Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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The drunk man comes domoy.
zvonit, hears the wife's voice: - Who there?
-Brevno.
dver opens, the husband crosses a threshold and padayet.
- And now saw, a bough!

*****

The drunk man got through in the middle of the tram and shouted on stoyashchikh
vperedi zhenshchin:
-you are prostitutes! All of you are the spoiled women!
zatem, having turned back back, shouted at the women standing and sidyashchikh
szadi:
- And you are silly women!
ODNA the woman standing ahead speaks emu:
-Here and a lie! I lived 20 years with the husband and never ne
posmotrela even towards another muzhchiny.
- Then pass back.

*****

The drunk man sits down in taksi.
taksist asks:
-to you where?
-A to you what business?

*****

The drunk man costs at a lamppost, the Wife bangs on it a fist and muffledly speaks:
-... Open... Open, I speak...
K suits it militsioner:
-In what business, the citizen?
-Yes here the wife home not puskayet.
militsioner, having knocked on a column kulakom:
-Grazhdanochk! Open!

*****

Drunk brings the friend to himself home at night. All sleep. It shows kvartiru:
-It is my drawing room, it is a bedroom, it is our bed. Here my wife, and near her I sleeps …

*****

The drunk addresses to militsioneru:
-He tell how to reach the station?
-Go pryamo.
-Well, so to me not to reach...

*****

The drunk falls from the third floor. The police officer approaches, asks:
-What has happened? I do not know
-, - that answers, shaking off. - I just here got...

*****

The drunk passenger looks for the compartment, coming back from a dining-car. The conductor tries to it pomoch:
-Well if number did not remember, then any signs?. Yes, precisely I remember
-in a window the birchwood was visible!

*****

Drunk before Karl Marx's portrait with astonishment touches itself for litso:
-It is necessary! It seems, had only a shave in the morning!

*****

The drunk pilot comes back home and Tuk, tuk, tuk knocks in dver:
-, the 117th asks landing. Wife:
-Landing not razreshayu.
- The 117th went to the second circle. Departs from a door, Tuk, tuk, tuk gets from a pocket a bottle,
otpil and snova:
-, the 117th asks landing. Wife:
-Landing not razreshayu.
- The 117th went to spare airfield. Tuk, tuk, tuk knocks to sosedke:
-, the 117th asks landing. And to it because of dverey:
-Wait, still the 116th did not fly up.

*****

The drunk approaches the crying boy and asks:
- The Boy, you that cry?
-my grandmother fell from a balcony, and now it on nebesakh.
-It at you that, rubber?

*****

The drunk creeps to the house, hears kukushku:
- The Cuckoo, a cuckoo, a skoka I needed to live?
IZ of a window leans out his wife and krichit:
-Five-seven seconds, a bough until I found the iron!

*****

The drunk brought home the unfamiliar woman. The door was opened by the wife. The husband takes the wife aside and whispers to her on ukho:
-S-tell her, h - that you are my sister.

*****

The drunk comes home, comes into an entrance, is knocked in some dver.
-Who there?
-Masha, it I!
-Ya not Masha...
-Well, Klava!
-Ya not Klava... Listen to
-, the wife how you there, can still the cities we will play?!

*****

The drunk came home after midnight. The wife (from a bed):
-My God, what time is it now?
-Ten...
I here hours - boom! That you lie
-! - the wife reproaches the husband. - Hours struck hour! You want
-A that they also punched zero?

*****

The drunk came at night home. Ate and went to bed. Utrom:
-Wife! What you there for soup welded? Broth still all right, and meat well such rigid! What
-soup? What meat? Your drunk muzzle, I boiled down a kapron bast!

*****

The drunk tries to sit down on a horse, but everything is vain. Then he calls to the aid all sacred on ocheredi:
-Saint Peter, help! Saint Mikhail, help! Saint Georgy, help! It does to
nakonets the last effort and, without having calculated, flies through loshad.
-Silence! Silence! - he mutters. - Not all at once.

*****

The drunk wants to enter the subway, and the cop does not let it. The drunkard uprashivayet:
-Well please let me!
-Is not present, drunk in the subway nelzya
-Well please! I never in the subway in life was!
-you that, not from Moscow?
-Moscow born and bred!
- Then why in the subway never were?
-So do not let!

*****

Drunk conversation of two druzey:
-I in youth with a parachute jumped! under water of 50 meters floated! From a ten-meter tower jumped!
vtoroy not vyderzhivayet:
- And I have a man's advantage there are 40 centimeters! Was in youth...
-A now? - sobers sobutylnik.
-Now that ruler threw out...

*****

The drunk sits down in the bus near starushki.
-you know, - the old woman speaks, - after all you will get directly to a hell, young chelovek.
pyanitsa jumped and cried Driveryu:
-Stop and let out me, I got not on that bus.

*****

The drunk got on a bus about the elderly passenger... You know
-, - the old woman told - after all you will get directly to a hell, molodoy
chelovek.
pyany jumped and cried Driveryu:
-Stop! Let out me! I got not on that bus!

