I three hours shouted yesterday?" First two in reply "And what? "
" Ya crossed the legs and eggs pressed, it was so sick that shouted, and laziness a foot was to clean!"

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- How it is better to prepare a quail?
-A how many them at you? Give
-Odna.
-to a cat, it will understand...

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Like to iron, but the iron broke? - Buy a cat!

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To fans reklamy.
na days is obtained the evidence of that a cat Boris involved in advertizing of a cat's forage, - castrated. The roller "Boris - the great dancer" came out.

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People arrived to have a rest to the village and brought with themselves the most magnificent fluffy Siberian cat. All rural cats went nuts from such handsome. Began to choose the best - who will go for a walk with it tonight. Hissed, shouted, fought - but chose a samuy-razsamy kitty. Sent with envy to a meeting of such rare love! Snakaz - that about everything for tomorrow told everything - as there bylo.
nastupilo morning - cats meet the girlfriend: well, as was there, do not weary!
A that somehow in some bewilderment...
-even Was interesting, informative, - it slowly myauchit to friends. - We all night long walked, admired the moon. And he told me how in the Siberia freezed eggs...

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The little boy brings home a kitten and speaks:
-Mother, it is possible I will leave it to myself?
-Is possible. And how we will call it? By
-Let's call his Moysh!
-You that sonny! Moysha is a human name. Let's call his Vask!

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The little boy, having heard as the cat purrs, runs to the father who the Father works avtomekhanikom:
-, go look at our cat!
-That such? What happened?
-He fell asleep with the switched-on engine!

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- Mothers, and where our cat?
-B to a hell, the sonny, in a hell. Ssyt, a bough, in slippers to a devil.

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- Mother why candy is called "apple"?
-Because add to it a little yablochka.
- And what add to candy of "pussycats pussycats"?

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Mother came from work, Vovochka and speaks:
-Mummy runs up to it, and I washed ware!
MAMA: - Good fellow, Vovochka!
-Mummy, and I washed floors!
-Good fellow, Vovochka!
-Mummy, and we have a pregnant cat!!!
-Good fellow, Vovochka!

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Mart. On a roof sit a cat with kotikhy and shout. KOT:
-I for you am ready to give life!
koshka: - How many time?...

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Mother: - Your friend Charles bad boy. They say that he tied a can a tail of a cat and sent her on all yard. I hope, what you are not capable of such cruelty?
POL: - Of course not, mummy, never!
-A why you then did not prevent Charles when saw, what it does?
-Ya could not, mummy, I was occupied - I held this cat.

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I terribly am interested in some questions. Well, for example, who defines, what cat food became more tasty?

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The militiaman to the passenger before landing in the plane, strogo:
-Grazhdanochka, return, in passenger salon it is forbidden to take cats!
-So it plush!!! To you once again I repeat
-Ya, no! And breed does not matter!!!

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The militiaman writes the protocol of inspection of the scene: "Unidentified criminals broke a door of a warehouse and stole all fur subjects except for a cat who, probably, did not grow to a cap yet".

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It seems to me that my cat is guided in the dark, applying echolocation. Otherwise I cannot explain, why he goes to three o'clock in the morning along a corridor and shouts by a bad voice.

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- To me the kitten was brought, the white fluffy... Take a picture of
-, show!
-of Fotik is not present... Scan
-!

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- Presented to me a kitten, such white fluffy... Photograph
-, show!
- The Pancake, a fotik is not present...
-Well, you scan!

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- My cat yesterday took the first prize at the exhibition ptits.
- How this cat could receive the award at the exhibition of birds?
- He ate there a prize canary.

