Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about husband

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The woman tells podrugam:
-Represent, I sleep somehow one in the apartment and suddenly slyshu
shorokh. Lit a night lamp and I see - the room is hung around by the stranger,
yavno the thief, but nice. Well, I also speak emu:
-That in two hours and to spirit of yours was not here!

*****

Women share difficulties marriage zhizni:
- At me - the ladies' man, home night - after midnight is declared, kobel.
-would wash kobelirovat better, and he is a drunk, all to a thread propivayet.
- And at me, women, the husband - sifilitik.
-!!!
husband , passing mimo:
-Masha, I so many time spoke to you. Not the syphilitic, but philatelist.

*****

- How you live? - one friend drugogo.
-As in the fairy tale asks! The wife - the witch, the mother-in-law - the Baba-yaga, the brother - the
solovey-robber, children - imps. But the neigbour - Vasilisa
prekrasnaya, and the husband at it - Ivan the

*****

The journalist interviews the retired captain,
-So, the captain, remember what to you was necessary to endure samuyu
strashnuyu a storm in the life?
stary the old salt, after some razdumya:
-I think that it happened when I spat in kitchen,
kotoruyu were just washed up by my wife!

*****

- That for tactlessness! I say to you, what my wife expects a baby, you ask
A, from whom? Well excuse
-, please, I thought that you know.

*****

- Yes you zakolebat me! You come back late at night, you nataptyvat in a corridor, you rattle ware, you awake me! - I will be!

*****

- As lately yours considerably grew thin Wife.
-It she is obliged to one smart Chinese diet: the whole month,
pitatsya one chicken broth by means of the Chinese sticks.

*****

- You know, what compliment was left to me today by the wife? - gordo
proiznes What Shrang.
-? - became interested drug.
-She told that as the husband I am simply ideal - always ostayus
doma when it leaves somewhere, and I do not grumble, when it

*****

- You know, me left Wife.
-In that case take a bottle of vodka and drown in it the gore.
-Nothing poluchitsya.
-That, there is no money?
-Money is. The grief is not present.

*****

- Means you claim, - the judge asks the witness, - chto
byli the eyewitness of how in family Sabov began dissonance?
-Yes, of course! I was a best man at their wedding...

*****

There are two men down the street. Towards - the beautiful woman. One speaks:
-Here mine to the wife such feet...
through five minutes - one more beauty. Muzhik:
-Here if mine had such breasts...
I so all road. Suddenly they meet the wife of the "dreaming" man. It speaks:
-Darling you will not believe it, all road of you thought!

*****

From water pulled out utopavshuyu.
-Pulse fights... she is living... Perfectly, the madam, whether say hot
slovo.
- There is no pocket mirror at whom?

*****

- Sorry, that money all wet, - was told by the lady to the seller v
mekhovom shop. - The husband so sobbed when gave them to me...

*****

- Sorry, - Young mother asks the lady sitting in zhenskoy
konsultatsii, - than you feed the child?
-As than? So far bust.

*****

- Interestingly, and your Arkady remembers date of your wedding?
-Fortunately, net.
- And why "fortunately"?
-Ya I remind it of it several times in a year and everyone raz
poluchayu gifts.

*****

- Every time when I ask you to buy me a new coat, ya
vsegda I receive the same answer! - You are indignant Wife.
-But after all and address with the same request.

*****

- What wife can always precisely tell, where her husband?
-Only widow.

*****

- What now breasts in fashion?
-Malenkiye.
-A what to do to at whom big? To Wear
-.

*****

When in a cinema hall after the end of the movie light flashes, BoWife
neozhidanno sees sitting ahead of it muzha.
-Ah, - she screams, - means so you are engaged with children,
poka I look after sick mother?!

*****

- My kitty! To Zolottsa mine! Where are you?
-Ya here, darling!
-Went on figs! I look for a cat.

