Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about husband

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The wife talks with advokatom:
-I within ten years every Saturday soap to the husband a back...
-Unless is the reason for divorce?
-But last Saturday his back was absolutely pure.

*****

The wife awakes neprotrezvivshegosya the husband after poluchki.
-Get up, for work opozdayesh.
- And you cleaned a jacket?
-Vychistila.
-A cleaned boots? So they pockets have no
-.

*****

The wife returned from work, sat down on a sofa, having drawn in feet, and, looking,
kak the husband washes the floors, saida:
-You know, darling, the director again told that for the sake of me it gotov
brosit a family. But it, of course, shutit.
-Or perhaps is not present? - with hope in a voice the husband asked.

*****

The wife comes back home in bad mood. The husband asks:
-That with you, than you are upset?
-Is not present, it is simply awful! - she exclaims. - When I go po
magazinam to buy a gift on your birthday, me on-
padayutsya on the thing eyes suitable only on me!

*****

The wife speaks muzhu:
-I Want to adopt three-months English rebenka.
- And what you with it will do? When he starts telling
-, I will study uk it to English.

*****

Wife:
-Darling, as to us to us with advantage to spend the forthcoming day?
husband :
-to Divorce and divide property...

*****

The wife calls the husband on mobilnik:
-Vanya, where are you?
-On okhote.
- And who it so breathes loudly?
-Medved.
-A groans why?
-I Wounded ego.
- And why a voice female?
-Well, you know! I am a hunter, but not the veterinarian!

*****

The wife plays a violin. husband :
-Well, all right, stop! I will buy you a new dress!

*****

- Your wife stirs much?
- When we were on holiday, at it even language sunbathed!

*****

- The wife so looks after now me, what even itself takes off s
menya boots...
-It when you come from club?
-Is not present when I am going to club.

*****

The wife could not leave with the husband somewhere because tot
silno used foul language. Once it to it speaks:
-Listen, I want to descend at least once with you in shop. If
ty you will want to use foul language, be better expressed by names tsvetov.
prishli in shop. Stand in a queue. The husband sees: one beret bez
ocheredi, the second, third. His patience burst. Approaches to odnomu
iz them, takes by the scruff of the neck and speaks:
-Listen, a rosette, pion from here, and that as zatyulpanyu, chto
zasirenishsya!

*****

The wife with the husband sit in the bar. Here the wife notices some man at a bar counter and shows muzhu:
-Look at him, here I left this guy seven years ago, and since then it all pyyot.
-All right, anybody does not celebrate so much.

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-Darling, of a gait with me as with the Ball: feed, give to drink i
vypusti to take a walk.

*****

The wife muzhu:
-If you knew how I want some black caviar! So buy
-to bank of the marrow. From above it always the black.

*****

Wife-muzhu:
-If I - a cow, you are a zoophile!

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-Darling! I decided to make implantation grudi.
-On a horse-radish? It is scary expensive! Take better tualetnuyu
bumagi and three to it between siskami.
- And what, they really will become more?! I do not know
-, but on your ass it worked.

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-it is necessary to us with you seriously pospeaks.
on:
-you Can begin, I will return soon.

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-I Imagine, what terrible suspicions arose v
tvoyey to the head when I disappeared for two days from domu.
-Yes, I thought at once that you will return.

*****

The wife - muzhu:
-we go on a visit Today. Try not to strike in Russian salad with the person!

*****

The wife of the police officer complains to the judge who zanimayetsya
brakorazvodnym protsessom.
-Life with my husband became simply intolerable. In time
zavtraka, a lunch and a dinner the same comedy: he zastavlyaet
menya to drink wine half-bottles then settles v
kresle, undoes trousers and speaks: "Now we will check, whether ne
pyana you. Well, blow in "tubule".

*****

The wife brings home liverwurst. Why you it bought
- The husband asks it - with This kolbasoy
teper feed only house zhivotnykh.
-Know, darling, do not bark!

