Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about husband

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During a formal dinner party the wife whispers muzhu:
-Paul, tell quicker any joke that ya
rassmeyalas and showed the new gold teeth.

*****

Near the traffic inspector the car stops. Driver otkryvayet
dvertsu:
-Big to you thanks. Never I will forget yours uslugu.
-What service? What's the matter?
-Yesterday you took away the driving license from my wife. Still raz
ogromnoye to you thanks.

*****

The indignant wife lectures muzha:
-What the hell you were secured home in four mornings!!
-A that? I have no right to have breakfast in the bosom of the family?

*****

On the eighth of March the husband got up a bit earlier, made to the wife a breakfast, ubral
kvartiru, having run all over a set of shops, having defended a set of turns,
prigotovil a festive lunch and having fallen in a bed,
sovershenno exhausted and weakened podumal:
-Really me now late at night also will bang?!

*****

All our women are beautiful... - sings Vitsin.
i the kindness, and mind, - picks up Morgunov.
-In: loonies abnormal, - Kramarov whispers.

*****

Women at an entrance met. Discuss everyday problems,
obmenivayas novostyami.
-Know, neigbours, our Klavka is lucky. Also married, and lyubovnika
imeet. And yesterday at an entrance raped.

*****

Met kollegi.
-my Friend! First, I met in Sochi yours the zhenu.
vo-second recently, I overslept with it. And in the third, how to you nravitsya
"secondly"?
-First, I with it is divorced long ago. Secondly, it bolna
sifilisom. Well, and in the third how it is pleasant to you "secondly"?

*****

Two met priyatelya:
-Ah, with what woman I got acquainted yesterday! With what woman...
O, by the way, one more.

*****

Two met priyatelya.
-Hi, Vasya, why you such sad?
-U me the son rodilsya.
-So same is good, you should rejoice! All so and about it my wife learned
-!

*****

Three friends met. Conversation about Wifekh.
-came I sent the wife to Sochi, - told pervyy.
- And I to the Crimea, - told vtoroy.
- And I bang the.

*****

Meets two podrugi.
-As your guy? Still goes in for mathematics? I do not want to hear
-about it more! Yesterday called it, and he told that will not go for a walk because strikes with three unknown.

*****

Two women meet: Russian and Frenchwoman. Russkaya:
-Tell, that is why you, Frenchwomen, such thin da
stroynenkiye, and we are the Russian women, big and thick?
frantsuzhenka:
-simply a diet at us special: in the morning - cake, in the evening - seks.
russkaya:
-Well and if does not help? Then farinaceous food to exclude
frantsuzhenka:
-.

*****

Two meet podrugi:
-Speak, you moved to the new apartment? Well as?
-Yes anything. Only the kitchen in hips is rather small.

*****

Two girlfriends meet. One drugoy:
-Look, you somewhere porvala.
-Yes, it I for the tank zatsepilas.
- And the tank you where found stockings?
-Yes, on buttonholes was...

*****

Two girlfriends meet. One another zhaluyetsya:
-Well and men went! From above you will put - fills up, from below - speaks
dushno, on one side you will put - watches TV, on feet you will put -
ego and a trace caught a cold...

*****

Two meet druga:
-a telka snyal.
-Well Yesterday and how?
- The Breast - in! Feet - from here, a bum - in! (everything shows v
nature).
-You that, do not show on yourself, a bad sign!!!

*****

Two friends meet... One drugomu:
-it is healthy by the way!
VTOROY:
-Went on x just in case!

*****

Two friends meet. One complains on bessonnitsu.
- And what you accept from sleeplessness?
- The Glass of wine everyone two chasa.
- And after that you fall asleep?
-Is not present but after that more cheerfully to be awake.

*****

2 friends in 15 years meet. - You are married? Children are? - Yes, children 15! - It is visible the wife good, what there is a lot of children? - Yes stinker it rare! - And that children there is so much? - Yes in crowd it is easier to hide!

*****

Two friends meet somehow. At one firm, and drugoy
rabotayet in circus. Got to talking. Firmach asks:
-with Whom you in circus work? To an elephant I give enemas to
-that it on a scene not usralsya.
- And you receive how many? tysyach.
-Listen to
-12, go to me to work. You will receive 100 thousand i
nichego not delat.
-Is not present. I cannot exchange art.

