Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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– How passed days off?
-B Prostokvashino went...
-than was engaged?
-Of Prostokvasil...

*****

The desert road, somewhere in the distance costs a lonely lamp, to nemu
podjezzhayet the car, falls out in sausage drunk muzhik:
-Well from there I did not drink, the captain, a reptile I will be!!!

*****

Traveling across Scotland, the American tourist decided to visit the well-known lake Loch Ness, hoping to see there the inhabitant who made a noise for the whole world local vod.
- When usually there is this monster? - he asked gida.
-As a rule, after the fifth shot glass, the sir.

*****

I drink 20 years. The wife claims that I am an alcoholic. Is going to get divorced and take away children.
broshu to drink on a bet for 100 rubles. Without incentive to stop drinking I do not see sense.

*****

Two men drink. asks:
-How many to you to pour one?
-You that, do not see edges of a glass?

*****

The milkmaid, drunk in board, rests in costed. Korova:
-Again the drunk?
DOYARKA:
-MU-u-u.
korova:
-Well, hold boobs - I will jump...

*****

The drunkard comes to shop and asks:
-you accept ware? Yes.
- Then take
-eight plates.

*****

The drunk bum was brought by mistake to a mortuary. In the morning it prochukhatsya and asks:
-Grannies, where it I?
-B mortuary, milok.
-Well, then guten morgen!

*****

The drunk man is carried home by a taxi. Suddenly the taxi are braked by the road whore. Sits down on back sitting and undresses dogola.
muzhik woke up and looks in zerkaltse:
-Here to what I was drunk up - already on п#$#у became similar!

*****

Drunk in the bus: I-ii-i-ik, and-ii-ik. Neigbour: - Will get drunk as a pig. In eto
time pulled out the drunk on the neigbour and that with oblegcheniyem:
-look At yourself.

*****

Drunk in aero sweat: - Here my visa... Here mine passport... Here my photo... Here it, all here... I do not understand, well pass me aboard the plane! Idit be overslept by
-. companion pilot!

*****

The man drunk into smithereens gets into the bus and pushes thick tetku.
tetka: - Fi! The man, you are drunk!
muzhik: - And you why a foot on a hand-rail threw?

*****

The drunk throws out of restaurant, looks - there is a man in furazhke.
- The Door-keeper! Taxi!
-Ya not the door-keeper, I am the captain of the 3rd rank!
-Ik, well then boat...

*****

- Drunk uproar was ordered?!
-HET.
-Late, is PAID!!!

*****

Drunk in dupel the man becomes hollow in the bus and falls nearly on колени
какой to the woman. Baba:
-you at me are associated with a pig!
-A you are an expert... asoss... and suck away you!

*****

The man, drunk in smoke, goes lengthways down the street - one foot going na
dorogu, another - on trotuar.
ego stops politseyskiy:
-I am compelled to detain you for emergence in a state of intoxication in public meste.
- And you are absolutely sure, what I am drunk?
-So for sure.
-Well, thank God! And that I go and I think when it I managed to become a cripple?

*****

The drunk goes by the bus and speaks:
-Now nablyuyu.
vse it persuade not to vomit now, and to wait to a stop. On
soglashayetsya:
-it is good, I will count to 48 and nablyuyu.
vse with relief sighed, the benefit a stop blizko.
-Six eight - forty eight...

*****

The drunk frequenter of bar, having leaned the elbows on a rack, considers pivnye
butylki on shelves. Then in a rush to unburden the heart addresses to barmenu:
- And where logic?
-You about what?
-Why thought up nonalcoholic beer?
-That could be drunk when you conduct mashinu.
- And who at you drinks it?
-One debily.
- And to morons do not grant the rights for driving! And where logic?

*****

The drunk comes into a toilet and cannot undo a fly in any way. At last gets v
karman and pulls out a vobla. Looks so on nee:
-Well, what? Let's will write or make eyes?

*****

The drunk came into the tram, squeezed into the middle and is loud objyavil:
-Those women, which behind me - the whore, and that ahead - silly women! From a back platform of the car to it the woman and speaks:
- The Man squeezes, what you afford?! I am married twenty years and never changed the husband!
-Well, then pass forward.

*****

The drunk came into the tram, looks: one zhenshchiny.
- At the left - dury.
a you, on the right, - whores, - declared on.
sprava one lady was indignant: - As you dare, I am married ten years and never fooled around! Well then pass
-on the left.

*****

The drunk shook, shook and took seat on a ballot box about shop. To it right there podoshel
ment:
-You where seated!? The same place for garbage!... Oh, I'm sorry, I also did not notice
-, sit down please.