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My cat spoils on corners. And it seems to me that he thinks that I thrash him for that he spoils a little...
sluchay in the estate Epsone
staroye - not the lock, but … put
Bce - magnificent park, a shod fencing, gate … the shchebenisty path conducts to a platform before actually building. The tiny avtomobilchik with advertizing of veterinary clinic on a roof approaches, there is a young man with a case, rises to doors, rings a hand bell. A door the old butler with magnificent bakenbardami.
-opens "Petservice" caused? I Ask
-, the sir. The countess waits for you, the sir. Follow me, ser.
provodit the visitor on a front staircase to the dvusvetny hall on the second floor, invites to sit down in a chair at kamina.
- The Countess now will leave, the sir! - also leaves a back forward, accurately covering a two-fold door, white with gold. The visitor confusedly looks back - the situation shocks! Old kind England of the Victorian era - racks, models, stained-glass windows … In the corner, right from a fireplace, - a skeleton of beautifully nude woman, in left - it, but in clothes. A cold weapon on gobelins, which - on walls. Atmosphere …. Solemnly and boomingly hours beat, on the third blow the countess with a cat in rukakh.
posetitel swims in jumps and involuntarily clicks heels - the old woman is really stately!
-Ah that you, the young man, leave! Today's weather … I is absolutely broken, we with Margo feel very badly at a northeast wind. Yes, by the way about Margo! Look, please, that with my baby - she continuously gets fat!
molodoy of people respectfully accepts a cat and, having fluently examined it, gives out verdikt:
-Well, well! Pregnancy, somewhere 45 day, at most in a week will be kittens, mem! Do not tell to
-nonsenses, the young man! Margo a joy did not leave to the yard! And it never had any affairs with cats!
B this moment through the room slowly there passes huge a tomcat …
-But, allow, mem! Here... As you can tell
-similar in my house, the young man! - the countess gets up and reddens, is Marimey, Margo's brother!
kritichesky parametr
u one grain trader of a small hand in a warehouse were got mice. That he only did not undertake! Mousetraps, ultrasonic pugalka, the poisoned bait - it is vain! Got drunk from a grief and well to complain druzyam.
-So you it, get a cat, he will work out all your problems! - prompt emu.
for sure! Our sufferer is glad and happy, is only surprised how itself did not dopetrit!
B went Sunday to the Poultry market. Went-went, looked-looked … Eyes run up, the choice sdelat.
-Whom cannot we look for? Hamsters do not interest? - podletayet.
-Hear a brisk patsanenok, the boy, here such business … A tomcat to me it is necessary mice in a warehouse to catch, absolutely there I have an edge! Advise, I will not offend! - also I will weave suyet.
-Aha, it the Siberian is necessary to us, et - over there, potopat! - joyful to the chicherena brings to the next row and umatyvayet.
kliyent Sibiryak long looks at a huge moustached cat with whiskers and nervous thick hvostom.
-?
-A that!
-of Mice catches?
-On time!
stoit, thinks, turnip is scratched … by
-Well so, will take, is not present? - Da coy he at you does not stand prodavets.
-not that …
-of That - "not that"??
-does not mew! Hear
-, you should catch mice or to listen to songs? In March will begin to mew!

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My cat lives by the principle: "to guzzle bothered to sleep". And during the day puts a comma in different places.

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- My cat in a past life was a bailiff ...
- Describes property?
- Not only ... Today, in the hallway and even Arrest ...

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My cat often craps on corners, I for it thrash him, and it seems to me that he thinks that I thrash him for that he craps a little.

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Wash, a bough, the Persian cat arranged on mine, a bough, the Persian carpet, a bough, the Persian Gulf!

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The young man married, in three months of his spouse speaks:
-Darling, to me is time to give birth!
-As?! After all we only three months as...
-You to a wedding with me lived three months, three months after, and 3х3=9! It from maternity hospital and speaks:
-Darling, at us was born by
zvonit the black boy!
-As?!
- When we went to maternity hospital, we were stolen a march by a black cat...
molodoy of people came to parents and speaks ottsu:
-Represent, the father, 3х3=9, and a black cat... The father oret:
-Mother, you do not remember when I carried you to maternity hospital, the donkey stole a march on us or not?

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My cat thinks that I live at her. And sometimes in her look I catch a hint that it is time for me to live separately.

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- My cat learned me to revenge! When she yawns, I thrust her in rot
palets. And when I yawn - this stinker thrusts to me into a mouth all muzzle!

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- My cat of the first learned, what I received zarplatu.
-As it so?
-Ya told it about it.

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- My Murka already big cat, and frolics and plays - as a kitten! Mother speaks, it because Murka has a dotage...

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The husband and the wife stand in a queue near a toilet. Both already cannot wait. On a toilet bowl the fat, impudent cat sits and reads the newspaper. The wife - muzhu:
- And why only we accustomed this cattle to a toilet bowl?

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The husband comes in the evening home after work, and him meets absolutely bald kot.
husband : The wife, and what it happened to our Vaska?!
Wife: Well, you told this morning me: "shave a cat!"

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The husband solves krossvord.
-Listen, - he addresses to the wife, - as the bird from nine letters who does not exist any more is called?
-Is our canary, the cat ate it last week.

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The man morning after opens one eye, sees: on the room quietly a cat kradetsya:
-do not stamp, a padla!

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The man brought the favourite kitty on a visit to a thoroughbred cat. But that in an emphasis ignored it. Leaving, the man speaks hozyayke:
-See, what cat at you proud! For all evening did not even look at my Musenka!
KOT:
-to You would otchekryzhit eggs, too would become proud!

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The man at work complains sosluzhivtsu:
- The Devil, I do not get enough sleep absolutely. The cat shouts the third week at night. Simply I do not know how to it zatknyt.
-Yes you a cat drag a throat, he quickly to it a mouth zatknet.
-you Think, to cats the cocksucking is known?