Jokes about cats

Read funny Jokes about cats

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Objyavleniye.
otdam a tender kitten in good hands. My hands are already not so good, so this asshole scratched that on them the live place is not present.

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Announcement: "Three thoroughbred kittens, all of a different floor are on sale".

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Announcement: "Fluffy little kitty! Beauty! Gentle and playful! It is accustomed at a toilet! Do not call better! All the same I will not give!

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Announcement: "The firm looks for the secretary who is able to type, understands computers and knows a foreign language". The cat comes into office and sits down in a chair opposite to the CEO. Direktor:
-Sorry, we cannot take you for work, in the announcement was written that the secretary has to be able to print on mashinke.
kot jumps paws on the typewriter and prints the excellent letter. Director (with astonishment): All of us cannot equally take
-Ho you! It is necessary to be able to work with kompyyuterom.
kot jumps on the keyboard and writes the program without uniform bug. The director who is (absolutely surprised):
-Ho the secretary has to know a foreign language!
KOT: - Gav! Gav!

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Table of contents on one of the sites: 'How to grow up a puppy', 'Cats', 'Diseases of pets', 'House manufacture of fur'.

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Odessa of times of the New Economic Policy. A ragged five-floor brothel, blyad look out of windows, on a porch the hostess of a brothel, fat madam Zukher sits. Before a facade, having lifted up the head, there is a little boy, and looks how on a roof the cat and a cat copulate. Animals are so keen that fall down from a roof the earth, and the boy delighted krichit:
-Madam Zukher, madam Zukher, your sign fell!

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Odessa. Old horse rynok.
-Madam, buy a cat! What
-A it breeds?
-Sibirskiy.
-cannot be, it has short wool! Madam's
-, I will tell nothing to you for its wool, but it only guzzles pelmeni!

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One cat tells drugomu:
-What stylish points at you with red glasses! Yes it to me the owner put on
-that I took porridge for forcemeat.

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One cat can obossat everything, except himself. Two cats can obossat all.

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One programmer came on a visit to another. Sit, drink beer. Here on kitchen fills up huge gray kotyara.
-this is my cat. Call Modem.
-Why the Modem? Watch
-. - takes a broom, tycht in a cat. - Modem! Connection!
(Cat): - Shshshshshshshshsh...

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Once the father having many children, the miner-stakhanovets Petrov, during all day off observed an image of life of the cat, and by the evening not to strangle him out of envy, threw out on the street...

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One woman constantly bought food for cats. That it any cat has no seller who perfectly knew, asked whom it kormit.
-Muzha.
-Yes you that, he will die! Some time the lady ceased to buy
through edu.
-Well, poisoned the spouse? After all I preduprezhdal.
-What does it have to do with food! It broke to itself(himself) a neck when tried to lick a bum.

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One neigbour complains drugoy:
- At me so harmful cat became: will spoil at a door, will run up and on a shit will pass to a balcony. That with it to do - not znayu.
- And you a bed nazhdachka!
Ha the upset woman again meets the next day with sodedkoy.
-Maria Ivanovna, I did not know that you such cruel. To a balcony one ears reached.

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Once the father having many children, the miner Stakhanovite Petrov, during all day off observed a way of life of the cat, and by the evening not to strangle him out of envy, threw out on the street...

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Once F. M. Dostoyevsky, a kingdom to him heavenly, caught on the street of a cat. It was necessary to it a live cat for the novel. The poor animal peeped, squealed, rattled and rolled up eyes, then pretended to be the dead. Here it released it. The deceiver bit the writer poor in turn for a foot and disappeared. So there was unembodied the best novel of Fedor Mikhaylovich, a kingdom to it heavenly, "Poor animals". About cats.

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He was an ordinary cat, lay on the furnace and ate sour cream. But the army reached and it. Look at video - "Puss in Boots".

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She is a Darling, let's get a cat?
ON - What for? to You is not enough of me?
ONA-Well - at, it not absolutely that... Well give
ON-I will spoil anywhere?

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The operational. There is an operation. From under the operating table: - Meow!
khirurg: - Brys!
IZ-under a table again: - Meow!
-Went!
snova: - Meow!
khirurg, cutting off something at the patient and throwing under a table: - Yes on, choke!

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The father synu:
-Now we will buy a small bottle of beer and we will go further...
-Oh, the father, and let's buy still and a kitten!
-That you, the sonny, kittens of beer do not drink!

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The waitress - posetitelyu:
-do not order some Ragout, at us in kitchen the cat was gone...

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The father charged to the daughter, small, but already clever, to call in a vetlechebnitsa, to find out one question .
-to Alya, a zdrasta!
-Zdravstvuyte.
-Is a vetlechebnitsa?
-Yes.
-A you castrate cats?
-Yes. is good
-, I WITH the FATHER WILL COME TOMORROW!!

