Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about his wife

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I am hungry = I goloden
ya I want to sleep = I want spat
ya I was tired = ystal
ty do not want to go to the cinema? = And then I am going to be engaged with you seksom
mogy I priglait you for dinner? = And then I am going to be engaged with you seksom
mogy I to you to call? = And then I am going to be engaged with you seksom
mozhno to invite you to dance? = And then I am going to be engaged with you seksom
kpasivoye a dress! = Beautiful breast!
B than business? = I Believe, tonight it is possible not to count on sex?
Ya missed = You do not want to have sex? You I love
Ya = Let's have sex directly seychas
ya too I love you = Let's be engaged quicker seksom
davay we will talk = I want to shake you by depth of the thoughts and can be then you will want to be engaged from
mnoy seksom
ty will marry me in marriage? = I want that y you were not opportunities to have sex with other
muzhchinami

*****

- I gave you the best years of the life! And in replacements...
-Aga! In replacements received the best pages of my check-book!
***

*****

- I suggest to spend a New Year's holiday in the quietest domestic surroundings. As it was
kogda... - the husband zhene.
Wife speaks notices that at the spouse even tears came into eyes. She gently embraces ego.
-I agree, the road

*****

- I heard that your marriage looked very romantically. You after all had to kidnap the wife?
-Yes, so it and bylo.
- And her parents pursued you?
-Gnalis.
-I did not catch up?
-Dognali.
-I than all this came to an end?
- They

*****

- A- And! Dear friend, allow you to posoboleznovat!
-A that happened?
-As! Yesterday my wife bought a mink coat!
-A I here and?
-A thus that tomorrow it is going to visit your wife!

*****

The autotourist tells drugu:
-my wife invented very interesting system: that ne
razryazhalis accumulators to which it is connected vse
elektrichestvo our trailer, we go to bed without sveta.
- And what efficiency?
-Accumulators as it should be, but I am on the back then.

*****

- Hallo! It you, Alice? I bought theater tickets!
-is remarkable! I already begin sobiratsya.
-Correctly do! It is necessary to be in time, tickets for tomorrow.

*****

Anna carries on conversation with the girlfriend on the lyubovnike:
-Understand, expensive, it becomes such intolerable that If
tak will proceed, I will change it... with my own husband.

*****

- Ah, - the spouse sighs, - if my husband played with moim
klitorom also often and with the same heat with what it krutit
ruchki the TV, I should not have spent whole sostoyaniye
na batteries to the vibrating massager.

*****

Bath... The man with the son...
SYN steps on soap, slipped, grasped for х&й the father and...
uderzhalsya. Otets:
-Вот...&^&%&. Appreciate... Would go with the mother - it would be killed!

*****

- Poor creature Marcel! As he was not lucky: giving burned down, v
dome there was a fire, its new car had an accident. Vdobavok
ko to all the wife ran away from it. Whether something can be worse? Perhaps if the wife will change the mind
- And will

*****

Talk podrugi:
-you Know, yesterday on a visit I met being muzha.
-Well and what?
-Ya never suspected that it - such pleasant interlocutor!

*****

Talk two elderly man:
-Vasya, - tells one, - we should answer pered
bogom soon. Here I also want to confess before you. You remember, in 1938 godu
tebya put for the whole 10 years? And so, know is I "dripped". You remember
A, after prison you got a job on plant, but soon tebya
uvolili? and so, know - and here I again "dripped".
-are Wanted also by me before you to confess, - tells another. - You svoyego
syna well know Mishka?
-Still! Twenty five years I raise and I bring up! And so and you know
-: it I dripped!

*****

- Why God created women such beautiful and such silly? -
razdrazhenno exclaimed husband .
-Beautiful - that men could love us, - right there nashlas
Wife, - and silly - that we could love men.

*****

The rich bachelor bequeathed the state to several women,
kotorye rejected its offer on a marriage in due time. V
EGO the will it was told: "I am obliged to them by the world and happiness,
kotorym enjoyed all life..."

*****

- My God, as times change! My mother still remembers how moy
otets the first time kissed her, and my sister already forgot, kak
zvali her first husband!

*****

- What would you think of me, about the stranger if I sent vam
vozdushny a kiss?
-That you are the idler avoiding the real work...

*****

- There was a divorce, the child was given to the wife, and it nespravedlivo.
-Why?
-Well, as... Here you release in the machine gun three kopeks, and it vydayet
tebe a glass of water with siropom.
-Well?
-What "well"? So whose it is a glass -

*****

In avtobuse:
-Girl, you probably, stripper?
-Yes, and how you guessed? You a foot hold
-A a hand-rail.

