Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about husband

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Two brisk housewives stand in a queue in shop and boltayut:
-my husband left hospital. To it removed appenditsit.
- And what is it?
-Is such small shoot in the bottom of a stomach, it is necessary to nobody,
NO of business go better when it net.
-needs to be told about it to the husband.

*****

podrugi:
-That you presented two to the husband for New year?
-Blue norku.
- And it to you?
-Fishing tackles.

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Two friends stir behind a cup kofe.
-I adore the nature, - speaks odna.
other attentively looked at the girlfriend and is venomous zametila:
- And it what she with you made?

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Two friends talk behind a glass dzhina.
-Speak, you taught the wife to play the bridge? - lyubopytstvuyet
odin from nikh.
-Yes, you know, it was the magnificent idea, - rasskazyvayet
vtoroy. - Last Wednesday, for example, I won against it pochti
polovinu the salary.

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- The girl, you know the murderer Lermontov?
-you that, for the silly woman hold me? I know that Lermontov not the murderer, but the Great Russian writer!

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The girl plays billiards. Long, slowly aims, but misses, and a cue, having jumped up, from everything to scope gets to a bum to the man standing near a table. Devushka:
-Oh, the man, forgive for God's sake, I wanted on spheres!

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- Girl, what stunning legs! Where you studied karate?

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- The girl, you love dry wine? Fill
-, eloquent!

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- The girl, you are so beautiful in this evening dress!
-Man, you that okhrenel? Close a door!

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- You juice have a girl?
-Juice "Ya" is good? Well give to
-"Buttock"...

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The girl asks at parnya:
- And in you there is a highlight?
-Yes in me is full of them! I it is possible to tell - cake.

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The girl is kneeling and molitsya:
- The Saint maiden Maria who conceived without sin help me to sin bez
zachatya.

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- Girl, what phone at you?
-Motorola.
-Is not present, I mean number?
-Federalnyy.
-Well, figures what?
-Arab.

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- The girl you from school?
-Still what!

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Girls! If you lost hope to find the guy in life - go to the Internet, all of them there!

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The little girl leaves the guy, things collects. It it asks:
-That happened?
-my friends told Me that you pedofil.
-U-u-u what you know words in 12 years!!!

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- What to do - I'll never know. My husband always says svoey
byvshey wife!
- You're lucky. Here is my all time Petka talk about the future.

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- John, allow to express you condolences. I heard, chto
gospod took your third wife...
-Yes, and I took myself the fourth.

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Dialogue in ocheredi:
- The Girl, you is married?
-Is not present, I here for this man!

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Dialogue in tualete:
- The Man, at you a piece of paper sticks out of an ass!
-Truth?!
-Is not present! "News".

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- For what men are necessary?
-For hindrances in work, - severely said business zhenshchina.
-For changes, - angrily exclaimed revnivitsa.
-For dirt, - fastidiously uttered zhenshchina-chistyulya.
-For love and only for love, - pensively whispere

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- To what you, married men, happy people! - vzdokhnul
kholostyak. - Homeliness, comfort, a ready dinner on a table,
lyubimaya and the tender wife expecting your arrival... Look,
tak late, and in your window light still burns!
-my God, deystvit

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- You are happy with the husband?
-Yes, of course, but it such spoiled... Always, when nachinayet
stirat diapers, wants that I read it aloud newspapers!

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The doctor that to do to me, the husband does not satisfy me!
-Dear lady, I can recommend you very effective medicine, but eventually, the husband not necessarily has to know about it. Find to yourself the lover... Yes I have
- The lover! All the same I have not enough!!!
-Dear, well, the lover can be and not only...
-Yes at me them 10, and all the same malo.
-So, well, I will write out to you hormones, in 14 days come on kontrol.
Wife comes home, victoriously puts before the husband the recipe doktora:
-Here you see, any I not bl@d - am sick I!!

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- Darling I in life knew only one clever zhenshchinu.
-It whom else?
-You, silly woman!

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- Darling I so strongly love you but if I learn that you change me - I will kill! - Do not worry, darling, you constantly in traveling, well how you learn?

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- Darling it is so difficult for me to find necessary slova.
-Anything, darling. The main thing - to find the necessary sum.

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- My dear, you buy me a mascara?
- Buy lyubimaya.
- A liner?
- A vodka under you and so good.

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- Honey, we need to sell this psa.
- Why?
- He howls when I start pet.
- Um ... but you start first.

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- Darling, is no time me here. We with little girls note. Take away the son. - From where? - From maternity hospital!

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- Darling, is no time me here. We with little girls note. Take away syna.
-From where?
-From maternity hospital...

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- Darling, - orders the wife to the husband, - wish quiet nochi
kiske and carry mummy in a garden. That is, I meant...
-Too late! It is already made.

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- Get from the refrigerator a pie, milyy.
-Please. And on how many pieces to cut it: on four ili
vosem?
-Please, on four. To me not to overcome eight!

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The meticulous reporter sticks to the wife known letchika-ispytatelya:
-Well and the last question: when your husband carries out figures vysshego
pilotazha, you do not worry, what he will be mistaken and will make that-nibud
ne so?
-Is not present, no! After all the night before we with it will see off generalnuyu
repetitsiyu.
-As?! In the plane?
-Is not present... I happen by plane.

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The friend asks:
-Why you do not carry a wedding ring?
-For a throat smothers!

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Two friends were on friendly terms. Pyotr and Vasily. They had one podruga
nina. Passed year. Pyotr and krichit:
-Vas, Vas runs!
-Well that to you?
-of Ning twins rodila.
-Well and what?
-As that! I took away the. And you take the.

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Drive two women the car, bang! the wheel lowered. Both approach k
kolesu, one another speaks:
-Well here, all air left...
other otvechayet:
-Yes everything, from above remained.

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- If not you, - sighed the wife, - we would be ideal couple.

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If you invited the girl to dance, and she agreed, do not rejoice: in the beginning you after all should dance.