Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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Talk sosedi:
-my neighbor again moonshine drove all days off! From where you know
-??! His rabbits again to my dog a muzzle filled
-!!

*****

Two drunks talk. One sppashivayet:
-it is interesting why I was given the nickname Genie? Probably, because I mnogoye
mogu?
-Is not present, the Genie, it is simple as soon as someone starts opening a bottle, you tut
zhe appear.

*****

Two talk alkasha:
-I stopped drinking recently...
-??? Here where - I do not remember
-A!.

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Two talk alkogolika:
-I would like to be born with two heads... Yes you that - absolutely sduret
-, perhaps? You estimate
-A: only was born - and you at once in bank with alcohol...

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Two talk zhenshchiny:
-Here at me the husband all the time comes home on all fours what to do - I will not apply mind?
- When it will come, you substitute it under a nose a naked ass!
prokhodit week, the husband at the first stopped drinking in general, at work at it sprashivayut:
-That happened?!
-That started seeming aliens. I come after work home, I look costs - low, legs thick, curve, directly from the head grow. Cheeks - in! One eye in the middle of a forehead. Mouth huge, vertical. Usishch, borodishche. And in Mashkiny slippers!

*****

Two talk druga:
-As you manage to control how many you drink? For example, of norm I do not know
Ya. At me always - that - a shortage,
TO - in an otklyuchka...
-A I always, in any company, right at the beginning find a look samuyu
nekrasivuyu the woman and all evening I watch it...
-I that??? As soon as it me starts being pleasant to
-all - norm.

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Two talk muzhika.
-Genetics, Mendel, heredity - nonsense everything eto.
vot my great-grandfather, for example, was the alcoholic. My grandfather was the alcoholic. My father was the alcoholic. And I - no!
-Yes well?!
-Of course. I am an addict.

*****

Two drunk men talk. One rasskazyvayet:
-I Come home. I see, my Mashka lies in a bed with Petkoy-sosedom. I scented at once the bad. Went to the refrigerator. What do you think? So I also felt, there is no my bottle "Capital"!

*****

Two drunk men talk. One asks drugogo:
-Vas, and you can drink two liters?
-I Can, Sanka.
- And a bucket?!
-I Can, Sanka.
- And a flank?
-I Can, Sanka.
- And the tank?
-Well, you and simpleton, Sanka. Where I will find such cucumber on snack?

*****

Talk sosedi:
-my neighbor again moonshine drove all days off! From where you know
-??! His rabbits again to my dog a muzzle filled
-!!!

*****

In bufete.
-That we will take conversation? Beer?
-What beer on a workplace!
-is correct. To us two vodka.

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Two drunks got a bytylka of methyl alcohol. Drank on pervoy.
-Wan, give at once on the second, and that already starts growing dark …

*****

Early utro:
morosit dozhd:
na a market near a wine stall there is in a pool a drunk and tryasetsya:
iz the torn boots stick out paltsy:
obrashchayetsya to prodavshchitse:
- The Hostess, pour a glass vintsa:
-You look on whom you pokhozh:
luchshe footwear kupil:
-Health are dearer to yourself!

*****

Early in the morning women hurry on factory. In a garbage can rolls gone on a spree since evening trudyashchiysya.
-Look, babonk, what man threw out! And with it after all still quite it is possible to live!

*****

Real slychay:
idet booze. One engineer is already ready and rolls on kpovati.
ego bother and sppashivayut:
-You want vodka?
-(winds the head) H-net
-A you will be?
-(nods) Yes

*****

The baby runs up to mother and sppashivayet:
-Mother, and unless the sobering-up station burned down?
-Is not present of course! And why you ask?
-A why then the father goes down the street and sings: "Enemies burned a native hut!"

*****

- Children, can will be enough to drink? Yes we already finish
-. We will start thumping soon!

*****

The restaurant, the late evening passing into morning... Behind a rack - the sleepy bartender, visitors already everything dispersed, only at one little table sit two any muzhika.
vdrug one of them throws up the head, stares on vtorogo:
-Listen, something to me your ugly face familiar. You, hour, not in Voronezh were born?
-B Voronezhe.
-In, a pancake! And in what year?
-B... Ik! the sixty first...
-Wow, and I in Voronezh, in the sixty first!
A in what maternity hospital?
-In the second!
-I I in the second! And to what school you went?
-B thirty sedmuyu.
-In a pancake! And I in the thirty seventh!.
B this moment enters the hall the owner of a tavern and Seryozha, how are you, everything is all right approaches to barmenu:
-Well? Yes everything, as usual, Sidorova's twins again each other cannot learn
-...

*****

Recipe of Three Pigs cocktail:
pokupayete a vodka box, also invite two friends.

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Two drunks before magazinom:
-Well solve, we will take how many, three or two?
-It, took three yesterday, so one remained. We take two. Come into shop and govoryat:
-Three vodka and two candies.

*****

The alcoholic prud.
proboval decided to make to drink. Not vykhodit.
proboval not to drink. Not smog.
kopat it is necessary bylo.
reshil to create the alcoholic semyyu.
proboval to drink. Not vykhodit.
proboval not to drink. Not smog.
proboval to dig. The pond turned out.

*****

The man decided home brew to put. And that was quicker, drank a water teapot, ate a sugar package, pachku
drozhzhey, tied the head with a towel and sat down about the battery. After a while the wife hears from kitchen: "Women!!!" It asks:
-That there at you? Broke a cover?
-Well, the bottom punched...

