Jokes about cats

Read funny Jokes about cats

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- Children, my fly was not seen? Fat such, old, flies slowly...
-Yes we it, Barsik before eating, even did not manage to consider plainly.

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Advertizing: New "Wiskas" for kittens with taste of a dog - brings up from the first steps at your small animals self-reliance.

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The Russian, Siamese and Siberian cats share impressions as spent with cats (according to Russian, Siamese and Siberian) last night. The Russian and speaks:
-my whole hour did not release me. Strong there was Vaska.
siamskaya too hvastayetsya:
- And wash half-nights with me was amused. Angry on laski.
tut Siberian vzdykhayet:
- And mine all night long... yes, all night long told how it in Siberia freezed eggs.

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The Russian, the German and the American decided to teach the cats to eat gorchitsu.
nemets the first caught the cat and violently thrust to it gorchitsu.
-"Violence!" - cried Russian with amerikantsem.
potom the American smeared mustard on a piece of bread, and from above covered with one more. The cat ate also nothing zametila.
-"Deception!" - began to speak the German and russkiy.
togda Russian took the cat and smeared mustard to it under a tail. The cat began to pinch mustard, thus is loud kricha.
"Here so, with pleasure and from songs!" - told Russian.

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With a cat it is better to sleep, than with the wife therefore chto:
- The cat will never ask where you gadded to four UTRA;
- The cat will never be indignant: "Why from you bears the reek of alcohol?! "The cat never gundit ;
-: "You absolutely crushed me... ";
- The cat never draws a blanket on SEBYA;
- The cat never aches in the mornings: "You the snore did not allow me to fall asleep all night long" ;
- The cat will never tell: "You though were washed before going to bed or by a deodorant were sprinkled a little perhaps, from you pryot as from a goat" ;
- The cat never aches: "You inhale all my air" ;
-a cat never against to go with you to kitchen to devour and even very much pro ;
-to a cat somehow all the same that from you pryot tabachishchem;
- The cat will not shout: "Cattle!", when you half-asleep spoiled vozdukh;
- The cat never demands: "Switch off you, at last, the foolish channel "Eurosport"! "The cat never tells ;
-about himself in plural:" If you have a sleeplessness, let's other people have a sleep! ";
- When you try to embrace a cat, he will never tell: "Oh, well only not today! ";
-with a cat it is impossible to have sex, and it is its only shortcoming which he can forgive for its advantages.

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From a chat obshchagi.
"somebody Can borrow a cat? It is advisable to clean the broken egg".

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Subject: possesses function of an urination in a toilet, lying on the TV, having lowered a tail on the screen and irrepressible cheerfulness. Function of food is debugged simply splendidly: with pleasure guzzles even bread and macaroni. And I give all this happiness just like that, for good people it is not a pity!
-Brand? Glitches are not present? It Apgreyditsya? Manibek? Guarantee? The mouse identifies?

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The most unusual cat in the world lives in the apartment of spouses Sidorov (Russia). In one day of stay of the citizen Sidorova on a visit at mother the cat eats 3-4 kilograms of meat, 5-6 cans of pickles, leaves empty bottles, stubs and traces of lipstick everywhere. Judging by quantity of someone else's women's clothing, the cat in a day catches and 3-4 medium-sized women eat.

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We brought the first cat from plant, with compressor uchastka.
eto there was the only cat who was not afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

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The gray-haired lady had a rest on a verandah with the favourite cat. There is a fairy who volunteered to execute two of her treasured zhelaniya.
-Turn me into the young attractive girl, - a poporosila ona.
ee desire ispolnilos.
- And now, - told young creation, - turn my cat in young harmonous bryuneta.
v the same instant there was a dark-haired handsome. It slowly approached the former old maid, strong pressed her to the breast and with bitterness promolvil:
-Now, likely, regret, the hostess that me castrated...

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The family went to the village to relatives. There at a cat little kittens. The four-year-old city guest took over them shefstvo.
vecherom runs to the house and with anxiety the Daddy shouts with poroga:
-, there one kitten soiled all muzzle in milk! It the dirty will go now?
OTETS, lenivo:
-his mother vylizhet.
rebyonok:
-Mothers, you will lick?

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Sidorov' family walked in park, saw a kitten on dereve.
ves day tried, wanted to help it. Also made a nesting box.

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Sergey Dorenko declared the exit from the CPRF and called Gennady Zyuganov "the castrated cat of party system". Such comparison caused a wave of indignations from considerable part of cat's community.

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- Sergey Sergeyevich, you would think of the destiny, to you 50, neither wives, nor children, age after all not small, offensively a little, not the bad person, but all best years - to a cat under hvost.
-Yes you for me not volnuytes.
- And we for you

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Two cats sit, Baku and odecckiy.
-Listen, meow, da-a-a-a?
-meow!

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Cats sit, talk. One also speaks: "Know girlfriends, here I went to the neighboring yard yesterday, there cats caught me and raped. And today went - too raped. Tomorrow again I will go".

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Domestic cats sit in a circle and argue who from them lenivee.
odin speaks:
-Yesterday to me threw a huge piece of sausage. So I was too lazy to approach it!
vtoroy speaks:
-It still that! Here I saw such kitty yesterday! But was too lazy with it pogulyat.
trety speaks:
-you heard loud shout at our entrance yesterday?
-Yes, - answer struck koty.
-So it I to themselves on eggs of villages - and the back was to lift laziness!