*****

The wife comes to the District Department of Internal Affairs and declares, what her husband four days not byl
doma.
-your husband has any special signs? - asks
dezhurny militsioner.
-Is not present, but let will only come back home, and they right there will appear.

*****

- The wife, we lived with you 50 years. Now you can tell me everything. You sometime changed me? Speak, I proshchu.
-Changed everything. It was only 3 times. You remember, you had a heart attack and in hospital nobody wanted to undertake your operation,

*****

The wife of the industrialist tells the podruge:
-Well and I was silly all these years! I trusted the husband kazhdyy
raz when he rang six o'clock in the morning and spoke, chto
bukvalno is immured in an office obsessed rabotnikom
profsoyuza.
-It was not so?
-Well why! But if you saw what dazzling
blonde they chose as the chairman of labor union!

*****

The wife decided to commit suicide. Rose on a window sill before an open window and tells muzhu:
-to You me not to dissuade! I all the same will jump out of a window! I do not want to live with such ladies' man and the villain! Also stop to push me!

*****

The wife swears on muzha:
-What fool eats soup with a knife? Unless I am guilty
-that the fork proceeds.

*****

The wife in tears speaks muzhu:
-I repeated two weeks to you that I should give nothing on the date of the birth, and you everything is equal about it forgot!

*****

The wife asks muzha:
-Darling, that to present to you to birthday?
-For one evening to pretend to be the deaf-mute.

*****

The wife of the old speaks to the muzhu:
-Remember once and for all! If I speak "my dear", I have vvidu
tolko our dog.

*****

Wife:
-I demand that we were parted: the husband without my permission sold vse
kastryuli, and money propil.
husband :
-I too ask to part us: loss of pans the wife zametila
tolko for the sixteenth day!

*****

The wife left the husband. She speaks materi:
- At home As soon as I left the house, the shot was distributed. How you think, the gun?
-Ya I think, champagne.

*****

The wife reads the newspaper and vozmushchayetsya:
-is written Here that in the east change the woman for a horse. You by
nikogda did not make it, the road? Of course, - the husband, - as a last resort answered
- The car.

*****

The women's congress long sat on a question: "What word mozhno
zamenit concept "penis"?" Also came to a conclusion that bolshe
vsego the word "world" will approach. Why? Because "in our hands on
krepnet".

*****

The woman complains the znakomoy:
-Oh, this present youth! Represent, my daughter in svoi
shestnadtsat already has years the gentleman, and that today mne
ispolnilos thirty years, forgot!

*****

The woman in shop asks to release her 30 meters byazi.
- And why to you very much? - is interested prodavets.
-I want to sew to myself night rubashku.
-Well, on a shirt to you in 3 meters hvatit.
- The matter is that my husband the scientist, and it protsess
poiska interests more, than result.

*****

The woman with the baby on hands meets at gate tyurmy
supruga, served sentence for huliganstvo.
-It is your child? - is surprised husband .
-Yes. But if you behaved decently, it could be and yours.

*****

The woman addresses to doktoru:
- The Doctor, please, do not hide from me anything! Whether will be able moy
husband after that awful fracture of a hand though somehow myt
posudu?!

*****

The woman arrived from abroad where watched a striptease. Muzh
interesuyetsya: whether really it is so awful how at us write?
Wife speaks:
-Yes I to you pokazhu.
vklyuchayet music and slowly razdevayetsya.
-is valid, a disgusting show, - the husband speaks.

*****

The woman comes to the healer and zhaluyetsya:
-Know, my husband does not want me at all (((
znakharka:
-here to you a potion, you to it add a pinch to food and sekas at you simply ult!!
NU the wife came home, made a dinner. The husband came, she to him set the table and dumayet:ekh, and suddenly pinches a little? give I for fidelity more!! Also poured out all paketik.
husband went to a plate to eat and itself to the room to smarten up: put on erotic belyishko, a peignoir, etc. Settled down.
vdrug to the room flies the husband with eyes on 5 rubles and oret:
-Darling you saw as pelmeni of ibutsets???
ona: no!!!
ON: Go, LOOK!!!!!!