*****

- Who such model husband? - ask at muzha.
-Is what having entered a bedroom to the wife and having seen it s
lyubovnikom, will tell: "All right, children, you finish here, and I poydu
i will make coffee"...
-A who such indicative lover?

*****

- Where you would like to get, to paradise or a hell? - asks hozyayka
doma the znakomuyu.
-It is hard to say, - she speaks. - From the point of view of climate, ray
predpochtitelnee, but in a hell society is more interesting.

*****

Wood. Spouses gather mushrooms. The wife found big cepe i
asks:
-Darling it is an edible fungi? So far you from it prepared nothing
-yes!

*****

Go to bed the husband with the wife, the husband already dozes and in the sleep speaks:
-Light...
Wife to it hryas from all force on a forehead, it, the poor fellow, already eyes vypuchil:
-For what?
-What else, nakhren, Sveta?! I am Galya!
-What you are Galya?! You are a silly woman, bl::: d! Turn off the light!

*****

Lola meets the girlfriend with a baby carriage and the Exact copy of the daddy looks vnutr.
-!
-That's it! And my husband claims that the son is similar to it.

*****

- Darling, what beautiful eyes at you!
-of Hm... (confusedly). What
-A at you a mouth!
-of Hm... (confusedly). What
-nose!
-of Hm... (confusedly).
-A what ears!
-Little fool... (confusedly hides the face in an ear).

*****

- Madam why you reduced the age for six years? The matter is that the first six years I was not able to consider
-.

*****

Michael explains sudye:
-I am compelled to ask divorce. Before, when I came from work,
pes welcomed me bark, and the wife brought bedroom-slippers. Now zhe
vse on the contrary.

*****

Maxim Galkin shows to guests the lock. - This drawing room, and here dining room, here Alla's bedroom, here nursery... - And the nursery what for? - Well, I have to sleep somewhere!

*****

The little boy runs in in police uchastok.
-Quicker, the sir! There on the street some mister beats my father!
politseysky jumps out on the street and sees two men, ozhestochenno
molotyashchikh each other fists. It turns to the boy i
asks:
-Listen, I now will separate them, but who from them your father? They just also find out This
-...

*****

Between podrugami:
-You know, I changed the husband with Yanekom.
-On love or by calculation yesterday?
-Of course, on love. Unless now five thousand zloties - money?

*****

Between podrugami:
-You know, I go yesterday down the street, near me ostanavlivayetsya
"Zhiguli", absolutely unfamiliar driver opens the door i
priglashayet me to sweep. Impudent person such!
-Why impudent person?
-My God! Videla you his apartment!

*****

- Darling - can, me a hairdress to change, to comb hair back?
-You that - a sdurela? Where hair, and where back?!

*****

- Darling, I was so tired, we go two hours! Suffer
-, the darling, soon prival.
-I cannot! To me the backpack rubbed shoulders, gym shoes press, the sun bakes! Well I can make
-, darling?
-Perhaps you will get out of a backpack?

*****

- It seems to me, I the happiest on light! After all I leave zamuzh
za what so long dreamed to marry!
-A seems to me, these are trifles, in comparison with that happiness, kotoroye
ispytyvayesh when you marry whom wanted to marry!

*****

- I need such person who would carry out all difficult raboty
po to the house, went on my instructions, never objected and byl
vsegda is ready to do a favor me, - the hostess explained to the young man,
kotory came to be employed in usluzheniye.

*****

- To me obviously changed a shirt in a laundry, - the husband complained. -
vorotnik is so small that I simply choke. It is not mine rubashka.
-Anything similar, - the wife, - Your shirt answered. Not bud
takim the scattered. You passed the head th

*****

- My husband was insured in your insurance company from death na
pozhare and yesterday died...
-?! You pay to
-an insurance?
-A he died on the fire?
-Is not present, it poisoned... But I am going to cremate him...

*****

- My husband likes to smoke a cigarette after a good lunch, - one woman drugoy.
-It I approve
speaks - one cigarette in a year will damage to nobody.