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Two men sit, at one the cat calls telefon.
-Yes! Was late, a cat. I will be soon, a cat, I Will buy, a cat. I will not forget, a cat. Do not miss, a cat. Well, do not become angry, a cat! Well, so far, kisonka!
vyklyuchayet trubku.
vtoroy asks: - Wife?
-Is not present. Well on a horse-radish I a cat taught to talk?!

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Men sit, drink. One speaks:
-I call the cat Polyfoam. How many time heated - all the same vsplyvayet.
drugoy:
- And I the - the Boomerang where you will throw it - all the same come back. Tretiy:
- And we the call Giordano Bruno.
ostalnye horom:
-Yes you the sadist!
-Well, it it is simple at stars likes to look...

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Sit on a bench a cat and koshka.
-you Know, the darling, I overheard that owners me the other day kastrirovat
sobralis. But after all you will still love me?
-Of course, I will be! All months in a year, except for March.

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Two hackers sit in front of the computer. Suddenly the cat comes. One speaks:
-your cat?
-Yes. As call
-?
-Zyxel.
-A why so?
-Smotri.
beryot a broom, approaches a cat and speaks:
-to Zyxel. Connection!
KOT:
-Pshshshshshshshshshsh

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Sisadmin:
-Well and let say that to use as the password a name of the cat - a bad form!
MT4rgTt_fx32! b, kys-kys-kys...

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- Tell, what means one green spark?
-Permission to pedestrians on transition ulitsy.
- And three green sparks?
-It on a dark attic the cat on a cat from pleasure closed one eye.

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- How many of your cats?
- necessary to count ...

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Crossed a rabbit and a cat. He also hunts for mice, but already absolutely with other purpose.

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- Listen and that it is tankmen a cat on armor carry? Yes they the device of night vision spent on drink
-!

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The dog thinks: "Here, I live at people - they feed me, play with me, walk, caress... Probably, they are Gods" .
KOT thinks: "Here, I live at people - they feed me, play with me, caress, on a pillow allow to sleep... Apparently, I am a God!"

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Two cats gathered for blyadka. Old and young. Old completely blind, and young one-eyed. Young conducts the old. Go, go, here the young will come across a healthy eye a knot and completely slepnet.
molodoy:
-Vse blya, send your mother....
STARYY:
-Prishli? Well hello girls......

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The neighbor, I have a great grief! The cat ran away from me!
-is strange when you were left by the wife, in my opinion, you so strongly were not afflicted! But after all my wife had no
-of three medals from the international exhibition!

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The neighbor - sosedu:
-We at last accustomed our cat to do affairs on gazetu.
-well still to teach him to wait until we read up it.

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The neighbor asks soseda:
-Why your cat so shouts when you wash her?
-A at you does not shout? As you it squeeze out
-NET.
-A?

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Asked a cat: Tell
-, however, that in March...
-That you, March not an exception!

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The man on lestnitse.
na the second floor goes down the neighbor holds a cat in rukakh
i blue murder screams to it on ukho:
-I WANT Lyusyu from the 56th apartment, I WANT Lyusyu from the 56th apartment...
MUZHIK:
- The Neighbour, you why to a cat shout at an ear?
SOSED:
-is impossible for me, and all night long under a window it is possible for it?!!

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The old gray-haired maid had a rest on a verandah with the favourite cat, being shaken in a chair as suddenly from nowhere there was a fairy godmother and volunteered to execute three of her most treasured zhelaniya.
-Hm... - mistrustfully the old woman said, - if you do not joke, then turn this chair in zoloto.
feya waved a fan, and the old maid came to be on a gold heap. Having been delighted, she asked, whether it is possible to state two more zhelaniya.
-Of course, - the fairy godmother, - any answered, pleasing to yours serdtsu.
- Then turn me into the young attractive girl, - asked starushka.
posledoval one more wave of a fan, and her desire was ispolneno.
- And now, - told young creation, - turn my cat in young harmonous bryuneta.
dobraya the fairy for the third time waved a fan and disappeared as soon as on that knead where was the cat, appeared the young dark-haired handsome. It slowly approached the former old maid, strong pressed her to the breast and with bitterness promolvil:
-Well, now you do not regret, what brought me to the veterinarian to operation?

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The old cat learns young as to look after kitties. In the heat of lecture one impatient young man zamyaukal:
-Why to us all this? Ourselves with moustaches! Let's consult!
stary has a look at it and speaks:
- The Boy if I in your years had such mentor as I, all of you would be my children!

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I stand at night on a balcony, I smoke. I hear from below "very meow". Well I think let me answer: I - meow!
-meow I - myau
-Well the man, is good! I look for a cat!
-o_o

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Judge: - Of what you accuse the husband? He called by
-me kiskoy.
-Well and what?
-A decided to check then, having dumped from the third floor, whether I will fall on all four paws!

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- The son, you when will grow up whom you want to become?
-Mail carrier...
-of Hm... and still? - Cleaner of pools...
-of N-yes, and still?
-Veterinarian...
-So, Mother, it after all found the cartridge...

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- What babies?
- Ssuschee punishment!
- kittens and puppies A?
- Vezdessuschee evil.