Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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Muzhuk sit, and drink. One speaks - "Let's drink for that that Petya handed over on five!" Drank. After a while again - "Let's drink for that that Petya handed over on five!" Drank. Petya.
-Well, how many comes?
-Four eight hundred, and two did not accept.

*****

Sit somehow Petka with Vasily Ivanovich and Furmanov, drink vodka. Vasily Ivanovich pours to himself and Furmanov on full, Petke-of a half-glass. Furmanov smeyotsya:
-That you so, Vasily Ivanovich? It would already be time to fill to you a hand!
petka speaks:
-Yes that hand, what hand? It is time for it to fill a muzzle - it is already the third time so!

*****

Two already absolutely any men sit on a bench. One speaks drugomu:
-are not thirsty? And it is necessary! Give, bitterns for my health. It is impossible to refuse such toast!
-Where to you still health? You and so healthy, as byk.
-your truth. Well then bitterns for my mind, with it at me a small crunch.

*****

Three hanyga on steps in zassany podjezde.
razlozhili simple zakus on a newspaper - a tyulka, a crust of bread and steam of the candied sugar candies sit. Guzzle from a throat some next poison, like "Solntsedara". Choke. Here hit eshch on time and one, having suppressed an emetic rush and speaks:
- And we fit well, men! This life!
B the same approximately time, after a lunch from 12 dishes, sit in some English club three gentlemen. Easy chairs, the twilight, oak carved walls, the fireplace hot burns. Three sit rolling in chairs, smoke expensive cigars and sip 100-year cognac from huge konyachny bokalov.
odin from them breaks cozy molchaniye:
-Yes, the Lord, the West to doom N...

*****

Strongly poddaty man comes into a female toilet and starts casting there. Around vozmushcheniye:
-Where you came? Right there only for women! Specifying by
muzhik with offense what holds in ruke:
- And it, it is asked, for whom?

*****

Strongly drunk man caught a taxi, sat down on forward sitting. Silently go, slova
ne speak. The driver saw the little girl nice, suggested to place. Cela ona
na back sitting, placed feet. The driver in a pocket mirror of a rear view glyanul:
devitsa without linen, parts forcibly the man, points a finger on zerkalo:
-Look, what round! The man of an eye opened, a muzzle unshaven pochesal:
-Yes, well and a round at me:

*****

- Tell, alcohol dissolves sugar?
-Oh yes - answered the old drunkard. - It dissolves also gold, stone houses, horses, happiness, love and in general everything that is appreciated by people.

*****

- Tell, and what such a glamourous party?
-Well, it when is a lot of people. Shirts at all crumpled, jeans are torn and on the head so in different storony.
-I told all, we on a glamourous party were yesterday, and you "a sobering-up station, a sober

*****

- Tell, you have fresh vodka?
-Is not be freshen! Only today delivered!
-Well, do not tell, here the second day I ate two small bottles, so me, I'm sorry, stoshnit...

*****

- Tell, what you think of our president?
-Yes I its sober never videl.
-It it seems not pyet.
-Yes not it, but I!

*****

- Tell, forces you to get drunk every day?
-forces Nothing, I am a volunteer.

*****

- Tell, what forces you to get drunk every day?
-forces Nothing, I am a volunteer.

*****

- Tell, how much is to be coded from alcoholism?
-300 tysyach.
-Well is not present. It is better to spend on drink.

*****

- How many vodka drink, - the alcoholic Sidorchik sighed, - and the organism all the same for 90% consists of water!

*****

- How many time?
-Third hour!
-So after all now morning! The Third hour I wait for
- When this fucking beer stall opens!!!

*****

How many time?
-Third hour!
-So after all now morning! The Third hour I wait for
- When this fucking beer stall opens!!!

*****

- How many times I said to you that in working hours it is impossible to drink. Yesterday, when you were sober, I was simply schastliv.
-Yesterday, the chief, you were happy, and today my turn.

*****

- How much is vodka drop? Then drop
-Niskolko.
-to me a glass!

*****

Slightly drunk gruzin:
-Ponimaesh and: the car I am a font, "Volga". Rights I font. And here is how to buy,
chtoby goes by it is kneaded?

*****

Words which are DIFFICULT for uttering in drunk виде:
Социологи?
Лапланди?
Профессиона?
Заплатк?
Слова which are VERY difficult for uttering in drunk виде:
Гибралта?
Нераспространени?
Джасперизаци?
Самоуправлени?
Трабекулотоми?
Слова which CAN not be uttered in drunk vide:
net, do not undress, you not in mine vkuse.
dobry evening, companion sergeant, I am glad that you me ostanovili.
net, I will not sing, all the same anybody does not listen to me!
NET, me do not pour any more!

