Jokes about love

Read funny Jokes about love

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The husband home from work comes and speaks:
-Hear, mother, we with you, it appears, incorrectly all 15 years had sex!
-???
- At work passed Today the magazine from hand to hand, is written, what in process you to groan dolzhna.
vecherom laid down, Wife:
-to Begin? Wait for
-, schas I will insert... Some time husband :
-Begin
through!
-Oh, oh, about - about - oh, is not present money, money not - not - not - that!!!

*****

The man home comes and speaks to the wife: "Everything, we pass to the market relations - as you will want sex, so you pay. Ha to a floor - 10 rubles, on a bed - 25, outdoors with brochettes - 300" the Wife: "Well" also stretches it 300 rubles. TOT:
"That to put to pickle shish kebabs?" It: "No, 30 times on a floor!"

*****

The father to the son and speaks:
- The Sonny comes, let's talk about sekse.
-Give, the father. What do you want to learn about it?

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The son comes from school and speaks ottsu:
- At school Today such case was - Yours! The little girl came into a man's toilet!
-Well, you banished it?
-of the Whole FIVE times!

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I come somehow home, I see - in a hall men's boots stand. Well, I think, the lover came! I come into the room - precisely, came! And to me...

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I come somehow home, I see - in a hall men's boots stand. Well, I think, the lover came! I come into the room - precisely, came! And to me...

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The husband home came to an insole the drunk. The wife vygovarivayet:
-Ah you, the swine how you dared to be in such look?
ON otvechayet:
-I am an owner, in what look I want, in such and I am!
Wife beats him a frying pan on the head, the husband falls under a table and there lezhit.
prikhodit the neigbour to occupy salts. Sees the husband rolling under a table, interesuyetsya:
- And that it at you the husband under a table lies?
-So owner. Where wants, there and lies.

*****

Programmers (he or she) lie in a bed and have a rest after classes lyubovyyu.
ona:
-do not want to repeat procedure? Function did not return to
ON:
-value yet

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The way to the refrigerator of the woman lies through her heart.

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Young man ardently in love substituted a ladder, helped the girl to get out of a window of the 2nd floor, they took seat in a taxi and quickly went. Choking from snickers, the young man asked Driverya:
- The Orli Airport. How many it will cost?
-you in vain worry, monsieur, - unperturbably answered the taxi driver. - Parents of your companion already took care of it.

*****

The drunk husband went home and near the house ran on a bough - wounded, became angry and dumayet:
-Well, a padla now I will come home, I will take a saw and I will saw off a reptile …
zakhodit angry and oryot:
-Wifeaaa! Where saw! vykhodit:
-Anywhere I did not drink
Wife! The pancake got drunk! Yes well chyo you drive
-! I ask - where a saw!!?
-Well at the neighbor drank! and ChYo?!
-As at the neighbor? And why you gave it? I did not give
-to it!!! Well as you did not give
-to it, if the SAW at it!
-Well gave!!! From where I knew that it such pi@dobol.

*****

Get divorced a hare with zaychikhoy.
-What reason?
-It slanting! You it did not see
-A to a wedding?
-Saw, but then I thought that it she makes eyes at me!

*****

Two talk podrugi.
-How you got acquainted with the husband? It was romantic
-. Once I fell in water. And already started sinking, suddenly some young man rushed to me and began to sink nearby. And when we were pumped out, we got married.

*****

Two talk muzhika:
-Tell and when you with the wife love are engaged, she shouts?
-Yes, krichit.
-Strongly shouts?
-is strong, very strong... Tell
-, and at what moment it shouts? When I about curtains the member wipe
-.

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chuvstv:
07:00 - 07:05 - Len.
07:05 - 07:10 - Neokhota.
07:10 - 07:11 - Call of duty (not to forget) the schedule.
07:11 - 07:50 - Full decline sil.
07:50 - 08:30 - Hatred to the neighbor, rage, rage, holod.
08:30 - 11:45 - Indifference, boredom, nedovolstvo.
11:45 - 12:00 - Golod.
12:00 - 12:30 - Weight in all body, rest, udvoletvorennost.
12:30 - 16:15 - Indifference, dullness, melancholy, causeless trevoga.
16:15 - 16:30 - Golod.
16:30 - 16:40 - Weight in all body, rest, udvoletvorennost.
16:40 - 19:59 - Len.
19:59 - 20:00 - Improbable effort voli.
20:00 - 22:30 - Ease in a body, interest in life, kayf.
22:30 - 23:00 - Lyubov.
23:00 - 00:00 - Need for continuation roda.
00:00 - 00:01 - Schastye.
00:01 - 00:05 - the Remorse, repentance, styd.
00:05 - 07:00 - Nausea, heartburn, head bol.
07:00 - 07:05 - Laziness.

