Jokes about love

Read funny Jokes about love

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Newlyweds receive a room key in hotel.
portye:
-B what time to wake you?
ON:
-B two, four, six and eight!!!

*****

The young man at gadalki:
-you define only the future or the past too?
-I that, and drugoye.
-In that case, be kind, open for me the past of my future wife.

*****

Young pair got married, he also speaks to it: as ty
moya the wife, has to respect my habits. at me is them 3:
1. Every Wednesday I play with friends soccer. Rain, snow, chto
by sluchilos_ FOOTE-BOL!
Understood?
Understood, answers Wife
2. Every Friday I with friends play in preferans.
-Ponyala?
-Ponyala-answers Wife.
i, at last,
3: Every Sunday u
menya fishing. Winter, cold, birthday of the mother-in-law - all the same. -
U me RY-BAL-KA. Understood?
Understood, answers жена.
- Well and? Chto
skazhesh?
-Ya everything ponyala
-Vozrazheniya is?
-NET
-A can be,
U you too is some habits? odna.
ya every evening at 9 o'clock I am engaged in
-DA, seksom.
est the husband of the house, is not present muzha
doma-all the same, I have a SEX

*****

The conventual costs at the road and votes. Before it smart "Porsh", and at a wheel - the beautiful girl brakes. Well she sat down there - there was on puti.
-a Girl, - she asks, - and where you took such car?
- The Husband podaril.
- And where you took this necklace?
- The Lover podaril.
dovezla the girl the conventual to the monastery and they said goodbye. Night came. The conventual in the cell goes to bed. Suddenly hears knock for dveryyu.
-Who? - I ask monashka.
-It, - the father Onufry, - hears otvet.
-Yes you went on figs, the father Onufry, with the caramels...

*****

The conventual costs at the road and votes. Before it smart "Porsh", and at a wheel - the beautiful girl brakes. Well she sat down there - there was on puti.
-a Girl, - she asks, - and where you took such car?
- The Husband podaril.
- And where you took this necklace?
- The Lover podaril.
dovezla the girl the conventual to the monastery and they said goodbye. Night came. The conventual in the cell goes to bed. Suddenly hears knock for dveryyu.
-Who? - I ask monashka.
-It, - the father Onufry, - hears otvet.
-Yes you went on figs, the father Onufry, with the caramels...

*****

Two wash in a bath: man of average years and old man. The man on the member has a fat headdress: "Petya", at the old man on wrinkled only 2 semi-erased letters by the same size: "P … I". The man looked and speaks:
-That, too Petya?
-Is not present, in youth was: "Hi from Sevastopol".

*****

The husband, the military, finds the wife with the lover, takes out pistolet.
-Went with me. Leave. The husband offers lyubovniku:
-Let's find out once and for all who is necessary to it. Let's make so: I will shoot two times, and both of us will fall. To whom the wife to the first will run up, that and remains with her. The wife hears two shots, looks out of the window, krichit:
-Vanyusha, get out. These cretins shot down each other!

*****

The husband comes back home late at night and speaks zhene:
-You will never guess where I was, expensive!
-I will guess, but is fine, let's listen to your version at first.

*****

The husband comes back home before the usual. At the wife - lyubovnik.
Wife runs out towards to the husband with garbage vedrom.
-Darling, did not undress yet, take out, please musor.
poka the husband takes out garbage, the lover runs out on a ladder on the top floor, then safely leaves nezamechennym.
idet and thinks: it is necessary, what clear head! Comes to itself home. The wife meets him with garbage vedrom:
-Darling so far you did not undress, emission, please, musor.
vynosit the husband garbage and thinks: well that for the silly woman - the whole day of the house, and garbage there is no time to throw out!

*****

The husband speaks to the wife: "Children advised such dope to me - everything will be, as by the 1st time and even better! I will go to kitchen, I will accept it." Was absent 5 minutes, returned - indeed, it is better than by the 1st time! The wife asks - once again. The husband went to kitchen again, there were no his minutes 15, and again all - is magnificent. The wife asks - well still though a time. "I do not know, whether it will turn out." Left on kitchen - and there is no it the whole hour. The wife became agitated, enters on kitchen and sees: the husband sits, having squeezed the head hands, and inspires in himself: "FOREIGN wife... FOREIGN wife..."

*****

The husband goes out with the friends. A bit earlier to return it home, the wife sends the SMS message: "come faster, I want you!" Passes hour, the husband is not present, the answer tozhe.
Wife sends the second message: "All right, be not afraid, go home, I already do not want you!"