*****

In hospital two ladies speak about just died podruge:
-I Would like to have her feet - it had charming feet!
zhalko - will be gone now...

*****

In marriage kontore.
-you whom prefer, Ms., the blonde or the brunette? I wanted
-red! Know, I have all furniture of red color!

*****

In lost and found the man explains, what forgot a raincoat in avtobuse.
-you could not is more detailed to describe this bus?
-Well of course! The white-green bus, at which wheel sidela
uzhasno the seductive blonde. Bright, beautiful. Bez
byustgaltera, because her convex nipples strongly vydelyalis
na the blue sweater fitting a breast. I also noticed that ee
nebesno-blue panties were sheathed by laces, the white I
O-very exciting.

*****

On a visit the old friend came. Sit at a table. The owner periodicheski
obrashchayetsya to the zhene:
-Darling, bring, please, still chayu.
-to Zolottsa, be so kind, give sakhar.
- The Sun, your pie is matchless, it is possible still?
POKA the wife follows a pie, the friend voskhishchayetsya:
-I envy you: you so much time are married, and still it tak
lyubish, the sun, zolotets call!
-Yes that you! Simply I years five as forgot her name!

*****

In life of each woman there are three perioda:
v the first it irritates the father, in the second - to the husband, and v
tretyem - to the son-in-law.

*****

In a registry office registers divorce a married couple very preklonnykh
let.
-Between us for a long time everything is over, - the old woman explains, - but my
ne wanted to cause the divorce troubles to children. Here i
prishlos to wait until all die...

*****

In magazine.
velika the price, and is no place to recede. Behind - the wife!

*****

In the sea, near the coast, the woman appeals about pomoshchi:
-Tonu-u-u-u... Rescue, I sink. No, not to you, and the brunette,
kotory for you, in nylon swimming trunks.

*****

In meat lavke.
-That wish, madam?
-Cut out to me, please, a meat slice, that it garmoniroval
s blue and green florets on my plates.

*****

- In our family everything becomes as the wife, - speaks
muzhchina priyatelyu.
-Yes that you wants, cannot knock a fist on a table?!
-Why I cannot? You think, why I have this bruise pod
glazom?

*****

Today, to be modern, the woman has to look, kak
yunaya the girl, to put on as boy, to think, how the man i
rabotat as a horse.

*****

At small Parisian "White Guard" restaurant sit the dva
starika-emigrant. Twilight. Sounds silent sad muzyka.
-Eh - x, Pavel Ivanych... Here now to climb on this grand piano, snyat
shtany and to shit!.
-Yes is full to you, kind Pyotr Antonych! They shiroty
russkoy will not understand soul...

*****

The hotel includes very elderly person accompanied ochen
molodenkoy zhenshchiny.
-Good afternoon, the sir, - bowed to it portye.
-We prepared for you double number for you and yours docheri.
-you that, do not see, - the gentleman became angry, - that ya
slishkom is old to have such very young daughter? This is my wife!

*****

In police resorts tear-stained zhenshchina:
-Find my husband, I cannot live without it, and it ischez.
- When it occurred?
-Week nazad.
-But why you just now declare it?
-U it today pay.

*****

In a bed spouses lie. The husband starts the wife squeezing, and in reply as obychno:
"the head hurts me, leave alone!" .
togda it gets from under a pillow a ring with diamond. ONA:
- And? What does it mean? What do I am a prostitute?. or little schoolgirl?. or passionate nurse?.

*****

In crowd one mister pushed another around. The last v
serdtsakh kriknul:
-Settled!
-A I am veterinarian, than I can be useful? - otvechayet
spokoyno pushed around.

*****

In that men often lie, women are guilty: they slishkom
nastoychivo interrogate the husbands.

*****

The man transfers a talonchik in transport to the woman and prosit:
- The Small fish, punch You're welcome.
nu that transfers further, and itself dumayet:
"Time of a rybonk - means a pike, time a pike - means toothy, raz
zubastaya - means I bite, time I bite - the dog means,
raz a dog - means a bough, bough time - means бл#".
-Companions! He blya %^ called me!

*****

Evening. The husband comes home. On a table zapiska:
"Meat in the refrigerator, soup on a plate. You will bang - do not awake."

*****

Grandsons not the reason that the man felt like the old man. And vot
soznaniye that he sleeps with the grandmother, now that's something like it!