*****

- Children, I in the yard met yesterday such girl: eyes - cherries, cheeks - peaches, a figure - a pear... What is it? Lyubov?
-Is not present, Vasya... it is avitaminosis!

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The recipe of happiness - a good stomach, evil heart and lack of conscience …

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The shy, young man, without daring to be expressed orally, tried to express under a table feet the love to the neigbour, tested in love more than once. "If you love me, - she told, - That tell directly, but do not press to me a foot especially as at me is on callosity fingers."

*****

- A camomile, you love me?
-Yes, the Cornflower, I love.
- The Camomile, you want me?
-Yes, the Cornflower, I want.
-Well where these... bees?

*****

- Rustem rescued the girl who sank, and soon on her zhenilsya.
-He is happy? I do not know
-. Only now and close does not approach water.

*****

- What is it? Why are you so glum?
- I found his wife with lyubovnikom.
- God! You killed her?
- No. But I slammed the door so that they certainly understood how I resent.

*****

Today woke up, I look: something not that. And the most opposite that "something not that" too woke up.

*****

Sexual arifmetika:
1. Write, how many days in a week you want to be engaged lyubovyyu.
2. Increase this number on 2.
3. To the received number add 5.
4. Increase the sum on 50.
5. If this year you already had a birthday, add 1750 if is not present - 1749.
6. It is necessary to subtract from the received number your year rozhdeniya.
pervaya figure of the received number is a number of days in a week on which you want zanimatsya
lyubovyyu. Two last - Your age.

*****

Sexual arifmetika:
1. Write, how many days in a week you want to be engaged lyubovyyu.
2. Increase this number on 2.
3. To the received number add 5.
4. Increase the sum on 50.
5. If this year you already had a birthday, add 1750 if is not present - 1749.
6. It is necessary to subtract from the received number your year rozhdeniya.
pervaya figure of the received number is a number of days in a week on which you want zanimatsya
lyubovyyu. Two last - Your age.

*****

Sexual revolution is when storm take the postwoman, the telephonist and the telegraph operator

*****

September 1. Children write compositions. Masha pulls a hand and asks:
-Mar Ivana and as it is written "became pregnant".
-Masha, do not write about summer, write about Pushkin.

*****

Twins in a womb mather:
-sit Look, look, the father all right!
-It, it not the father. The father always comes without raincoat.

*****

The nice woman advertizes in the newspaper: "I ask to return the lost bag with documents for decent or indecent remuneration".

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Tell how you managed to recover from your passion? I was sewn up with
-A.

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- What happened to that young man who to you carried every day flowers?
-He married the florist!

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Listen, I would not have two months zhenshchinu.
-So at you Wife.
-You still remembered mother.

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- Listen how came to your mind to marry Yulka? Yes itself I do not know
-. We sat with it as - that in cafe, to speak there is nothing, skuka
zhutkaya, well, here I also decided...

*****

- Heard, Alexander Mikhaylovich uvolili.
-For what?!
-A found it at the moment when during reception he made love to the patient...
-Yes, is a pity... Where we will find such veterinarian now?

*****

- Hear, and at me, to see, houses a carpet plane are!
is as?!
- Yes already three women flew.

*****

Again our wonderful sonny pulled out money from my wallet, - angrily noticed husband .
-Why you think, what it it? - the wife stood up - Perhaps I took it? It is excluded by
-: there still something remained.

*****

Gathering on a visit, the husband asks zhenu:
-As you think, expensive, what shirt it is better for me to put on: without button or with a dirty collar?

*****

According to data of judicial statistics, still any wife did not shoot the husband when he washed the dishes.

*****

The World congress of women took place. Three were on the agenda voprosa:
1. To carry nechego.
2. All men - svolochi.
3. How to hold the man.

*****

Rubik asks Valiko:
-Listen, Valiko, you why such black? You know
-, darling, when I had to be born, my mother saw the Black, was frightened and ubezhala.
-Listen, Valiko, I tebe clever a thing will tell one, but only you do not take offense. It seems to me that the Black caught up with your mother.