*****

husband :
-Expensive! You want, today everything will be, how for the first time?! We will snatch the friend on the friend and we will directly make love on a floor!
Wife:
-O! Darling! Of course!!! Ah!! How long it was!!! You Want
husband :
-?!! THEN WASH UP the FLOOR!!!!

*****

The husband long was in business trip and, coming back, sent the telegram to the wife that met. Arrived - wives at the station net.
"Here rubbish, - the husband thinks. - Or perhaps and not rubbish?
mozhet, it in kitchen covered a little table, a small bottle prepared and waits for me?". Took a taxi, arrived home and at once on kitchen. There is neither small bottle, nor covered stola.
"Here rubbish! - the husband thinks. - or perhaps and not rubbish?
mozhet, it in a bedroom, spread a bed, lies and waits for me?" .
ON in a bedroom. Precisely: the wife lies in a bed, but not one, and with lyubovnikom.
"Here rubbish! - the husband thinks. - Or perhaps and not rubbish?
A can, it did not receive the telegram...".

*****

The husband and the wife together split in the evening a bottle wine and the husband asks:
-Darling you could tell me something such that it both afflicted me and pleased at the same time?
-U the member is more than you, than at your brother!

*****

The husband and the wife started making love. And suddenly on padio:
- Attention, attention, the third world war began! Ha our city falls an atomic bomb! Farewell, companions... - bitterly plachet.
Wife - muzhu:
- At you always so, the back hurts, an atomic bomb...

*****

The husband and the wife have dinner. The wife spills on herself borshch:
-Faugh! I look as a pig!
-Aga. Also a borsch has a shower bath!

*****

The husband and the wife note thirty-five-year-old joint life. The husband speaks:
-you Remember, thirty five years ago, we removed the cheap apartment, slept on the cheap sofa, watched black- And-white TV... Now we have everything - expensive house, expensive furniture, the machine and the plasma TV. But thirty five years ago I slept with the very young 21-year-old girl, and now it is necessary to sleep with the 56-year-old woman.

*****

The husband - zhene:
-Listen... this... tomorrow there will be a wedding of my best friend with this... as it... Julia Roberts... What
-else friend? You that, could not tell me earlier? What will I put on? I have nothing to put on! And gift! Where we will look for a gift?
-Well you are a silly woman! This cinema such - "A wedding of my best friend". What you dark, uncivilized...
-You would be silent better about culture. When I last time told you, what we will go to "The swan lake", who with rods popersya?

*****

The husband agreed with the wife to replace the phrase "Let's make love" on the phrase "Give popechatay on the machine" that children did not understand. The husband comes to the wife to kitchen and speaks:
-Give popechatay on the machine? Give
Wife:
-, only I now will finish washing ware, and I go, and you go prepare mashinku.
proshlo 5 minutes so far. husband :
-Give popechatay on the machine?!
-Now, ware I will wipe and I go!
proshlo of 5 more minutes. The wife at last left from kitchen, came to a bedroom and speaks:
-Give popechatay on the machine!
husband :
-Neey, I already handwrote!

*****

The husband agreed with the wife to replace the phrase "Let's make love" on the phrase "Give popechatay on the machine" that children did not understand. The husband comes to the wife to kitchen and speaks:
-Give popechatay on the machine? Give
Wife:
-, only I now will finish washing ware, and I go, and you go prepare mashinku.
proshlo 5 minutes so far. husband :
-Give popechatay on the machine?!
-Now, ware I will wipe and I go!
proshlo of 5 more minutes. The wife at last left from kitchen, came to a bedroom and speaks:
-Give popechatay on the machine!
husband :
-Neey, I already handwrote!

*****

The husband with the wife are engaged lyubovyyu.
vdrug a call to a door!
Wife:
-Oh, it probably husband!
husband , being enough clothes and opening okno:
-Wait, and I who?

*****

The husband with the wife come to the crowded sanatorium. They are settled on different cases, in many-placed numbers. In some days to the husband becomes unbearable …
NU, and, generally, they in the evening found bushes on a bed … and in the heat of process them zastukivat storozh.
-Well that pigeons, we spoil a bed, from you a penalty!
muzhik: - Well, maybe, on the first time warn and release?
storozh: - Well, all right go! And to you the citizen of indulgence will not be, I already the fifth time zastukivat you here!

*****

The husband with the wife sit in kitchen after the unlucky working day. The wife vzdykhayet:
-Oh, me on tomorrow soup it is necessary varit.
-to You that, - the husband longs, - and to me it is it is necessary still tomorrow!

