Jokes about cats

Read funny Jokes about cats

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It is quite possible to get to paradise during lifetime - to be born a cat in the fish case of the market enough...

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Lieutenant Rzhevsky and company. A booze, estestvenno.
-Misters, let's bath horses in champagne!
-Well you, the lieutenant, such expenses, money did not pay three months us!
-Eh, you … Then give at least a cat beer we will pour!

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The visitor in an antique shop, having examined all regiments, went to an exit, but here noticed that the cat at a threshold drinks milk from a saucer of times of Tutankhamun! The person returned to the seller and with forced indifference predlozhil:
-Let me buy from you a cat for 1 dollar.
-for anything. My children to it very much privykli.
storgovalis for $200. Posetitel:
-your cat likely got used to eat from this bowl, I will take away also it too?
-That you! Same Tutankhamun! Collection rarity! And cats, by the way, I already so sold 126 pieces.

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After week dry hunger strike a lion Samson and a tiger Sherkhan recognized that the worker of sector cat's an ukhryupinsky zoo Sidorov - the king of beasts.

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The man of druzhban home brought, binge is, and snack zero. Got small fishes from an aquarium, fried and gobbled up. In the evening the wife from work comes, looks in an aquarium, and it empty!
-Where small fishes, swine?!
-Matter of course where. Ask Vaski.
skhvatila the wife a broom and flogged a cat, how much in vain. That terribly took offense, pulled down from a neighbour's balcony a brassiere and accurately thrust it into a master's bed. In the evening the wife spreads a bed, and there... Took a rolling pin and give the man okhazhivat.
- The Freak! Parasite! Cattle!
-Nothing I do not know! It not I!
-A who, reptile, who?! Vaska?!

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The choosy buyer chooses a Siamese kitten. It is shown next paru.
-Well, how to you by these? Yes somehow they me say nothing to
-...
- They are cats, but not parrots that to talk to you!

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There arrived on a visit the sister with two children of 2 and 5 years... The CAT PRETENDED TO BE AT ONCE DEAD!!!

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- Estimate, several times it was nearly burned. The wife wanted to call by the name of the mistress. It was necessary to get a kitty. Mashkoy called. Now with it all type top...
-Krasava. So, and cho such gloomy? Yes, a week ago the wife a dog bought G

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- Estimate, boys, smoked the plan yesterday, laughed, decided to smoke a cat...
-Well and che cat?
-A to a nicha - with us sat, laughed...

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Funny People, pancake. At work kote named Piva. Now after a lunch an epic show - women leave and with an anguish vzyvayut:
"Beer! Beer! Beer!..."

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The father brought to the daughter of a kitten and speaks:
-Well here the daughter you a kitten, play with it as hochesh.
- There is no father as I want, it is so a pity.

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Brought home a hamster in a cage. Here so my cat had a TV.

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The husband home comes. The wife in tears, rydayet:
-That happened?
- The Cat ate mine pirozhki.
-do not worry expensive, I will buy you a new cat.

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One man home, to the friend comes. Looks, and that sits as the barin, feet stretched, a newspaper reads, smokes. And the wife with the mother-in-law run round it, prepare to eat, clean...
muzhik udivlenno:
-Chto happened? How you reached such?
Well I had a cat..... He as that spoiled on me in shoes. I made to it the first prevention. He spoiled for the second time - I made the second. When he made it for the third time - I seized him and threw out from a window!!!!
Well it is all clearly but at what a cat here???
Well at the wife with teshchyoy, already is on two preventions....

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The guy on a visit to the friend comes. Sees a huge cat of the extremely angry face. asks:
- And a cat it is possible to stroke?
DRUG, very much svetski:
-Oh, of course! Now only I will bring iodine and bandage...

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The programmer home comes, the cat runs up to him and starts making up, licking strenuously a hand, to murchat, etc. The wife, having seen it, asks:
-That it suddenly happened to a cat? That does she lick a hand?
-As that? Smells as a mouse...

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You come from a frost, and on the house the moustached striped hot-water bottle runs...

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Guests come to the man. That opens a door for them, and suddenly right there v
otkrytuyu the door is jumped out by a cat. A bullet flies on an attic... then v
podval... then in garage... then on a roof... then to a garbage can... Gosti
smotryat, nothing is understood. Owner (sadly):
-Yes it I castrated it segodnya.
- And what?
-Well here, runs, appointments cancels...

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The visitor came to a hairdressing salon, the hairdresser - the Georgian. Seated in a chair, soaped cheeks, shaves... The Georgian on the one hand will shave that, with another, with one, with another. Behind it, as attached, the fat cat - to and fro, to and fro goes. The visitor asks:
-Kot at you trained, probably? Accustomed him to go for themselves?
gruzin, spokoyno:
-Nat, it fish soup waits...