*****

Two meet druga.
-Listen, your wife was not in Paris?
-Is not present, it is its some $#$^%$ taught here...

*****

- Yesterday saw your wife. She so coughed that all paid na
nee attention. Whether it is sick?
-O is not present! She simply put on a new suit!

*****

- Yesterday at me the wife got sick, and today there arrived her mother, chtoby
ukhazhivat for ney.
-Da- And, misfortunes never come alone.

*****

- Why you do not marry? - the woman muzhchinu-soseda.
-asks I am afraid. Faced somehow the woman on the street, it menya
oskorbila, mutilated the person, and then crafty somehow saida:
"Sorry, I thought that you my husband".

*****

- You do not know, what it for a fright?
-Is mine Wife.
-Oh, forgive, I made nonsense!
-Is not present, it I made nonsense.

*****

- Why do you ironed my pants just below? - Asks husband .
- I'll have twice asked you to lengthen the cord from the iron.

*****

There is a man a log hut. Potyagivayetsya:
- At - ooh! Э - eh! How there is a wish to work! I will go I will lie down. Perhaps
proydet.

*****

- Where there was my head when I agreed to leave for tebya
zahusband ? - cries Wife.
-On my breast! - the husband gave the exact reference.

*****

- You where were? - the husband zhenu.
-asks the girlfriend. You do not trust - call and sprosi.
husband calls podruge.
-you had mine?
-Was. In general it was necessary to marry me, and yours to you vsegda
byla is incorrect.

*****

The general by personal car goes with the young wife in teatr.
posmotrev to the dressed-up wife, he turns the car to bushes,
ostanavlivayet - and to zhene.
-Think again, what you do? - the wife began to worry. - We v
teatr go!
- Theatre stood and will stand, - the husband, - and here tells a matter of luck.

*****

- Speak, you changed mind to get divorced from wife?
-U me simply is not present other exit, it so grew fat that ne
mozhet to return me a wedding ring!

*****

Group of men exchange the opinions relatively zhenshchin.
-That you first of all notice in the woman? - asks odin.
-It depends on to what party it goes, - otvechayet
vtoroy.

*****

The lady stretches the check in cash desk of bank and confusedly speaks:
-Forgive that the signature of the husband is a little bit not legible... I and ne
predpolagala that it so will be afraid, having seen in my hands the gun...

*****

The lady reports priyatelnitse:
-to grow thin, the doctor prescribed me daily verkhovuyu
progulku.
-Well and how, already there are results?
-Oh, yes! The horse already grew thin.

*****

Two misters sat on a bench in park looking at girls,
prokhodyashchikh mimo.
-Know, - with a sigh told one another. - When I byl
molodym, I have to have seen only the pretty girl, how u
menya at once vstaval.
- And now?
-Now... sight deteriorated...

*****

Two friends conduct besedu:
-Whom you work? - asks odin.
- The Inspector on waste point. I receive 600 and something eshche.
a you?
-Inspector of glassware. I receive 800 and something else... And pomnish
nashego the mutual friend Pyotr Nikolaevich, so he, the poor creature,
rabotayet the engineer, receives 1000 rubles and anything else.

*****

Two friends thought that to present to the fellow worker on den
rozhdeniya.
-we Will present britvu.
- There is no razor at him already est
- Then fotoapparat.
-No, it at him too est.
i so further. Are perplexed - it has everything. Here see plakat:
"KNIGA-LUCHSHIY the GIFT"
-O! Let's present the book! - says pervyy.
-No, - the second hopelessly answers. It too has a book.

*****

Two friends bypass full zhenshchinu.
-Wow! At it the hand is thicker than mine nogi.
-Well, at you and a foot!

*****

Two friends went on a beach and saw the announcement: "For spaseniye
utopayushchego - 50 rubles". Give
-you will sink, I will rescue, and a fifty-kopeck piece - popolam.
brosilsya one in water, flounders and krichit:
-I Sink! Rescue, help!
-You sink, but do not shout. It is written below that for otyskaniye
utoplennika - hundred rubles.