*****

The drunk sits about radio. There report: "Now in Moscow - 12 hours, in Karaganda - 14, in Novosibirsk - 16, in Omsk - 17 hours, in Magadan - 21... "
-My God! What mess!

*****

Pyanyy:
-Sk-kazhite where I am gone?
prokhozhiy:
- At the corner of the Broadway and the forty second ulitsy.
-To hell details. What is the city?

*****

The drunk looks at the fan and dymayet:
"Vo, blya, time flies..."

*****

The drunk employee of traffic police stops the car i
vygovarivayet Driveryu:
-Pochemu together drive?
Driver hiccupped and otvechayet:
-Stoilo because of it to surround the car!

*****

The drunk is asked passersby on ulitse:
-Where here by the opposite side?
EMU pokazyvayut.
-Well, absolutely were stunned! And there say that here...

*****

The drunk asks casual prokhozhego:
-Tell, please, how many cones at me on the head? Thanks
-Chetyre.
-. It means that there were only two columns and I at last am at home...

*****

The drunk costs in the bus, one hand holds a hand-rail, in the second -
stakan with vodka, and of something painfully thinks. On salon moves konroler:
-we Pay journey... Well... For journey please... Well...
podkhodit to pyanomu.
-For journey...
pyany, throwing up golovu:
-About! For journey!

*****

The drunk costs in the bus, one hand holds a hand-rail, in the second - a glass with vodka, and of something painfully thinks. On salon moves konroler:
-we Pay journey... Well... For journey please... Well...
podkhodit to pyanomu.
-For journey...
pyany, throwing up golovu:
-About! For journey!

*****

The drunk costs in the bus and hardly constrains emetic rushes. Before it sidit
ochen the decent girl. Looked, looked at the man and speaks:
-Listen to whom you are similar, behave as a pig! Here drunk ne
vyderzhivayet, does big P-P-P-P, and then wiping a mouth rukavom:
-Yes you look AT YOURSELF!

*****

The drunk wants to reach to hotel. It sits down in a taxi. On the road the driver notices, what his passenger begins razdevatsya.
-That it attacked you? - he asks raving with anger. - After all Vy
eshche not in hotel...
-Ch-that? - stammering the client asks. - And you could not tell me
etogo earlier? I just removed footwear before a door.

*****

Drunk at 5 o'clock in the morning, falling out from bara:
-That for a strange smell?
prokhozhiy:
-Fresh air, sir.

*****

The drunk Cheburashka comes back home in the middle of the night. Gena sleeps on a bench in a corner - left a soft bed to the friend, knowing that it had an unlucky day. The Cheburashka is enough the axe standing at a threshold and with all the dope whacks green on hrebtine.
gena jumps, wiping eyes and keeping for spinu:
- And?. Who?!. Where?!!.
cheburashka:
-That, a bough, is not slept?

*****

The drunk driver after flight enters the apartment, takes a shoe brush in hand, looks in nee:
-Well a horse-radish to himself grew.......

*****

The Pyanyuchy dude in the broken-off shirt, on a muzzle at which lipstick traces, in pockets - empty bottles, comes into the bus and sits down near the priest. Drunk develops the newspaper and something reads there. Then turns to the priest and asks:
- And you do not know, the father from what there is an arthritis?
-Arthritis, my son, happens at those people who was led astray who sleeps with fallen women and abuses alcohol!!!
-horse-radish to itself...
pyany becomes silent and looks a thoughtful look in a floor. The priest regretted that my son spoke so rezko:
-Well! Whether long ago you have an arthritis?
-Yes you that! I have no arthritis! Here in the newspaper write that arthritis at Papy
rimskogo!

*****

Pyany creeps to the house, hears kukushku:
- The Cuckoo, a cuckoo, a skoka I needed to live?
IZ of a window leans out his wife and shouts: "Five-seven seconds, a bough, so far I did not find the iron!"

*****

Friday. Late evening. One of suburban stations of the Moscow subway. On a platform there is a shop, on it two friends sit. Both practically in dupel...
ODIN from them already kimarit, the second hardly thumbs through some magazine. Then raises the head and Kolyan, you hto on a horoscope addresses to priyatelyu:
-?
-Ya? Well this, as it... In, little bodies!
-In, mlya, and I little bodies! Today on a horoscope the small adventure is written to us...
-Yes pi%dit your horoscope...
TUT because of a column contacts the militia sergeant - "two two", a lyba to ears...
-Is not present, citizens, does not pi%dit...

*****

Time our government forbade to sell alcohol with 22: 00, also it could not forbid sale of farinaceous food, chocolate and ice cream with 18: 00?

*****

Glass broke at one aunt. Called the glazier. Call to a door. Opens - there is a shaking man, spent on drink and prokurennyy:
- The Glazier... Ik!. Your mother... Caused?
-Yes.
-Where... Ik!. Your mother... It is broken?
- There, in komnate.
provela the man to the room, itself in kitchen strives. Call to a door. Opens - there is a shaking man, spent on drink and prokurennyy:
- The Glazier... Ik!. Your mother... Caused?
-Yes, but one already is!
-Not... It I... Ik!. Your mother... Fell!.