*****

The lonely woman of the man to herself decided to entice. Knowing psychology of men, she on a window puts a large bottle of moonshine and sits down to wait. And it is exact - the neighbor Vasily morning after down the street goes. He noticed the neigbour, and, above all - a bottle, Mikhalna approaches under a window and asks:
-, at you it is possible to freshen the nip?
-Yes come, Vas, nalyyu.
zashel Vasya, it to it pours. That drinks, and the vodka remains - on a hand and hair smoothes. Hozyayka:
-Perhaps still? Well give
-, the hostess, what there...
opyat he drinks and again hair priglazhivayet.
-Vas, will drink up, can? - Well give, dopyyu.
vypivayet the man and again the vodka remains priglazhivayet.
-Hear hair, Vas, and what you moonshine smooth hair? Yes you understand
-, Mikhalna, I as will present that to me with you now to go to bed, so hair bristle.

*****

Aliens with the earth solved contact to come. The group of specialists at a wood edge landed. Looked round - nearby on a clearing two men drink vodka. One of aliens approaches Sklins men and predstavlyaetsya:
-Hello, I... The man it kills
ODIN and speaks:
-Vasya, pour Sklinsu.
halili, drank. The alien to the comes back and tells a pier and so words to tell not distances poured also all here. Well consulted and solved, to try once again (can did not understand...) .
inoplanetyanin I suit opyat:
-Hello, to Sklins...
-Vasya, pour Sklinsu...
halili, vipyl. Ha the third time decided that it is necessary to speak very quickly that people of Earth managed to hear who he is, and from where. The third time suits the alien to muzhikam:
-Hello, I to Sklins, I arrived from constellation Twins, our civilization decided to come into contact with zemlyanami.
-Vasya, Sklinsu do not pour any more.

*****

Men decided to think for three. And the third - the Black. Looked for where to drink. Came on building. Well sweet-talked the watchman fermented. Hour so in two nights remember that is necessary for the Black aboard the plane and the Black already in dupl gotovyy.
v the general they take him by hands - for feet and bear to vykhodu.
prosypayetsya not less upity watchman and speaks: A booze - a booze and roofing matheral put where took.

*****

The Black child's woman gave rise. In a lobby of maternity hospital her husband - the huge man of a furious look sits. Having seen it, the nurse did not decide to report such news. Called the janitor, poured to him alcohol and speaks:
-Go and tell Ivanov that he gave birth to the Black child. Only explain everything properly. Tell supposedly genes, a mutation... The janitor bit alcohol, Ivanov came into a lobby and speaks:
-!
-Ya!
-Fool you, Ivanov: the mutator should be washed. The Black at you was born. The genome was called.

*****

The Russian chemists established that "the language barrier" is remarkably dissolved in vodka.

*****

The Russian person knows when to stop - superfluous sblyut.

*****

The Russian national dish - BUTYLBROD...

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Fishing, early morning, beauty. Two fishermen from a deep hangover wake up. Look, around all earth is plowed also by a network circle stoyat.
odin drugomu:
-Well, you also got drunk Vasya, what you set networks on the earth?! At
VTOROY:
-Not, you look at it who else got drunk?! Where you rowed, there I also put!

*****

Two men by the boat fished. Suddenly the hurricane rose and the boat carried away to the high sea. For the seventh days, being parched with thirst, they caught a bottle of which got out dzhinn:
-Well, make a wish... I Want
-that there was a sea of beer - tells one muzhik.
-It will be executed, - the genie answered and ischez.
raz - the sea all from beer stalo.
vtoroy the man takes the first for grudki:
-It you well thought up, and to urinate now in the boat, huh?

*****

The private is told off for pyanku.
-Unless it is possible to get drunk so? If you did not drink, long ago there would be the corporal or even serzhantom.
-Here a nonsense, companion commander. When I am drunk, I feel like Marshall of the Soviet Union.

*****

By means of a vodka bottle the stool easily turns into a rocking-chair.

*****

Since morning it it is bad itself chuvstvoval.
-You that drank yesterday?
-Well if foreknew that I will feel so, of course, drank!.

*****

The self-racer woman Nyura for pleasure that vodka will rise in price - gave to drink free of charge all village.

*****

The plane rose in air, and suddenly it becomes clear that on hundred passazhirov
vzyali only forty lunches. The stewardess objyavlyaet:
-Everyone who will kindly refuse a lunch in favor of other passengers,
budet free to receive binge during all poleta.
through hour the stewardess again objyavlyaet:
-If someone from passengers changed the mind, we are glad to report: at us eshche
ostalos thirty eight portions of a lunch...

*****

The plane is wrecked. In live, having jumped with a parachute, there is one stewardess. Landed on the desert island, wandered on the coast, condoled and fell asleep under a palm tree. Wakes up - the man sits next, meat fries. It with astonishment asks:
-You who? From where undertook?
-Yes criminal I. I on this island one was left 15 years ago, thought, I will die. And I, you see, meat baluyus.
zhenshchina, oblizyvayas:
-Okh, and I would eat! That you will give
-A in exchange for meat?
-Well, unless only that you did not try 15 years!
muzhik swells up, rushes to embrace it and krichit:
-My dear! Desired you mine! Really brought VODKA?

*****

The plumber, having stopped repairing the crane, tells hozyayke-starushke:
-Well everything, grannies, from you butylka.
-Milok is, maybe, better money?
-Not, the grandma, money is impossible for me - I will spend on drink.

*****

The plumber repaired to the grandma the crane and speaks:
-Well everything, the granny, from you butylka.
- The Sonny, maybe, money will take?
-Not, money is impossible for me - I will spend on drink!