*****

Drunk konferansye:
-So, now will address you, this... how ego:
sufler:
-Georg.
-Who?
-George, well, Georgiy.
-(loudly) Zhorik!
-of Ots!
-(silently) As?
-of Ots! Well as "pots", but without the first bukvy.
-you will be addressed by Zhorik Uy!

*****

The drunk compere before a part long drank in the company of physicians. In a butterfly and a tuxedo, being unsteady, steps on the stage and declares nomer:
-a uterus Cancer! Crotch... Fie you, devil!. Mark Fradkin. "About tenderness".

*****

The drunk compere in restorane:
- And now a ladies' choice dance. Ladies invite Blacks.

*****

Drunk krichit:
-Where I?
-On Street Gorkogo.
-To hell details! In what I the city!

*****

The drunk bathes in the fountain. The cop approaches the fountain and shouts pyanomu:
-Hey, in the fountain, vividly get out from there!
kogda the drunk got out, the cop demands it dokumenty.
alkash:
- At me does not have dokumentov.
-Who you are? So you me know
-!
-Is not present, I do not know and therefore I ask who vy.
-Oh well! You precisely do not know me?
-I told that I do not know! Who are you?
-Well you yours! I that which was in the fountain!

*****

The drunk lies a muzzle on a water waste lattice and oret:
-Za that swine put?!

*****

The drunk pilot comes back home. Rings a door. Wife asks:
-Who there?
-TU-134 asks landings, - answers husband .
-Not the dense forest...
- Then went on 2 - oh krug.
oboshel round the house, rises, in dver.
-Who again calls there?
-TU-134 asks posadki.
-Not the dense forest...
-is excellent, y - y - y - and p-psho-l y on spare aerodrom.
idet to the neigbour. and the next morning again calls in dver:
-Who there? - yawning, asks Wife.
-TU-134 asks landings...
-Should be waited, SILT-62 did not fly up yet.

*****

The man, drunk in scrap, approaches to the door of the apartment. It gets a key and, vstaviv
ego in a keyhole from the tenth attempt, tries to open the lock. Having turned na
polpovorota a key, the man falls and fills up with a dead dream. Next morning the wife,
sobravshis to leave the house, cannot open a door, as with external storony
vstavlen a key. She listens and hears someone's snore directly for dveryyu.
soobraziv that it probably her spouse, she zovet:
-Vanya! Vanya! The man, without having woken up yet, otvechayet:
-That to you?
-Open a door, to me for work pora.
-I know Nothing, the swine. Where all night long was, there and go.

*****

The drunk man stands near a pool and hollows on it a stick.... ment
-You cho do
podkhodit? You see
-He, I send sharks......
-So here is not present sharks...

*****

Drunk in the subway puts the head on a shoulder of the sitting next girl. ONA:
-Perhaps, you on me also will lay down?
-Well-well. Was lost in day-dreams!

*****

Drunk cannot push a two-room flat in a cut avtomata.
-Got drunk in any way, - and still the taxi driver, - told prokhozhaya.
-From what took?
- The Cap taksistskaya.
-Yes, - thoughtfully said drunk, - and was ondatrovy.

*****

The drunk husband becomes hollow to the apartment and falls at a threshold. The wife takes a broom and, lamenting, breaks it on litsu.
-Will drink, cattle? You will drink, cattle? The man opens glaza:
-N-pour …

*****

The drunk husband comes back home and near the house hits the head about derevo.
razozlilsya runs home shouts zhene:
-Where a saw?
Wife rasteryanno:
-I. I not pila
-Where saw.?
-U of the neighbor...
-Why gave?
-you I. I...
stuchit a fist on stolu:
-Why gave I ask? Well I did not know
-that it is such talker.

*****

The drunk husband comes home. Meets him Wife.
-to You to give a cucumber?
-Oh, is not necessary!
-Or perhaps vodka?
-Leave alone!
-Or perhaps to kiss you?
-Well kiss... can, stoshnit.

*****

The drunk husband comes home, comes into an entrance, is knocked in door.
-Who there?
-Masha, it I!
-Ya not Masha...
-Well, Klava!
-Ya not Klava... Listen to
-, the wife how there, maybe, the cities we will play you?!

*****

The drunk husband comes home. The wife begins prichitat:
-Again got drunk! Where salary, where money?!
-B meshkakh.
- And where your bags?
-Under eyes.

*****

The drunk husband came home and Wan was at once filled up spat.
Wife:
-! Give, and?
-of That? To drink is?
-Is not present, not to drink! Give, and?
-Oh, leave, leave alone!
razocharovannaya the wife looks out in a window and krichit:
-Is in this house of the man!?
C of the first floor leans out golova:
- And what, to drink is?