*****

The husband addresses to the wife who with enthusiasm looks televizor.
-That there show today?
-Ah, again this eternal triangle: husband, wife and... family budget.

*****

The husband poddaty came back home and knocked Shchas a saw thinks of a tree at podjezda.
so rage "I will take and I will cut nafig" .
zakhodit home, speaks to the wife: - Where saw?
-Yes anywhere...
-WHERE SAW?!
-U soseda.
-Why gave? Yes I did not give
-...
-WHY GAVE?!
-Yes I did not know that it such talkative...

*****

The husband came domoy:
-Where a pancake my slippers! And, you are a blockhead, again it seems the two picked up! And there is nothing to guzzle again?
Wife: - Now I will prepare, suffer a little. Well you on all rush?
husband : - Yes at work all nerves were frazzled, again the whole day was barked!
Wife: - You that will be macaroni, or porridge to weld?
husband : - Yes I am a pancake, as a dog hungry! Give meat …, and I will bite that!

*****

The husband came home ahead of time, looks in a bedroom and sees that two make love. It, without telling the word, takes a frying pan, heats it on gas and puts on the man's bum. Terrible shout - the husband runs away from the apartment. In the yard the wife meets it. It in perplexity asks:
- And who now at us in the apartment?
-Yes is my sister with the husband arrived to stay for a while.

*****

The husband (watches on TV pair figure skaters performance) - and I would do free skating With such figure skater. The wife (straightens a bed) - Now we will look as you will execute the obligatory.

*****

The man in the bar examines ice in kokteyle:
-Look, what interesting form - a piece of ice with dyrkoy.
ego the neighbor with disgust watches in bokal:
-That the interesting here - I on such am married ten years.

*****

The man sees how his neigbour in a staircase as soon as the husband leaves for hunting, behaves ugly, lovers do not manage to replace each other. Looks, she all showed the door, the husband enters an entrance, and the little man cannot wait to tell about everything, in 5 minutes after arrival of the husband he breaks the apartment, looks: the husband beats on a wall magnificent cervine roga.
a the man so disappointedly: "Well here, you already know everything...."

*****

The man makes love with frantsuzhenkoy.
ona in the heat of passion "Tempo" shouts, "Tempo" .
ON thinks quicker, bystree.
dovodit put up to the end, everything normalno.
na morning Decided to look in the dictionary that at such "Tempo" .
chitayet-MIMO!!!

*****

The man makes love with frantsuzhenkoy.
ona in the heat of passion "Tempo" shouts, "Tempo" .
ON thinks quicker, bystree.
dovodit put up to the end, everything normalno.
na morning Decided to look in the dictionary that at such "Tempo" .
chitayet-MIMO!!!

*****

The man comes home with a live goat on hands and finds the wife sitting before televizorom.
-Look, expensive, this and is that cow to whom I make love when hurts you golova.
Wife contemptuously looks at him and speaks:
-My God, you are so stupid that cannot distinguish a goat from a cow!
-My God, you are so stupid that cannot understand that I talk to a goat!

*****

The man arrived from the village to the city. Found to itself the mistress, she lived on the ninth floor... They lie in a bed - is suddenly ringing. Lyubovnitsa:
-Get into a case!
-Why in a case? I am better kitchen gardens, kitchen gardens...

*****

The man comes to doktoru:
- The Doctor, something the member began to be ill me... As often you have
-sex?
-in the Morning with the wife, in the afternoon with the secretary, during the lunchtime with the mistress, after a lunch again with the secretary, in the evening again with the mistress, in the night from the wife...
-So it at you from too frequent occupations by sex! Da's
-? And I thought that from an onanism...

*****

The man comes to the mistress and they start making love. Suddenly call in dver.
- The Husband! - the woman screams. - Jump in okno.
tot jumps. On the street damp. By the group of athletes runs. The man is attached and runs together with them. One asks:
- And you always the naked run?
-Vsegda.
-I with a condom?
-Is not present, only during a rain.

*****

The man comes to the mistress and they start making love. Suddenly call in dver.
- The Husband! - the woman screams. - Jump in okno.
tot jumps. On the street damp. By the group of athletes runs. The man is attached and runs together with them. One asks:
- And you always the naked run?
-Vsegda.
-I with a condom?
-Is not present, only during a rain.

*****

The man comes from work late, on a table zapiska:
"Pelmeni in the freezer, soup on a plate. Do not awake Gennady in a case, to it at night".

*****

The man wakes up in the morning. Touched a bed to the right of himself - nikogo.
At the left - too anybody. Raised a blanket over itself,
glanced there and speaks: - We cost Che? For whom we wait?