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It was necessary to carry to me the cat on castration recently. Everything passed successfully, the vrachikha-veterinarsha took out from operational an insensible animal (still under anesthetic) and sat down to fill in a reception zhurnal.
asks: How name of your cat? I tell
Ya: Fidel... Now Castro...

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The guilty kitten was put in a corner where he was guilty once again.

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- Seller! Why in your pies there was less meat?
-Sorry, but SES forbade us to hold in kitchen kotov.
-So it that, there was a cat's meat?! My God keep
-! We are not fleecers. Cats caught mice.

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I will sell kittens. 2 weeks from a sort. As it appeared, are able to float and possess the developed collective intelligence.

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The cat was gone. Without the left hinder leg, one ear and a half of a tail. Castrated. Nickname Lucky.

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The cat was gone. Day is not present, the second, third. For the fourth day it is declared home, all dirty, shabby, hungry and from it far off strikes spirtnym.
khozyayka: - Where you were, my cat?
koshka: - Your cat bought whisky...

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Forgive, I crushed your cat. It is ready to pay, or zamenit.
-Hmm... To replace, speak? And are able to catch mice?

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The man after a booze wakes up. And nearby goes kot.
on lies, lies, here suddenly jumps, the cat and through a balcony on ulitsu.
-Vse cats as cats is enough, and this is stupid-is stupid, stupid-is stupid, stupid-is stupid......

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Yes, the opponent is larger and angrier, see as shouted recently! And a skin at it strong, you will not punch. But, to see, stupid. Or inattentive. It is practically possible to approach it closely at night... Was selected... What now? No, physically I will not be able to do it harm, but... how to revenge for humiliation? There is only one way..., - the cat crept to the vacuum cleaner and bravely it obgadit.

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Poultry market. - Hey, the man, buy a cat! What
-A it breeds?
-Siberian!
-cannot be! It has short wool!
-Wool wool, but it only guzzles pelmeni!

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The drunk husband comes back home from bar. Carefully goes not to wake the wife. Darkly, it is visible nothing. The man steps on a cat. That terribly shouted. The man at first became puzzled, but then angrily and joyfully zakrichal:
-Here bad a tomcat! Where you gadded? I since the evening look for you!

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The drunk man after a party comes back home. Goes carefully not to wake the wife. In the dark unintentionally stepped on a cat. The cat terribly shouted. The man at first became puzzled, but then angrily and joyfully zakrichal:
-Here harmful a tomcat! You where gadded? I since the morning look for you!

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Rabinovichi grew rich and the parties given by madam Rabinovich on Sundays moved to a mansion in French bulvare.
polzuyutsya popularity. Are especially popular at invited its rolls with black ikroy.
one day at such party the butler approaches the hostess and whispers to her on an ear that caviar stocks on an outcome, an on Sunday in Odessa shops of delicacies are closed. Madam Rabinovich after short thought whispers in otvet:
-Go to the hunting room of mister Rabinovicha, take all stock of fraction from there and enclose it to caviar. Also we will hope for the best...
through some time the butler brings in the dining room new trays with rolls, they are eaten with such hunting, as also by the previous. But shortly before farewell one of ladies takes madam Rabinovich aside and confusedly priznayotsya:
- When I left to the neighboring room to powder a nose, I decided to correct buckles at shoes at the same time - and here at me it turned out as to tell it, a back exhalation. .
-of Anything terrible, - delicately answers the hostess, - forget about it!
-Of course, - are continued by the lady, - but thus I shot your cat!

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- Only once in life I tested the real, gloomy horror - kogda
ponyala that our cat learned to open the refrigerator.

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Talk the girl to the guy. ONA:
- And it is possible I to you with the cat I will move?
ON:
-If it will not offend my cat, mozhno.
-Yes it at me good, they podruzhatsya.
-Well if make friends, is fine. And if is not present, then I will throw out oboikh.
-do not offend cats!
-Ya also I am not going to offend cats. I will throw out you together with your cat.

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Talk druzya:
- The Kot it is a pity. Shouts, wants sex. Present - at you sex not bylo.
-Horror, there is no sex and instead of hands - paws with claws.

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priyateley:
-Estimate conversation of two, at my place the mouse scoffs at a cat!
-As it?
-Yes smears cheese in a mousetrap with a valerian.

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Conversation in zoomagazine:
- At you will not be a little shark?
-For what it to you? - is surprised prodavets.
-I Want to teach a good lesson the cat, at last: today it for the fifth time gobbled up small fishes in an aquarium!

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Conversation priyateley:
-U you cat of the house?
Yes, sleeps on podokonnike.
-A at me week at home not появляется.
- Yes all of them such koshki.
-Ty about whom you speak?
Missile defense cat. And what?
-Ya about the wife …

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Conversation on telefonu.
-Hi! How are you doing?
-is normal. The cat sleeps like the dead, I fry okorochka.
- The Fleecer!