*****

The service of a sotsprognozirovaniye is interested at slesarya:
-If to raise vodka price to 15 rubles, will drink?
-I Will be!
-A if thirty?
-Well that stuck! Though hundred rubles! Both there was a detail a bottle, and remained.

*****

- What happened to your grandfather?
-Alcohol finished it to mogily.
-Delirium tremens finished?
-Is not present, the moonshine still exploded.

*****

- Listen, Vasya, I drank vodka liter yesterday!
-One?!
-Is not present! With pelmeni.

*****

- Listen, expensive, the yesterday's plumber put the automatic switch in a toilet! - the drunk husband told to the wife. - I opened a door - light itself was switched on! Began to close then - itself it was switched off. In fine!
-Oh, My God! - the wif

*****

- Listen, here at you Bentley, a country house, the yacht where you take so much money? Casino
-B!
-Player? And you are so lucky?!
-Owner!!! And here THEY - are not lucky...

*****

- Heard, Vasya drank the correct Bochkaryov after a bath - and as anew was born!
-That, a hangover was not?
-Is not present - crept, obossatsya, could not speak...

*****

- Hear, and Vasya stopped drinking!
-Yes well, cannot be!
-Yes wons, have a look, the obituary on a wall hangs.

*****

We mix Three Athletes beer with vodka and we receive Three Pigs cocktail.

*****

- Smiluysya, monarchess small fish...
-Sanek, is already good to talk to herring... My turn!

*****

The drunk looks at the fan.... Long looks...
- The Pancake, well to what after all time quickly flies!

*****

At first Mendeleyev discovered 40-degree vodka. Then it discovered 28-degree port. And in the morning it opened that they cannot be mixed!!!

*****

Men gathered for fishing. and here a problem one - how many vodka we Will take to take not znayut.
-3 bottles!
-Yes to a nu! in time before last took 3, so rods lost.
-Well then 4!
-Aha, and in last time took 4, so the bus lost... Well then we will take
-5, only with a condition - not to take a rod, from the bus not to leave.

*****

Were going to chat the amicable company behind a cup of tea. But it appeared that tea - no because all came to an end. But after all cups already on a table! It was necessary to drink from them that houses was. Well, again got drunk. And all because of tea.

*****

Men gathered for fishing. And here a problem one - how many vodka we Will take to take not znayut.
-3 bottles!
-Yes well! In time before last took 3, so rods lost...
-Well then 4!
-Aha, and took last time 4, so the bus lost... Well then we will take
-5, only with a condition - rods not to take and not to leave the bus.

*****

Friends in holiday for a cordon gathered somehow. Long money was raised, left. Come in few weeks - muzzles from vodka azh
chyornye. Objyasnyayut:
-you Understand, arrived, came into a tavern, and there so cheap vodka! Well, we also took seat at a table. For the first two days bilety
otbili... then accommodation in hotel... Well, and further the net profit went!

*****

Three colleagues gathered somehow. Well, sat, accepted, as usual. Then added, then still... Pulled on revelations. speaks:
-you know one, misters, and I generally quite often have the wife of our boss, only ts-s-s...
drugoy grusto priznayetsya:
- And I, generally, blue though anybody also does not guess it, only to anybody-anybody... metsya:
-Well I do not even know
A third how to tell you about it... dvoye:
-Give
Te - give, here all the, that there!
-Yes you see - tells the third - the matter is that I cannot keep secrets at all.

*****

Three mice gathered. Drank on a liqueur glass. One speaks:
- And now let's sing pesenku.
-Is not present, let's drink on the second ryumochke.
vypili.
- And now let's take a walk on ulitse.
-Is not present, let's drink on the third ryumochke.
vypili.
- And t - now we p-will go to beat m muzzle to a cat!

*****

Meeting of Society of Anonymous Alkogolikov.
vstayet muzhik:
-I am Petya, I am an alcoholic, drank 10 years, I do not drink 2 mesyatsa
vse (chorus):
-Hi of Petya
vstayet vtoroy:
-I Kolya, I am an alcoholic, drank 15 years, I do not drink 5 mesyatsev
-Hi Kolya
vstayet tretiy:
-Mischa, I am an alcoholic, drank 20 years, I do not drink god
-Hi Misha
vstayet novenkiy:
-Zhora, I sleep with Grisha...
Bce (indignantly)
-FUUUUUUU!!! PIDARAS!!!
-Not, well began everything on a booze...

*****

Meeting of society anonymous alkogolikov.
-Hello, my name is Stas. I alkogolik.
-I am Roma. And I alkogolik.
- And my name is Zhenya. I, by the way, too alkogolik.
-Well chyo, men, for acquaintance?!