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Daddy cat was going to leave the house. His kitten asks:
-Father, you where?
-Ya I will go flirtovat.
- And it is possible for me with you?
-Poshli.
poshli they together. Got out on a roof. Daddy cat also speaks to the sonny: "You sit here, and I will come soon..." The kitten sits, sits... The rain went, the wind blew, night came. The father is not present. Well, a kitten and speaks:
-Here very little poflirty and home I will go...

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The guy complains priyatelyam:
-Menya these March cats already got. Meow and meow! I on them already and dogs lowered!
-I as dogs?? How, how??!! Puppies not to whom are not necessary?

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Hairdressing salon. The master shaves the client. On the right will come. Will work. Sleva.
za this procedure the cat watches. That will come for the master at the left, sprava.
kliyent asks:
- At you a cat probably the scientist?
OTVET:
-Is not present. He simply waits for an ear.

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The passenger styuardesse:
- And that it is pilots through the left shoulder are spat? The Black cat through the road flew over
-!
-A from where it undertook here? Astronauts from station threw out
-!

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- Smells as a cat, - Shtirlits.
-Why thought he smells my paw? - the cat thought.

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First fact: if the cat is angry, her tail comes in dvizheniye.
vtoroy the fact: if a hand to set a tail of a cat in motion, it by all means will begin zlitsya.
vyvod: if to hold to a cat a tail, she will not be able physically to be angry.

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The song kota:
"I fly on the room as if chumachechiya because I spoiled in a slipper human"

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St. Petersburg. Old apartment. Old woman, typical for a situation, and vetepinap.
s: The doctor, my kitty somehow strange looks and behaves unusually. What with it?
D: Well, we will look-posmotrim. You have a beautiful, healthy cat. And will be a little remarkable and healthy kotyat.
s soon: That you, doctor. My cat - a decent cat, it anywhere not hodit.
d: Let's look still time. No, it is pregnant. Perhaps it escaped for a while on the street. One time quite dostafor sure.
s: The doctor, my cat - the Decent Cat, it anywhere not uskolzala.
d: No-no, the mistake cannot be. Well, perhaps, to you the domestic cat got into the apartment?
C: My cat - the DECENT CAT, she does not accept at herself cats!
B to the room appears a huge fat cat with all sexual ppiznakami.
doktop (with relief): Well that you spoke to me... And it who?!
stapushka: My CAT - the DECENT CAT!!! And it is her brother!!!

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- To drink so to drink, - the kitten when incur him thought to heat.

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On the yard the shaven-headed strapper in a long coat strolls. Approaches it starushka:
-Forgive for God's sake! My cat just killed your bull terrier! You che mold
-? How it is a cat could kill a bull terrier??
-It choked with it...

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In the mornings the cat of the queen of Great Britain is licked by the servant.

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The cat to the миске.
1st-y day approaches: "Faugh! Buckwheat! "The
2nd - oh day: "Faugh! yesterday's buckwheat … "
3rd-y day: "Wow!!! buckwheat!!!"

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- Why entrances smell as cats, and cats do not smell as cats?. Because cats of lick
-, and to lick entrances to them laziness.

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The kitty and doggie got married. Year live, two live, and kids everything are no and no. Decided to go to the doctor - to learn, what for a misfortune such?! Come. The doctor examined them and speaks:
-Everything is all right, and children are not present because both of you are GIRLS!!!

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The elderly woman rings a door to the neigbour and speaks:
-something hurts me a stomach, you could not borrow me a hot-water bottle? You know
-, I do not have it, I in this case put on a stomach of the cat, and all pains as a hand removes. If you wish, I can borrow to you ego.
-Big to you spasibo.
na the next day the mistress of a cat goes to the old woman to take away the pet. Only the door was slightly slightly opened, from there the cat right there runs out and disappears in "the" apartment. Then there is also an old woman at whom on a face and on hands of a live place is not present from scratches, and speaks:
-you look that your cat made with me!
-is strange: it never was earlier aggressive. And what at you occurred here?
- When I inserted to it into the back a funnel, it was still more or less quiet but when I began to fill in hot water there, he simply flew into a rage!

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- I congratulate on expansion of a living space! Now, likely, in blizhayshem
vremeni are going to get all spoiling ssushche-shouting being? As you can tell
-about children so???
-??? I generally meant a cat!

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- You remember, I advised you a cat in policlinic to reduce and kastrirovat.
-Svodil.
-Well and what, he at you now in March does not shout?
-Shouts! Shouts: "Where? Where they? Where?"

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The lion got to a deep hole. Near a hole the tree grows. And on a tree the monkey and krichit:
-Eh jumps, you are a torn cat! So it is also necessary to you! Your teeth will go to a beads! The skin will be torn off at a fireplace will put!
vetka breaks and the obyazyana falls in yamu.
-Leva, will not believe - to apologize went down!